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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that’s it’s not weird or sad for a woman to be a 40 year old virgin?

138 replies

Ubertasha2 · 28/10/2018 22:00

Having a discussion about this and realise that all women have different experiences in life. I don’t think this is weird but some people think that a woman being a virgin at 40 is odd. Why?

  • the woman may not have found a mate either “worthy” enough or the “worthy” one may not like her in return
  • she may have medical issues
  • she may have no interest in sex (I know many people who feel this way!)
  • she may never have had a relationship and may not be the type to participate in casual sex/one night stand
  • she may have been a victim of some kind of abuse

Any thoughts, anyone?

I personally think that whether one has had 10, 20, 30 partners by 25 or 0 partners by 40 is neither here nor there, and only the individual’s business.

OP posts:
Sowhatifidosnore · 30/10/2018 18:15

It’s not my business. Yes I would think that unusual.

helpfulperson · 30/10/2018 18:24

I think it's far more common that most people realise. Certainly I know a handful of people like me that haven't had sex in 30 or so years

Lizzie48 · 30/10/2018 18:35

Oh, and just because a few people have said that they were taught at church that they should 'stay pure' and God would send them the right man. That makes me SO CROSS. There's no promise like that for any of us, and preachers/pastors shouldn't sell that kind of false assurance. I am happy to say I've never heard that in the churches I've been a member of, though I don't doubt there are plenty out there still teaching that.

I have to admit that I've actually never heard this taught by pastors in church, but it's a romantic myth that a lot of Christian women hold on to, sadly. What is taught is that Christian women shouldn't marry men who are not Christians.

And since in a lot of churches there are a lot of single women but very few single men, how can they be surprised that the women either marry men who don't go to church, have affairs with married men or just end up bitter and disillusioned?

Some women are happy to be single and work for Christian charities, but in my experience they're a minority.

Amazingtimes · 30/10/2018 18:37

I don't think it is as uncommon as people think. IMO it is only sad if the person has regret about it. It is no one else's business.

slashlover · 30/10/2018 18:40

homeishere

Why is it weird? Some people just aren't interested.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/10/2018 19:05

Now someone has said about not having sex for 30 years, I know/knew a lot of older people who were widowed for many years and never had another relationship. Not sure if that is more sad that they never felt that level of love and intimacy again, or whether its quite lovely that it was so good first time round they didnt want it again.

Lizzie48 · 30/10/2018 19:32

My DM is like that, @sweeneytoddsrazor she hasn't had a relationship since my F passed away 20 years ago. It isn't at all to do with it being lovely the first time round; on the contrary my F emotionally abused her and controlled her through all their married life and DSis and I suffered SA and EA at his hands. (We were all in denial about this in the past, but it's how it really was.)

No, the reason is that she likes her independence and doesn't want to end up being tied to another man. (She spends 3 months a year in Africa working for the Christian literacy charity she runs.) She has flirted with the idea of dating, but I think she doesn't really want the hassle.

My MIL has also been on her own since my FIL died in a car crash nearly 15 years ago. In her case, I think it really is a case of her marriage being so special to her that she isn't interested in finding anyone else.

Whatever the reasons, neither of them have married again and they're both in their late 70s now.

zucchinicourgette · 30/10/2018 19:35

4 out of the 5 possible reasons you give are sad (no interest in sex being the exception) so I think YABU.

Racecardriver · 30/10/2018 19:40

@DawnFrenchKiss well yes. Until after the sexual revolution it’s was the general assumption that any woman of that age who hadn’t married would be a virgin.

Racecardriver · 30/10/2018 19:40

I meant before. Brain dead.

shimmerer · 30/10/2018 20:12

34 years old and still a virgin. I don’t particularly feel as though I’ve missed out so far. Maybe it would have been fun to have casual sex, but I think the downsides would have been too intense for me. No religious reasons, but it feels spiritual to me - like I don’t want to share intimate parts of myself with someone that isn’t willing to give me full commitment and love.

I don’t intend to be one at 40 as I’m planning to get married. But if I’d never found someone to marry, I would have happily continued as I am. Also, I’m not naive about my body. I’ve understood my sexuality since I was a child, and have no hangups about it. It’s more that I don’t want to share it unless the person is special.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/10/2018 20:21

I'm very sorry for women who have not had sex because they were force-fed bullshit about some men's imaginary friend being obsessed with female 'purity'. Sex can be good, bad or indifferent. Unfortunately, for those women who grow up surrounded by woman-hating superstition, the sex they get when/if they get married is likely to be disappointing, because it will be all about procreation and 'magic' and will be mostly about the man getting his dick wet rather than enjoyment for the woman.

MudCity · 30/10/2018 20:41

I don’t find it weird or sad. The people I know who have remained virgins late in life are some of the most content, most fulfilled and interesting people I know. Of course, not everyone falls into this category but I often think, for some people, that not being in a relationship has made them spread their wings and lead varied and interesting lives because of the absence of ties. I certainly do not feel sad for them or judge them in any way. Their choices are no less valid than mine.

Lizzie48 · 30/10/2018 20:45

@zucchinicourgette

I'm not sure why you're saying the OP is YABU. It's sad, definitely, but that she's definitely right the the reasons she includes don't make someone odd.

Lizzie48 · 30/10/2018 20:52

Posted too soon! What I mean is that it's hardly surprising that someone who has been abused or has medical issues could be a virgin. It's to be expected, sadly. It's not 'odd', it's just the way our lives have turned out.

Although the terms required are 'celibate' or 'unable to do penetrative sex'. But that doesn't mean we're 'virgins' (I hate that word!).

Oblomov18 · 30/10/2018 20:54

I do think it's very unusual, sad and odd. Such a shame that she's missed out on so much.

Long term loving sexual relationships?

And this is coming from a person who valued their virginity highly, who choose not to sleep with anyone till I was at uni, because i never had a serious boyfriend when I was 16-18, but wanted one and didn't just want to lose my virginity casually to someone I wasn't going to see again.

I wonder what her reasoning is?

ForalltheSaints · 30/10/2018 21:11

Unusual perhaps, but not weird.

slashlover · 30/10/2018 21:14

Oblomov18

Thanks for calling me unusual, sad and odd. Not everyone wants a relationship.

Original poster
Ubertasha2 · 30/10/2018 21:26

@slashlover, you are not unusual, sad or odd. Not for this anyway! I think you sound pretty fucking fabulous and someone who is very sure of who they are and doesn’t feel the need to be a sheep in any way. Keep doing you. x

OP posts:
slashlover · 30/10/2018 21:35

@Ubertasha2 Thanks. I know who I am and I'm fine with it BUT when I was younger I wasn't. I did think there was something wrong with me and it worries me that someone else could read some of these comments and believe them.

I'm not celibate or repressed or shy or weird or anything else. Sex is important to some people and not to others. TBH it's not something I think about on a day to day basis.

Oblomov18 · 30/10/2018 22:04

Slash
many other posters have used each of those words, or all of them, or a combination,

So I don't see why you picked on me.

It saddens me.

slashlover · 30/10/2018 22:25

Some people have said it's unusual, which it is, but you have said sad and odd too.

I didn't pick on you. FFS!

BakedBeans47 · 30/10/2018 22:34

Whether it’s odd, weird or sad is a matter of opinion but why do you keep persisting it’s not unusual OP? It clearly is not the norm and therefore unusual for a 40 year old woman not to have had sex!

Oblomov18 · 30/10/2018 22:35

Many others posters used the words sad and odd too.

Original poster
Ubertasha2 · 30/10/2018 22:45

BakedBeans, I am the OP, and surely allowed to comment on posts I feel strongly about? I’ve only commented a few times tbh, and have just agreed with salient and relevant points made by posters who really know what they’re talking about.

With you, I’ve made an exception. HTH.

OP posts: