AIBU to refuse DD 25's request to live with me rent free?

[Felinefancier]

For the last four years DD, 25 has lived in houses owned by me. The idea was she would rent out some of the rooms and pay me a discounted rent, while she worked on her passion, music.

We had a formal tenancy agreement, but she wasn't doing a particularly good job of managing this latest house. When I raised this with her in July we agreed she would move out at the end of August.

She left in the middle of August leaving lots of unpaid bills, repairs not done, piles of belongings and no forwarding address. It has taken me weeks for me to clear all the rubbish sort out the tenants etc.

She got in touch a few days ago and has been camping in and around Glastonbury. Last night she told me that she has no money and needs help and can she come and live with me rent free for 2 months while she gets herself on her feet. There have been no apologies for the mess she left for me to clean up.

I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up).

AIBU to refuse?

[MsLexic]

£2,700 charging her £1800 EEEK! where were these properties? Mayfair? It's hardly a bargain is it! Are you saying she paid £1800 including tenant's rents?
Or excluding?
I suppose what you were doing was asking her to manage a property including tenants... i.e. run a business for you for your mutual benefit....or your benefit... not sure
However, this 'business' obviously did not work out for her and she is now homeless/ penniless.
You have several houses and you are baulking at helping your daughter???? I am sorry I may be missing something here, but really I would love to hear her side.
Yes she will need to be self supporting but so far she has been running income-generating rentals for you, so that is a flaming JOB!
I am not surprised she ran up debts these must be humungous houses.

[beanii]

AbsentmindedWoman

She had the ideal scenario - living in her mums house - if she rented the rooms out then most rent would have been covered - then if she had of been working full time as well she would have been in quite a strong position now.

Yes of course you'd help your daughter out and wouldn't see her homeless BUT at 25 she needs to start taking responsibility - she has been an adult for a number of years now.

As I said in another post - part of being a good parent is raising them to be an independent adult.

[Jux]

Quite agree, AbsentMindedWoman. In the 80s my outgoings were about 250pm (including rent) and I took home about 1200pm. Not particularly highly paid and certainly not high status, think Admin type thing.

I'd do the same as you, OP. Set some boundaries, set a time limit (mine would be infinitely extendable probably, but not tell!) and see how it goes.

Good luck.

[AbsentmindedWoman]

@beanii

"As I said in another post - part of being a good parent is raising them to be an independent adult."

Yes! I agree with the line above.

But a kid turning into an independent adult doesn't just happen automatically - parents need to teach skills and model adult behaviour.

It sounds like the OP modelled a great work ethic, but life is unforgiving towards single parents and I wonder if there simply wasn't enough time to teach other skills essential to adulthood. How to regulate emotions, without self medicating with pot. Or concepts about delayed gratification.

I'm not criticising the OP, because I think single parents get a raw deal and it's fucking hard. I also think sometimes it's not until a person reaches their twenties, and has to be responsible for meeting all their daily needs as an adult, that it becomes clear there's a skills gap.

It's not a disaster, the daughter just needs to learn how to be an adult. I think we all keep learning in various ways anyway, it's not something we should stop once we have an impressive job or multiple degrees or whatever - but some of us have different things to learn than others, and sometimes there's a potent and unhelpful shame in not knowing how to get your shit together when lots of others seem to manage it and make it look effortless.

[perfectstorm]

I think they call this, "failure to launch".

It does sound like quite a tough childhood in some ways - the reality of a father who dgaf is very hard emotionally, speaking from experience - but the statute of limitations on childhood hurts has to start sometime. I'm glad you are helping, and glad you are also setting boundaries. Part of growing up is recognising your parents are just fallible fuckups in their own unique ways, and she's not there yet, is she?

You sound like someone loving who is trying to work out the best way forward. No clue what that is, but I wish you luck and hope so much it works out for you. Sounds as though your own life path has been rather winding, too, and I hope the two of you have happy times ahead.

[EmilyRosiEl]

Of course you are.

She's your daughter and she's in distress. You can set boundaries and outline how long she can stay but really she needs you and she needs somewhere to stay.

[Ruby55n]

Let her come home to you and help her get sorted out, and tell her you love her. This is your chance to catch-up on lost time with your daughter and to help her with whatever issues are underlying and have caused this downslide in her life. Sounds like you both need this time together to sit down and talk things through.

[Chucky16]

My son left home to live with gf. It didn’t work out so he came back. He then left home the following year with a different gf. He got himself in quite a bit of debt. He had been stealing off us when he was at home, to the extent we had to put a safe in!!
His gf dumped him and left him with a lot of her debt (found out later she had taken a car loan out using my address despite never having lived here).
He was honestly just about suicidal and in a terrible state. As he said to me, he didn’t see a way out of things and felt like just crashing his car into a wall. We took him back, but on condition that I took charge of his finances. It took time but we managed to turn things round. The next time he left home was to move into his own house (well half his and half mine) with a joint mortgage with me (I paid the deposit, he pays the monthly mortgage fees) One of his friends moved in and pays rent to help with costs. That was a few years ago and, although I still oversee his money (which I know is not ideal) things are so much better. He went from feeling worthless and being severely in debt to owning a house and no debt.
I do think if I hadn’t taken him back he wouldn’t have survived and I would never have forgiven myself. Please take your daughter in. How could you ever forgive yourself if something happened to her because you refused to help when she reached out to you. Irrespective of what they do, or how they treat us, they are still our children, and they are the most important things in our lives.

[NotBeforeCoffee]

She’s asking you for help in a crisis. Please help her

[Nanalisa60]

Really hard to know what to do for the best, I would tell her she can come a stay but it’s time she woke up to smelt the coffee explain this will be the last time you help her out as enough I’d enough, she needs to get a job that pays!! Decide what she going to do with the rest of her life? And cut back on the weed!! tell her it’s your house your rules!! Just think if god forbid something bad happened to her you could not live with yourself!! Remember even at 25 she is still your child and given her six months is not the end of the world!!

[RenoSusan]

I was a landlord for many years and my rule was no renting to relatives. If they were in need, I paid the deposit and 2 months rent but it was in their name as were utilities. This controlled my liability and I advised them that this was a one time leg up. Hope this helps.

[Palaver1]

Her moving in will lead to a disaster and you know that ..morally I would rent a place for her a room.in a house and pay for six months ..you can decide along the way how else you can support her.please dont do anything out of guilt and please stop trying to over compensate.so room in a shared house some money for upkeep if she has a drug problem which your not sure off anyway some support as well as counselling for both of you would be helpful best wishes

[Touchmybum]

OMG some of you are very hard-hearted!! I've two very independent daughters both younger than the OP's studying in uni/living away from home, plus a teen DS, but no matter what age they were, if they ever need my help this side of the grave they will get it, no question!

Your DD is crying out for support, OP. I'm sure she doesn't want to be living with mummy at 25. She needs her mother, we all do! Spend time with her, help her plan her life. You have a chance here to build a deeper relationship with her, woman to woman. Trust me, please take it.

[OurMiracle1106]

Sorry if this has been answered but if you split from DDs father when she was 2 and you are/were a workaholic who provided care for your DD?

[clarkl2]

Sit down in a nuetral place, talk through her guilt trip and give her 2 months with ground rules.

[OhEctoplasmOnIt]

Have her come and live with you, not in one of your houses.
How could you let her be homeless because she's being ungrateful and a bit selfish? She could die.

[HeebieJeebies456]

Getting a conventional job doesn't appear to be on her radar
It never has though.
She sounds like an entitled, spoilt brat who has been playing the 'poor me from divorced parents' card to guilt you into enabling her self-indulgence.
She's a 25 year old ADULT!

I want her to be a functioning adult who is not living off me whilst simoultaneously blaming me for all her problems
You've been enabling her for so long, what will you do in January when she's still jobless and 'penniless'?

[beanii]

I have sympathy with her but no wonder teens/twenties are in a mess - sometimes strong love is needed - help by all means BUT she needs to accept she is 25 not 16.

My mum and dad separated when I was 16 - to be honest that was probably one of the hardest ages - I was expected to grow up QUICKLY I did have a year or so when I went off the rails - dropped out of college etc - I don't speak to either of them now BUT I have a husband, 3 children and our own house - through my hard work - not being bailed out.

As I have said previously I would go to the ends of the earth for my children BUT there is a limit of helping and stopping them growing up.

[Electrascoffee]

HJ - you sound lovely - you would leave your own child out on the streets possibly to die? Jeez. Some people do struggle in life for whatever reason. This winter we're going to have colder temperatures than last year and homeless people die if they are not helped.

OP I am glad you've decided to help your dd. Whether or not you were there for her enough when she was a child, it is now her responsibility to sort herself out but I think she does need your support. Good luck.

[angelfacecuti75]

I know I wouldn't see my own child , however old they were, sleeping on the street unless they murdered someone or something. I would lay ground rules and make them help, sure, and i would tell them what's what and that they needed to apologise /get a job etc but no I would not see them out on the street. That's me though.

[Charolais]

OP You wrote, I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up) This is what my sister did to my parents!

My sister was complaining about everything even as a toddler. Nothing was good enough for her. She even complained non-stop when taken to the beach the first time as a three year old. (For instance she said the sand was too damp) Anyway, she never stopped complaining and spent endless phone calls to my parents as an adult telling them she felt she had been deprived as a child and her childhood was terrible. I consider my childhood as absolutely wonderful.

My mother told me my sister made her feel awful, depressed and guilt-ridden. To make up for it they allowed her to manipulate and completely control their lives in their later years. She got control of their money, which was her goal.

To show our parents how you are supposed to raise children, my sister never gave hers set bedtimes (when I was there they stayed up to mid-night falling asleep in front of the TV) no rules and she spoiled them with endless gifts. The children were not pleasant to be around because they were allowed to be rude to adults among other things, and now in their 30's - 40's they are, for lack of a better word, dicks.

[Rebecca36]

Felinefancier, you're doing the right thing having your daughter to stay with you while she sorts herself out. I can imagine how excited you are!
Some of us take a bit longer to grow into responsible adults, I wasn't all that good at it at 25 but got there in the end..

Let us know how it goes and good luck.

[howrudeforme]

She needs help - you are her mum. Bring her in.

I’m old and I’ve met many so called creatives in my life. Lovely to have talent but many of them are feckless. I had talent but made sure I did what I had to do support myself.

If your dd is one of those ‘artist way’ types you’ll need to take her in hand and explain that inspite her musical talent (and encourage her with that) she needs to get with it and make money where she can and it might be in other jobs.

Wish you both the best.

[Boohissmiss]

YABU my kids will always be welcome to stay rent free in my home. As i would be welcome to stay at my parents.

[user139328237]

Should have said she was your son (or even better stepson) as the answers would have been totally different...