AIBU to refuse DD 25's request to live with me rent free?

[Felinefancier]

For the last four years DD, 25 has lived in houses owned by me. The idea was she would rent out some of the rooms and pay me a discounted rent, while she worked on her passion, music.

We had a formal tenancy agreement, but she wasn't doing a particularly good job of managing this latest house. When I raised this with her in July we agreed she would move out at the end of August.

She left in the middle of August leaving lots of unpaid bills, repairs not done, piles of belongings and no forwarding address. It has taken me weeks for me to clear all the rubbish sort out the tenants etc.

She got in touch a few days ago and has been camping in and around Glastonbury. Last night she told me that she has no money and needs help and can she come and live with me rent free for 2 months while she gets herself on her feet. There have been no apologies for the mess she left for me to clean up.

I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up).

AIBU to refuse?

[TheDayMyButtWentPsycho]

I'm confused how we have diagnosed her as a drug addict just because she lived out of a van.
I know plenty of people who have done this. I've lived on travellers sites and I've been homeless, sofa surfed, travelled and been a jobless, feckless wonder. It was amazing.

I now have two degrees, two kids and mortgage free. At no point was I a drug addict.

Mumsnet is so bullshit sometimes

[tiredgirly]

I know in the first few months she managed to save almost £10,000 so she was obviously making a fair amount of money renting the rooms out.
yeah or dealing

[BrightLightsAndSound]

Again, being a posh party girl who blows her mums cash on weed and glastonbury is not equal to a drug addict sleeping rough and worrying about where they're going to sleep for the night.

I also dont think having divorced parents and a mum who worked full time gives you the right to be limping around not working while you "deal" with your "issues".

Stop enabling her.

[goingonabearhunt1]

OP did say DD went to NA in the past but there's no indication she's currently using anything so I don't know why ppl are assuming that either mybutt

[TemptressofWaikiki]

@BrightLightsAndSound Exactly!

[scaryteacher]

Doodley she is still a young adult Nope, she's a full grown adult. I'd been married for five years by the time I was 25, and friends of mine were having their second or third child by then.

[Pinkyyy]

scaryteacher my DM had been married for 7 years and was on her second DC. This girl needs a wake up call she's not 16 and she doesn't need a handhold. What would she do if you weren't in the position to support her?

[blueskiesandforests]

To be honest I don't know what getting married and pregnant at 17 or 20 has to do with this - plenty of people who get married and have babies at 17 or 20 are also returning to their mum for a few months or years at 25 post breakup with small children in tow, which is worse surely?

[anniehm]

I would allow her to stay rent free but give a cut off date - rent is payable from the 1st of January! Whatever her "passion" is she needs to get a job to support herself, perhaps part time.

[Electrascoffee]

'Nope, she's a full grown adult. I'd been married for five years by the time I was 25, and friends of mine were having their second or third child by then.'

So what? And houses cost £200k in those days and you managed to buy one with that situation too? Oh wait...

OP, I'm sure you do love your dd but I think if you don't take her in and try to help her sort herself out she could end up in a worse situation than she is already in. I do think that you should try to make her realise that she's responsible for sorting herself out, albeit with your support. And set some ground rules.

[Sommelierrrr]

What a conundrum. Certainly she needs to take responsibility for herself as an adult and set herself reasonable attainable goals for independence. There is only so much you can do. Help her to budget, to plan, to train, to play to her strengths, give her a timeframe for living with you, show her how you budget, save and invest.... And maybe go to therapy together to try and work through emotional difficulties in a boundaried way. Wishing you all the best

[scaryteacher]

Electra. Nope houses were less in 1991, but we coped. The point is we didn't go haring home to our parents for support; we sorted ourselves out, as we considered ourselves to be fully fledged adults, not young adults as a PP suggested, hence my comment.

I think the OP probably should help, but with strings attached, like hunting for a means of support, and keeping the music as a side job or hobby. I'd time limit it too.

[TheEmmaDilemma]

OP the best thing my mother ever did for me, was at the age of 21 when I packed a suitcase and stormed out, was to refuse to let me back in the next day.

I stopped taking the piss out of her, got myself a job, and a place to live.

I did not understand at the time how hard that was for her. It was horrible for her. But THE BEST THING SHE EVER DID FOR ME.

Your daughter needs to stand on her own two feet. I say let her struggle. You've given enough. She needs to learn.

[Felinefancier]

Can't thank you enough for your advice guys.

I've had a long talk with her and imposed some clear conditions. I'll put her up until January while she looks for work but I won't lend her money (she will sell her car).

I'm really looking forward to seeing her after a 2 ½ month absence. The dog went loopy at the sound of her voice on the phone.

[possumgoddess]

I would let her stay but charge her what it costs you to keep her there. i.e. a percentage of the mortgage or rent if you have either, council tax, water/electricity/gas and food if you are providing it. I would also lay down strict house rules particularly with regard to visitors, keys etc. And let her know in no uncertain terms how you expect the kitchen/bathroom/other communal areas to be kept. If she is working she should be able to pay that, if she is on benefits she should be able to pay that, if she was living somewhere else she would have to pay that and more, so hopefully she will be able to save a little for a deposit on somewhere else to live in the future.

[Havaina]

Good decision, OP. Hope your DD takes this opportunity to turn a new leaf. Do enforce those rules though!

[Escolar]

Glad to hear that you had a good conversation with her, OP. I really hope things work out well for you

[Immielove]

I’d move her in with you and spend time with her. As people have said, ask her to do a couple of jobs and ask that she looks for job/college. You would never forgive yourself if anything happened to her 😢

[MrsPeel]

All the people saying "Well I got a job and/or had kids when I was her age" need to understand that was then this is now and jobs don't grow on trees. You do need to have a conversation about her having a purposeful life but this does not mean refusing her a place to live if her alternative is sleeping rough.

[Phoenix1111]

I'm so glad you spoke to her and are taking her in.

However, I am on her side. You neglected bringing her up during her childhood to gain this financial freedom you can now afford (at the expense of her childhood). I wouldn't even charge her rent or give her ultimatums.

Maybe I'm a soft touch and have been brought up with parents that would do anything they could for me. I in turn would do the same for mine.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have worked but, you have caused her suffering to get to where you are. Least you could do would be to provide her with some stability now.

Having a child goes past 18/25/50.

I hope you two start fresh and make amends.

[yve62]

Yes, it's very hard. Her daughter is in trouble and she certainly seems to have contributed to it.

[Veganfortheanimals]

Fucking hell op....do you really REALLY need to ask this question???..your daughter.your flesh and blood ...is your heart made of stone?

[bengalcat]

Yes take her back in as she's clearly reached crisis point - that said she clearly needs help from somewhere to get life back on track . Music is a hard area to make a living in and as others have indicated maybe teaching music may offer her some income or a least a way to demonstrate she's trying .

[Tistheseason17]

I hope her return goes well for you both. At 25yrs old she should be taking responsibility for herself and impacts of choices she has made.

I'd have taken her back, too.

Just make sure she is not using your home as a doss house and treating it like a hotel. Tough love has to happen, too, so you donlt enable her.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I don’t think she’s reached crisis point necessarily. She’s failing to launch into adulthood. Avoiding and avoiding. Be careful this isn’t just another avoid.

I see you’ve said you’ll take her back. If I were you I’d use this opportunity to stage by stage get her into the real world of rent paying and growing up. Be firm with when she moves out and expect to make the plan with her about moving on next and putting up a deposit. Hand hold her as she moves on, not while she’s avoiding and doing nothing. She gets your help to find and keep a flat, giving her more and more responsibility and not picking up after her this time?