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AIBU?

AIBU to refuse DD 25's request to live with me rent free?

302 replies

Felinefancier · 29/10/2018 05:30

For the last four years DD, 25 has lived in houses owned by me. The idea was she would rent out some of the rooms and pay me a discounted rent, while she worked on her passion, music.

We had a formal tenancy agreement, but she wasn't doing a particularly good job of managing this latest house. When I raised this with her in July we agreed she would move out at the end of August.

She left in the middle of August leaving lots of unpaid bills, repairs not done, piles of belongings and no forwarding address. It has taken me weeks for me to clear all the rubbish sort out the tenants etc.

She got in touch a few days ago and has been camping in and around Glastonbury. Last night she told me that she has no money and needs help and can she come and live with me rent free for 2 months while she gets herself on her feet. There have been no apologies for the mess she left for me to clean up.

I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up).

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 29/10/2018 05:34

Does she have other problems, eg debt, alcohol, drugs?

Loopytiles · 29/10/2018 05:35

The rent she paid - and tenants she organised paid - for the last four years, was this market rates or were you essentially financially subsidising her for £00s each year?

What were the experiences growing up she referred to?

GlassOuijan · 29/10/2018 05:35

I doubt I'd refuse, but don't think YABU if you decide to.
I'd let her move in, but make her pay some rent (even a token amount) and make her do a LOT of housework to earn her keep.
And tell her she'll be out on her ear if she tries to manipulate you.

KeiTeNgeNge · 29/10/2018 05:36

I sense there is more behind the ‘deficiencies’ comment. Are you happy to have her there for two months with set jobs eg cooking cleaning etc?

AjasLipstick · 29/10/2018 05:49

"Camping"

You mean she's homeless in Glastonbury?

Has she got an addiction problem?

finn1020 · 29/10/2018 05:52

Refuse? It depends what you want. Her leeching off you for the next 50 years? Or her getting extremely cranky with you now, and possibly for the next few weeks/months or so, because you won’t follow your current pattern of facilitating her doing whatever she wants (except being a responsible adult)?

It sounds like you’ve been supportive in trying to help her get ahead in a career (music) that is financially difficult to make a living in. But if she can’t earn her keep in this industry in some way by now (giving music lessons, teaching music, playing in bands in pubs, volunteering in theatre or community groups to gain knowledge, experience, contacts etc) maybe that’s also less to do with her not having the opportunity, and more to do with never taking responsibility for herself, as an adult should. She’s behaving like a kid, and with that mindset she’s probably never going to succeed in music either. She’s got to NEED to be successful, to make money to pay her bills, but she doesn’t have to learn from failure or knock backs if you continue to bail her out. Sorry OP. ☹️

Mondaytired · 29/10/2018 05:53

So she’s homeless essentially? It’s freezing outside and she’s camping out .. she has no money ?
It’s about to hit winter and you’d rather she didn’t stay with you as she’s not apologised?
Yes she left your house in a state and clearly she’s at a crisis point as camping out.. is she using? I think you are being unreasonable... as she’s your daughter.
I couldn’t bare the thought of any of my family in this position whether it’s their own doing or not.
I’d allow her, conditions that’s she must get some type of job, and be up each day etc.

MrsOrMiss · 29/10/2018 05:56

How much rent was she paying herself and how much came from the rooms she rented?
Did she actually rent out the other rooms at anytime?
What was the initial reduction? Did it stay at that rate?
Why would she need to live rent free with you?
How does she normally pay for her food?

I agree with PP, she's not 'camping' she homeless and now the weather has turned it's too cold and the tourists aren't visiting Glastonbury at this time of year.

NerrSnerr · 29/10/2018 05:57

Is she still sleeping outside? I usually think adult children should pay their way but I don't think I could initially leave my child out on the streets. I see the other side though because if you start helping her is she going to just keep taking?

SilverApples · 29/10/2018 05:57

Two threads?

LL83 · 29/10/2018 06:02

Yes I would let my homeless DD move in Confused
Unless they were violent or stealing from me why would I refuse?

It's unbelievable you have to ask. Your poor DD. She has asked for help and you have said what exactly?

Mondaytired · 29/10/2018 06:02

Watch ;
Love And Drugs On The Street: Girls Sleeping Rough
BBC iplayer....

EK36 · 29/10/2018 06:06

I would let her live with me for a year but she would have to get a job, any job and pay me rent. Her passion will have to be her hobby. Unless she goes to university to become a teacher. She could be a music teacher in three years.

Dommina · 29/10/2018 06:06

It will reach 0 tonight in Glastonbury. I'm not sure I could let my family stay outside in that.

It sounds like she's run out of options and needs support managing her money and life. I suppose it depends on how much you're willing to give.
Up to you.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 29/10/2018 06:08

I think I would say yes but set ground rules about getting a job and contributing money. If she struggles then she contributes by doing even more around the house than you would normally expect her to do.

She needs help as she's obviously not in a good psychological state. Can you help her access this?

Sympathetic, tough love.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2018 06:09

It sounds like your dd is desperate as she hasn’t asked before now. As a child did she have to face consequences? Does a person normally act like this unless enabled growing up? What I’m saying is to a certain extent, perhaps you could look at how you enabled her as a child , your responsibility for the situation and how you could change too.

I know she’s 24 but can you put some strings to it? You’ve obviously got a considerable amount of money. She sounds very lost. I would perhaps suggest some kind of intensive therapy and some kind of community work, which will give her focus.

Electrascoffee · 29/10/2018 06:10

YABU because she is your daughter. You don't want her to end up on the streets surely? It sounds as if she has no job.

However if she has a heroin addiction or something that is a more complicated scenario.

FruitCider · 29/10/2018 06:11

It's extremely dangerous for women to be homeless. Cold kills. I'd take her in.

Felinefancier · 29/10/2018 06:14

I didn't want to make the original post too long so didn't put into much detail.

She's staying with a family sleeping on a mattress in their living room but they have said she has to leave by the end of October.

The house she was living in was worth £2,700 per calendar month at market rent and I was charging her £1800 and she was living off the difference.

I was a workaholic and didn't spend anywhere near as much time with her as I should have done. I split from her father when she was 2 and she has felt the loss keenly.

Sorry about the double post didn't know whether to put the post here or in the other group so put it in both as I really need the advice.

I don't know if she's using drugs now but she certainly smoked weed in the past and gone to Narcotics Anonymous when trying to quit.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/10/2018 06:17

Yes you would be unreasonable to refuse her. She sounds in a bad place.

RoseMartha · 29/10/2018 06:18

I would say yes to have her come home to live and ask for a small amount of money towards bills and food, with the condition that when she has got back on her feet she contributes more.

Mondaytired · 29/10/2018 06:19

How was she making £1800 a month OP?

Mondaytired · 29/10/2018 06:21

I’d say she sounds like she’s a crisis point in her life where essentially everything is falling apart around her.
This could be the start of a new life for her starting afresh... she sounds like she needs counselling as clearly her childhood is a bug barer for her.

Reccy2018 · 29/10/2018 06:24

Monday tired - she was renting out the other rooms

And yes, I'd help out my daughter when she asked.

Felinefancier · 29/10/2018 06:24

Someone asked about more financial detail I don't know exactly what she was making but she was renting out the rooms on airbnb so she was making a lot more than standard 'market rent' and I know in the first few months she managed to save almost £10,000 so she was obviously making a fair amount of money renting the rooms out.

I did not begrudge her this. I was happy that she was running a business that seemed financially viable.

Some days she would boast about how much she was making other day as she would so she was struggling to pay me the rent. I think she was spending a lot of money on weed.

OP posts:
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