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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that’s it’s not weird or sad for a woman to be a 40 year old virgin?

138 replies

Ubertasha2 · 28/10/2018 22:00

Having a discussion about this and realise that all women have different experiences in life. I don’t think this is weird but some people think that a woman being a virgin at 40 is odd. Why?

  • the woman may not have found a mate either “worthy” enough or the “worthy” one may not like her in return
  • she may have medical issues
  • she may have no interest in sex (I know many people who feel this way!)
  • she may never have had a relationship and may not be the type to participate in casual sex/one night stand
  • she may have been a victim of some kind of abuse

Any thoughts, anyone?

I personally think that whether one has had 10, 20, 30 partners by 25 or 0 partners by 40 is neither here nor there, and only the individual’s business.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/10/2018 16:51

Although the terms required are 'celibate' or 'unable to do penetrative sex'. But that doesn't mean we're 'virgins

Virgin has its own meaning, it means never having had sex, neither celibate or unable to have penatritive sex is the same, as neither preclude previous sexual experiences, if someone hasn't had sex, they are factually a virgin, being celibate or unable to have sex doesn't make someone a virgin.

And for them to move all their shite, crap record collection and smelly trainers etc into my home!

I can only presume someone has offended you and you're being defensive and you know full well that falling in love with someone and wishing to live with them does not mean they either move into your home, often people set up together, nor does it mean they own crap, have smelly feet or a crap record collection. My husband may have his own faults, but if I'm brutally honest, his feet are fine, he doesn't own crap and he doesn't have a record collection either. All our music is held electronically,

Lizzie48 · 31/10/2018 17:00

@Bluntness100

I know that's what 'virgin' means. That's what I was meaning, that there are some of us who did have sexual experiences in the past but for whatever reason are not able to now, or don't want to. I'm in that position myself, but I'm obviously not a 'virgin'.

WickedLazy · 31/10/2018 17:02

I would think they'd probably missed out on a lot, I do think sex can really bring two people closer together in a way nothing else can. Lust feels great, but sex with someone yoy love is 100x better imo. Falling asleep in and waking up in someones arms after, and feeling that bond and the tenderness. And the physical and mental satisfaction a good orgasm brings (never as good on my own as when I'm with someone), I feel quite frustrated if I haven't had sex for a while. And of course it may be too late for children by 40. Not everyone has a high (or any?) sex drive though, or wants a child. If they were asexual I'd think fair enough, if they weren't but their self esteem was so low it just never happened, that would make me want to give them a hug.

Bluntness100 · 31/10/2018 17:37

Lizzie, I don't get the point and maybe missed it, but no clearly someone who has had sex is not a virgin. But that's not what the op is asking about? She's asking about women who have never had sex, not those currently inactive.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 31/10/2018 22:52

A few posters have given examples of people who have perhaps failed to form intimate relationships, and therefore not gone on to have sexual experiences.

Whilst acknowledging that for some people this remains a personal choice, I feel sorry for those who would have liked a close relationship and missed out, and it seems desperately sad that religion has such as strong influence.

PenelopeChipShop · 31/10/2018 22:59

I think it’s a bit sad tbh. I can’t imagine a life without an intimate relationship! If it’s not through choice I can only imagine it’s a consequence of low self esteem which I do think is sad.

I recently dated a guy who revealed he lost his virginity at 29 and tbh I was shocked by that!

Gwenhwyfar · 31/10/2018 23:30

"You said earlier that you are.

Celibacy is a choice. It indicates that the person wants to have sex but is instead making an active decision not to."

Not always. Never heard the term incel? (I know it's used by horrible, entitled men, but the point is that celibacy can be voluntary or involuntary or even something in the middle.

vdbfamily · 31/10/2018 23:53

I was 34 when I married and we were both virgins. My 3 brothers were all virgins and married virgins as were most of my close friends. It is fairly normal if you grow up in any sort of religious environment and for me , the teaching was not threatening, but more that casual sex can damamge you emotionally and you can get used and hurt, and it made perfect sense to me to not become intimate in that way with my now husband un til we had agreed that our relationship was going to be a lifelong commitment.
We are teaching the same to our children, that it is for their wellbeing, not just a random rule. I have no idea whether they will make the same choices but they obviously have to decide for themselves. They know that the sky will not fall on their heads if they decide to have sex, but they also know that they could get STD's/pregnant/heartbreak etc and that the best way of knowing if someone really loves you for you and not just for sex, is to not have sex until you have made the commitment. 17 years on....it worked for us so I hope they can see that.

IndigoSpritz · 01/11/2018 16:29

Low self-esteem has had a few mentions on this thread. Makes me wonder if this might have been my problem all along.

Lellochip · 01/11/2018 17:24

Definitely mine indigo - not a virgin but probably not far off requalifying lol, just don't see myself as someone who people would be interested in anyway so don't really do anything re. dating etc. It's quite easy to avoid all that when you've got no confidence tbh, so can see how women suddenly find themselves 40+ virgins Sad

ConkerGame · 01/11/2018 18:17

On the flip side I know a few girls with low self esteem who have had plenty of sex but with horrible guys who have treated them very badly. The lovely women put up with the bad treatment as they want a relationship and feel that they probably won’t find anyone else if they leave the guy.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/11/2018 20:24

Yes, low self-esteem can go both ways. I would say that people with much less experience than the average usually have plenty of self-respect, but maybe not enough self-confidence.

IndigoSpritz · 02/11/2018 11:32

Sounds like me Gwen, except I have no experience. Such is life.

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