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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH’s friend manipulative

196 replies

arsectomy · 22/10/2018 21:56

Just for context: DH is from Milan. He’s immensely proud of his roots and patriotic, often homesick and considers himself a massive foodie/culture vulture.

DH and I have three children under three and the youngest is six weeks old.

DH has a friend who has never really acknowledged me or the DC. Preferred to see DH on his own, doesn’t ask about us etc. He’s married with DC himself but apparently doesn’t mention his wife or children much either.

It’s his 40th birthday this weekend. It's my birthday too but not my 40th. The friend a few months ago tried to organise a weekend away with DH and some of their mutual friends in Edinburgh, celebrating his 40th.

DH originally told him he couldn’t attend due to it being my birthday and the fact we’ll still be adjusting to being a family of five and he can’t leave me alone yet.

Despite this DH’s friend has repeatedly tried to get him to go, right up until last week, saying things like he’ll only be 40 once and (they all went to uni in Edinburgh) it’ll be a reminder of the good old days. All which DH replied sorry but no.

Suddenly this week, guess where the celebratory weekend has relocated to? Milan! DH’s friend said he decided he’d like to go abroad and it’a a complete coincidence he chose Milan. He is now on wats app with DH constantly asking where shall we go? What shall we eat? What shall we see? What does this word mean? He’s also feigning complete incompetence, falling into deliberate tourist traps (IMO) to get DH to desperately put him back on the right track. DH has fallen into the trap and willingly spent his days recommending, suggesting, calling around and booking things for them all.

The result, which i’m Sure is the result his friend wanted, is that DH has inadvertently organised his ideal weekend in his home town, only he’s not going to be on it. The idea of his friends enjoying a weekend in his home city without him is more than DH can resist and today he asked me if he can go and can we celebrate my birthday when he gets back. Angry

I said - hold up! Can’t you see what your friend has done here? DH said no he’s always wanted to go and his friend figured the hotel prices in Edinburgh were so expensive that they might as well go abroad if they’re going to spend that money. Hmm

AIBU or is DH’s friend manipulative?

OP posts:
bettytaghetti · 23/10/2018 11:21

I don't understand why the friend didn't change the date to the weekend before/after when he changed location if it was so important to have his friend there?

Also is his wife not going to be there? I would find the idea of my husband having a celebration without me very peculiar. If she is going to be there then, as a pp has suggested, call/message friend thanking him for inviting you both and that you have arranged for DH's family to look after the kids so that you can have a much needed evening out together to celebrate your birthday too.

BlancheM · 23/10/2018 12:15

Your DH doesn't own Milan, anyone can visit at any time including himself and his family. The friend is probably trying to make him feel included, why wouldn't he ask for his advice?
I think it's ludicrous to think the friend cares so much about your DH's presence and finds him so indispensable that he would completely change his plans and the country, for the sole purpose of enticing your DH to go.

BewareOfDragons · 23/10/2018 12:43

I hope all is well, OP ... not really a fair request to be dumping on you like this ... he knows it's not reasonable ... and yet he's still doing it.

I'm sorry. I hope you're ok in the cold light of the next day...

Quartz2208 · 23/10/2018 12:44

Yes say to him nothing has changed, it still your birthday and you still have 3 under 3.It is not your job to tell him what to do it is up to him to make the decision he sees fit as an adult

Vixxxy · 23/10/2018 12:54

While DHs friend is behaving questionably, I would say in this situation it is actually your DH being quite manipulative. I know its easier to make the friend the bad one than admit your partner is being selfish, but it sounds like thats whats going on to me.

Singlenotsingle · 23/10/2018 12:55

Tell him that actually, your friends (or family) have arranged for you to have a celebration weekend away (as it's your birthday too). He'll have to take the children with him to Milan. Maybe he's got family there that he can dump them on arrange childcare with. No doubt they'd be delighted to see the DC?

FishesThatFly · 23/10/2018 12:56

DH says he feels it’s the universe telling him he needs to go home for a bit

What a complete twat! Is that meant to make his arguement more convincing. Think I'd have pee'd myself laughing if my partner came out with such crap

greendale17 · 23/10/2018 13:01

I would say in this situation it is actually your DH being quite manipulative. I know its easier to make the friend the bad one than admit your partner is being selfish, but it sounds like thats whats going on to me.

^This. Seems convenient for your DH that his friend has changed it to Milan.

My guess- your husband has manipulated the situation so he can go. He knew Edinburgh would be a no go but Milan makes it harder for you to say no.

Aprilislonggone · 23/10/2018 13:11

Ask him which dc he is taking as he can't expect you to manage the early days with all 3.

fizzthecat1 · 23/10/2018 13:17

Milan isn't even cheap. If he was really looking to save money he'd have picked somewhere is Spain.

SalemBlackCat4 · 23/10/2018 19:18

Show him this thread. Tell him if he goes, that's it. And that he can only go if he takes the kids with him. End of story. It is as simple as that. Do NOT allow him to go. Put your foot down and MEAN it.

RomanyRoots · 23/10/2018 19:26

Your dh is manipulating you, and I'd believe it was his idea not the friend.
he is using the friend as much as manipulating you.
If this was my dh and he went, he wouldn't be coming back to the family.
How can you be with a man who would even consider doing this?

Laureline · 23/10/2018 23:03

Your DH is the twat and I can’t believe he’s ready to swan off to Milan leaving you on your own with 3 small kids including a newborn.
I would lose a lot of respect for him if I were in your place.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 23/10/2018 23:11

I think your DH is in this up to his neck, unfortunately

There's no way it's been cancelled and rebooked at such short notice, and edinburgh is not particularly dear at this time of year anyway. It's always been Milan, because you'll find it harder to say no to Milan.

And yes. It's all a bit Brokeback.

Italiangreyhound · 24/10/2018 08:50

"I don't understand why the friend didn't change the date to the weekend before/after when he changed location if it was so important to have his friend there?"

This is an important point.

I wonder if it was a different weekend from your birthday would you mind so much?

Italiangreyhound · 24/10/2018 09:11

arsectomy you are probably feeling quite emotional at the moment have had a baby six weeks ago etc. So please be careful what you do or say at this moment.

I think yoir husband is entitled to go away for a special weekend even if you have a six eeek old baby. Just as I think you would be entitled to if the tables were turned.

He said he didn't want to go (or rather wasn't able to go) and your husband's friend was very clever and upped the ante.

Whether your husband had anything to do with that or not, I don't know. If he did he is certainly devious and manipulating.

However, please think carefully about whether or not to show him this thread (he would most likely think you crazy and not be interested in the opinions of 10s of randoms on the internet!).

Please don't say, ok you can go but take one or two children! It's just a ridiculous comment. Just as you wouldn't take a child on a spa weekend.

I certainly would not give him any ultimatum or leave.

Presumably you both chose to have three kids under three (I know not necessarily) and I can't imagine how much work that is.
But I think you are both entitled to weekends away very occasionally if you can make it work.

I'd let the decision he his. I'd invite a good friend to stay and help and make the best of a bad situation. I'd expect a fabulous treat the following week for my birthday and a weekend away when you can do it, either with him or with my mates.

I'm not saying it is ideal, it's not.

Butut I would not think about splitting up my family over a weekend away. Or even thinking of it. It does feel like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Whether this other man has any romantic interest in your husband, I have no idea. The thought that he has may make your husband think twice. Certainly, the whole thing is very odd.

I hope you will be ok. Ion my humble opinion now is not the time to fight tgis battle. Hoebee, if tgis is a sign of a general selfish attitude of his, then you will need to address it, of course.

Too of luck.

Italiangreyhound · 24/10/2018 09:11

Good luck.

FishesThatFly · 24/10/2018 09:14

What's happening @arsectomy ?

FinallyHere · 24/10/2018 10:48

Frame it as his friend being really thoughtless and isn’t it a shame he’s now going to miss out because his friend deliberately arranged to go to Milan at a time he he knew DH couldn’t go.

BoomBoomsCousin has it spot on

strawberrisc · 24/10/2018 10:53

Eithet way one of you is going to be pissed off with the other so the friend will be pleased if he really doesn’t like you.

nightmares · 24/10/2018 11:36

Lovely reply from ItalianGreyhound, precisely my thoughts.

OP, I'd be livid too in your shoes. my husband has a friend like this, and I know it can be terribly annoying. But in this instance, chances are great that the wife comes across as a jealous hag, so you have to play it differently. My answer would have been different if it was a landmark birthday for you too, but it is not, so just let him go and have fun. Don't carry a grudge, act all generous and light. Give a little, now, and Extract the payment later, at your terms.

timeisnotaline · 24/10/2018 11:47

I just don’t understand the let him go people. If you left me with a 6 week old and 2 older children I’d probably get 2 hours tops sleep in about 4 pieces over the entire weekend. Some birthday. I’d be dizzy with exhaustion from looking after our children when my dh came home from having fun and would tell him I wanted a divorce because no man who cared for me would have left me in that position.

Jux · 24/10/2018 11:59

So he needs to spend a day in Milan searching for a very expensive Italian handbag for you. Give him some basic guidelines - colour, size, handle type - so he can take photos of each he finds which fit those guidelines and you can approve/disapprove each one. In real time. It will be your birthday present, a day spent looking for a wonderful thing which you will have forever to remind you of how your amazing dh spent a whole day looking for a birthday present for you when he had fucked off with mates and left you alone with 4 children and no help on your birthday. It is a story you can tell your gcs when they come along.

How kind of your dh to take a day thinking of you and your special birthday gift to make up for having forgotten that his wife comes before his friends in the priority list. It will make it all up for you. Won't it? Wink

storm11111 · 24/10/2018 12:08

It's really making me laugh that this thread is about manipulation and there are all sorts of theories about who is doing the manipulation and then some of the proposed responses for the OP are ridiculously manipulative in themselves LOL.

Butterymuffin · 24/10/2018 12:20

Does he rarely visit his home town then? It sounds like a rare treat, surely you'd budget for regular visits - which raises another issue. Where's the money coming from for this trip and what impact will that have on your family holiday budget?