Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


AIBU to refuse DD 25's request to live with me rent free?

302 replies

Felinefancier · 29/10/2018 05:30

For the last four years DD, 25 has lived in houses owned by me. The idea was she would rent out some of the rooms and pay me a discounted rent, while she worked on her passion, music.

We had a formal tenancy agreement, but she wasn't doing a particularly good job of managing this latest house. When I raised this with her in July we agreed she would move out at the end of August.

She left in the middle of August leaving lots of unpaid bills, repairs not done, piles of belongings and no forwarding address. It has taken me weeks for me to clear all the rubbish sort out the tenants etc.

She got in touch a few days ago and has been camping in and around Glastonbury. Last night she told me that she has no money and needs help and can she come and live with me rent free for 2 months while she gets herself on her feet. There have been no apologies for the mess she left for me to clean up.

I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up).

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 29/10/2018 06:25

Could you let her stay with you on the basis that she does all the cleaning in the house and cooks meals in exchange for not paying rent and that she shows you evidence that she’s looking for a job.
Possibly she is manipulating you a little bit it also sounds like it’d be hard to get on her feet in her current sitauation.


Electrascoffee · 29/10/2018 06:25

You need to take her in and try to help her get whatever therapy she needs and work out what's going on. If my daughter was out in the street I'd be out of my mind. I'd drive to Scotland to pick her up if I had to.

How cold do you have to be to turn your back on your own child? If she can't ask the person who birthed her for help then who can she turn to?


Loopytiles · 29/10/2018 06:27

So she’s homeless. Sad

Perhaos her income was from other tenants’ rent on OP’s property. Eg if market rate was £2700 and OP only charged £1800 but the daughter charged tenants, say £2000 in total OP’s opportunity cost (potential rent) would be £10,800 a year, and her DD would pay £700 month.


Loopytiles · 29/10/2018 06:28

It sounds like she could have drug addiction(s) too.


CurlyWurlyTwirly · 29/10/2018 06:29

Based on your update; yes you should be helping her and it sounds like she needs more than 2 months.
I would also be paying for her to have some therapy


Electrascoffee · 29/10/2018 06:29

Weed is a destroyer of peoples lives - it causes mental health problems and often leads to other drugs.


Ignoramusgiganticus · 29/10/2018 06:31

Do you actually want to say no op? If so, why?


Oysterbabe · 29/10/2018 06:31

I can understand why you don't want to but I couldn't refuse a home for my child.


brighteyeowl17 · 29/10/2018 06:33

Depends if it means her sponging off you for a while as she has made some bad choices. She needs to be spoken to about the mess she left. If she doesn’t understand consequences then she will just revert back to the same behavior again.


MrsOrMiss · 29/10/2018 06:35

£1800 is still a lot of money to find every month, no matter who you are.
I would worry about how she would pay it, especially if she didn't have regular work.

She's reached rock bottom and I doubt she'd be asking if there were other options.
I'd be driving down to pick her up myself and trying to build a relationship with her on the journey back just for starters.


explodingkitten · 29/10/2018 06:36

Yes, on the provision that she gets a real job. Getting a real job instead of some easy scheme from you can make her help grow up. Also make her responsible for cleaning and cooking. Basically, make her live a normal grown up life.


INeedNewShoes · 29/10/2018 06:37

I would have to say yes because it's so cold but once she's been with you for a couple of days schedule a conversation with her to talk about the effect her actions have had and that it's not something you can continue to enable. Discuss her plans for the future (she may say it's none of your business but it absolutely is when at 25 she's relying on you to put a roof over her head). It needs to be talked about calmly. I say to schedule a conversation in order to avoid the risk of it all coming out in an argument when she's done something else irritating.


AJPTaylor · 29/10/2018 06:37

Is your question better phrased as
"My dd is 25 and is struggling with her life. How best to help her and ensure she becomes self sufficient?"
I would say bring her home, spend some money on counselling and therapy.


BigGreenOlives · 29/10/2018 06:42

This is going to sound very hard but I’d be worried about her stealing from you and anyone else who lives with you should she move back in.


user1457017537 · 29/10/2018 06:45

The Op’s DD is 24 and an adult. Op I’m sure you did your best in the circumstances to provide for your DD. You have supported her in her passion and provided a home.
I don’t know any working parent who is ambitious and successful who can spend lots of time with their DC. It is up to you whether you continue to support your DD but whatever her lifestyle choice it is not your fault.


Bobbybobbins · 29/10/2018 06:46

I would let her back have an open and honest conversation about your feelings and expectations - as she has done with you by the sounds of it.


Weepingwillows12 · 29/10/2018 06:49

I think this all depends on what state you think she's in. You gave her a good earning opportunity and she messed it up and didn't even say sorry. Sounds immature but people learn from mistakes with consequences. She went straight to a family but now she has to move on she wants to come back. Has she even thought of her options or is she just doing the easiest thing for her.

It's hard. I wouldn't want her struggling but she needs to sort her life out too. Always letting her take the easy route won't always do that. But if she's fragile at the moment, she may not be able to make the right choice. I think I would sit down with her, go through her options and probably let one of those options be moving in on some very strict provisos (job, house rules, rent).


Electrascoffee · 29/10/2018 06:54

'people learn from mistakes with consequences'.

But not when they're living on the streets. When was the last time you saw her in person OP?


Puggles123 · 29/10/2018 06:54

If you do, you need to be firm with her for her own sake. If she is spending copious amounts on weed especially, otherwise it won’t be long until your life also revolves around drugs. You have been very generous to let her stay in houses you own and earn an income from it to be honest, and it seems for whatever reason she didn’t appreciate that and couldn’t manage; therefore yes let her to save her being homeless, but don’t let her take you for a ride.


strawberrisc · 29/10/2018 06:59


So? I bet you’re one of those who bleat on abot dripfeeding and stealth boasts as well. 🤫


GreenandBlueButterfly · 29/10/2018 07:00

I think she was spending a lot of money on weed

Weed is relatively cheap. I'd be concerned she was into something stronger and more expensive. It sounds to me like she's really lost and needs some serious help. I would help her if she were my daughter


Pinkyyy · 29/10/2018 07:01

I'm never one to jump to conclusions but I absolutely agree that there is a strong likelihood of a drug addiction here. How else would she have spent a large amount of money and also lost the ability to keep earning it?

It's a difficult one as she is going to be homeless and of course, no parent wants to see that. But also there is no doubt in my mind that it absolutely won't be just for a couple of months. I'd suggest laying down the rules that she needs to find employment immediately (even in retail temporarily as they will all need Xmas staff) and she needs to be honest and upfront about any substance abuse because you will not be funding her so she can throw her life away to drugs.

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you OP.


Loopytiles · 29/10/2018 07:05

How often have you seen her in person in the last year?

You could visit her in person, and also talk to the person she’s staying with.


ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/10/2018 07:05

So has she ever had any kind of job? Or just earnt money through letting rooms out?
What is she doing with her "passion" - does she have any plans, any ideas, or is she just going to keep using you as a cushion, and in the meantime blame all her life choices on you and her childhood?

Yes, that's harsh but sometimes you have to take the tough line. She's had it pretty easy so far, from what you've said (although childhood trauma from parental loss would have affected her strongly) - she needs to start growing up and taking more responsibility for her own life.

I'd let her come home - but I'd put provisos on it, including her getting clean and getting a job. And I'd charge her board at the very least, if not actual rent.


Havaina · 29/10/2018 07:07

Can you pay this relative to keep her on for 2 more months

Tell dd you will help with a deposit for a new place and first month's rent.

I wouldn't have her back home without a clear agreement on what is and isn't acceptable.

She pays rent
She doesn't do drugs.
She has a deadline for moving out.

Is she an addict. People telling you yiu should have her back home without question are naive.

Sorry for no punctuation.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

We're all short on time

Log in or sign up to use the 'See Next' or 'See all' posts by the OP (Original Poster) and cut straight to the action.

Already signed up?

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?