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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that’s it’s not weird or sad for a woman to be a 40 year old virgin?

138 replies

Ubertasha2 · 28/10/2018 22:00

Having a discussion about this and realise that all women have different experiences in life. I don’t think this is weird but some people think that a woman being a virgin at 40 is odd. Why?

  • the woman may not have found a mate either “worthy” enough or the “worthy” one may not like her in return
  • she may have medical issues
  • she may have no interest in sex (I know many people who feel this way!)
  • she may never have had a relationship and may not be the type to participate in casual sex/one night stand
  • she may have been a victim of some kind of abuse

Any thoughts, anyone?

I personally think that whether one has had 10, 20, 30 partners by 25 or 0 partners by 40 is neither here nor there, and only the individual’s business.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2018 05:51

I also echo what Reanimated said. I hate the patriarchal term virgin (chaste, pious woman). The opposite being fallen woman. Young people of both sexes are at times berated for being either by their peers or slightly older children.

No I don’t think it is weird for some people never to have had sex. Highly unusual for anyone, who isn’t asexual. Sad for those, who wish it were different.

Twirlbites1 · 30/10/2018 05:55

I watched a tv interview with a woman in her mid-40s who had been a committed Christian all her life. She was very bitter that she had followed the chastity rules and had been reassured by her pastors that god would find her a mate and she just needed to wait for him. It had never happened and she felt that she would have been active in looking if she hadn't believed the church

I’m mid 40s and certainly this was what I and my church friends were taught. If you have sex before you are married —or even think about masturbating— you will burn in the fires of hell forever. Lost virginity at 28, accidentally got pregnant out of wedlock (so my sins caught up with me) mid 30s, spent the first year of DDs life expecting to find her dead in her cot as punishment. The guilt of having out of wedlock sex is real. And I’ve heard it preached as recently as 2 years ago by a (married) minister in his 20s.

You need to wait for a good Christian male virgin, which is like waiting for rocking horse poo. I totally understand why anyone brought up in the church would feel sad and bitter but I think it’s much more complicated than just not having sex....it’s more about trying to find a Christian spouse, whereupon once you are married sex will follow.

I have a mid 40s Christian friend who has never had a bf (or sex). She is sad.

(Dd is 7- she didn’t die in her cot) I’m married to DDs dad and have had lots of therapy. It’s all good. I still go to church)

steff13 · 30/10/2018 05:56

I still do not think it’s weird or unusual for anyone to be a virgin at any age

I don't know that I'd use the word weird, but whether it's unusual isn't really a matter of opinion is it? It IS unusual for a 40 year old to be a virgin.

PirateWeasel · 30/10/2018 06:54

In modern secular culture it's unusual, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it at all. If it's by choice, all credit to them. Choosing to wait for the right person is lovely in my opinion. Although most of us end up kissing a few frogs before we get to the prince/princess! 😂

Keyra · 30/10/2018 07:26

It doesn’t seem to be as unusual as I thought judging by this thread - several posters have said they know of one or two people.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 30/10/2018 07:45

It's unusual. If it's what they want though, I don't think it's weird or negative. Person doesn't want to do thing so doesn't do it, shocker. We do live in a very sexualised culture, but I can see how that would turn some people off altogether.

NameChangedForObviousReasons2 · 30/10/2018 08:00

I am a 40 year old virgin. (I have NC for this, for obvious reasons).

I don’t think anyone knows in real life - I certainly haven’t told anyone.

There is no great secret, or sadness or religion behind it. In fact, I don’t know how I ended up in this situation.

Happy to answer any questions.

Lizzie48 · 30/10/2018 08:27

'But what makes you assume that anyone who has had sex at all, has experienced any of this?'

'If they haven’t, they have been doing it wrong, and with the wrong people.'

Or, in my case, they suffered childhood SA and sex is forever triggering. In my case, I'm married and fancy my DH, but can't face the act of sex. I have normal sexual desires and at one time used to be able to face having sex. But after we adopted our DDs, the previously repressed memories came flooding back and sex is now something I can't face.

My DSis hasn't been able to have penetration at all. Her children were conceived through artificial insemination despite being in a loving marriage.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/10/2018 12:32

"I am a 40 year old virgin. (I have NC for this, for obvious reasons).

I don’t think anyone knows in real life - I certainly haven’t told anyone."

It's likely that good friends have guessed though if you've never mentioned past casual encounters or past relationships.

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 30/10/2018 12:44

I know someone who died a virgin so to me it's not unusual. They had a very happy and fulfilled life, travelled a lot and was an independent person.

Lizzie48 · 30/10/2018 12:50

Supposedly Elizabeth I lived and died a virgin as well, she didn't do too badly with her life, did she?? Whether we believe her or not is, of course, another matter.

Sorry, I couldn't resist. 😂

Gwenhwyfar · 30/10/2018 12:51

"Supposedly Elizabeth I lived and died a virgin as well, she didn't do too badly with her life, did she?? "

No, in her time any unmarried virgin would in principle be considered a virgin.
In the film she's shown to have had a lover before becoming queen. I'm not sure how far that's based in history.

Lizzie48 · 30/10/2018 13:03

It's definitely historical that she flirted with male suiters when she became queen and that her stepmother's husband came on to her before she came to the throne. We don't know how far any of it went, we only know what we were told.

There was a lot of gossip at the time, that's certain.

slashlover · 30/10/2018 13:06

Completely pure.

I hate the term pure, (40 year old, asexual virgin here), it just makes my skin crawl. Not interested in sex at all, did have a boyfriend in the late 90s as a 'maybe I should give it a go' thing but didn't get beyond kissing as I wasn't too bothered.

My friends are mostly aware, although some obviously know more than others. I would say it's a much bigger thing to other people than it is to me. I accepted my asexuality years ago, wear my black ring and even have a couple of tattoos.

It is unusual because it's certainly not the norm but it's not weird or sad. Although I can sympathise with someone who does want sex/a relationship but for whom it has never happened for whatever reason.

Earlywalker · 30/10/2018 13:07

It’s their choice, there could be many reasons but yes I think it’s odd.

Racecardriver · 30/10/2018 13:08

Well it’s definitely unusual. But it was pretty common until very recently.

Tobythecat · 30/10/2018 13:35

Im 27, and a virgin. Ive never had a relationship and dont know if i ever will. It would be nice to have sex and a relationship but i wouldnt be able to be intimate with someone unless we had a strong connection and i knew them well. Being a really complex person, ive never found anyone who would be a good match and im not sure if i ever will. But i refuse to feel ashamed about it just because society says being a virgin at a certain age is odd. Fuck society and their silly rulesGrin

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 30/10/2018 14:02

I don't think it's weird, but agree it is unusual.

It is only sad if it isn't through choice.

ButchyRestingFace · 30/10/2018 14:06

It's certainly unusual, but only sad if it's something the woman wants but for whatever reason, hasn't been able to have.

But that could be said to be sat at any age (over the age of consent).

JungDisciple · 30/10/2018 16:32

Loads of people have had sex not love.
I feel a bit sad looking back over my past but hey ho.

Original poster
Ubertasha2 · 30/10/2018 17:03

@Twirlbites, I’m so sorry you felt like this. I hate certain aspect s of religion tbh, the ones that make us feel guilty, sad or trapped.

@NamechangeForObviousReasons2, I have re-read your post a few times now. Thanks for posting your real, honest, frank, brave comment. I hear you. x

OP posts:
DawnFrenchKiss · 30/10/2018 17:56

@Racecardriver common to be a virgin until 40 until recently? Eh?

bridgetreilly · 30/10/2018 18:08

44yr old virgin here. Neither weird nor sad. It's not all that common, I guess, though probably more common than some people think. For me it's sort of religious reasons - I wouldn't want to have sex if I weren't married to the other person, but also personal - I really don't want to be married. And not having sex is genuinely not that big a deal to me.

homeishere · 30/10/2018 18:10

Yeah, it is a bit weird.

bridgetreilly · 30/10/2018 18:14

Oh, and just because a few people have said that they were taught at church that they should 'stay pure' and God would send them the right man. That makes me SO CROSS. There's no promise like that for any of us, and preachers/pastors shouldn't sell that kind of false assurance. I am happy to say I've never heard that in the churches I've been a member of, though I don't doubt there are plenty out there still teaching that.