To ask DD why she didn't tell me ...

[bubblegirl67]

Posting here for traffic. DD 17 and I have a very close and what I thought was an open relationship and communicate well. She’s recently switched sixth form and started mixing with more boys which is to be expected and completely normal. She’s become very close to one boy, who I have met and given lifts to and from social gatherings etc. I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she’s always maintained they are best friends only. Its half term this week and I found out by chance that she’s had him round in the house whilst we have been at work without our knowledge and stayed for over two hours. I know this because neighbour asked me to check my cctv for a delivery which was supposed to have been made and wanted to know what time it was made(separate story) so hence why I was checking footage. Anyway, DD hasn’t told me he came over, and has been behaving quite furtively lately. I had asked her earlier what she did that afternoon and she said she was just watched films on her own so clearly didn’t share that he was here. To me that implies something fishy and perhaps al little fooling around going on?
I feel my trust has been broken; do I tell her I know that he was here and ask why she didn’t share with me? Or do I just make out I don’t know but keep close eye? Advice needed as I don't know what to do..

Of course we don't know they had sex (although interestingly, everyone on here immediately jumped to that conclusion via saying she is entitled to a private sex life)

What posters have said is that DD has the right to a private life. They haven’t jumped to the conclusion they had sex, no-one knows.

Private life may include sex it may not.

@LipstickHandbagCoffee I think you are being silly. It makes sense that if you don't contribute to the rent/mortgage that you at least owe the owners (your parent/s) honesty and respect. Your attitude is very disturbing.

Only on MN is it that anyone over 16 is a fully-fledged functioning member of society. I call BS.

Some 16 year olds have left school, left home, are out working, have a kid etc.

nobody lies about things that are uncontroversial or could be seen as naughty
Actually people lie very frequently and not always about naughty or controversial things

Ok people seem very het up on the fact she 'lied' I somehow doubt he exact turn of phrase was I watched films on my own, no on speaks like that.

Imagine if she had said she watched films with a friend this is what would have most likely happened:

DD- I watched films with a mate for a few hours.
OP - Which mate
DD - Just a mate
OP - Who was it and why didn't you tell me they were coming over.
DD - It wasn't planned they just had a few free hours so we hung out.
OP - You still haven't told me who it is why wont you tell me?
DD - shrug e were just watching a film.
OP - who is it, who was here I'll check the CCTV to find out...

On and on and on until the daughter tells her who it was and then the OP berates her for breaking her trust, having sex etc and the poor girl never has him over again.

Yes, some - the overwhelming majority haven't.

My feeling is, if you are one of those "we're so close, we tell each other everything" type mothers, she may feel she can't talk to you about her new friendship/relationship because you will want to talk about it non-stop and to know all the details because you are so close and tell each other everything. Maybe she's having feelings she's never had before that she doesn't want to share or have a big discussion about. Maybe she wants to keep it between the two of them, which is entirely normal.

The 'we tell each other everything' attitude is ok when your children are younger and 'everything' is about friendships, periods, schoolwork, crushes etc. but expecting that to continue into adult relationships is unrealistic. I'm sure you are a great mum and have a lovely relationship with your daughter but she needs space and privacy and not sharing everything with you isn't a bad thing.

What is disturbing is a couple of posters jetting in from the 19c with screwed up attitudes...

I'm flabbergasted that some people think that while living in someone else's house, even if you're an adult, the home owner has a divine right to know exactly what you are doing at all times if it occurs under your roof.

If there was some suspicion of illegal activity or that the OP's DD was being exploited or abused then I could understand the OP wanting to know what's going on so she can support her DD but that obviously isn't the case.

Having a friend visit for a couple of hours is not something that needs to be disclosed to anyone. It's noone else's business

Well, if such posters are in the plural, such posters can't be all that unusual in their thinking, can they? So how disturbed is it?

Accept other people have different views...it's literally the whole point of MN.

I would hope that any of my family would tell me if a non family member came into the house. It is after all my property (and child does not pay rent I guess?)

Just a matter of courtesy!

Well, if such posters are in the plural, such posters can't be all that unusual in their thinking, can they? So how disturbed is it?

All of two.

The rest of the thread is broadly in agreement that DD has the right to a private life.

I think it's weird that the DD lied to her mum. It's not like she was doing anything wrong/illegal/strange/in need of concealment by just having her friend over - so why would she feel she had to lie?

It suggests that she felt she was doing something her parents wouldn't approve of.

I would hope that any of my family would tell me if a non family member came into the house. It is after all my property

Why? Genuinely why would you need to know if a friend came over for a few hours? Unless you suspected them of being up to no good e.g. drugs or stealing your thing why would it matter if your child had a ate over during the day and didn't tell you? It may be your house but it is their home too.

Great that there's broad agreement. Doesn't mean the dissenters are disturbed.

For the record, I was 17 in 2004...and the OP's daughter's behaviour would have had me in for a bollocking.

No, my parents didn't cause me to have therapy. Yes, I have a very good relationship with them.

End scene.

Also, Tatiana, it's more than 2 posters. They just aren't shouting as loudly.

It suggests that she felt she was doing something her parents wouldn't approve of.

Or that she couldn't be arsed with having a Spanish inquisition about why he was at the house and whether they were in a relationship.

"What posters have said is that DD has the right to a private life. They haven’t jumped to the conclusion they had sex, no-one knows." Tatiana, all these posts to the contrary.

RTFT Tue 23-Oct-18 09:49:28
She's 17, she's allowed to have sex and she doesn't have to report back to mummy

cheesefield Tue 23-Oct-18 09:53:56
Newsflash - she's 17. She probably doesn't want mum to know who she's shagging or when. Why would she?

Singlenotsingle Tue 23-Oct-18 09:56:51
Hopefully you've had the talk to her about contraception, std's etc.?

nDubiousBattle Tue 23-Oct-18 10:01:30
Neither. You don't tell her you know and you don't keep a close eye either. She's 17 and is allowed a private life and indeed a love life if she chooses.

mumsiedarlingrevolta Tue 23-Oct-18 10:01:59
hmmmmm.
I completely agree that at 17 she is entitled a private/sex life.

Lizzie48 Tue 23-Oct-18 10:02:08
The only thing that I would be concerned about is, does she have an understanding of contraception and STDs?

GetOffTheTableMabel Tue 23-Oct-18 10:02:52
You would be unreasonable to ask her what she didn’t tell you. You could let her know that you are aware that she has friends round to the house and that she doesn’t need to tell you and she also doesn’t need to feel she has to hide it from you.
I tell my dd that if she wants to have sex in our house, she’ll need to sneak her bf in while I’m out. He’s welcome here when I’m in too but, when I’m in, everyone’s clothes need to stay on.

jomaIone Tue 23-Oct-18 10:03:41
Would you share with her when you have sex?! Unlikely. Let her be.

VictoriaBun Tue 23-Oct-18 10:18:46
Do you tell her if you have had sex ?

Escolar Tue 23-Oct-18 11:22:33
OP, I was (and am) very close to my wonderful mother, but I did not tell her when I started having sex.

AnnieAnoniMouse Tue 23-Oct-18 11:28:43
I agree that at 17 she doesn’t need to tell the OP that she’s having sex with him if she doesn’t want to, however, I still won’t be taken for an idiot or tolerate lying.

why would it matter if your child had a [m]ate over during the day and didn't tell you

I'd say the point is not that the DD didn't mention it. It's that her mum asked her a direct question and the DD lied to her face.

Hyperbole, much? How can you assume it would have been the Spanish Inquisition? It could easily have gone:

OP: what did you do today?
DD: Had a friend round.
OP: oh, ok. What did you do?
DD: Watched Netflix.
OP: Ok, what do you want for dinner?

But, no. Everything on MN is a massive fucking drama and witch hunt.

You sound like you're trying to convince us that checking out cctv is a normal thing. What a coincidence that you just happened to find your dd's friend came over. You are very controlling.

it suggests that she felt she was doing something her parents wouldn't approve of.

Or she feels it’s something she wants to keep private at least for the time being.

If the OP is the type that wants DD to ‘share’ everything - DD may not actually not want to share this stuff. It’s new territory for her. She may want to protect herself from OP asking details not because OP doesn’t approve but simply she doesn’t feel comfortable with it.

I would hope that any of my family would tell me if a non family member came into the house. It is after all my property (and child does not pay rent I guess?)

It's your child's property as well. If you have that attitude that it's not their property as well then you shouldn't have kids.

Golly yes I would expect to be told if a stranger (or a friend, doesn't really matter) came into the house. (For one thing Id want to tidy up if it was messy!!!!