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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD why she didn't tell me ...

294 replies

bubblegirl67 · 23/10/2018 09:42

Posting here for traffic. DD 17 and I have a very close and what I thought was an open relationship and communicate well. She’s recently switched sixth form and started mixing with more boys which is to be expected and completely normal. She’s become very close to one boy, who I have met and given lifts to and from social gatherings etc. I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she’s always maintained they are best friends only. Its half term this week and I found out by chance that she’s had him round in the house whilst we have been at work without our knowledge and stayed for over two hours. I know this because neighbour asked me to check my cctv for a delivery which was supposed to have been made and wanted to know what time it was made(separate story) so hence why I was checking footage. Anyway, DD hasn’t told me he came over, and has been behaving quite furtively lately. I had asked her earlier what she did that afternoon and she said she was just watched films on her own so clearly didn’t share that he was here. To me that implies something fishy and perhaps al little fooling around going on?
I feel my trust has been broken; do I tell her I know that he was here and ask why she didn’t share with me? Or do I just make out I don’t know but keep close eye? Advice needed as I don't know what to do..

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 23/10/2018 09:46

She’s 17, leave her alone. If she thinks you’ve been spying on her then your relationship will be out of the window.

Nothisispatrick · 23/10/2018 09:47

She’s 17 ffs. Maybe she wants some privacy.

adaline · 23/10/2018 09:49

She's 17, she doesn't have to share everything with you! Let her have some privacy or she won't share anything at all.

RTFT · 23/10/2018 09:49

She's 17, she's allowed to have sex and she doesn't have to report back to mummy

CaraFara · 23/10/2018 09:50

Sounds like you're a bit over bearing so she feels she can't tell you as she wants something private.

laurG · 23/10/2018 09:50

I would leave it. She is a teenager. I certainly didn’t tell my mum everything at that age. I had a male friend (gay) who my parents hated as they thought their was something going on. There never was but I’d sneak him in just because I was sick of their suspicions.

Obviously it’s not nice being lied to but it’s not the worlds worse lie and she isn’t doing anything else wrong by the sounds of it. I’d just keep an eye on it.

PortiaCastis · 23/10/2018 09:51

She doesnt have to tell mummy her very personal info

MysteriousQuinn · 23/10/2018 09:51
Hmm
InDubiousBattle · 23/10/2018 09:52

Neither. You don't tell her you know and you don't keep a close eye either. She's 17 and is allowed a private life and indeed a love life if she chooses. Any kind of close relationship you have will be ruined. I think it's quite normal to have some secrets from your mum at this age and tbh having a male friend over to her home for 2 hours really isn't the worst of them!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 23/10/2018 09:53

YABVU. You can still be close without her sharing her most intimate moments with you.

cheesefield · 23/10/2018 09:53

Newsflash - she's 17. She probably doesn't want mum to know who she's shagging or when. Why would she?

Babycham1979 · 23/10/2018 09:54

Jesus Christ. No wonder she didn't tell you; she was probably dreading the neurotic response. She's a young woman and deserves some respect and privacy.

Hang on, you 'checked your CCTV'!?

Original poster
bubblegirl67 · 23/10/2018 09:55

Thank you! Maybe I am overreacting. It was just I felt we had an open relationship and shared everything but as pp's have said perhaps it's time to give her more space and privacy.

OP posts:
FingerLickingGod · 23/10/2018 09:56

Is this serious? Confused

She’s 17. Leave her alone.

MsOliphant · 23/10/2018 09:56

She has to ask mummy if she can have a friend over to play if she’s 7, but she doesn’t at 17. Stop spying.

Singlenotsingle · 23/10/2018 09:56

Hopefully you've had the talk to her about contraception, std's etc.?

pumpkinpie01 · 23/10/2018 09:57

Im sure she will tell you in her own time, dont push it then she wont trust you, maybe she is waiting until she is sure they are in a proper relationship then she will tell you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2018 09:57

Would you have minded if it was a female friend?

It's her home too.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 09:58

It does seem very suspicious that you happened to check the CCTV for the exact time he was over at the house. Hmm

I think you know that you need to leave her alone. She has not broken your trust she is 17 years old and of course she doesn't want to give her mum a step by step break down of what happened when he came over.

Villanellesproudmum · 23/10/2018 10:00

I read from your post it’s not the fact he comes around but she hasn’t told you and it’s a shift in your relationship and maybe a bit hurtful. She might be embarrassed, I’d just leave it and trust you’ve bought her up to be sensible.

InDubiousBattle · 23/10/2018 10:01

Neither. You don't tell her you know and you don't keep a close eye either. She's 17 and is allowed a private life and indeed a love life if she chooses. Any kind of close relationship you have will be ruined. I think it's quite normal to have some secrets from your mum at this age and tbh having a male friend over to her home for 2 hours really isn't the worst of them!

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 23/10/2018 10:01

hmmmmm.
I completely agree that at 17 she is entitled a private/sex life.
However I do not think that part of that is lying to you and it would bother me-not because I'd care if he is over-but I would care that she lied about it.
At that age sometimes it's hard to define a relationship and perhaps she is feeling unsure and unable to articulate/define what they are to each other and needs some time to explore.
Maybe just take a step back, give her some space and see how things unfold.

Lizzie48 · 23/10/2018 10:02

The only thing that I would be concerned about is, does she have an understanding of contraception and STDs? You've clearly had a close relationship with her, so hopefully you've talked about this.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 23/10/2018 10:02

You would be unreasonable to ask her what she didn’t tell you. You could let her know that you are aware that she has friends round to the house and that she doesn’t need to tell you and she also doesn’t need to feel she has to hide it from you.
I tell my dd that if she wants to have sex in our house, she’ll need to sneak her bf in while I’m out. He’s welcome here when I’m in too but, when I’m in, everyone’s clothes need to stay on.

MrsJayy · 23/10/2018 10:03

I am saying this with kindness and a bit of hindsight too she isn't your buddy she is your daughter nearly a grown up and wants a bit of privacy don't take it to much to heart.

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