AIBU to refuse DD 25's request to live with me rent free?
Felinefancier · 29/10/2018 05:30
For the last four years DD, 25 has lived in houses owned by me. The idea was she would rent out some of the rooms and pay me a discounted rent, while she worked on her passion, music.
We had a formal tenancy agreement, but she wasn't doing a particularly good job of managing this latest house. When I raised this with her in July we agreed she would move out at the end of August.
She left in the middle of August leaving lots of unpaid bills, repairs not done, piles of belongings and no forwarding address. It has taken me weeks for me to clear all the rubbish sort out the tenants etc.
She got in touch a few days ago and has been camping in and around Glastonbury. Last night she told me that she has no money and needs help and can she come and live with me rent free for 2 months while she gets herself on her feet. There have been no apologies for the mess she left for me to clean up.
I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up).
AIBU to refuse?
doodleygirl · 29/10/2018 09:13
What have you done to try and improve your relationship with her. I seriously do not understand why you havent brought her home, told her you love her and started to help unravel why she is in this state.
You are her mother, she is still a young adult, step up to your job.
Maelstrop · 29/10/2018 09:14
Managing a house is hard? The dd is 25, not straight out of school and has gone through potentially 10s of thousands of £ in income. It’s not her dm who has made her homeless.
Does she have a job, OP? If so, charge her normal rent, but be prepared for tough times and to make her leave again if she doesn’t step up. Her addiction is not your fault.
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/10/2018 09:18
I would allow her to stay, conditional on getting a job (any job, as PPs have said). If she has any intention of becoming a self supporting adult, she will accept that. If she is just looking for a way to keep living off others, she will find someone else to live off.
Most of us are very flawed parents, and most of us had flawed parents too. Unless there is a history of abuse or significant neglect, blaming our own bad decisions on our pretty ordinary childhoods is pathway to nothing, IMO.
titchy · 29/10/2018 09:21
She's a homeless addict. House her. But make the condition of free board that she goes to counselling or NA, does not smoke, does some housework and makes a small attempt at getting back into being a responsible self sufficient member of society - so a part then job, or course.
Leannakate · 29/10/2018 09:22
I think you would be very unreasonable to potentially make your own daughter homeless. Maybe her childhood was rough - mine was and my mum won't admit it. Maybe that's why she's not got her shit together or why she feels like she owes you. But either way yes you would be very unreasonable to not help your daughter get back on her feet. She is your daughter. This is your job.
Felinefancier · 29/10/2018 09:33
Do you like her, OP? Nothing emotional comes across in your posts.
I love her dearly and miss her so much I cry sometimes. I wanted to stick to the facts in my original post.
I can afford to put her up, this is not about money, it's about not enabling her to be irresponsible. She is sofa surfing until 31st Oct when she says she will have nowhere to go.
She bought a car when she moved out of the airbnb house so she had some savings. She has lots of plans ranging from singing, to being a dominatrix, to travelling and living out of a van. (I'm trying not to judge). She has worked as a hotel receptionist in the past and has great people skills. She's also talked of meeting a guy who lives in the US and he's apparently sending her a plane ticket to go visit him. None of it makes much sense to me. Getting a conventional job doesn't appear to be on her radar.
I have paid for therapy for her (and myself) in the past. Her father lives in the US and has never paid anything in maintenance. I'm divorced from her stepfather (8 yrs). He takes her abroad 3-4 times a year, but would never just give her money.
I want her to be a functioning adult who is not living off me whilst simoultaneously blaming me for all her problems.
Loonoon · 29/10/2018 09:35
People are giving the OP a hard time. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they make the changes they need.
My DB is an alcoholic. He is charming, intelligent and persuasive when he is off the drink. Over many years he moved from family member to family member, living rent free, talking a good game, lying and stealing to get money for booze and eventually doing a moonlight flit when they asked for money/housework from him. I can honestly say he left a trail of devastation and debt in his wake . Eventually he ran out of people to use and ended up sleeping rough long term (rather than just the odd week here and there). Even my dad and DB’s wife wouldn’t take him in again.
That was DBs rock bottom. He started volunteering in a hostel he sometimes slept in, graduated to paid work there and now supports himself. He lives at a subsistence level, working pt, lives in a bed sit and still abuses alcohol but he has set himself some boundaries now when he he would never have done if we had kept taking him in and bailing him out. Sometimes tough love is needed.
Lizzie48 · 29/10/2018 09:36
My DM has always been a workaholic as well. I can see similarities in the way my DB's life has ended up and he's now 51 and completely unable to function as an adult. She's always felt guilty about how he's turned out and in some ways with good reason, as she missed the fact that the three of us (I have a DSis as well) suffered terrible abuse as children.
But her response has been to constantly bail him out of whatever mess he gets himself in, and expect DSis and me to look out for him too. This has meant that he's never had to figure anything out for himself. He's also totally ungrateful, and altogether unpleasant to have around.
It's actually no longer relevant how guilty or not guilty you were, OP. No parent is perfect. You do need to listen to how she feels about it, because, whether she's right or not to blame you, she's clearly does.
I think you should have her live with you, but expect her to pull her weight around the house, and on condition she gets proper help for her addictions, whatever they are, and starts looking for a proper job.
If there are MH issues involved then she'll need support from her GP, and Community Mental Health Team.
But it should lead to her standing on her own two feet.
I'm sure the OP does love her DD. Believe me, it's possible to love a family member without liking them, because you're worn out. We all love my DB, but to hear me talking about him sometimes you wouldn't think so. The frustration can be intense when a person just won't help themselves!
Lizzie48 · 29/10/2018 09:38
I've just seen your update, I could imagine myself writing those exact words about my DB, and my DM has used your words almost exactly about him depending upon her whilst also blaming her.
The flowers emoji isn't working for me at the moment, but I'm sending them to you now.
zzzzz · 29/10/2018 09:40
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CaptSkippy · 29/10/2018 09:51
I would take her in, but it seems like some tough love is in order. It seems like you've been going easier on her and bailing her out all the time, because you feel guilty over being a single working mom to her during most of her childhood. There is nothing wrong with how you live your life, but it seems she needs a good kick up the bum.
My parents supported me, but also made demands. I really longed for freedom so I got my shit together and slowly became finacially independent. They still help me from time to time and I help them, but life is messy and a lot of it is boring and a daily grind if you want to make things work, even if you are self-employed.
I'd let her move in with some stipulations. If she doesn't stick to her side of the agreement she is out on her own. You will have given her a fair chance without coddling her.
TheDayMyButtWentPsycho · 29/10/2018 09:59
Do you like her, OP? Nothing emotional comes across in your posts.
Oh do fuck off.
You think you're qualified with your arm chair psychology to make that judgement over a few words on a thread where the OP is clearly trying to lay out the facts for pragmatic views on her situation.
What bellend comes up with that?
OP if it were me, I would give her a room but charge her minimal rent with an end date.
If she managed to make 10k from your house because of you, then she was taking you for a massive ride and now, even worse, is emotionally blackmailing you.
That's fucked up.
AbsentmindedWoman · 29/10/2018 10:19
I have sympathy for both. The OP does sound quite distant from her daughter but we don't know why that is. Maybe she does love her in her heart of hearts - but had to put that to one side when she was working long hours and didn't get to see her child.
It's sad but some parents just don't feel much of a bond with children, especially once they've grown up. The daughter sounds like she is flailing badly at trying to meet adult responsibilities, and the mother sounds exasperated because she doesn't have the inclination to step in and help the kid work it out.
Tough love won't work here. It's screamingly obvious that the daughter can't manage - nobody does that for shits and giggles. Even if she was partying all the time before this, I bet that was bravado. Not a real choice to fuck up your life.
Sometimes people make poor choices because they aren't equipped with the skills to make better ones. That's not the same thing as having a real choice.
goingonabearhunt1 · 29/10/2018 10:32
Sounds like the DD doesn't want to get a regular job as that's too boring. I have known a few ppl like this, chasing all sorts of dreams but expecting others to bail them out. The hard fact is though, she will need to learn to support herself eventually as everyone else has to. I don't think you should let her be homeless but as pp have said, there should be conditions to her staying with you (job plus being respectful, helping in the house etc.). Then hopefully she can save a bit and move into a house share or something and become a bit more self sufficient.
StaySafe · 29/10/2018 10:33
I worked long hours when my children were young, they turned out very well, probably a lo;t better than those who were helicopter parented and didn't develop independence. The OP has had a terrible time on this thread when she offered her adult daughter a very good opportunity.
If this were me I'd let the daughter return, but only to my house with very strict rules in place.
Sakura7 · 29/10/2018 10:43
Based on the update, it sounds like there might be mental health issues here. Some of the things she's saying are really not normal (e.g. the travelling van) and having this much difficulty managing finances can be a sign of a mental health problem. The description of the DD reminds me of a friend's relative - she turned out to be bipolar and improved greatly once she was getting the right treatment.
BrightLightsAndSound · 29/10/2018 10:50
Shes not a "drug addict", she sounds like any number of the posh girls you meet in London.
24, no job, focussing on "music", renting her mummys properties out on airbnb (and screwing working people out of long term accommodation in the process), using the money to get weed and fund a party lifestyle that includes music festivals.
Needs a wake up call.
aishaspell60 · 29/10/2018 10:52
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Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2018 10:54
I want her to be a functioning adult who is not living off me whilst simultaneously blaming me for all her problems.
That sounds tough. You both want the other to apologise. Her for her childhood. You for trashing your property. Neither one is giving much here and neither of you sound happy.
As the older adult and parent in the relationship, I think you should try and give her what she needs and perhaps in the process she will give you what you need. For if you both decide what the other person is doing / giving isn’t good enough you’ll get nowhere having reached a stalemate of your choosing.
Yes, I would have her home and apologise for not being the parent she needed. Now that you know better, you’re going to do better. Tell her how much you love her and are proud of the woman she is - ie not what she does. (She must have some good qualities and sounds pretty resourceful at times. So that’s something to comment on for example).
If your dd has a drug problem, could you pay for her to go to rehab? Would she go? That would get a roof over her head, give her some counselling and maybe some life skills.
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