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Original poster

To ask DD why she didn't tell me ...

294 replies

bubblegirl67 · 23/10/2018 09:42

Posting here for traffic. DD 17 and I have a very close and what I thought was an open relationship and communicate well. She’s recently switched sixth form and started mixing with more boys which is to be expected and completely normal. She’s become very close to one boy, who I have met and given lifts to and from social gatherings etc. I did ask her if it was more than a friendship and she’s always maintained they are best friends only. Its half term this week and I found out by chance that she’s had him round in the house whilst we have been at work without our knowledge and stayed for over two hours. I know this because neighbour asked me to check my cctv for a delivery which was supposed to have been made and wanted to know what time it was made(separate story) so hence why I was checking footage. Anyway, DD hasn’t told me he came over, and has been behaving quite furtively lately. I had asked her earlier what she did that afternoon and she said she was just watched films on her own so clearly didn’t share that he was here. To me that implies something fishy and perhaps al little fooling around going on?
I feel my trust has been broken; do I tell her I know that he was here and ask why she didn’t share with me? Or do I just make out I don’t know but keep close eye? Advice needed as I don't know what to do..

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 12:04

But, no. Everything on MN is a massive fucking drama and witch hunt.

The fact the op said it has broken her trust that she had a friend over and didn't tell her because they tell each other everything doesn't suggest it would have been a rational conversation.

It's that her mum asked her a direct question and the DD lied to her face.

Again I am sceptical I have never heard anyone respond to the question what did you do today with I watched film on my own. The daughter knew her mum thought she was alone so why would she add that last part to the sentence?

callmeadoctor · 23/10/2018 12:05

Im sorry but I don't agree that its my childs property!

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 23/10/2018 12:06

The DD is 17

If she felt that answering the question was likely to result in an intrusive line of questioning from her Mother then I can't blaming her for telling a white lie

Withholding information that you feel is noone else's business but your own is hardly akin to 'telling lies'. It's common sense

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 12:06

TatianaLarina We are not saying she does not have a right to a private life, but common sense, respect, courtesy and decency says that she shouldn't be having a boy over within asking her parents first. At least in the world where I was brought up in, and not dragged up in.

callmeadoctor · 23/10/2018 12:06

And seriously laughing at being told that I shouldn't have kids! Bit of an over reaction I would say Grin

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 12:06

Tatiana, all these posts to the contrary.

Nope. Not one single one claimed that DD had sex.

They are simply saying that she has the right to a private life and if/when she does have sex it’s none of OP’s business.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 12:07

Im sorry but I don't agree that its my childs property!

What a very odd way of thinking. So the property is yours and yours alone so you are the only one who gets to let people come over and you get to make all the rules? That sounds more like a dictatorship than a family. It is your child's home, they shouldn't feel like they always need permission to do things in their own home.

callmeadoctor · 23/10/2018 12:07

Now if I was a druggie/alcoholic I could see were you are coming from Grin

callmeadoctor · 23/10/2018 12:08

Absolutely Heads Grin

callmeadoctor · 23/10/2018 12:08

My house, my rules Grin

Porlock · 23/10/2018 12:09

I'd say the point is not that the DD didn't mention it. It's that her mum asked her a direct question and the DD lied to her face.

Yes, and you know what? That's fine. If I have something I don't want to tell you, I'm not suddenly obliged to tell you everything just because you're lucky enough to pick the right question to ask. If DD doesn't want OP to know she had a boy over, you don't get to say "It's fine to keep this from OP - unless OP asks outright if you had someone over, at which point you must not keep it from her"

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 12:09

At least in the world where I was brought up in, and not dragged up in.

You have no idea where or how I was brought up.

Are you really of the view that as I was allowed boys in my house I was ‘dragged up’?

If so you’re even pottier than you first appeared.

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 12:10

If the child's name isn't on the deeds or rental agreement, then it isn't legally their property. They live there, true. But they don't own it.

ThunderInMyHeart · 23/10/2018 12:11

Well, that's this thread done. Officially gone nuts.

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 12:12

"Nope. Not one single one claimed that DD had sex."

Re-read those posts. They were written as if the DD had sex. If you don't see that, you are weirder and more absent-minded than you seemed at the start.

fizzthecat1 · 23/10/2018 12:12

My house, my rules Grin

You don't need a cringy grin emoji at the end of every sentance. And it's her house as well.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 23/10/2018 12:13

Exactly Porlock

Its like replying "I'm fine" when someone asks you how you are, even if actually you're not fine at all. We all have a right to keep certain things to ourselves. It doesn't make you a lier just because you don't want to share every detail of your existence with everyone who asks.

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 12:14

If you really are of the view that it is ok for a girl to have a boy over/have sex in her parents house, then yes, that does point to not just a very disturbed and amoral outlook, but also to a lack of parental values. It is just not morally right by normal people's standards.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 23/10/2018 12:14

If the child's name isn't on the deeds or rental agreement, then it isn't legally their property. They live there, true. But they don't own it.

Nobody is claiming the OPs daughter owns the bloody house. We are merely pointing out it is still her home regardless of who owns it, she still lives there and calls it home. She should feel comfortable being there and not expect at 17 years old to have to ask for permission to have a friend over.

Horrordoeurvres · 23/10/2018 12:14

Jesus Christ she's 17 years old, leave her alone.

callmeadoctor · 23/10/2018 12:15

Grin never realised that it was a cringe emoji! I will try this one Wine (and actually I was trying to bring a little bit of light heartedness to this thread)

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 12:16

Re-read those posts. They were written as if the DD had sex. If you don't see that, you are weirder and more absent-minded than you seemed at the start.

Look, you’re clearly not very bright, I accept that. Those posts are not saying that DD definitely had sex because, as I said, no-one knows.

They are written from the POV that if she were in a sexual relationship with this boy and they had had sex, that’s ok. Right?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 23/10/2018 12:16

If my parents had been spying on me with CCTV, I'd have moved right out!

EdisonLightBulb · 23/10/2018 12:17

I am very close to my DD, but don't forget she is just that, your daughter and not your best friend.

TheWiseWomansFear · 23/10/2018 12:18

I don't think it's got very much to do with you tbh, you sound over involved and a little silly.