AIBU to refuse DD 25's request to live with me rent free?

[Felinefancier]

For the last four years DD, 25 has lived in houses owned by me. The idea was she would rent out some of the rooms and pay me a discounted rent, while she worked on her passion, music.

We had a formal tenancy agreement, but she wasn't doing a particularly good job of managing this latest house. When I raised this with her in July we agreed she would move out at the end of August.

She left in the middle of August leaving lots of unpaid bills, repairs not done, piles of belongings and no forwarding address. It has taken me weeks for me to clear all the rubbish sort out the tenants etc.

She got in touch a few days ago and has been camping in and around Glastonbury. Last night she told me that she has no money and needs help and can she come and live with me rent free for 2 months while she gets herself on her feet. There have been no apologies for the mess she left for me to clean up.

I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up).

AIBU to refuse?

[Devora13]

AJPTaylor
Agreed but...maybe spending time is far more important than spending money. A child that grew up without a secure attachment will have missed out on developmental milestones which all add up to make a mature brain capable of dealing with adult situations. If some of these milestones were missed, no amount of explaining consequences will allow them to 'get it' as the necessary cause and effect neural pathways are not there. Obviously I know little about the background here, but it sounds to me as though the drugs are an attempt to self medicate due to not coping. If there is therapy, the most effective would be where both parent and child are involved together. If relationship was at the root of the problem, then building a sound relationship is the thing that's needed to fix it. For example, if daughter was traumatised by dad leaving when she was aged two, she may be stuck emotionally in some areas at age two if she never had the chance to work that through.

[Devora13]

I don't know if she had one consistent primary caregiver when she was growing up, but have you considered she may have insecure attachment? Could you have her home for awhile and work on filling some of the gaps, taking time out yourself to do so?

[Icanttakemuchmore]

You can give and give and help and help but at the end of the day the Dd will carry on as she wants. The more you offer to help and the more you give, the more they take and never appreciate it. Believe me I know. My youngest Dd said she had an awful childhood and that's why w she was like she was, but my eldest and middle dds had the same childhood and have said their childhoods were lovely and that the youngest just did everything she could to spoil things so you can't win them all so don't feel guilty op. Just do your best.

[Rebecca36]

Which the op is going to do! She has said so, her daughter will be staying with her (might already be, I can't remember), what's more they are looking forward to it.

So all over until we hear otherwise.

[Sb74]

Ilc72 there is a massive homelessness problem for lots of reasons. What a ridiculous thing to say.

I’m not judging you I’m concluding what you said in your post.

I’m sorry for your past but we all have problems and stories to tell.

Parents shouldn’t turn their backs on their children no matter what. That’s my view anyway. I would always help my children no matter how old they are.

[Cuckooclocks]

I think YABU to not let her stay for a pre-defined period of time, especially if you don’t know if she will be safe otherwise. I would let her come but keep on her to get herself sorted within the 2 months. I’m not at all in favour of coddling adult children but she is your daughter after all.

[confusedmomm]

What's her plan After the two months are over? Could the two months turn into longer?

[RomanyRoots]

I would go and pick her up if it was my dd, and spend a long time listening to what she had to say and nurture her for a couple of months.
There again, I've been the daughter. I'm still a huge drifter and married to one, but we manage to keep one another in check. I could not have got back on track without going back to my parents and I haven't looked back since.

DNAP are you a psychologist?

[ilc72]

Bravo!

[ilc72]

That’s a helpful response! Always blame the parents!

[ilc72]

There is no such thing as homeless. All Local Authorities have a responsibility to help. You know nothing of me so don’t judge me.

I left home at 17 to escape a tragic situation of a violent mother with schizophrenia and an absent father that didn’t care as he spent most of his time with his mistress.

Those scars are with me to this day so don’t lecture about being heartless!

[ilc72]

You mention NA and smoking “weed”. Today “weed” is far from harmless and more often than not it’s actually “skunk” and that can cause serious mental health issues.

If you do let her home, you should make it conditional on being “clean’” and going to NA meetings, it doesn’t have to be NA as all of the 12-Step Meetings such as AA, CoDA, SLA can all help.

If she has an addiction problem the best thing you can do is offer to get her help and support her through the process.

Please don’t let others judge you, every story is different and it sounds like you did everything you could to provide her a better life as a single parent.

It’s easy to let guilt cloud your emotions, I know from personal experience, it’s important for you DD to know you love and will help her, but she also needs to realise that it’s conditional on her helping herself too!

It’s not about the money, that’s just a small facet of the issue!

Good luck!

[Sb74]

That’s all very well but she’s homeless. So you’d let your child be homeless would you ilc72?

[ilc72]

Sometimes as a parent the hardest thing to do is to say enough is enough and administer tough love.

At some point children need to become adults and take responsibility for their own lives. As DD is now 25 and given the sacrifices you’ve made to help her it’s time for her to learn to stand on her own two feet.

If she has an issue with addiction, then she needs professional help, not endless support.

I believe teaching children responsibility should start early, especially once they are a teenager. That can be using pocket money to teach them the value of money, let them have their own bank card etc.. The second part is about teaching independence and learning to look after themselves, from housework to cooking it all helps.

[Sb74]

Of course you should help her she’s your daughter and homeless. How can you even need to ask? I’m not being judgemental because I work full time but maybe some of her issues are related to her childhood. Whether they are or not is irrelevant. As I’ve said before and as I’ll keep saying, children are for life. Some adult kids do keep going back home coz they struggle with life. Do the right thing and let her live there as long she needs to. Doesn’t sound like you struggle financially so why wouldn’t you want to help her? My partner lived with his parents for 4 years following a nervous breakdown in his 30s ( I met him after breakdown) and I looked after him financially too as well as his parents whilst he got back on his feet. It took him five years to get back to a fully functional adult and his parents and I stood by him throughout. A lot of people aren’t as lucky and end up sleeping rough on drugs etc. Your daughter needs you so look after her.

[Dogdays123]

I’d give her one of my houses

[Havaina]

@MadMadaMim


Love how some people are posting without having understood TFT and making direct comments without having read that person's post or, not having bothered to take the time to understand it.

It's actually you either hasn't understood OP's posts or are applying selective comprehension.

The DD wasn't easily paying the rent - some months she did and others she struggled and told her mum she was struggling. It clearly got the better of her as she got into financial difficulty - and her mum's response was to make her homeless. It could and should have been a great earner - I totally agree and didn't say anything to the contrary. The reality did not match what should have been.

The DD made £10k profit in a few months (after paying her mum £1800 rent each month), so she was clearly able to pay the rent. The reason she wasn't paying the rent later on was, as OP suspected was because she was smoking WEED. Plus she also left a huge mess for her mum.

And there's is nothing which confirms whether or not this 'rent' was paying a mortgage. As the OP talks about her workaholic life and multiple properties (expensive), I've asked if it was mortgage free. And if not, I also said that her DD should cover the mortgage.

Which is why I said 'presumably'.

Last but not least - I didn't say the OP neglected her daughter - the OP openly admitted her shortcomings in TFT which you seemingly didn't read/understand.

Yes, you did. Your exact words were 'your admitted neglect'. OP said she was a workaholic and a single mum. You extrapolated that into 'neglect'. The irony of someone who doesn't even remember what they said telling me I've misunderstood is quite funny.

Take some of your own advice before making unfounded assumptions and comments on other people's posts.

So, to finish, I stand by what I said. Read and understand TFT.

[AiryFairyUnicornRainbow]

I honestly do not 'get' why you would consider not helping her and leaving her homeless.

It is a couple of months. She is your daughter.

To be fair, if it was my daughter, and she was sleeping on someones floor, I would be driving over to get her tonight.

If I were face to face with you, I would want to shake you senseless

Yes she has done some daft things, but she is still only young. We all need our mothers sometimes. If the mother choses to be there

[Rebecca36]

The op has already said she will have her daughter back home and is quite excited about it now.

I am looking forward to an update as to how it's going.

[Br1256]

You can make conditions about her returning ...pay rent, get a job etc...but how are you going to enforce it and what will you do if she doesn't. If you want to go the tough love route pay for a deposit on a studio flat (not one you own) and two months rent to get her started and hopefully she might turn it around.

You cannot let her be homeless, although the local council, if she is truly homeless might find her hostel accommodation.

Good luck

[DNAP]

I’m afraid I have to disagree on that one. When it comes to things like this, being what one might term a ‘nice person’ is hardly down to nature alone. There could be many deep rooted issues embedded in the physce of a child, that can predispose to certain behaviours later on in life. Anger is one, and that can manifest itself in many ways that can often seem completely unconnected with how we may have parented in the past, but very often that connection can go way back. There’s a lot we don’t know about this, and some things have more reason than we think.

[1forAll74]

I would let your daughter stay for a while if she is now so desperate, but with some tough love and some rules in your home. I have known quite a few women.who have had a similar life style to your daughter, as if in a dream like existence.
I am not judgmental about people who use a lot of weed, its up to people what they do,, but I find that people who use a lot of weed,usually have lots of brilliant ideas, but then no incentive to do much about their dreams .

It sounds as though your daughter will still be wanting to be off somewhere in the future,with her music,and going to the USA etc.

So your helping hand again is what you most likely will offer, despite the blame she puts on you for her problems from years ago.
Wishing you well for everything !!

[lynfordthecrab]

DNAP that's a ridiculous thing to say. That would imply that everything an adult does is because of how they were brought up which is clearly not the case. Some things are nature not nurture and no matter what you do some people just aren't nice people. Doesn't mean their parents did a bad job of bringing them up.

[DNAP]

And where do people think behaviour like this stems from? We reap what we sow...

[lynfordthecrab]

No I don't think YABU. Time she grew up. I dont think I would turn her away if she was genuinely homeless but I would expect her to pay at least a token rent and be looking for work and be doing jobs at home. I have had a very similar problem with my own son. For some reason they think they can treat everyone else like shit and have no consequences. Sooner or later there has to be consequences for their actions. Sometimes there has to be some tough love.