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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that’s it’s not weird or sad for a woman to be a 40 year old virgin?

138 replies

Ubertasha2 · 28/10/2018 22:00

Having a discussion about this and realise that all women have different experiences in life. I don’t think this is weird but some people think that a woman being a virgin at 40 is odd. Why?

  • the woman may not have found a mate either “worthy” enough or the “worthy” one may not like her in return
  • she may have medical issues
  • she may have no interest in sex (I know many people who feel this way!)
  • she may never have had a relationship and may not be the type to participate in casual sex/one night stand
  • she may have been a victim of some kind of abuse

Any thoughts, anyone?

I personally think that whether one has had 10, 20, 30 partners by 25 or 0 partners by 40 is neither here nor there, and only the individual’s business.

OP posts:
Agustarella · 28/10/2018 22:55

I've known two (both male, one first DTD aged 44) and suspect another (female).

I think I have about average sexual experience but there are many areas of life where I've underachieved or done very little, so I think I understand the sense of regret. But the regret of a sexless life may be worse as it's such an intimate thing and difficult to discuss with friends IRL.

tabulahrasa · 28/10/2018 22:56

Well other than not being interested, then yes it's potentially a bit sad because every other reason you’ve listed implies that she’s wanted a sex life but hasn’t been able to have one, which seems a shame tbh.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 28/10/2018 22:57

Id feel sad for her, that she has missed out on so much fun

Other than that, No opinion

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/10/2018 23:03

I would also think it unusual but not weird. A bit sad that they have never found someone, IF they wanted to - but if they weren't bothered themselves, then it wouldn't bother me either.

It's more unusual in these more permissive days - wouldn't have been blinked at back when sex before marriage was heavily frowned upon.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/10/2018 23:03

Some people are just not interested/asexual and are not bothered. Mind you, 'virgin' is a bullshit patriarchy concept anyway, as someone once said: the idea of virginity was invented by men because they need to think their dicks are so special that they can change who you are.
In the case of OP's friend - is she bothered? Has she ever had any kind of 'sex' with anyone (eg snogging, hand job, genital stuff that wasn't actual PIV)?

catpooproblems · 28/10/2018 23:06

Unusual? Yes, very.

Any of my business? Not at all.

deptfordgirl · 28/10/2018 23:14

I actually know a few women (and men) who are openly in their 30s/ 40s and virgins. All because of religious beliefs and not having found a person to marry. They all live in London (i have found it more common there), have busy jobs and attend a church which is largely made up of young adults/students so not many suitable choices of partner for them. I know the ones I know well struggle with it but mainly because they feel they won't now have children.

KingPenguin · 28/10/2018 23:17

I think it's more common than people think because people who are isolated, and so not discussing their (lack of) sex life with a whole bunch of people, are more likely to be in that position than the average person.

MarcieBluebell · 28/10/2018 23:21

To me it's very sad. I have had lots of partners and sex is a lot of fun plus with someone special you get intimacy.

It's a huge part of lust and love. So a huge thing to miss out on. Plus who doesn't want an orgasm!

SleightOfMind · 28/10/2018 23:24

I have two friends who are still virgins post 40.
One comes from a culture where casual sex is problematic for women. She’s very unhappy and her celibacy has been enforced rather than chosen.

The other is technically a virgin - she laughingly says this as she’s never had her vagina penetrated by a penis or penis substitute.
She’s very confident and has had a much more varied sex life than me.

There are also many people for whom sex is not a driver.
If they were lucky enough to grow up with strong boundaries, they will not have given in to societal pressure to have sex.

Unusual to be a virgin at 40 but only sad if not by choice.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/10/2018 23:29

Also, OP, is your friend bothered by the fact that she hasn't done any fucking, or is she more bothered by the fact that other people are bothered about her not having ever done fucking? If it's the former, then she might benefit from talking to a counsellor. If it's the latter, the best thing for her is learning to laugh at 'normal's when they start whining.

Birdie69 · 28/10/2018 23:32

I watched a tv interview with a woman in her mid-40s who had been a committed Christian all her life. She was very bitter that she had followed the chastity rules and had been reassured by her pastors that god would find her a mate and she just needed to wait for him. It had never happened and she felt that she would have been active in looking if she hadn't believed the church

I have a friend in her 60's who was a victim of this. Pastor kept telling her God was going to send her a good man, so she'd better stay pure for him. God didn't do it, so here she is, 60 year old virgin still waiting and believing. Without the pastor's "reassurances" she might have actively looked for happiness herself.

OrigamiZoo · 28/10/2018 23:35

Not, weird, or sad, just different.

Purpleartichoke · 28/10/2018 23:41

Unusual, yes.

Sad. Maybe a bit, but it depends on what the person wants. Finding that person worthy of physical intimacy is an amazing experience. I don’t take sexy lightly, but find it enormously satisfying both physically and emotionally. I’m happy it is something I have gotten to experience. I think it is the rare person who isn’t missing out on something by not experiencing it.

Skyecat · 29/10/2018 21:16

Two of my good friends are virgin. Both mid-30s, both want to find a boyfriend. Neither has ever dated anyone and as time goes by it seems to me like they have given up.

They both have low self esteem and they do feel they are missing out.

I think it's quite easy for life to slip by without finding a partner, especially if you are an introvert.

Skyecat · 29/10/2018 21:17

*virgins

Juicer54321 · 29/10/2018 21:35

I thought 1 in a hundred people are asexual. So that may explain it? In which case it’s a choice. It’s inly sad if she wishes she had been sexual active.

JustDanceAddict · 29/10/2018 22:00

I’d think it was unusual but I have a friend who I think is probably a virgin in her mid40s. As far as I know she’s had one sort-of boyfriend but idk if they had sex, I never met him. I would hazard a guess at no, but tbh she’s never had a long-term partner. She is quite frumpy-looking now (wasn’t always) so maybe she has given up. I know she likes men though and would like to meet someone but it didn’t happen and I can’t see it happening!

Original poster
Ubertasha2 · 30/10/2018 00:04

Just read through all the replies, and think it’s interesting that the general consensus is that it’s not sad to be a virgin, but possibly sad that the individual may not know what they’ve missed out on and could’ve been v happy/fulfilled with an intimate partner.

I still do not think it’s weird or unusual for anyone to be a virgin at any age though because like some pps, I agree that some people are asexual, disinterested in sex or merely introverted.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2018 00:13

People on MN think it's weird if other people can't drive or haven't been abroad. If you take all the weird religious and moral nonsense out of it, it is a bit like traveling abroad. Some people have no desire to do it. I think they're missing out because some of my best and happiest times have been abroad but it's their choice. Some people haven't had the chance to go abroad. Some people object to going abroad on moral grounds.

I LOVE travelling so I think it's odd and sad. But I accept it might just be me.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/10/2018 00:45

I know 2 ladies both in their 70s who are virgins. Neither of them are sad both have led happy lives, been very active aunties and godmothers.

missperegrinespeculiar · 30/10/2018 01:28

well, it is unusual, simply because the majority of people are not, something being unusual doesn't make it bad or sad (winning the lottery is unusual, too!), no point denying that

my only experience of this is one friend who is in her 50s and a virgin, and in her case it is sad, because she desperately wants a relationship but has not managed to successfully achieve that, not because of lack of interest, but because of her own fears

Graphista · 30/10/2018 01:50

In all honesty unless they were an actual nun who'd taken vows quite young or otherwise particularly religious, then yes in our culture I would think it unusual and that there's possibly a sad reason behind the fact.

Even in your op the reasons for it you consider possible are not exactly happy joyful ones.

Humans are sexual beings. It's unnatural particularly in childbearing years for women, for there to be no sexual interest whatsoever.

The very few people I've known who describe themselves as asexual have been survivors of quite extreme sexual trauma, it doesn't necessarily have to include penetrative rape.

Thumbwitches - even when sex before marriage was publicly frowned upon it was still very much happening - evidence in the many babies born out of wedlock, even if those pregnancies and births were concealed. Just a cursory amount of research into most family trees, watching shows like "who do you think you are?" Will show that!

"genital stuff that wasn't actual PIV" there's no indication the op only means piv sex.

IndigoSpritz · 30/10/2018 05:03

I can beat 40. I'm 47, always single, no dating or relationships and, needless to say, no sex ever. Completely pure. I've probably just been very unlucky. I'm male, by the way.

Bluntness100 · 30/10/2018 05:07

Why do you ask op?

Most of the reasons you give are sad. In the true sense of the word. Never finding a mate, being abused, having medical issues. None of this is a positive.