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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DD why she didn't tell me ...

294 replies

bubblegirl67 · 23/10/2018 09:42

Posting here for traffic. DD 17 and I have a very close and what I thought was an open relationship and communicate well. She’s recently switched sixth form and started mixing with more boys which is to be expected and completely normal. She’s become very close to one boy, who I have met and given lifts to and from social gatherings etc. I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she’s always maintained they are best friends only. Its half term this week and I found out by chance that she’s had him round in the house whilst we have been at work without our knowledge and stayed for over two hours. I know this because neighbour asked me to check my cctv for a delivery which was supposed to have been made and wanted to know what time it was made(separate story) so hence why I was checking footage. Anyway, DD hasn’t told me he came over, and has been behaving quite furtively lately. I had asked her earlier what she did that afternoon and she said she was just watched films on her own so clearly didn’t share that he was here. To me that implies something fishy and perhaps al little fooling around going on?
I feel my trust has been broken; do I tell her I know that he was here and ask why she didn’t share with me? Or do I just make out I don’t know but keep close eye? Advice needed as I don't know what to do..

OP posts:
Faultymain5 · 24/10/2018 09:32

@TatianaLarina

Yes, you're right and people with sense can see that without a breakdown, but even with a complete breakdown you can't. Doesn't fit your agenda clearly. Like I said I stand with my original comment. Name-calling usually means you've lost the argument. Winning! Go girl!Biscuit

Dungeondragon15 · 24/10/2018 10:18

So the key part you appear to be missing is where I acknowledge. No one way of doing it is right.

You stated that no one way is right but at the same time you referred to "slack parents" which suggests that you don't think "no one way is right" at all!

Dungeondragon15 · 24/10/2018 10:26

I often wonder whether those on here that are of the view ' they're 17, it's none of your business' actually have 17 year olds. I do think most 17 year olds still benefit from support and guidance from an interested parent.

I have an 18 year old and they certainly do need support and guidance. However, that doesn't involve spying on them or insisting on knowing whether they are in a sexual relationship.The argument that parents need to know this in order to discuss contraception is pretty poor as this should be discussed before they a in a relationship and certainly before they are 17.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 24/10/2018 10:45

Advice and guidance yes, but not control.

Faultymain5 · 24/10/2018 10:49

@Dungeondragon15 Never called anyone slack. Said I would call it slack parenting but we're all different and that is good. So as a parent lots of people allow things I never would and I'm sure I let things slide that others wouldn't. Doesn't mean we're all wrong and all right. Not sure why you don't understand that. Is the term slack what you consider offensive maybe?

Easygoing, laidback, soft, slack in terms of parenting to my mind their all the same.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/10/2018 12:13

Never called anyone slack. Said I would call it slack parenting but we're all different and that is good.

What do you think slack means? I think it means lazy. If you say that something is "lazy parenting" you can't then say that you didn't call anyone a lazy parent!

Dungeondragon15 · 24/10/2018 12:16

Easygoing, laidback, soft, slack in terms of parenting to my mind their all the same.

I don't think that slack is the same as "easy going" at all. If you meant that you should have said that instead of using a word which in many contexts means lazy or even negligent.

Thisreallyisafarce · 24/10/2018 12:29

I'm with the minority here. It's her parents' decision, ultimately, who comes to the house. She should not be lying about it.

RavenLG · 24/10/2018 13:23

I think my parents always went above and beyond with welcoming people into our home, and would never have even batted an eye about me bringing home people without asking them. I'm so thankful for that. Hell, they even let my boyfriend live with us for 6ish months when we were 17 /18 (he lived with his aunt at she got evicted, only told him 8pm the night before it was happening so if they didn't he would have been on the street).

Faultymain5 · 24/10/2018 14:25

didn't know I needed to consult your thesaurus before I could post. I'll bear that in mind.

TatianaLarina · 24/10/2018 14:42

Any old dictionary would do.

cuntbridge · 24/10/2018 14:43

She probably didn't tell you because you're a nosey cow

Doje · 24/10/2018 15:01

I would be sad she lied OP, and would want to know who she was bringing into our home.

Thinking about it, I'm 38 and I would still ask my mum if I wanted to take someone into her house. She wouldn't say no, but imo it's respectful to ask.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/10/2018 15:23

didn't know I needed to consult your thesaurus before I could post. I'll bear that in mind.

You don't have to consult a thesaurus. You just have to know the meaning of the words that you use.

Menolly · 24/10/2018 15:24

The lying would annoy me, but my mum used to ask if boys were just friends and it made me not share anything with her so when my much, much younger sister came to live with me when she was a teenager our deal was she could always talk to me and would never lie to me but that I would try not to pry unnecessarily. So in this situation I would expect her to say 'so and so came round' rather than lie about being alone but she would expect me to keep my nose out and not ask her if so and so was her boyfriend.

However, I would want to know if she was sexually active in general, so we could discuss suitable contraception and other related issues I sat down and told sis that I didn't need to know if she was sexually active or not but I did need to know she knew how to be safe, she said it was a really embarrassing conversation, I pointed out it was a lot less embarrassing than calling a guy she really likes to tell them she's given them something, she said 'fair point' and we had the conversation about being safe and the only reason to have sex should be because you want to and how you shouldn't do anything you don't both enjoy. I have never needed to know if she was having sex or not.

Faultymain5 · 25/10/2018 10:28

@TatianaLaurina @Dungeondragon15
I thought just leave it, these people have so much more knowledge than me and I've obviously insulted them, on a post that wasn't even theirs. I thought just leave it. But no. That's not my nature unfortunately.

"Any" dictionary will do so you say, and so it did.

I too found negligent and lazy as a synonym for slack, but amazingly I also found flexible, easygoing, casual. I'm sure you'll still find something negative in that, but just because your frequent usage of a word means something to you doesn't mean you have all the knowledge of someone's else's meaning especially when they have made it clear to you what they meant. I'm sure you'll say something like common usage to back yourselves up. But you asked me to use the dictionary definition and I did (and apparently was all along).

TatianaLarina · 25/10/2018 12:34

Words mean different things in different contexts, no shit.

Slack rope implies loose rope.
Cut him some slack implies make allowances.
Business is slack implies trade is quiet.

But slack accounting indicates lazy or negligent accounting.
Slack parenting indicates lazy or negligent or ineffective parenting.

It’s a phrase used often enough in contemporary culture for you to grasp the negative implication.

The word comes from the Latin laxus meaning loose via the old English meaning lazy or unhurried.

All of which is beside the point as I’m sure you know full well what slack parenting implies. It’s part of your backtracking to now claim you don’t know what words mean and you meant something different from what you said.

AnotherEmma · 25/10/2018 13:14

Interesting debate.

In general I think lying is wrong, but when I was a teenager, I sometimes felt that I had to lie to my mum. She didn’t respect boundaries (she found and read my diary once Angry), she was strict and hated it when I brought a friend home without permission or warning - her reaction made me feel so awkward that I think I only did it the once!

I did actually invite a boy over when she was out at work and I lied to her about it, and I must have been 16 or 17. But I would have liked to have the kind of mother who would have been ok with it and I would have felt able to do it without lying.

As for he OP, I don’t know whether she is like my mum or not. I’m not going to answer this as if she is because that would be projection. She might be, she might not be. But if she is like my mother, she’s unlikely to admit it Grin

FieryGhoulie · 25/10/2018 13:17

I'd have to ask, but I'm nosey and they know it, they wouldn't expect anything less!

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