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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that’s it’s not weird or sad for a woman to be a 40 year old virgin?

138 replies

Ubertasha2 · 28/10/2018 22:00

Having a discussion about this and realise that all women have different experiences in life. I don’t think this is weird but some people think that a woman being a virgin at 40 is odd. Why?

  • the woman may not have found a mate either “worthy” enough or the “worthy” one may not like her in return
  • she may have medical issues
  • she may have no interest in sex (I know many people who feel this way!)
  • she may never have had a relationship and may not be the type to participate in casual sex/one night stand
  • she may have been a victim of some kind of abuse

Any thoughts, anyone?

I personally think that whether one has had 10, 20, 30 partners by 25 or 0 partners by 40 is neither here nor there, and only the individual’s business.

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 30/10/2018 23:55

I have literally no idea what you’re on about now OP.

Given that most women by 40 have had sex, persisting that for a woman that age not to have done so is bizarre.

BakedBeans47 · 30/10/2018 23:57

*Given that most women by 40 have had sex, persisting that for a woman that age not to have done so is not unusual is bizarre.

BakedBeans47 · 30/10/2018 23:59

And since when does someone having had sex make them a “sheep”?

OP, you do know where babies come from?

BakedBeans47 · 31/10/2018 00:05

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slashlover · 31/10/2018 00:09

And since when does someone having had sex make them a “sheep”?

I believe OP was talking to me and referencing that I would be a sheep to have sex when I'm not interested just to fit in.

Ubertasha2 · 31/10/2018 00:23

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chrisinthesun · 31/10/2018 00:33

Yes it is unusual and a bit weird for someone to be a virgin at 40. No one can seriously say it's not.

And every person I have known past the age of 30 who is still a virgin has always been eccentric and odd.

ReanimatedSGB · 31/10/2018 00:43

Don't forget that 'unusual' can be a positive trait (well, unless you are absolutely surrounded by stupid people). Yes, it's relatively unusual to have reached the age of 40 without engaging in any incident of partnered sex but that doesn't mean it's bad, or sad, or anything to worry about.

I am, perhaps, 'unusual' in that I have had a lot of sex but never married or lived with a partner (I am in my 50s). I'm happy about that. I consider never having had to put up with a man in my face all the time expecting domestic service is a blessing...

Chouetted · 31/10/2018 00:49

"unusual" is a neutral term, "bizarre" and "weird" are not.

I've always aspired to eccentricity though, I find it very charming.

Original poster
Ubertasha2 · 31/10/2018 00:52

Yes, @SGB, just before I go to bed wanted to agree with you that I’ve also never lived with a partner, and never ever want to. Couldn’t bear to share my space full-time with anyone- bed, bathroom, sofa etc! And for them to move all their shite, crap record collection and smelly trainers etc into my home! The only creature welcome on my bed f/t is my gorgeous dog!

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 31/10/2018 00:54

"But that could be said to be sat at any age (over the age of consent)."

Well, not really. I wouldn't consider it sad at 17 or at 25, but 40 is different. Quite late to find someone and have children for one thing.

Original poster
Ubertasha2 · 31/10/2018 00:56

None of my friends want children, Gwen! Me included!

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 31/10/2018 01:02

"I'm not celibate"

You said earlier that you are.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/10/2018 01:02

"None of my friends want children, Gwen! Me included!"

So what? Most people do.

ButchyRestingFace · 31/10/2018 06:19

Well, not really. I wouldn't consider it sad at 17 or at 25, but 40 is different. Quite late to find someone and have children for one thing.

What I meant is that if the person is really keen to have sex, and isn’t able to (for whatever reason), then it’s sad for them.

Obviously there are degrees of sadness depending on age/circumstances, but I was thinking of the issue on its own merits, and completely distinct from considerations of having children.

One can become a parent without ever having sex, although it’s the most common way.

GinUnicorn · 31/10/2018 07:12

I think sex and intimacy are wonderful things to experience so it is a shame for people to miss out assuming they are not asexual.

It’s pretty unusual to be a virgin past your 20s I believe so it’s not the norm.

Lizzie48 · 31/10/2018 07:55

There's no need to be unkind to the OP because she doesn't want sex. Yes, it's unusual, but calling her an 'oddball' is plain nasty, @BakedBeans47 but I've noticed that that's your style on other threads.

You can't possibly know how many people haven't had sex by the age of 40, because it's not something they're going to tell you unless they know you well, is it?

Lizzie48 · 31/10/2018 08:02

As an example, hardly anyone knows that I can no longer to face having sex with my DH because of what happened to me as a child, as it's too triggering. It's not how I want to be, but it's how it is.

Sexual intimacy obviously can be a wonderful thing, but it isn't everyone's experience, and labelling people as oddballs because their experience is different from yours is extremely unkind. Especially as they're sharing something deeply personal.

ButchyRestingFace · 31/10/2018 08:02

You can't possibly know how many people haven't had sex by the age of 40, because it's not something they're going to tell you unless they know you well, is it?

I fancy knowing Bakedbeans well would make them even more disinclined to tell her. Wink

slashlover · 31/10/2018 08:37

"unusual" is a neutral term, "bizarre" and "weird" are not.

This.

"I'm not celibate"

You said earlier that you are.

Celibacy is a choice. It indicates that the person wants to have sex but is instead making an active decision not to.

It's like the difference between someone who doesn't want chocolate so doesn't eat it and someone who wants chocolate but is purposely avoiding it.

E20mom · 31/10/2018 08:54

It's certainly unusual. But not my business.

user1490465531 · 31/10/2018 09:27

Sometimes sex is not all that.
Some women may be with a partner but having such crap sex that it's not much different to having no sex at all.
I'm late 30s and have only had one ex partner that was any good in bed the others were only interested in their own needs.
I'm single now but can honestly say because of the mainly crap sexual experiences I don't miss sex that much.

IndigoSpritz · 31/10/2018 15:53

It's the physical sensations that I remain most curious about. Is there any trepidation about the two most private and delicate parts of the human body coming into such close contact ? I just can't imagine how it would feel to place a part of my person into that of another. Perhaps I'll never know as time marches on.

user59589098 · 31/10/2018 16:28

I think, for me, the sexual urge overcame any trepidation in the end. I am quite a shy person IRL too, but that sexual urge (and for some biological urge to reproduce) is tremendously powerful.

EthelHallowsBroomstick · 31/10/2018 16:43

I know someone in this situation (well she's mid 30s). And we've been friends about 30 years so I know her life story. She has low self confidence and when we were younger she didn't flirt with guys or expect them to flirt with her, so anyone interested felt friendzoned. She also wouldn't want to have sex outwith marriage because of her religious beliefs but also isn't sure she could compromise enough to be married, especially after living alone for so long. In her mid 20s she'd say she would like to meet someone but never did anything about it and I think she's given up on that side of life now. It's not impossible to imagine her with someone but I think they'd have to pursue her very slowly and gently (she'd never pursue anyone).