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AIBU to refuse DD 25's request to live with me rent free?

302 replies

Felinefancier · 29/10/2018 05:30

For the last four years DD, 25 has lived in houses owned by me. The idea was she would rent out some of the rooms and pay me a discounted rent, while she worked on her passion, music.

We had a formal tenancy agreement, but she wasn't doing a particularly good job of managing this latest house. When I raised this with her in July we agreed she would move out at the end of August.

She left in the middle of August leaving lots of unpaid bills, repairs not done, piles of belongings and no forwarding address. It has taken me weeks for me to clear all the rubbish sort out the tenants etc.

She got in touch a few days ago and has been camping in and around Glastonbury. Last night she told me that she has no money and needs help and can she come and live with me rent free for 2 months while she gets herself on her feet. There have been no apologies for the mess she left for me to clean up.

I feel she is manipulating me for my deficiencies as a mother (the request to come and stay came after a long conversation about how hard life was for her growing up).

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

Petitepamplemousse · 29/10/2018 07:07

‘Tough love’ does not work in situations like this. You will push her away into a dangerous situation and in all likelihood she will never forgive you. Of course you should let her stay. Once she’s staying with you then TALK about what you have said here. Don’t reject a daughter in need- how horrible.


HollySwift · 29/10/2018 07:10

This reply has been deleted

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Debfronut · 29/10/2018 07:12

It sounds like your daughter feels money and work are what you love and not her. Your post puts money and business first tòo. If I were you I would have a long hard look at the things she said and access counselling for you both as the emotional damage parents do affects how we behave as adults. She will try to be the opposite of you with money if she despises how you were as a parent. Of course you should help her and try to sort out your relationship and her future and any addivtions before worrying about how much rent should be paid.


Bluesmartiesarebest · 29/10/2018 07:13

I’d let her move in but only on the agreement that she gives up all drugs including weed, gets therapy and looks for a job or training that will earn her a living. I’d make her sign something so that she knows that you are serious about wanting to help her but won’t bail her out again. She gets one chance and if she messes up she’s out for good. She sounds like she needs some tough love in order to mature.


Sarahjconnor · 29/10/2018 07:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 29/10/2018 07:16

I’d have her home. Would family counselling help too?

Were you a workaholic or just working bloody hard as a single parent to ensure you were financially stable as a family? Maybe counselling will get to the bottom of the issues? Is her anger with you working justified or unreasonable? Same as the split with her father, most people do not split without good reason.


TenForward82 · 29/10/2018 07:17

You seem very detached about her, and OP, and more worried about the money aspect. I think she needs help and guidance. Do you enjoy motherhood or just want your own life?


HellenaHandbasket · 29/10/2018 07:18

She doesn't say she was a 'shit mum', how rude.

I'd meet with her. She sounds like she needs you, and I couldn't refuse.


Escolar · 29/10/2018 07:18

I'd let her live with me rent free (or for a nominal rent), yes. She's only 25, you're not short of money, and you want to make it up to her for not being around much when she was little. I can't really see why you would refuse.

Presumably you'll be financially better off now, compared to the last four years, as you'll be able to get full market rate for the houses you own.

I wouldn't give her any money though. She needs to get a job and support herself. The rent free thing is a helping hand.


SilverApples · 29/10/2018 07:20

Wow, you woke up rude and judgey this morning, strawberrisc.
Two threads means one usually gets deleted, and I posted on the other thread when it only had a few responses. So it was a waste of time.


BiccieJar · 29/10/2018 07:23

YABU to leave your daughter in that situation. Especially considering you haven’t been there for her in the past either and it’s obviously affected her. Children don’t stop needing support when they grow up, the support just changes! Bring her home and help her find her feet. I would be heartbroken if this was my daughter


AjasLipstick · 29/10/2018 07:25

Why don't you give her the support she obviously needs, probably due to having an absent Mother and a Father who left?


user1457017537 · 29/10/2018 07:29

I struggle with why parents always get the blame and people jump to conclusions re the DD’s childhood. She may have had a perfectly good childhood. No sympathy here for the Op who probably worked extremely hard in her life. Her daughter is an adult why should she enable possible drug addiction.


Labradoodliedoodoo · 29/10/2018 07:29

Personally I’d let her come back but work on building a relationship and bond. Explain your expectations beforehand (doing half of cooking, cleaning) and tell her you’d like to develop a couple of hobbies together - walking, cinema, theatre etc. Try and get to know her properly and have
Some fun together


kaytee87 · 29/10/2018 07:31

I couldn't ever consider leaving my child homeless (barring them being physically abusive towards me I suppose).
My child(ren) will always have a home with me.


Labradoodliedoodoo · 29/10/2018 07:32

Possibly the state of the house wasn’t intended. If dyslexic or depressed or distracted by drugs. Everyone deserves a second chance. However you do need to explain how much time it took you to sort the mess out and how upset it made you feel. Then forgive her but don’t forget


Labradoodliedoodoo · 29/10/2018 07:33

What things do you like about your DD?


Labradoodliedoodoo · 29/10/2018 07:33

Do you make her feel valued?


PoisonousSmurf · 29/10/2018 07:39

This thread is not going to be answered by the OP anytime soon.
It's more of a stealth 'boast' thread. Look at me!
I'm a single mum with lots of properties and I did it all by myself!

If the OP doesn't warm up her heart to her only DD, then she will find out how lonely this world can be in lots of empty properties.


Lovemusic33 · 29/10/2018 07:39

I would let her come home for a few months, she’s your daughter. If she’s not working then she can’t pay you rent, if she is working then I would ask for a small contribution towards food but no rent until she’s back in her feet. Sounds like she’s struggling, moving back in with you parent/s isn’t easy, I had to do it for a couple months and hated it.


twattymctwatterson · 29/10/2018 07:41

You sound very cold towards your only child


Juells · 29/10/2018 07:43

I think people are being very unfair. The OP was a single mother who worked hard. Punish her punish her!.

I'd let her come home, and support her through addiction treatment or whatever, but far from being a bad mother I wonder if you spoiled her? A friend's daughter (now in her thirties) has a huge chip on her shoulders and constantly punishes her mother for what she perceives as the mother's multiple failings, when the main failing was the mother did too much for her. I get the rage listening to her latest complaints. I dragged my children from pillar to post, disorganised, over-protective, they didn't get pocket money, didn't go on school trips because I was paranoid about safety -there are lists of things that they could justifiably hold against me now they're adults, but they don't, and never did.

She's had too pretty easy. Living rent free in exchange for renting out rooms was pretty cushy, and she's managing to make you feel guilty about being a bad mother.

Definitely help her get back on her feet, but I would enable her any longer. Were you on your own with a small child at her age? I know plenty of people who were, and doing the best they could in the circumstances. She could end up in a permanent state of adolescence unless she sorts herself out.


greencatbluecat · 29/10/2018 07:46

What @GlassOuijan says


hibbledibble · 29/10/2018 07:46

The problem is it sounds like you have always funded her lifestyle, so she seems very dependent.

If you invite her to move in it will very likely be for much longer than 2 months, and once she is in, you will find it very difficult to move her out.

I think tough love is warranted in some situations, but I wouldn't want to see my child homeless either.

What a difficult situation.

Can you invite her in on the condition she either works or studies and address her addiction (if there is one)?


diddl · 29/10/2018 07:46

Even if you did have "deficiencies as a mother", she can't keep expecting you to support her forever.

And if things were that bad, why isn't she NC?

I doubt that I could leave my child homeless, but she's counting on that, isn't she?

She'd have to get a job-I'd not be wanting to totally keep her.

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