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Original poster

To ask DD why she didn't tell me ...

294 replies

bubblegirl67 · 23/10/2018 09:42

Posting here for traffic. DD 17 and I have a very close and what I thought was an open relationship and communicate well. She’s recently switched sixth form and started mixing with more boys which is to be expected and completely normal. She’s become very close to one boy, who I have met and given lifts to and from social gatherings etc. I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she’s always maintained they are best friends only. Its half term this week and I found out by chance that she’s had him round in the house whilst we have been at work without our knowledge and stayed for over two hours. I know this because neighbour asked me to check my cctv for a delivery which was supposed to have been made and wanted to know what time it was made(separate story) so hence why I was checking footage. Anyway, DD hasn’t told me he came over, and has been behaving quite furtively lately. I had asked her earlier what she did that afternoon and she said she was just watched films on her own so clearly didn’t share that he was here. To me that implies something fishy and perhaps al little fooling around going on?
I feel my trust has been broken; do I tell her I know that he was here and ask why she didn’t share with me? Or do I just make out I don’t know but keep close eye? Advice needed as I don't know what to do..

OP posts:
Mamaryllis · 23/10/2018 15:31

Dd1 was 17 for the first six months at university. She’d had no boyfriend before that (we live in a very small town and the available pool is more of a puddle...) she told me at Christmas that she had started seeing someone. They hadn’t DTD and we had a chat about birth control (due to family history there are a couple of things she needed to discuss with the gp) and the right to say no even in a relationship. Quite what she is actually up to is her business, even at 17 - she’s a 6 hour drive away so I just have to hope that she’s mature enough to deal with it. She knows where I am if she wants to talk.
(I am lol at the poster who wants to meet the boy before anything happens - is dd supposed to say ‘sorry x - we aren’t allowed to date for six months until we can figure out you meeting my mum’?) Grin
She’s pretty sensible. We have to trust them and help them out IF they need it. I certainly didn’t share with my parents.!!!!!

Ignoramusgiganticus · 23/10/2018 15:38

My DS is 16, I expect any girl/boy who is going to come over to walk into my house say hello and for them to go and enjoy themselves. She will not be staying over and I expect him to have discretion when/if they have sex as there is a younger sibling in the home. Other than that let me know if someone is coming, as i'm happy to cook for more, order extra, it's just courtesy.

I think that many of us would agree with this as well - However in this situation if the ops dd knows she's going to get the spanish inquisition about the whys and wherefores of bringing a particular person home, then she's not likely to be quite so upfront is she? Respect goes two ways, so yes I agree with the above statement however the child shouldn't be given a cross examination.

They need to sit down together and reestablish boundaries on both parts so that the dd can be open but knows that she can have her privacy too and isn't expected to confess all.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 16:33

Because simply what many of you are describing is nothing like what I described. You are allowing people to come into your home, who you might or might not know. You don't know when they come or when they leave, because your children don't have to let you know they were there in the first place.

Where have I ever said any of the above?

What you describe is very like what other posters have described and your policy is no different to mine.

What posters have actually said is that they would not, as teenagers, necessarily have had to ask in advance and get permission for a friend to come back with them, nor would they expect that of their teens. Sometimes things can be off the cuff.

yikesanotherbooboo · 23/10/2018 16:59

I don't think there is any lack of respect shown by DD here. She invited a friend round . Do teenagers nowadays discuss their every move with their parents? They shouldn't. Choosing when and what information to share is part of growing up.This is nothing new. When I was a teenager and going out with boys I didn't introduce them to my parents until they were serious.i certainly wouldn't have welcomed any sort of inquisition.if you trust your daughter to make sensible choices and you have a strong relationship in which she would tell you if she gets into any sort of trouble then I would leave her to make her own friendships.

GnomeDePlume · 23/10/2018 17:27

Ignoramusgiganticus

Thank heavens, a calm post at last!

Exactly what is needed, a sensible, grown up conversation about house rules.

It should work both ways. While DC should aim to be honest, parents shouldnt pry. Both should treat each other with courtesy, does that stretch to knowing which friends are coming round when the other is out? Does the OP tell her DD that she has friends coming in for a couple of hours while DD is out?

DD's friend wasnt a total stranger to OP and she knew that this was a friend of her DD's. It should be made clear that visitors are the responsibility of the host whether OP's visitors or DD's visitors.

Faultymain5 · 23/10/2018 17:39

@TatianaLarina Because simply what many of you....
Up to you to decide where you fit in my description. If your rules are similar to mine, good on you. If they're not, good on you.

@Mamaryllis really? We're going to take my statement out of context to do what exactly? Get a cheap laugh. Okay then, whatever turns you on Hmm

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 17:52

If your rules are similar to mine, good on you. If they're not, good on you.

‘Good on you’ is quite a shift from ‘slack’...

bubbles108 · 23/10/2018 17:56

I completely understand @bubblegirl67

I felt the same when this happened with my daughter. It felt like such a huge shift from close mother/daughter bonds to me being left out of a new part of her world

I knew it was ME who was 'wrong' so I said nothing and things are easier and more close now.(not the same as they were back in the day, though)

I can remember how sad I felt that the closeness had disappeared

Silly eh 

Faultymain5 · 23/10/2018 18:28

@TatianaLarina I believe I said in my first post ...most of you all have what I would consider to be slack parenting styles. That's cool we're all different. No one style is right. Your way just wouldn't be my way and that's good.

So though I think it's slack, no one style is right.

"Good on you", "you do you" are all different ways of saying the same thing. No?

theonetowalkinthesun · 23/10/2018 18:46

A bit of sidenote, but I am also one who would have always asked a parent before I brought someone over, and would expect the same from my kids - it's just polite for me to know who's in the house!

corythatwas · 23/10/2018 19:02

Whether you allow your children to have sex in your house or not is a matter of individual choice. Ditto if you expect all adult or near-adult family members to inform each other every time they have a friend round.

But what I do think you have to accept, whatever your family rules, is that an open and close relationship with an adult (which is just round the corner) is going to look quite different from an open and close relationship with a child. That doesn't make it less valuable, just different.

LikeCherOnlyTiny · 23/10/2018 19:06

Bit difficult to hold forth on “trust broken” when you’ve been checking the CCTV. Whatever ostensible reason you give for the later.

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 20:12

I have only read the last couple of pages so haven't caught up on all the replies, but I think people are not understanding the distinction between a FRIEND ie a person of the same sex, and someone of the OPPOSITE SEX (gay friends excluded in this for brevity). I was allowed to bring friends over without asking, but if it was a BOY, that was different. There is a difference. I would certainly have been expected to ask permission if it was a boy and we were in a relationship.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 20:19

Good on you", "you do you" are all different ways of saying the same thing. No?

You’re ‘slack’ but that’s fine as ‘we’re all different’, is not the same as ‘good on you’, no.

cardibach · 23/10/2018 21:18

Salem I’m confused. You make a distinction between a FRIEND ie a person of the same sex, and someone of the OPPOSITE SEX
Do you have n9 friends of the opposite sex? Can you not 8mag8ne having one?
Really odd. I’ve always had a mixed friendship group. Some 9f my best friends are (gasp) male.

Godowneasy · 23/10/2018 21:53

I'm going to go completely against the grain here and say that I think it's entirely reasonable for you to ask her why she lied about someone coming to your home.
It's not about whether she has privacy or sex. It's your home too, and I think you're entitled to know who comes and goes. I'd also be upset that she lied to you about it. I'd call her out on the lie and explore why she felt the need to lie.
Whether they had sex or not is beside the point here, and I wouldn't expect her to tell you if she had. However, I would want to know if she was sexually active in general, so we could discuss suitable contraception and other related issues.
I often wonder whether those on here that are of the view ' they're 17, it's none of your business' actually have 17 year olds. I do think most 17 year olds still benefit from support and guidance from an interested parent.

abacucat · 23/10/2018 22:13

Most young people these days have friends of the same sex and opposite sex.

abacucat · 23/10/2018 22:14

God And if I was the OP's DD I would be asking why she is spying on me. The story about why she looked at the CCTV is obviously a lie.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 22:22

^However, I would want to know if she was sexually active in general, so we could discuss suitable contraception and other related issues.
I often wonder whether those on here that are of the view ' they're 17, it's none of your business' actually have 17 year olds. I do think most 17 year olds still benefit from support and guidance from an interested parent.^

My eldest isn’t 17 yet but I’ve been 17 and had no interest in guidance from my parents unless I asked for it. Nor did I have any desire to discuss contraception with them.

That kind of info really has to be earnt by parents. If you’re deemed trustworthy your children will confide in you, if not they won’t.

I would want to know if my children were sexually active and I hope I’ve established the kind of relationship that means that they would feel comfortable discussing it with me. But I know it’s not a given and they may choose to deal with it privately.

abacucat · 23/10/2018 22:26

Plenty of 17 year olds go to a nurse or GP for advice about contraception. And to be honest some parents do not know enough about the different options to give good advice.

Faultymain5 · 24/10/2018 00:05

@TatianaLarina You're trying real hard to say I said something different from what I said. Even after I help you out with bold script.

I believe only writing a partial sentence and putting in words, not in the original text means you'd go as far as lying to prove your point. Disingenuous behaviour coming from you. But, let's see if I can help one last time

...most of you all have what I would consider to be slack parenting styles. That's cool we're all different. No one style is right. Your way just wouldn't be my way and that's good. So the key part you appear to be missing is where I acknowledge. No one way of doing it is right. Now this means one way is not the only way and that it is good that we all find different ways we as individuals can cope with. Maybe you misinterpreted the last part about it being good that there are different ways to deal, maybe it didn't fit your narrative. who knows
Now I didn't think my sentences were so deep it needed a breakdown but when you go as far as to misquote me to suggest I'm now back-peddling, my instinctive retort is gtfoh. I stand firm in my position. Now move along.

Beeziekn33ze · 24/10/2018 00:49

I'm thinking DD is an only child.
OP says: 'I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she's always maintained they are best friends only.'
To me 'always' implies that OP has asked DD several times. This would make many 17 year olds determined to keep the development of any relationship to herself. She wouldn't want OP to know every detail, for OP to view the boy differently, or treat him differently.
Also OP assures us that she regards DD mixing with more boys as 'completely normal'. Well yes, it is so why bother to tell us that? Don't most mothers of 17 year olds accept that this usually happens at that age, or earlier. OP needs to take a big step back or her very close and open relationship with DD will be nothing of the kind. It already is far from open!

Thenewdoctor · 24/10/2018 06:53

I had a 17 year old. She shagged her boyfriend. If you haven’t talked to them enough about contraception that they know to get it sorted by the time they’re 17, it’s too late.

(She doubled up. That was my advice. She’s sensible)

TatianaLarina · 24/10/2018 08:44

You're trying real hard to say I said something different from what I said

Your words speak for themselves.You’re trying ‘real’ hard to backtrack. You were a dick, it’s fine let’s move on, no-one else cares but you.

Starleaf · 24/10/2018 09:12

I had a friend (now ex friend, earlier thread) who has two daughters, both older than 17.
They need to ask if a friend can visit, male or female. When they go out friend has to know where they're going, and what time they'll be back. She txt them to see what they're up to and if they don't reply she's not happy, and will tell them when they get home.
This has caused many a disagreement between them over the past few years.
This has led to them sometimes keeping things from their mother.
By the time I reached 15 I was given a fair amount of freedom by my parents, they trusted me, I gave them no reason not to. Our relationship was, and still is very good.
I had friends who unlike me were not trusted and given freedom. They regularly kept secrets/withheld truth from their parents. One of these friends went NC with her mother for years as a result.