AIBU to refuse DD 25's request to live with me rent free?

[Felinefancier]

For the last four years DD, 25 has lived in houses owned by me. The idea was she would rent out some of the rooms and pay me a discounted rent, while she worked on her passion, music.

We had a formal tenancy agreement, but she wasn't doing a particularly good job of managing this latest house. When I raised this with her in July we agreed she would move out at the end of August.

She left in the middle of August leaving lots of unpaid bills, repairs not done, piles of belongings and no forwarding address. It has taken me weeks for me to clear all the rubbish sort out the tenants etc.

She got in touch a few days ago and has been camping in and around Glastonbury. Last night she told me that she has no money and needs help and can she come and live with me rent free for 2 months while she gets herself on her feet. There have been no apologies for the mess she left for me to clean up.

I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up).

AIBU to refuse?

[Grah0SoontobeaFitty]

Meet in a public place - some she likes to go ( and would avoid making a scene ) -
then Flat out ask her about the August Mess -
Tell her how you feel she has behaved -
Layout your cards completely out on the table and the decide.

She may save you a lot of heartache by her response.

[TheCherries]

I would also get her checked in to a rehab programme with you and get her to agree to attending it.

No parent is perfect and we all have our own inadequacies that will haunt us and our children manipulate us on our weak points to get their way.

The important thing is she learns in these next few months responsibility and accountability.

I would show her the cost of putting the problems right with the flat. I would teach her about keeping to a set routine each day, even if it is set jobs in the house and exercising on foot for fresh air
I would also not stand for any nonsense and remind her of her obligations when she slips up,
At the same time I would remind her with hugs, saying you love her and having nice mum and daughter times together without feeling any guilt.

You have given her a chance to get back on her feet and it is up to her to do that

[Grah0SoontobeaFitty]

somewhere not some.

Gosh darn seeing things again.

[ToftyAC]

I can see both sides of the coin. However, maybe it’s time to sort your relationship out with her once and for all. But yes of course she needs to apologise if she left things in a bit of a mess. Perhaps if your relationship was a bit better then she would come to you at the first sign of trouble to sort before getting too bad. I’m in my 40s now, but have in recent years relied heavily on my dad after I divorced and kind of lost everything. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be where I am now. I lost him recently and the grief is still as strong as the day he was found. As a mum I know I could never see one of my children struggle. But that’s the sort of family I belong to. The bar my own parents have set mean that I will only be too happy to pay it forward to my own kids, because I know how hard it is to ask for that sort of help. Good luck whatever you choose to do.

[RomanyRoots]

Selling her car might be a step in the wrong direction if she is looking for work.
Maybe she should keep the car and live rent free on condition she gets her act together.
I went back to my parents mid twenties, mine was due to mh issues and unable to work, so couldn't pay the rent.
They supported me until I was ready and I've never looked back.
I don't know how I'd have coped without them.
They are long gone now and I'm in my 50's and still grateful they supported me.

[Ellieswede]

It sounds like she needs help to get back on her feet. However, coming to stay with you might be hard for both of you without clarifying boundaries and rules. Can you talk this through before her coming back? It's important to communicate expectations and agree on it. Ask her what she expects and is prepared to do. What is resonable in her world versus yours? There is normally a reason/reasons behind a behaviour. What is hers? Good luck! I hope she appreciates her mums hard work.

[NotAPinterestMum]

YABU, she's your daughter after all, she shouldn't get to live rent free though, but if she's not working maybe she could do things to help you out?

[inklepink1]

I would let her come and live with you, how she ever paid £1,800 per month rent no wonder she is destitute that is so much for a young person to pay. Give her a leg up and sounds like a great opportunity to get her straight and be a Mum and give her loads of advice for her future. 25 is young still. Sounds like she needs TLC and heaps of life advice in a kind and constructive way. That is what I would do.

[caringcarer]

She is your child and its about to be freezing outside. Near where I live a rough sleeper froze to death a couple of years ago. Wake up she could also get attacked/raped etc. Could you live with yourself If you refused her help when you could easily help her and something awful happened to her? I would lay down ground rules e.g. any mess she makes in house she clears up after her and no drugs taken in house but there will always be a room for any of my children, even if grown up, in my home. They are still my babies and I would do whatever I could to help them out and protect them. You say she is only asking for a few months rent free. Maybe you can help her get a job and sort herself out. When my daughter was 15 one of her friends was effectively thrown out of home by her Mum and stepdad. Never got to the bottom of why as she would not say but she stayed with us until she finished her GCSE and also AS level before getting a job and moving out. We helped her out with saucepans and sheets etc. for her bedsit. She has turned her life around and is now married with a child but she still stops and speaks to me if I see her in town years later. This is your own child asking you for help, which is probably not easy for her to do if she is unsure you will say yes.

[jessebuni]

If it were me I would say that she could come stay with you rent free for exactly 2 calendar months. As she does appear to be in a tough situation. During this time she needs to prove that she can respect your home and clean up after herself etc and put effort into finding a job. After those 2 months I would be charging her rent of 30% of her income so if she’s on jobseekers you only get like £15-20 if she’s only £300 a month you get £25 a week if she’s on £300 a week you get £100 per week. This is what my mum did from around the time I was 16. She said that in the real world my rent or mortgage and bills would be way more than 30% and she was right. It was a good system.

[Havaina]

FFS, RTFT people, OP has already said yes to her DD and is excited to see her.

[beanii]

While I would always help my children out (all still school age at present) there has to be a line when they grow up and take some responsibility for themselves - when does OP say enough is enough?

Op yes you feel guilt about the past - at 2 I doubt she remembers much of the actual break up - I imagine it is more guilt on your part and she realises she can play you.

Maybe help her this time but make it very clear when you want her out by and also this will be the last time - 25 is plenty old enough.

[Mrsema]

I would do what ever i could do in my power to help my children no matter what age they are. My mother helps me when i need it if she can and i help her when she needs it.

[kmckenna477]

Yes I would def let her stay but I’d want her to get a proper job and start getting her life together. Her self esteem must be non existent and she needs help.

[beanii]

Mrsema

But there is helping out and taking the pee - if her daughter is bailed out everytime she wants - she'll never stand on her own 2 feet - shes 25!

[Middersweekly]

I am glad you have decided to have your daughter move in OP.
I would have done the same. She does need a bit of a wake-up call though in terms of work and life goals. She’s drifting through life at the moment surviving on other people’s good will and does need to learn to adult properly. I appreciate conventional jobs are not for everyone but she may need to get one to survive long term. I would also address the possible drug habit as it does sound like she could have a problem. Good luck OP.

[beanii]

Is 25 the new 16? Am I missing something?

[Purpleartichoke]

I would let her move in with conditions

1. she pays rent. I would set it at least 30% of working minimum wage full time. You can save this money for her if you want, but don’t tell her that.
   
2. she goes and gets a steady job immediately. Businesses are hiring for the holidays. It is likely retail work that will end after Xmas, but it is work that is easy to come by.
   
3. she looks for more reliable, better paid work while she works at whatever job she took just to get something.
   
4. she buys her own groceries or you charge her a higher rent to cover food

[svalentine60]

As a mother i cannot comprehend why you are not instantly helping her if she is homeless. YABU

[Dollymixture22]

Great news she is coming home. She sounds like a troubled girl.

Her life has been chaotic, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some mental health issues at the core of this.

You will be able to assess the situation once she is home.

[beanii]

svalentine60

But she is 25 and effectively made herself homeless - surely another part of being a good parent is raising your children to be able to be responsible adults?

Yes help her but there has to be and end.

[Poppyinagreenfield]

Yes I would go to the ends of the earth to help my DD no matter what.

In the end it is only love that remains.

[AbsentmindedWoman]

Rolling my eyes at the grand statements about how this young woman should suddenly manage to stand on her own two feet, be self-sufficient and just get a job with the click of her fingers.

It doesn't sound like her CV will be solid and sparkling. Unless she's very lucky, she won't be able to land a job that pays enough to cover reasonable living expenses. She won't be earning enough to live off straight away.

She won't pass the referencing process for a house share if her bank statements show no steady income either.

It's far more sensible for the OP to let her move in as she's said she will. Paying token rent every week to her mum is doable, paying market rent not so much.

Rents were far less, in proportion to wages, during the eighties and nineties. Contextually this is important, to shrug it off is simply to disregard economic facts.

[Fwaltz]

I don’t doubt your daughter has issues That were established in childhood, but there is only so much she can keep blaming you for her adult life choices.
She has had years of financial support to get herself on her feet, and it sounds like she has taken it all for granted. If the other option is homelessness then personally I couldn’t see my own child out on the street, but in your situation it would annoy me to know that if she did end up on the street she’d be blaming YOU, not her terrible life choices, for the predicament.
If her dad is still around, get him involved and have an intervention. I don’t think you can condone her drug use and keep bailing her out indefintely. She needs to grow up. And make it clear that she has the option to do that with your love and support - or without it. But she does need to make some adult choices and look at the way she is living her life.

[tolerable]

are you in a position where you can financially support her just now?do you live alone?or ??... if you do agree to her "coming home" you might need to put some serious time effort and energy into her-are you able to do this?
To be honest,you already sound like you know youre gony get pumped. There are worse upbringings-and the truth is -shit happens.Every days a new one and she has to be aware and in agreement to all and every house rule you have.25 is adult. you facilitated her "dream"now its time to toughen up n face reality.for both of you.Whats her alternative?hhomeless?you renting for her?