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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DD why she didn't tell me ...

294 replies

bubblegirl67 · 23/10/2018 09:42

Posting here for traffic. DD 17 and I have a very close and what I thought was an open relationship and communicate well. She’s recently switched sixth form and started mixing with more boys which is to be expected and completely normal. She’s become very close to one boy, who I have met and given lifts to and from social gatherings etc. I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she’s always maintained they are best friends only. Its half term this week and I found out by chance that she’s had him round in the house whilst we have been at work without our knowledge and stayed for over two hours. I know this because neighbour asked me to check my cctv for a delivery which was supposed to have been made and wanted to know what time it was made(separate story) so hence why I was checking footage. Anyway, DD hasn’t told me he came over, and has been behaving quite furtively lately. I had asked her earlier what she did that afternoon and she said she was just watched films on her own so clearly didn’t share that he was here. To me that implies something fishy and perhaps al little fooling around going on?
I feel my trust has been broken; do I tell her I know that he was here and ask why she didn’t share with me? Or do I just make out I don’t know but keep close eye? Advice needed as I don't know what to do..

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 11:33

I don’t agree with treating teenagers as if they’re sexually incontinents who cannot be trusted to be alone without ill-advised sexuals.

If that’s how the OP thinks I can understand why DD was circumspect.

shearwater · 23/10/2018 11:33

I don't think it's overly nosy to want to know whether she has a boyfriend and whether they are having sex, and to have a say as to whether that happens in your house! She is still a minor and living in your home. You weren't prying or being nosy, OP, and you found out by accident.

I'd just have a calm chat with her, you aren't annoyed but just to see if she is ok. As a parent, as that's what parent do. You aren't best mates having a house share, you are her mum and she still needs you.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 11:33

What did you do today?’ ‘I watched movies on my own’ is a bare faced lie & I would tell her I know he came over and not to lie to me and treat me like an idiot

Why?
You don’t have the right to full disclosure, it’s not a given that you be made aware of all details of your daughter life. And nor does it render a parent idiotic that they don’t know all details

My family, my dp don’t get full disclosure and nor do they expect it. No way I tell my dp everything

It’s permissible to have boundaries & be circumspect with some information

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 11:34

No, 90s. I am surprised you think it is normal that a teenage girl is bringing a boy over for hours while her mum is at work? Wtf? Is this actually normal thinking these days?

I would say until she pays rent, then she has to tell me if she has boys over. That is the respectful thing to do.

Then again, apparently respecting your parents and their house and boundaries is no longer in style. Confused

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 23/10/2018 11:34

She's 17 and entitled to a private life, although I can see why you're puzzled- if you're ok with the possibility of a BF and sex, why hide him? I would just maintain silence but keep an eye out that she's ok.

Suggests to me that they're more "friends being curious" than a couple though, if they're sneaking around and she insists he's just a mate. I told my mum about my boyfriends but not FWBs at that age and uni, and we are close.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 11:35

If the op is not lying about the cctv check...then I think she is getting a bit of a hard time on here.

Of course she is lying about the CCTV, who askes their neighbours to check that? She also obviously used the CCTV to snoop further once she knew he was at the house as she knew he'd been there for over 2 hours.

Her daughter is 17 she doesn't need to tell her mum if a friend came over during the day regardless of whether it was innocent or if they were up to more than watching a film. The crux of the matter is she only knows her daughter was not alone because she spied on her.

She is obviously annoyed at the perceived deceit of her daughter lying about having him over. So much so that she is thinking of confronting her daughter or spying on her more in the future to check if he is coming over.

The Ops daughter is not lying by not admitting everything about her life to her mother, some things can remain unsaid that's called having a personal life. Not sharing every aspect of your life with someone is pretty normal behaviour, expecting your 17 year old daughter to tell you ever part of their lives and thinking they are breaking your trust when this does not happen is not normal.

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 11:36

@ThunderInMyHeart Apparently we are the odd ones out and it is acceptable to bring a boy home and have sex and lie to the home owners, your parents about it. smdh

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 11:36

I am surprised you think it is normal that a teenage girl is bringing a boy over for hours while her mum is at work? Wtf? Is this actually normal thinking these days?

It was normal in the 80s when I was a teenager. You talk about respect, but why would any child respect parents with that attitude? How about respecting your kids?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 11:37

Does paying rent mean a caravan of men can come calling?
does high rent mean one can have many men,is there a direct relationship between cost and consumption?
Does paying no rent mean one must be chaste. No rent, no action

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 11:38

Apparently we are the odd ones out and it is acceptable to bring a boy home and have sex and lie to the home owners, your parents about it.

How do you know they had sex?

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 11:38

@TatianaLarina Not where I lived, it wasn't. Given the lack of respect you had for your parents, I am glad I didn't live where you lived. Confused

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 11:39

Ha - you can't respect a liar.

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 11:39

@LipstickHandbagCoffee If you are contributing to the household costs, then you get more of a say. That I would have thought, makes sense.

Escolar · 23/10/2018 11:40

Where do you expect teens to have sex then, if they can’t do it at home? In a car, in the toilet at a party? That’s much worse!

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 11:40

it is acceptable to bring a boy home and have sex and lie to the home owners

How the heck do you possibly know she had sex and so what if she did, this is a 17 year old we are discussing. She invited a friend over to her home what happened is none of the OPs business. I bet the OP wouldn't even have given it a second thought if it was a girl who had come to the house even if her daughter and this girl were having a relationship, but because it is a boy then it must be that they are having sex they cannot possibly just be mates. Hmm

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 11:41

@TatianaLarina Of course we don't know they had sex (although interestingly, everyone on here immediately jumped to that conclusion via saying she is entitled to a private sex life), though it would be less likely DD would be so secretive and lie about it if it was innocent.

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 11:42

You don’t have the right to full disclosure [...] My family, my dp don’t get full disclosure and nor do they expect it. No way I tell my dp everything

The first half of this: everyone, EVERYONE, child or parent, has the right to the truth. This isn't about disclosure; it's about the kid lying.

The second half: apples and oranges. You don't answer to your DP because he is your partner...you are not responsible for him.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 11:43

So paying rent equals parental permission to get jiggy?
I’m laughing at that logic...

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 11:43

Well, yes, we don't know whether she had sex, but...nobody lies about things that are uncontroversial or could be seen as naughty.

sourpatchkid · 23/10/2018 11:43

@bubblegirl67 - I'm very very close to my mum, always had an open relationship but I didn't tell her when I started having sex (he was a friend not a boyfriend) it's no reflection on your relationship. 

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 11:44

Given the lack of respect you had for your parents, I am glad I didn't live where you lived.

Some backwater?

You’ve no idea what respect I had for my parents, nor what I got up to as a teenager.

My parents had enough respect for me that I had male and female friends round as a teenager, and my boyfriend, - and wasn’t treated as a sex offence suspect.

shearwater · 23/10/2018 11:44

Not sharing every aspect of your life with someone is pretty normal behaviour, expecting your 17 year old daughter to tell you ever part of their lives and thinking they are breaking your trust when this does not happen is not normal.

Sure, but an out and out lie about who has been in the house and when is breaking trust. When you live alone you can invite anyone over when you like, and you certainly don't have to tell your parents. When you live with your parents and are not yet an adult, it's different.

My parents live with us and I'm 43, and it's my house. I'd still tell them who had been in the house and when.

As I said, it's time for a heart to heart chat, not going ballistic, but 17 year olds still need parents to be parents, not cool best mate housemates.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 11:45

everyone, EVERYONE, child or parent, has the right to the truth. This isn't about disclosure; it's about the kid lying.

Firstly no one is entitled to know the truth of something which does not concern them what a bloody stupid thing to say.

Secondly this is not a kid she is a 17 year old.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 11:46

Well, yes, we don't know whether she had sex, but...nobody lies about things that are uncontroversial or could be seen as naughty.

Of course they do.

If she fancies him and he doesn’t fancy her she may not want to talk about it. They may fancy each other and she feels shy and protective and not want to tell her mum yet. Or they may have kissed etc and not had sex yet.

All of this is perfectly fine to not want to discuss with her mum and avoid any prying questions by circumspection.

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 11:48

But, it DOES concern the OP...it's HER house!

Only on MN is it that anyone over 16 is a fully-fledged functioning member of society. I call BS.

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