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AIBU to refuse DD 25's request to live with me rent free?

302 replies

Felinefancier · 29/10/2018 05:30

For the last four years DD, 25 has lived in houses owned by me. The idea was she would rent out some of the rooms and pay me a discounted rent, while she worked on her passion, music.

We had a formal tenancy agreement, but she wasn't doing a particularly good job of managing this latest house. When I raised this with her in July we agreed she would move out at the end of August.

She left in the middle of August leaving lots of unpaid bills, repairs not done, piles of belongings and no forwarding address. It has taken me weeks for me to clear all the rubbish sort out the tenants etc.

She got in touch a few days ago and has been camping in and around Glastonbury. Last night she told me that she has no money and needs help and can she come and live with me rent free for 2 months while she gets herself on her feet. There have been no apologies for the mess she left for me to clean up.

I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up).

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

formerbabe · 29/10/2018 07:47

I'd probably let her stay but on strict conditions that she gets a job asap...any job! As soon as she gets a job, she pays her way. Until she gets a job, you won't tolerate her spending money on clothes, nights out etc.

Her behaviour is outrageous.

I know lots of people in their twenties and thirties who are still bumming around trying to become photographers, artists, musicians, blah blah off other people's hard earned money whilst they fulfil their 'passion'.


Seniorschoolmum · 29/10/2018 07:47

What Hollyswift said.

She’s asked for help from her mum and you’re still talking numbers.


Pinkyyy · 29/10/2018 07:48

People should not be so hard on the OP. She has worked every hour she could to provide for her daughter to give her the best life she could, and her DD is throwing it all away. She's asking for advice on how best to deal with the situation, not for people to tell her she's an awful mother. She seems the farthest thing from that in my opinion.


Believeitornot · 29/10/2018 07:52

I think people are being very unfair. The OP was a single mother who worked hard

We don’t know this. There could have been a step dad. The OP could have been working in a high paid job and put money first. You just don’t know.

Either way the dd has not had a happy childhood and is now on drugs. The OP is wanging on about profit etc rather than demonstrating she’s worried about her dd’s wellbeing. I get the sense the OP is more worried about losing out on rent than her dd.


Vivaldi1678 · 29/10/2018 07:52

You need to sit down with her and have a long talk. Then think of constructive ways to help her get back on her feet again. In your shoes, given that you obviously don't want her back under your roof, I would be inclined to give her six month's rent and a deposit for a flat nearby and try to support her in finding work etc. Musicians are sensitive souls, in my experience, and she sounds lost and in a bad place at the moment.


Fairylea · 29/10/2018 07:54

I couldn’t see my daughter homeless so I’d have her back home, but I would expect her to work and contribute. The rent free bit would literally only be until she got a job.

Op you can’t blame yourself for this. Tons of parents work long hours to make ends meet. It doesn’t mean their children go off the rails and blame them for it. Yes not being there for your child as much as you would have wanted is a shame but you can’t turn the clock back now and your dd can’t go through her whole life blaming you for everything. She is an adult and needs to take some responsibility for herself.


BangingOn · 29/10/2018 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - wrong thread.

Mayra1367 · 29/10/2018 07:54

As she is homeless I would let her move in but would expect her to get a job and be an adult.
If she can’t make a living through music I would expect her to get any other job available.
Whatever happened in her childhood is done , time she started acting like an adult .


BangingOn · 29/10/2018 07:55

I’m so sorry, I’ve reported myself for being an idiot and posting on the wrong thread by accident.


Porpoises · 29/10/2018 08:01

I think she needs some tough love, it seems like your rent situation has enabled her to avoid getting a job. That's no good for her in the long run. She needs to learn a work ethic.

If she is in a dangerous situation, give her your support, but support geared towards independence - she needs to claim job seekers allowance if eligible and start applying for jobs, or sign up for training that will lead to a career. Also counseling may help, if she is bringing up issues from her childhood.


Gazelda · 29/10/2018 08:01

I think I'd let her come home and work with her on finding her feet.
After all, you've essentially removed her home and her income source - of course she's going to struggle!


Juells · 29/10/2018 08:02


She's not wanging on about profit, she's giving information about how the daughter has lived for the last few years. She's been supporting the daughter to the tune of £1000 a month - probably more at Air B&B prices.

All the guilt for the father's abandonment is being heaped on the mother. Women are blamed for everything - if the OP had been on benefits and a SAHM she'd be blamed for that. Some people must have had perfect lives and been perfect parents, they're so ready to throw stones at anyone who's having problems with their children.


brizzledrizzle · 29/10/2018 08:03

If she is on the streets then you have a moral responsibility to take her in. There is no way I'd see any child of mine living rough when I had a room they could live in.


MajorArcana · 29/10/2018 08:04

I'd let her stay. She's your daughter and she needs somewhere to live!
Sort the rest out later. If she's with you, you'll see what the real issue is quicker.


darkriver198868 · 29/10/2018 08:07

I would help. I know for a fact that Glastonbury is no place to be homeless.


PurpleWithRed · 29/10/2018 08:07

You may not have been mother of the year but who is? There are plenty far worse and it doesn't give her a get-out-of-adulthood free card.

If you do let her come home on the condition she pulls her weight/comes off weed etc, what will you do if she doesn't do those things? Throw her out? Would you have the strength?


LakieLady · 29/10/2018 08:09

She's homeless, of course YABU.

Have her back, and be supportive, but give her clear guidelines re things like claiming benefits, looking for work or training, keeping the house (and herself) clean and tidy, no drugs etc.

And support her with these things: it sounds as though she has, as we would say in my job, "poor independent living skills". It sounds as though she's had a tough time and this could be your chance to help her in a meaningful way and for her to learn the skills and strategies she needs to be safe and independent.


Believeitornot · 29/10/2018 08:09

All the guilt for the father's abandonment is being heaped on the mother. Women are blamed for everything

Her dd is saying this.... let’s not pull the “all mothers are blamed card” without considering if there is a genuine case! Being a mother does not mean you’re untouchable.

I grew up in a single parent household. Yes my father fucked off. But my mother also made poor choices as well.

And the OP brushes over the dd’s issues and doesn’t consider the impact on being homeless. She hasn’t said this is unaffordable for her to put up her DD. Or even suggested alternatives to support her own dd. That’s a questionable choice.


fuzzywuzzy · 29/10/2018 08:11

I’d bit a agree tobge rent free living either.

Tell you’ll charge her, list all the chores you expect her to do in the house, and ask her what her plans are to become gainfully employed (if she currently isn’t).

I’d also ban all drug use in the house.

And if she breaks any of the rules she’s out with a weeks notice.

I broke up with ex when my dc were young, and spend a lot of time at work because I have bills to pay, I don’t expect my dc to be holding this over me for the rest of their lives, they’d have a decidedly shit standard of living were I to choose to quit my job.


Likeshyt · 29/10/2018 08:11

It sounds like she just needs you OP. I know she’s took the piss, but maybe she’s holding resentment for her childhood? I grew up without a dad not wanting to see me. I never met him. for me my mum took off 5 years from work (as a single mum) to bring me up which made up for not having a dad in some ways. But if she had neither, OP without speaking out of line, I really think you might owe her. No financial help will help your daughter rebuild her life just a relationship with you and maybe some counselling - everyone should have it. :(


NoSquirrels · 29/10/2018 08:14

If she’s going to be kicked out if her temporary accommodation by mid-week, then I’d have to take her in.

Do you like her, OP? Nothing emotional comes across in your posts.

Help her. That doesn’t mean you need to subsidise her for ever. It sounds like what she needs is practical first, then getting on an even keel emotionally and financially (with a job) and sorting out any addiction issues with counselling.


PoshPenny · 29/10/2018 08:14

I think you need to go and see her and assess the situation, but I think I'd be inclined to let her come home for a few months to get back on her feet and perhaps the two of you go for counselling to sort out your relationship. It sounds like she's blaming you for her father leaving. Do you think she's in with the weed smoking new age hippy type crowd in Glastonbury? I'd certainly agree with PP that smoking weed really messes you up I only need to spend 10 minutes with my brother to remember that


EssentialHummus · 29/10/2018 08:14

I think the first message needs to be "come home and let's make a plan together".


wewillrememberthem · 29/10/2018 08:14

I'd have her back and set ground rules and if they're not adhered to show her the door. In our house we have a saying, there's two sides to the door. The warm side and the cold side and depending on how you want to live depends which side of the door you are on!


FaFoutis · 29/10/2018 08:15

It sounds like she is asking for some love from her mother. She asked to stay with you when she could have asked to stay in one of your many other houses.

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