Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD why she didn't tell me ...

294 replies

bubblegirl67 · 23/10/2018 09:42

Posting here for traffic. DD 17 and I have a very close and what I thought was an open relationship and communicate well. She’s recently switched sixth form and started mixing with more boys which is to be expected and completely normal. She’s become very close to one boy, who I have met and given lifts to and from social gatherings etc. I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she’s always maintained they are best friends only. Its half term this week and I found out by chance that she’s had him round in the house whilst we have been at work without our knowledge and stayed for over two hours. I know this because neighbour asked me to check my cctv for a delivery which was supposed to have been made and wanted to know what time it was made(separate story) so hence why I was checking footage. Anyway, DD hasn’t told me he came over, and has been behaving quite furtively lately. I had asked her earlier what she did that afternoon and she said she was just watched films on her own so clearly didn’t share that he was here. To me that implies something fishy and perhaps al little fooling around going on?
I feel my trust has been broken; do I tell her I know that he was here and ask why she didn’t share with me? Or do I just make out I don’t know but keep close eye? Advice needed as I don't know what to do..

OP posts:
shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 23/10/2018 12:18

Salem - what is 'disturbed and amoral' about 17 year old having sex? (assuming that's what they were doing, which obviously none of us know)

At what age / circumstances does sex between consenting adults become acceptable in your opinion?

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 12:18

Lol, talk about not being bright. Clearly if you cannot see that the posters were posting from the point of view that she had sex. You're either a troll, and playing dumb, or you are very very dense to not see that.

callmeadoctor · 23/10/2018 12:18
WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/10/2018 12:19

Yes, and you know what? That's fine. If I have something I don't want to tell you, I'm not suddenly obliged to tell you everything just because you're lucky enough to pick the right question to ask.

You're someone who lacks integrity, then.

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 12:19

@shaggedthruahedgebackwards Sigh. It is NOT that she is having sex. It is NOT that she has a right to a private life. It is that she is sneaking boys into her parents house and having sex. That is the issue.

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/10/2018 12:20

Secondary school teacher here. If I had a penny for everytime a parent who told me they had a close relationship with their teen telling them everything, while teen and I know that's bollox, I'd be rich.

Parents have no idea what their teens don't tell them. They're teenagers, manipulating the truth is part of the growing up process. Even unnecessary lies and misdirection are to be expected.

CantWaitToRetire · 23/10/2018 12:21

It's quite possible OP that this boy and your DD are just friends and nothing more. No one should jump to assumptions that they're having sex just because he was in the house. Maybe they get on really well and like to hang out, but she doesn't want to tell you in case you make other assumptions and start asking personal questions. And no, I'm not being naive. I have two DDs myself (17 and 19) so been there, done that. I've learned that teens don't necessarily like labelling themselves bf and gf when they're just mates or in the very early stages of a relationship. It could be that this will develop into a romance, if it hasn't already, but she needs her space to be with him without getting questions or comments that could be embarrassing. Take a step back, stop watching the CCTV, and when she's ready she'll share more with you.

MephistophelesApprentice · 23/10/2018 12:21

She is bringing a friend into her home for her own private reasons.

All of which is entirely legitimate.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 12:21

You're someone who lacks integrity, then.

Its not about lacking integrity, its about being able to keep some things private when you don't want others to know. Would you say the same of a woman who was newly pregnant? If asked outright if she was expecting she said no. Is her desire to keep some things private because she has personal reasons for not sharing them when asked more or less important that your right to know? Would you say she lacked integrity?

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 12:22

shagged - for me it was once I was at university that I was allowed to have my bf stay over in my room.

OP, to answer your AIBU - no, YANBU to ask her why she told you X when you know why Y happened.

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 12:23

@HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone We are talking about a child here, still living at home, you know, in her parents house. Not a pregnant grown woman living on her own. As many parents I know say, 'if they want to have sex fine just not in my house'.

cardibach · 23/10/2018 12:23

Salem she is not sneaking boys into her parents house and having sex
She brought one boy round for a couple of hours and for reasons we aren’t sure about didn’t tell her mum. Like other posters I doubt she used the phrase ‘on my own’ as it sounds an odd thing to say. I think mum extrapolted that from the fact her DD didn’t mention bringing someone round.
I also really dislike this idea that not telling someone every detail means you ‘lack integrity’ and that it is wrong for young adults to treat their home as their home.

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 12:23

*in my bedroom at my parents house (during university holidays)

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/10/2018 12:23

We all have a right to keep certain things to ourselves. It doesn't make you a lier just because you don't want to share every detail of your existence with everyone who asks.

Um, no - you're a liar if and when you tell lies. That's the literal definition of the word. I don't think there's a pick and mix of deception you can choose from - "Oh, I only had a couple of fibs, I'm still an honest person..."

BigFatLiar · 23/10/2018 12:24

May not be having sex, could be sneaking him in to do some weed or coke.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 23/10/2018 12:25

Salem
Sigh. But it's not a 'private life' if you can't conduct it without prior approval from your Mother and without disclosing all details after the event when asked. That's anything but private.

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 12:26

@shaggedthruahedgebackwards It isn't when she is a child living at home, true.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 12:26

We are talking about a child here, still living at home, you know, in her parents house. Not a pregnant grown woman living on her own. As many parents I know say, 'if they want to have sex fine just not in my house'.

Once again she is not a child she is a 17 year old. Secondly would your not under my roof rule work if she was still living with the OP when she was 24 as so many adults are these days due to increased housing costs? What about if she had a marriage breakdown and moved home in her 30's could she not have sex there if she started dating again?

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 12:27

I also really dislike this idea that not telling someone every detail means you ‘lack integrity’ - no, you lack integrity when you bare-face LIE by saying 'I was alone' vs 'I had someone over'.

That's not 'you don't want to share every detail of your existence with everyone who asks', that's actually active deception.

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 12:29

I'm sorry, but, to me, 17 is a child - she can't buy cigarettes, buy alcohol, vote!

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 12:31

Clearly if you cannot see that the posters were posting from the point of view that she had sex.

You haven’t understood those posts, nor have you understood mine.

I repeat they were posting from the POV that if they had had sex that was ok. No-one here has claimed they had sex for sure as they actually don’t know.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 23/10/2018 12:31

There are times when I'd love to know exactly what my dc are thinking and doing but I respect their right to not tell their old mum everything. I wouldn't have at that age.

myrtleWilson · 23/10/2018 12:31

Blimey - the 17year old girl is now sneaking multiple boys into the house according to Salam By the time this thread finishes Salam will have her running her own brothel Hmm

GnomeDePlume · 23/10/2018 12:32

The fundamental questions are:

How much truth is the OP entitled to?
How much privacy is her DD entitled to?

This is a balancing act at whatever age DCs are at. When younger the balance tips more towards the right to truth. When older the balance tips more to the right to privacy.

It sounds to me that the OP needs to sit down with her DD and establish some more grown up ground rules. This can cover things like visitors, meal times, going out, staying out. These ground rules should cover both rights and responsibilities. These ground rules should go both ways. It isnt just about what DD is or isnt allowed to do.

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 12:33

@Ignoramusgiganticus - interesting. Genuine q - I totally get your sentiment, but what if you knew your child had lied to you? Not just 'didn't tell you something' but actually deliberately lied?