To find DH’s friend manipulative

[arsectomy]

Just for context: DH is from Milan. He’s immensely proud of his roots and patriotic, often homesick and considers himself a massive foodie/culture vulture.

DH and I have three children under three and the youngest is six weeks old.

DH has a friend who has never really acknowledged me or the DC. Preferred to see DH on his own, doesn’t ask about us etc. He’s married with DC himself but apparently doesn’t mention his wife or children much either.

It’s his 40th birthday this weekend. It's my birthday too but not my 40th. The friend a few months ago tried to organise a weekend away with DH and some of their mutual friends in Edinburgh, celebrating his 40th.

DH originally told him he couldn’t attend due to it being my birthday and the fact we’ll still be adjusting to being a family of five and he can’t leave me alone yet.

Despite this DH’s friend has repeatedly tried to get him to go, right up until last week, saying things like he’ll only be 40 once and (they all went to uni in Edinburgh) it’ll be a reminder of the good old days. All which DH replied sorry but no.

Suddenly this week, guess where the celebratory weekend has relocated to? Milan! DH’s friend said he decided he’d like to go abroad and it’a a complete coincidence he chose Milan. He is now on wats app with DH constantly asking where shall we go? What shall we eat? What shall we see? What does this word mean? He’s also feigning complete incompetence, falling into deliberate tourist traps (IMO) to get DH to desperately put him back on the right track. DH has fallen into the trap and willingly spent his days recommending, suggesting, calling around and booking things for them all.

The result, which i’m Sure is the result his friend wanted, is that DH has inadvertently organised his ideal weekend in his home town, only he’s not going to be on it. The idea of his friends enjoying a weekend in his home city without him is more than DH can resist and today he asked me if he can go and can we celebrate my birthday when he gets back.

I said - hold up! Can’t you see what your friend has done here? DH said no he’s always wanted to go and his friend figured the hotel prices in Edinburgh were so expensive that they might as well go abroad if they’re going to spend that money.

AIBU or is DH’s friend manipulative?

YANBU!

I don’t really get it OP.

So he was going to Edinburgh, then helped to organise the Milan weekend...and wants to go to Milan with his mates instead of Edinburgh?

DH originally told him he couldn’t attend due to it being my birthday and the fact we’ll still be adjusting to being a family of five and he can’t leave me alone yet

YANBU, ask him what's changed.

So he was going to Edinburgh, then helped to organise the Milan weekend...and wants to go to Milan with his mates instead of Edinburgh?

OPs partner was never going to Edinburgh he has said no to going.

Well if your DH wasn’t going anyway then what’s the issue with the mate choosing to celebrate his birthday in Milan?

Ooh sneaky bugger, YANBU!

Ah right, I get it, sorry. Now DH is really tempted by Milan.

All the reasons for your DH to stay with the family remain in place!

The friend is doing his darnedest to persuade your DH to leave you alone with all the young children on your birthday. What kind of an individual does that?

@MsOliphant the friend has done it on purpose to get the DH to go. He knows he won’t be able to resist going ‘home’.

@MsOliphant OPs DH wasn't going to go to the Edinburgh trip, saying it was because of OPs birthday and adjusting to the new baby.
But he is now wanting to go to the Milan trip. OP is wondering if the friend changed the plans on purpose.

I'd be pissed with DH tbh OP!

Oh wow. Totally manipulated.

Oops cross post

Because it’s obvious to me his friend wanted DH to go along so much, despite DH saying no repeatedly, that he went to the lengths of reorganising the celebration in DH’s much prized and missed home/birth city, ostensibly without him, to manipulate him into going.

We live in London by the way.

Sneaky, friend sounds selfish. I hope you don’t get left alone on your birthday with 3 tiny kids 💐. I can see why your DH really wants to go now as well though. How shit!

Sneaky, deliberately going to Milan as he knows your child cannot resist going. No op DH was not going to Edinburgh to celebrate friend's birthday, as it was also ops, and they just had a child, controls sneaky friend this,cwho tried to talk him round with no joy. Then he changed tack.

DH not child, doh.

I don’t really get your dislike of this friend- it’s not unusual for men and women to have adult friendships that don’t focus on each other’s kids or respective spouses. And it sounds perfectly plausible that the first choose of Edinburgh may have been too expensive and that Milan was a natural second choice if your DH is frequently banging on about how great it is! Your issue should be with your DH, you agreed to spend your birthday together and that it was too much for you to look after 3 under 3 but now he wants to back pedal because he’s had a better offer. Direct your annoyance where it belongs!

Oh dear!
Well dh’s friend is a right manipulative sneak isn’t he?
I can understand how DH got sucked in to it all tho as it’s his home town etc.
Chances are DH always wanted to go, as he said, but it’s all become a little too tempting now.
I’m trying to imagine how I would feel in the same circumstances, my DH has a similar friend, but over the years he has been let down by this ‘friend ‘ and seen through him.
I don’t think YABU at all but you need to decide whether you give him your blessing to go.

DH has asked me to “sleep on it.” FFS. He’s being so manipulated.

Friend has also organised to stay in the area where DH grew up. DH cannot believe the “serendipitous coincidences”

DH says he feels it’s the universe telling him he needs to go home for a bit.

FFS feel like ripping both of them a new one

His friend is a shit! My dh would not go as he likes to be attached to his tackle.. With children the age of yours is he at least trying to organise some help to make it workable?
It isn't really about your birthday, its about being a supportive partner and parent!
Hope he chooses wisely.

Plant the seed....

head tilt< (soothing voice) oh DH, friend really has you wrapped round his finger doesn't he, I never had you down for being gullible

Nothing has changed in your circumstances. You have a very young baby, and other children, so unfortunately he can't go off for a weekend at this time. He would likely come back more tired than he left and it just isn't helpful to your family at the moment. Plus, it's your birthday.

I would also be annoyed if the organisation had taken up a lot of DH time. Try not to get angry about what the friend does, or may or may not have planned, you have no control over the friend at all, and to speculate on his motivations could be seen as a bit irrational. But you have every right to have an opinion on DH's behaviour, and to request he focuses on his family at this time.

Trouble is I can just see you coming off as the bad guy in all this.
I’d be tempted to calmly say something like
“Well, I’ve slept on it. I feel very strongly that you have been manipulated into this, but, you obviously don’t feel like that and you clearly want to go. This is your choice. Forget my birthday, I will not be celebrating it after the event, after all you can’t ignore the universe “
He will go.

Universe my arse!

Friend has been totally manipulative.

Tell him to open his freaking eyes! How stupid is your oh?
Of course his mate is doing it deliberately to tempt him away from you on your birthday because he is a selfish git who thinks everyone should dance to his tune.

Tell your dp if he falls for this glaringly obvious trap he is thick as mince.

If he goes tell him to.bloody stay there till.he finds his own identity and not be a lapdog for his friend.