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AIBU?

AIBU to refuse DD 25's request to live with me rent free?

302 replies

Felinefancier · 29/10/2018 05:30

For the last four years DD, 25 has lived in houses owned by me. The idea was she would rent out some of the rooms and pay me a discounted rent, while she worked on her passion, music.

We had a formal tenancy agreement, but she wasn't doing a particularly good job of managing this latest house. When I raised this with her in July we agreed she would move out at the end of August.

She left in the middle of August leaving lots of unpaid bills, repairs not done, piles of belongings and no forwarding address. It has taken me weeks for me to clear all the rubbish sort out the tenants etc.

She got in touch a few days ago and has been camping in and around Glastonbury. Last night she told me that she has no money and needs help and can she come and live with me rent free for 2 months while she gets herself on her feet. There have been no apologies for the mess she left for me to clean up.

I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up).

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

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Zsuzsika · 30/10/2018 20:53

Preciesly!! She’s your daughter! Why would you want her out in this weather? What sort of a mother would?? Whatever she has done and however she’s done it be a mum to your dd

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chrismse · 30/10/2018 21:10

She needs help your her mum help her

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BeeBombus · 30/10/2018 21:10

From your posts, it really sounds as though both you and your daughter need counselling. You state you were (still are?)!a workaholic, workaholism is an unhealthy compulsive behaviour and counselling should help you get to the bottom of the root causes and find joy in your life. Child development has come on a long way in the last 25 years and it is widely acknowledged that the early years (especially the first three) are incredibly important and formative. If, through understandable ignorance, your compulsive behaviour (causes most likely by your childhood experiences) you perhaps weren’t there for your daughter, that could well be the reason she’s struggling now. A child must learn to be dependent before they become independent. Your workaholism has enabled you to meet - and exceed - your basic needs. But, have you found joy! And could your workaholic tendencies be the reason you have not met your daughter’s other needs (pyschological, self fulfilment) hence she cannot meet her basic needs? I hope you both get the support you need.

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TenForward82 · 30/10/2018 21:34

OP, having read your updates I apologise for my initial response. I think you're doing the right thing and it's totally understandable. Good luck with you and your DD

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Grah0SoontobeaFitty · 30/10/2018 21:47

@Felinefancier Glad to read you had a chat and she was adult enough to accept some conditions.

Hoping your future is full of Happy hugs and you have a great Christmas.

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Sarahrellyboo1987 · 30/10/2018 22:17

Two months rent free on the condition that she finds a job - no matter how menial and starts paying back the unpaid bills and also takes responsibility around the house.

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kateandme · 31/10/2018 01:04

mondaytired god I watched this too.it broke my heart APART.i couldn't bare it in the end so have to watch one at a time and far apart.
yes without thought id let her back.your kids do this.they fuk up royally and take you for granted.deep down though there is a difference.shes coming back.youve hit crisis when they don't come to you for help because they are too ashamed or things have truly broken between you.
she still is.this means she Is desperate.and needs her mum.

that doesn't mean you dont get angry like a parent too for her being a bum.talking to her and making plans to help her.help her get her life back on track and get some purpose and joy to it again.
making her work for being at home by either job or contributing to the house.
I always think there is a difference.even in the worst of time say if your child is suffering and so are barely manageable to live with there are those moments in between where you see them,you see your child still there and you no from the heart they love you and appreciate you and just cant bloody help where they are right now.

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Friendlylynn · 31/10/2018 01:08

To be honest on reading this, I am not convinced that either your Daughter or you have in any way sorted things satisfactory.
You do not sound from all you have written so far, that you are very close or caring towards each other, which will mean that there will inevitably be arguments and scenes.
You say that she has agreed to sell her car but I do not see why that has to be neccessary and she may well need her own transport if she works unsociable hours and it may be her way to freedom, in her eyes.

If she does sell her car, what does she claim to want to spend the selling price on, more drugs in larger quantities and deal from your house or some where close by.

On the other hand, the sale of the car could be used to rent somewhere else and still afford to put food on the table.

Then I am also puzzled as too how she can afford a car if she had so little
Money?

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DarklyDreamingDexter · 31/10/2018 01:33

She's your daughter! Help her! Maybe put some conditions in place and help guide her in sticking to them, but if you won't help her, who will? Do you want to see her out in the streets? Help her get counselling/ therapy or whatever it takes to steer her towards independent life eventually, but support her now.

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JanetLovesJason · 31/10/2018 01:40

Spunds a bit like you view relationships as being a series of transactions, rather than involving love, care, emotional connection.

Maybe try stepping out of a business mindset and instead try to connect with your daughter.

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NIX555 · 31/10/2018 01:55

My 22 yr old son is desperate to come home as he is now homeless. He borrowed money from a dubious person he became friends with and now this person, who turns out to be a dealer, wants his money back and is threatening him. My son dropped out of uni in Jan but i only found out in August. He has lied to and stolen from me over the past 4 years and really done nothing to make his situation better. As his mother, my instinct is to give him another chance but my head and family say no. I just dont know what to do

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MarcieBluebell · 31/10/2018 02:00

Now you've agreed to her living with you start as you mean to go on.

I'd ignore the mess she left ect and do a bit of love bombing to make her feel happy and motivated.

But I'd sit her down and say she needs a normal job. Her music she can still do around work. It's so easy for her to become comfortable doing nothing.

The crux is if she has no money she will have to look hard. So no giving her a penny other than for food.

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moredoll · 31/10/2018 02:07

I think you should agree to take her for 2 months on condition that she stays for a further 4 months at least while she tackles her drug problem and gets counselling for the underlying issues. You could also pay for career analysis so that she has a clear idea of the direction she wants to go in.

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MadMadaMim · 31/10/2018 02:17

You admit you weren't the mum you should have been during her most important years. She grew up being shown she came second to your work. This has affected her deeply - she still hasn't been able to forgive you and reconcile this in her head.

Fast forward. Your admitted neglect has paid off financially as you have 'houses' - at least one of which could fetch £2.7k per month. You charge your daughter £1.8k rent! Astronomical!!!

Why are you annoyed she got into debt? There's not many young ppl who could afford that.

And when you know she's having money problems - you make her homeless. It's no wonder she left abruptly and hasn't been in touch. All you did was confirm business and money are still top priority and above her in the importance factor of your life.

It must have been excruciating for her to ask you for help when your actions seem to say (loudly) 'I don't care about you or worry about you'.

Is she an only child? Can you not simply give her a house? And if its mortgaged, then ask for that to be covered to you, and everything else is up to her to manage - but she can ask for support and guidance if she needs it.

Making her homeless is not going to 'teach her' anything other than 'my mum doesn't love me'.

What are you going to do with all thesr houses?

Why make her obviously difficult life more difficult? I don't get it. She's your daughter - not some 'random'. Get her home. Find out why she's having such a hard time and help her. You isn't need to 'teach' her anything - you just need to be there for her and show her that you love her. Reassure her that whatever is going on - it'll be OK because you'll tackle it together

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Labradoodliedoodoo · 31/10/2018 06:54

Use the time to bond, have fun, get to know her, develop a shared hobby, spend time together.

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Labradoodliedoodoo · 31/10/2018 06:56

You both need to be accepting of each others personalities and forgive each other. That way your relationship will recover and move forward.

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Labradoodliedoodoo · 31/10/2018 07:02

Take her out for a meal whe she arrives and say that you want to develop a better relationship with her (obviously won’t have anything to do with money) and tell her all the things you love about her. Apologise for not being there for her and that you can’t change that. Then work out together how you can spend quality time together

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Labradoodliedoodoo · 31/10/2018 07:04

It’s good to say you were upset about the rental house but you want to put that behind you and concentrate on the future. We all do things wrong at some point

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Veterinari · 31/10/2018 07:28

@NIX555
It sounds like you’re struggling. You’d be better starting your own thread so that people can respond directly

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Sowhatifidosnore · 31/10/2018 08:14

I would get her home and find out what is going on. You don’t have to agree to a whole 2 months

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BackInRed · 31/10/2018 09:08

I love all the conclusions people jump to on this site. "OP doesn't love her daughter." "Her daughter is a drug dealer." Etc.

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Kool4katz · 31/10/2018 10:42

If she’s an addict she needs to focus on sorting that out as a priority, not moving back home to carry on more of the same, blaming her mother for her poor choices. There’s plenty of addiction/recovery support available around Bath/Bristol area.
Don’t allow her to guilt you into enabling her to continue her unhealthy lifestyle.
It’s time she grew up and stopped making excuses for her poor choices.
You didn’t force her to become a weed/narcotics user.

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disrespectfulpenguin · 31/10/2018 10:53

NIX555
This happened to a family friend. My Mum is friends with his mum and My brother and I are friends ish with him.
The mum is a truly beautiful soul but she had to kick the son out after a load of problems... My brother stopped talking to the son even though they were childhood friends..
The son was/is a lovely lovely person but turned in a complete arsehole due to drugs and booze. he is now rebuilding his life but it has been a hellish journey for anyone that cares about hime. ....

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Leapfrog44 · 31/10/2018 11:26

I think you should take her but it's time for some serious life lessons on responsibility.

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Havaina · 31/10/2018 11:55

Love how so many people are still posting without having RTFT.

@MadMadaMim

Fast forward. Your admitted neglect has paid off financially as you have 'houses' - at least one of which could fetch £2.7k per month. You charge your daughter £1.8k rent! Astronomical!!!

Have you RTFT? The DD was able to rent out the other rooms in the house so was easily paying the £1.8k rent and making a profit - she made £10k profit. That's a great earner.

And OP presumably needs the rent to pay the mortgage.

And OP was a single mum who had to provide for her DD, saying she 'neglected' her DD is very unfair.

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