AIBU to refuse DD 25's request to live with me rent free?
Felinefancier · 29/10/2018 05:30
For the last four years DD, 25 has lived in houses owned by me. The idea was she would rent out some of the rooms and pay me a discounted rent, while she worked on her passion, music.
We had a formal tenancy agreement, but she wasn't doing a particularly good job of managing this latest house. When I raised this with her in July we agreed she would move out at the end of August.
She left in the middle of August leaving lots of unpaid bills, repairs not done, piles of belongings and no forwarding address. It has taken me weeks for me to clear all the rubbish sort out the tenants etc.
She got in touch a few days ago and has been camping in and around Glastonbury. Last night she told me that she has no money and needs help and can she come and live with me rent free for 2 months while she gets herself on her feet. There have been no apologies for the mess she left for me to clean up.
I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up).
AIBU to refuse?
SaucyJack · 29/10/2018 08:18
YWBU to refuse, yes. You are still her mother, and that’s your child that’s facing sleeping out on the streets in the cold.
But that doesn’t mean you have to be delighted about it, or that you have to put up with any more shit. Lay down house rules. She needs to grow up and get a proper job.
FWIW she doesn’t sound lost and unhappy to me. She sounds like an irresponsible drug user who was probably living the life of Riley off of the back of your financial support.
You need to get her to see that the party is over.
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 29/10/2018 08:19
Apologies if I have the wrong end of the stick. But is your dd asking to come back to the family home and live with you or to one of your properties you rent out?
That would make a big difference. If she came home to you maybe you could make a difference and help with some of her (I’m massively assuming) narcotic issues.
If she wants to return to her cash cow where she lives rent free, makes money off air bnb then fucks off and leaves you in debt with unpaid bills then it’s a no.
Sakura7 · 29/10/2018 08:28
Wow, I can't believe this is even a question.
It's one think to work hard as a single mum to pay the bills, and quite another to be a workaholic (as the OP describes herself). The impression I get is that work, money and properties come before the DD, and while she may have been financially looked after, she has ultimately been neglected by her parents. It must have been an extremely lonely childhood and has clearly had a massive impact on her.
She needs help in learning how to manage her life, and she needs to learn that unless she can make money from music, she needs another job. But that can come in time, right now the important thing is getting her home and getting therapy (also for yourself OP to understand why you have treated DD the way you have in the past and to try to build a good relationship going forward).
Mayra1367 · 29/10/2018 08:33
Big hugs to the OP 💐I would not want to be in your shoes .
Maybe you did work long hours , as many parents do to keep a roof over her head , unlike her father. Maybe she has issues from her childhood and needs help with this.
But you did set her up in business where she was able to accumulate 10k which is a fantastic start for any young person . Maybe she has made her own bad choices subsequently. But she is now an adult , no one is ever a perfect parent. Hold you head high , help her but please set some boundaries for her sake as well as yours . Xx
tiredgirly · 29/10/2018 08:34
You share the house was worth £2700 a month, but it's only worth what people will pay, if she couldn't let all the roons then this might call this into share. You were expecting her to stand the cost of the empty rooms (100 percent occupancy is imposdible share) share maintain the house out of her £900.It isn't really clear how generous you wete being
KingBobra · 29/10/2018 08:35
So - "in the first few months she managed to save almost £10,000" - AirBnB is not that expensive. £10k in "a few months" would suggest to me her income is coming from elsewhere... And then she's lost it all, and is about to be homeless... she is clearly not in a good place, and sounds like she's desperate, which is perhaps why she laboured the point about how hard her life was growing up to try and build her case as to why you should help her now, as she was afraid if she asked you outright if she could move in you would say no? Which apparently you're going to say anyway, so looks like she judged that right.
When you "raised it with her in July" that she wasn't doing a good job managing the tenancy, you "agreed" that she would move out in (mid)August - that's really not long after raising an issue to agreeing that she needs to leave. Were there no other solutions discussed? Perhaps she construed that as you kicking her out? If getting tradesmen out to do repairs is anything like it is round here, you need a good 3-4 weeks notice to get time in anyone's diary to get the job done.
It seems odd that she essentially disappeared in August, with no forwarding address, and has only just got in touch, and yet it doesn't sound like you were going out of your mind with worry as to where she was, was she okay... But perhaps that's just the way you wrote your post and what you chose to focus on.
AnnabelleLecter · 29/10/2018 08:36
Yabu. A lot of this doesn't make sense.
You have houses that you rent out one of which could earn you £2700 and you let to your DD at a discount but still a high rent. Why isn't that working? That amount on its own is more than most people earn.
We have done well financially and one of the main incentives was to be able to help out DC if they ever need it. Of course I would let back.
I would actually let her go back to the rental property seeing as you have others and help her form a plan.
Young people make mistakes sometimes and from what I gather was paying you £1800 in rent. Sounds a lot to me. Was this all her money?
mydietstartsmonday · 29/10/2018 08:46
I think she needs you to be her mum.
If she comes home you can keep an eye on what is really going on.
If you have a smaller rental with perhaps one other room try and eventually set her up in that.
The bottom line she is your daughter & she needs you. Is her father around can this be a joint intervention.
You sound a bit lacking in empathy maybe this is your time to be a mother. Good luck
Jamiefraserskilt · 29/10/2018 08:49
She's not on the street, she is sofa surfing. She has made some poor decisions and is apportioning blame to everyone except herself.
If you do allow her back, it should be with firm rules in place. Time for her to take responsibility for her actions.
Where was her father in her childhood? Is living with him an option?
Gingerrogered · 29/10/2018 08:50
OP, has it not occurred to you that when you made your DD homeless she didn't have anywhere to take her belongings? Because that's what happens when you become homeless.
I'm a bit surprised that people are missing what happened with the last house. Your DD hasn't become homeless and unemployed out of the blue. You out her in this situation.
I have to say, if this was an employee, sacking her and giving her a month to get out would have been a bit harsh. To do it to your own daughter when she has zero work history is heartless! Why couldn't you have removed the property management from her but allowed her to keep her room and sign on while she looked for a job? I think you really should have done something less extreme in the first place. I agree with others who have said that you sound more concerned about money and property than her. Managing a property is a big ask for someone who has just moved out of home. And Airbnb can have big peaks and troughs which may account for her not being flush. Was she sometimes having to pay you her rent with no tenants in to pay her?
If I was you I'd give her a room in one of your houses rent free for a few months and tell her to sign on and get a job and take normal rent when she does.
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/10/2018 08:56
I would let her come, but with conditions. She must help around the house, and get a job - whatever she can get - and pay at least some rent.
Maybe she does have issues, but I have known of other adult dcs like this - just irresponsible, refusing to work unless it's their 'ideal' (most unlikely to be available) job, and expecting the state/parents to support them into their 20s and 30s. IMO enabling this does them no favours at all.
formerbabe · 29/10/2018 08:59
We have done well financially and one of the main incentives was to be able to help out DC if they ever need it
Yes if they need it obviously but not because they can't be arsed to work, or want to sit around smoking weed and bumming around with a music 'career'?! Where would it end?
Hannnnnnnxo · 29/10/2018 09:04
Not that I’m an expert, but as far as drugs are concerned weed must be the cheapest! As In dirt cheap - especially compared to harder drugs. Sorry but she most definitely wasn’t rinsing all of her money on weed. Especially as you mention Glastonbury...a mere weed addiction wouldn’t warrant £10K to sustain!
Godowneasy · 29/10/2018 09:06
To everyone thinking DD was getting a bad deal from living in the spare house- She wasn't!
DD was getting a very good deal. She was able to rent out the house for approx £2750 and only had to pay her mother £1800 of that. Therefore DD had a free home and nearly a thousand a month spending money each month.
I think the op is getting a very hard time here- there's nothing to suggest she was a 'bad' mother, just that she worked long hours as a single parent. Presumably dd enjoyed the financial benefits of this as a child. The father leaving when dd was 2 was probably not totally within her control. It's not a reason for DD to blame her dm for at this late stage. DD has to come to terms with the situation rather than let it impact in such a huge way throughout the rest of her life!
In op's shoes, I'd have dd back on condition that she started a job or studying, and that there were very clear boundaries in place. While sorting out the job etc, she could do some voluntary work, and regular chores in the house and taking turns cooking.
DD has been to NA before- this would suggest a serious drug issue, at least in the past, but quite possibly on going. She needs support and clear guidelines about this- it will be very difficult though, especially if she's not interested in getting (and staying) clean.
It's very hard to make meaningful agreements with serious drug users, and sometimes giving them a home etc just seems to further enable them to continue to use, whilst lying and stealing from the host. It's not clear what the exact situation is here.
Don't let your daughter continue to guilt trip you (if this is what is happening) It can be a form of manipulation, and I suspect it is happening. She is an adult now and needs to start acting like one, regardless of her grievances about her childhood. Counselling may be good for her if she sees it as a valuable benefit. It may be good for you too OP on an individual basis, to help you sort out how best to deal with your daughter and how much support etc to give her.
I hope it works out positively for you and your daughter.
tiggerkid · 29/10/2018 09:11
AIBU to refuse?
This question to me doesn't sound like it's about rent really. You may disagree but it sounds like you've kind of reached the point where you are asking yourself whether it's in fact time you cut all ties with your daughter if she doesn't sort out her ways.
I think you know that if you don't let her stay with you rent free, she will likely stop calling you and/or talking to you altogether. The next question is how do you feel about that?
puzzledlady · 29/10/2018 09:13
Yikes. I don’t know OP. I mean it’s your daughter. Not some random off the street. Maybe let her Back in with struck conditions? If she doesn’t get a job within X weeks etc she has to move? Or maybe a part time job even?
Having said that I have a cousin who sounds like your daughter - abuses his father generosity and has a ‘gaming’ career. My uncle take some him back everytime and now he’s moved his gf in, free of charge too. He does nothing but works on his career and gets money from my retired uncle. Never had a proper job, he’s now 42. Uncle didn’t have the heart to kick him out so now my uncle lives a frugally as he can do he can provide for my cousin and his gf.
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