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AIBU to refuse DD 25's request to live with me rent free?

302 replies

Felinefancier · 29/10/2018 05:30

For the last four years DD, 25 has lived in houses owned by me. The idea was she would rent out some of the rooms and pay me a discounted rent, while she worked on her passion, music.

We had a formal tenancy agreement, but she wasn't doing a particularly good job of managing this latest house. When I raised this with her in July we agreed she would move out at the end of August.

She left in the middle of August leaving lots of unpaid bills, repairs not done, piles of belongings and no forwarding address. It has taken me weeks for me to clear all the rubbish sort out the tenants etc.

She got in touch a few days ago and has been camping in and around Glastonbury. Last night she told me that she has no money and needs help and can she come and live with me rent free for 2 months while she gets herself on her feet. There have been no apologies for the mess she left for me to clean up.

I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up).

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

Devora13 · 03/11/2018 10:21

I don't know if she had one consistent primary caregiver when she was growing up, but have you considered she may have insecure attachment? Could you have her home for awhile and work on filling some of the gaps, taking time out yourself to do so?


Devora13 · 03/11/2018 10:34

Agreed but...maybe spending time is far more important than spending money. A child that grew up without a secure attachment will have missed out on developmental milestones which all add up to make a mature brain capable of dealing with adult situations. If some of these milestones were missed, no amount of explaining consequences will allow them to 'get it' as the necessary cause and effect neural pathways are not there. Obviously I know little about the background here, but it sounds to me as though the drugs are an attempt to self medicate due to not coping. If there is therapy, the most effective would be where both parent and child are involved together. If relationship was at the root of the problem, then building a sound relationship is the thing that's needed to fix it. For example, if daughter was traumatised by dad leaving when she was aged two, she may be stuck emotionally in some areas at age two if she never had the chance to work that through.

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