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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH’s friend manipulative

196 replies

arsectomy · 22/10/2018 21:56

Just for context: DH is from Milan. He’s immensely proud of his roots and patriotic, often homesick and considers himself a massive foodie/culture vulture.

DH and I have three children under three and the youngest is six weeks old.

DH has a friend who has never really acknowledged me or the DC. Preferred to see DH on his own, doesn’t ask about us etc. He’s married with DC himself but apparently doesn’t mention his wife or children much either.

It’s his 40th birthday this weekend. It's my birthday too but not my 40th. The friend a few months ago tried to organise a weekend away with DH and some of their mutual friends in Edinburgh, celebrating his 40th.

DH originally told him he couldn’t attend due to it being my birthday and the fact we’ll still be adjusting to being a family of five and he can’t leave me alone yet.

Despite this DH’s friend has repeatedly tried to get him to go, right up until last week, saying things like he’ll only be 40 once and (they all went to uni in Edinburgh) it’ll be a reminder of the good old days. All which DH replied sorry but no.

Suddenly this week, guess where the celebratory weekend has relocated to? Milan! DH’s friend said he decided he’d like to go abroad and it’a a complete coincidence he chose Milan. He is now on wats app with DH constantly asking where shall we go? What shall we eat? What shall we see? What does this word mean? He’s also feigning complete incompetence, falling into deliberate tourist traps (IMO) to get DH to desperately put him back on the right track. DH has fallen into the trap and willingly spent his days recommending, suggesting, calling around and booking things for them all.

The result, which i’m Sure is the result his friend wanted, is that DH has inadvertently organised his ideal weekend in his home town, only he’s not going to be on it. The idea of his friends enjoying a weekend in his home city without him is more than DH can resist and today he asked me if he can go and can we celebrate my birthday when he gets back. Angry

I said - hold up! Can’t you see what your friend has done here? DH said no he’s always wanted to go and his friend figured the hotel prices in Edinburgh were so expensive that they might as well go abroad if they’re going to spend that money. Hmm

AIBU or is DH’s friend manipulative?

OP posts:
AutumnEvenings · 22/10/2018 22:45

When our children were very young our budget would not have ever have stretched to weekends away for either of us.

If the really money is there to pay for it without massive debts on credit cards, then sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Tell DH you will arrange a similar trip away for yourself with friends and he can stay at home to look after the kids.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 22/10/2018 22:46

I would tell my husband like actual fuck would he be doing this, manipulation or otherwise. Three under three? He could go, but he wouldn’t have a wife or home when he got back!

arethereanyleftatall · 22/10/2018 22:46

If I had three under three, what I might really want for my birthday is a bit of peace and quiet. Or just with newborn.
Compromise - he can go, but takes either eldest two or all three with him. He stays with his family. He dips in and out of 40ty celebrations with his family babysitting.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2018 22:49

He could go, but he wouldn’t have a wife or home when he got back

Ah, and I'm sure he'd have believed you too. Like we do.

catmum94 · 22/10/2018 22:49

I would leave the stuff about his friend manipulating him because unfortunately I don't think you'll win! It's very hard to convince people they're being manipulated especially by a friend.

What I would do is say look, my birthday aside I really don't feel ready to have all three young kids on my own yet so would you consider missing this one then as soon as our youngest is a bit older we'll all go out together and introduce the baby to your family and friends back home?

Jent13c · 22/10/2018 22:51

Go with him, he spends the day with you seeing some sights and entertaining the kids then he gets his lads night out for friend's birthday. Obviously he doesn't get to lie in with a hangover the next day though as there are kids to entertain. Friend would HATE that.

The 'Edinburgh hotels are very expensive, more cost effective to go to Milan' line is crap though. Hotels are similar prices to other cities.

Skittlesandbeer · 22/10/2018 22:53

I’d be VERY interested to see some of these bookings your DH has made over the last months/weeks. If he’s included himself in the numbers ‘just in case’, I’d be ropable.

By the way, if he does go, make sure his whole family know he’ll be there. Exactly where, at all times. If they’re anything like my Milanese family, he’ll be lucky to fit in a round of drinks without being sucked into the family-obligation vortex! And if your in-laws are decent people, they won’t be very impressed with his leaving you alone on your birthday with the kiddos. Not the done thing. See if you can manage a tearful Skype call with Nonna. He’ll never hear the end of it.

MsOliphant · 22/10/2018 22:58

OP should drag 3 under threes on a flight to a city several hundred miles away on HER birthday to make a point?!

That would be absolutely ridiculous for all involved.

Returnofthesmileybar · 22/10/2018 23:02

Sneaky bastard! I would say
"Right well nothing has changed, it's still my birthday and we still are adjusting to a newborn BUT I get you would like to go home so I've looked it up and there's cheap flights in January, ta da, problem solved, now what shall we do as a family of five for my birthday? Shall we go out for an Italian for lunch perhaps?"

Charolais · 22/10/2018 23:08

It sounds like your husband's friend is in love with him.

I'd tell your husband that when he goes back to Milan you want to do it as a family. Your children are half Italian after all.

Keep your eye on that friend of his.

Iflyaway · 22/10/2018 23:13

As they say on MN, you have a husband problem.

Who would leave his wife on their birthday with 3 young kids, 1 a 6-week-old baby?!
For a lads' weekend?! 😮

Labradoodliedoodoo · 22/10/2018 23:19

I think it’s a good compromise actually. He gets to see his friend but will only be away from you a couple of short days rather then an entire weekend. Can you invite some of your mates round to celebrate your birthday?

Onynx · 22/10/2018 23:20

See the evil in me would text the friend thanking him for suggesting Milan for your joint birthdays & saying how much you are looking forward to it. Ask him to check does the restaurant have high chairs 😂😂 He won't be long easing the pressure off your DH...

PersonaNonGarter · 22/10/2018 23:23

Say no. Milan will still be there. Your DH is needed at home. Or he can take the two eldest.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 22/10/2018 23:23

Or could he drop your eldest two with his parents and you can have a friend stay.

Jux · 22/10/2018 23:24

What Return said. Or, your whole family of 5 could go to Milan to celebrate your birthday. You know their itinerary so can do the same things if their dh's perfect plan, just do them at different times and stay in a better hotel.

lboogy · 22/10/2018 23:25

So what if the friend has no interest in you? You're not his friend and he doesn't have to like you. You and DH are two separate people.

I have no interest in my Dh's friends neither do I need one. I have my own friends

As for the trip, why don't you want your DH to go? Bring a dad doesn't mean he can't have fun. Can't you get your mum/friend to stay with you while he goes on holiday?

I presume at some point you'll want to go out without the kids and your DH will be required to care for the kids?

I personally think it's important to not let your whole life /fun stop because you've had kids

Ringbinger · 22/10/2018 23:34

Playing devil’s advocate - are you absolutely sure it’s your DH’s friend who’s being manipulative, and not your DH? Because frankly it sounds more plausible to me that he’d say “mate, if you make it my hometown I’ll tell the missus that you need me to help you organise it and that it’s a good chance for me to go home”, than the idea a grown married man would be so manipulative to try so hard to get his married male friend with kids to come. I’d seriously consider whether your DH is feeding you some lines and making his (willing) friend the scapegoat, and you’re falling for it.

callmeadoctor · 22/10/2018 23:38

Ringbinger, I think you are spot on!

AutumnEvenings · 22/10/2018 23:43

"at some point you'll want to go out without the kids and your DH will be required to care for the kids?"

If this is ever likely to happen, get it in gold plated letters now.

Unicyclethief · 22/10/2018 23:45

Yeah, another one who thinks your DH has played a much larger part in this.

Olderbyaminute · 22/10/2018 23:46

OP your husband is a naive idiot and his friend is a real mf

ShadowHuntress · 22/10/2018 23:49

Exactly what Ringbinger said. Your dh has a much bigger part in this than he’s letting on. He’s probably the one who suggested Edinburgh is expensive so how about going somewhere in Europe which will cost roughly the same. I doh t very much that this man is so desperate for your dh to come, he would move the location to your dh’s home town. That’s just too weird

BewareOfDragons · 22/10/2018 23:51

His friend sounds very manipulative ... and his sheer determination to manipulate your DH into going on this trip also makes me wonder if he's bi or secretly gay, tbh.

It's just, off. He's married, but doesn't talk about his family. He never inquires about your DH's family (you or the DCs). You have 3 children, including a 6WEEK old baby, and he's playing this incredible game to get your husband to leave you and come out to play with him, essentially ...

I would be furious.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 22/10/2018 23:52

Stand firm op and say you can’t cope without DH at home. Being there with you on your birthday and a tiny baby is more important than DHs friends 40th. The answer has to be no and if your DH sulks or keeps asking it would make me question how much he values the marriage.