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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD why she didn't tell me ...

294 replies

bubblegirl67 · 23/10/2018 09:42

Posting here for traffic. DD 17 and I have a very close and what I thought was an open relationship and communicate well. She’s recently switched sixth form and started mixing with more boys which is to be expected and completely normal. She’s become very close to one boy, who I have met and given lifts to and from social gatherings etc. I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she’s always maintained they are best friends only. Its half term this week and I found out by chance that she’s had him round in the house whilst we have been at work without our knowledge and stayed for over two hours. I know this because neighbour asked me to check my cctv for a delivery which was supposed to have been made and wanted to know what time it was made(separate story) so hence why I was checking footage. Anyway, DD hasn’t told me he came over, and has been behaving quite furtively lately. I had asked her earlier what she did that afternoon and she said she was just watched films on her own so clearly didn’t share that he was here. To me that implies something fishy and perhaps al little fooling around going on?
I feel my trust has been broken; do I tell her I know that he was here and ask why she didn’t share with me? Or do I just make out I don’t know but keep close eye? Advice needed as I don't know what to do..

OP posts:
jomaIone · 23/10/2018 10:03

Would you share with her when you have sex?! Unlikely. Let her be. If you have a close, open relationship then she will speak to you if she needs you but she does need some privacy and freedom!

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 10:07

does she have an understanding of contraception and STDs?

She is 17 I am sure she is more than aware of how to protect herself from catching an STD and how to use a condom. She is probably already on some form of birth control and if not I am sure she can research the options independently.

Hogtini · 23/10/2018 10:07

No wonder she doesn't tell you everything..

ApolloandDaphne · 23/10/2018 10:08

Leave her be. She will tell you if anything is going on between them when the time is right for her. She has a right to some privacy.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 10:14

I don’t believe the neighbour CCTV story, it’s very obvious you we’re checking up on her specifically.

I’m not sure how not telling you something that is none of your business constitutes broken trust.

If she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing something with you that’s entirely up to her. Perhaps if you weren’t so full on she might.

Dungeondragon15 · 23/10/2018 10:16

She wants privacy as do most people. Your excuse that you needed to look at the CCTV for a neighbour sounds unlikely. Don't speak to her as she will realise how nosy you are and be even more secretive.

VictoriaBun · 23/10/2018 10:18

Do you tell her if you have had sex ? As an adult do you expect her to tell you ? Or how about he came over, they had a coffee and a catch up, and then he left. Would that still be a problem if it were a female friend ?

Ellisandra · 23/10/2018 10:22

You just sound pissed off that you’ve discovered you’re wrong about having a “tell each other everything” type relationship.

I expect she feels the pressure that she’s expected to do that - so telling you something simple like “he came over” would descend into you wanting far more from her. She needs a private life!

Ellisandra · 23/10/2018 10:22

Also: chinny reckon to the timing of the CCTV check!

BlueBug45 · 23/10/2018 10:22

Just a tip if you pry she will stop telling you things. If you leave her be she will probably start telling you too much.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2018 10:32

Your trust has been been broken? Fgs. Just because you're her mother does not mean you are entitled to know about every aspect of her life. Make an issue of this and she won't be telling you anything, ever.

sirfredfredgeorge · 23/10/2018 10:37

You have cctv that you use to spy on your daughter...

Kitty1184 · 23/10/2018 10:44

She's 17. My mum was the last person I wanted to speak to about anything at that age!

Fundays12 · 23/10/2018 10:44

I think your maybe a little to overbearing for your daughter at times. She is an adult now give her some privacy. You may want to share everything but she may not.

FrogsAreMean · 23/10/2018 10:44

Why do posters have to be so condescending and mean to the OP when responding to her post?

Can't you just answer in a normal kind way and be less judgemental?

OP - I know it seems hurtful to you at the moment but your daughter is just growing up and being a normal 17 year old girl who wants to keep some things private.

I am sure you have done a wonderful job with her so far and if you give her some space and just reassure her that you are there if she needs to talk, she will eventually start sharing things with you again, but only the things she feels she wants to, not every detail, and you will be thankful for that I am sure. Good luck.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 23/10/2018 11:08

It's hard if you feel she's shared everything up until now, but she's is 17 and she needs some privacy, don't take it to heart.

I have two 17 year old DDs and they tell me very little which upsets me sometimes but we have to accept they're breaking away from us, growing up. I certainly didn't share much with my mum at that age, thinking about it!

I'm sure if it was anything important that was bothering her than she would tell you.

namechange7362528494 · 23/10/2018 11:09

She's 17. Give the poor girl some privacy. No wonder she didn't tell you.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 11:19

No parent should expect a full disclosure relationship with their teenager
Privacy,testing boundaries,not always seeking parental approval are part of growing up

ICantFindAFreeNickName2 · 23/10/2018 11:22

If the op is not lying about the cctv check (it would be totally out of order if she was spying on her dd), then I think she is getting a bit of a hard time on here.
She never said that she would not be happy about the boy coming over, she is just upset that her dd lied about it. My dd is younger but she has a best friend who happens to be a boy. He often comes over to hang out, watch movies etc., the same as her other friends do. Sometimes we might be at home and other times we might be out, its not a problem either way. What would be a problem is if my dd lied to me about who had been over. I would be hurt by that and wonder why she felt the need to lie.

Escolar · 23/10/2018 11:22

OP, I was (and am) very close to my wonderful mother, but I did not tell her when I started having sex.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 11:26

People lie routinely and casually loads it isn’t necessarily an indicator something is wrong
And it doesn’t mean relationship is impaired. It depends on the kid,on the context

I would be hurt by that and wonder why she felt the need to lie..probably because she’s correctly assessed her mum is overly nosy

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/10/2018 11:28

I agree that at 17 she doesn’t need to tell the OP that she’s having sex with him if she doesn’t want to, however, I still won’t be taken for an idiot or tolerate lying.

‘What did you do today?’ ‘I watched movies on my own’ is a bare faced lie & I would tell her I know he came over and not to lie to me and treat me like an idiot.

...but then I’m not one to hit the roof if there’s a boy there when I’m not at home or to ask for all the details...so maybe kids tell lies when they feel they don’t have any choice? I’d hate that FAR more than not feeling ‘we are so close she tells me everything’, I’m happy just knowing, they know, I’m there and won’t hit the roof about anything they TELL me.

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 11:29

I'm surprised by most of these posts. Sure, she might be 17, but it's her parents house. And many parents don't approve of boys over when they are not there. Hence 'my house, my rules'. She's still a child should not be bringing boys over without permission. At least that was the general thought when I was a teen. Shrugs.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 11:30

She's still a child should not be bringing boys over without permission. At least that was the general thought when I was a teen. Shrugs

Wtaf? Was this in the 1850s?

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 11:32

I'm going against the grain here, but...no way would that shit have flown in my house growing up.

It's your roof and you get a sole right as to who's in it. I'd be pissed off someone was in my house and that info was deliberately kept from me. My parents also would have gone mental had they found out I had sex, at 17, in their house.

I'd speak to her, calmly and gently, and say that your rules are XYZ e.g. I expect not to be lied to, I want to know who's in my house, and (if applicable), the rules of this house are that you don't have sex in it...

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