Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH’s friend manipulative

196 replies

arsectomy · 22/10/2018 21:56

Just for context: DH is from Milan. He’s immensely proud of his roots and patriotic, often homesick and considers himself a massive foodie/culture vulture.

DH and I have three children under three and the youngest is six weeks old.

DH has a friend who has never really acknowledged me or the DC. Preferred to see DH on his own, doesn’t ask about us etc. He’s married with DC himself but apparently doesn’t mention his wife or children much either.

It’s his 40th birthday this weekend. It's my birthday too but not my 40th. The friend a few months ago tried to organise a weekend away with DH and some of their mutual friends in Edinburgh, celebrating his 40th.

DH originally told him he couldn’t attend due to it being my birthday and the fact we’ll still be adjusting to being a family of five and he can’t leave me alone yet.

Despite this DH’s friend has repeatedly tried to get him to go, right up until last week, saying things like he’ll only be 40 once and (they all went to uni in Edinburgh) it’ll be a reminder of the good old days. All which DH replied sorry but no.

Suddenly this week, guess where the celebratory weekend has relocated to? Milan! DH’s friend said he decided he’d like to go abroad and it’a a complete coincidence he chose Milan. He is now on wats app with DH constantly asking where shall we go? What shall we eat? What shall we see? What does this word mean? He’s also feigning complete incompetence, falling into deliberate tourist traps (IMO) to get DH to desperately put him back on the right track. DH has fallen into the trap and willingly spent his days recommending, suggesting, calling around and booking things for them all.

The result, which i’m Sure is the result his friend wanted, is that DH has inadvertently organised his ideal weekend in his home town, only he’s not going to be on it. The idea of his friends enjoying a weekend in his home city without him is more than DH can resist and today he asked me if he can go and can we celebrate my birthday when he gets back. Angry

I said - hold up! Can’t you see what your friend has done here? DH said no he’s always wanted to go and his friend figured the hotel prices in Edinburgh were so expensive that they might as well go abroad if they’re going to spend that money. Hmm

AIBU or is DH’s friend manipulative?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/10/2018 05:49

Your husband doesn't sound too smart; he's quite obviously being manipulated but then he also wants to go to Milan anyway. Maybe you could all go? I don't think it's a problem for him to go alone though anyway

AstralTraveller · 23/10/2018 06:04

I think DH'd friend is in love with him. It all sounds a bit Brokeback Mountain.

GreenFieldsofFrance · 23/10/2018 06:06

Here's what I would do (and have done in a similar situation). I would calmly reiterate the reasons he gave as a no when it was Edinburgh and highlight that none of them has changed. I would then tell him you are not his mother, he is not a teenager, you don't get to "allow" him to do anything, he's a grown up with dcs and has a grasp of what is right and wrong, he knows the factors that stopped him going to Edinburgh are still present . Do not make this decision for him. Tell HIM to sleep on it and let you know if he's going or not.

I think sometimes some men do this, they intentionally absolve the decision making to delude you into thinking you have been given a choice (you haven't), and then if you say no, you've started to write your very own controlling wife narrative. Refuse to. Be prepared for him to decide to go and then also to acknowledge what that tells you about your dh.

Mummadeeze · 23/10/2018 06:10

I think I would let him go for one weekend given it is in his home town with his best friends from Uni. I agree his best friend’s 40th is a biggie. I would celebrate your own with friends and tell him you expect to be spoiled by him when he gets back. His friend may be being manipulative but long term friendships are important too. I do see your side but it is sad if he has to miss out on such a significant trip because the timing is bad.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/10/2018 06:14

I think your DH knows he’s being played, but he doesn’t care, because he wants to go.

The friend is a manipulative dick. And your DH is too, pretending that he’s innocent of his friend’s ploy, and pressurising you into agreeing.

Stand firm.

SummerGems · 23/10/2018 06:18

Are you sure he’s just a friend?

I’m only half joking. but tbh the idea that a friend who is going away with other friends would be so manipulative as to rearrange his weekend away so that his one special friend couldn’t resist the urge to go is weird.

If it was a female friend people would be questioning theirs and the dh’s motives (because let’s face it, he’s just as much on board with this as the friend is) but because it’s a bloke people are just assuming manipulation on the part of the friend. But dh is a willing participant here. And he’s the only friend not going?

It doesn’t make sense

MaverickSnoopy · 23/10/2018 06:21

For me there would be nothing to sleep on. I would be gutted if my DH wanted to regain on his word/support like this.

It might be his birthday but if it's a difficult time then he could go another time. Is that not a compromise? I've just given birth to my third and there's no way I'd feel up to DH going away (although everyone is different). Let alone if it was my birthday. I don't see why his birthday trumps your birthday, but then I've never been into "big number birthdays".

The friend now has his cards marked. If it were me this manipulation would be in the back of my mind forevermore.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 23/10/2018 06:28

YANBU to be annoyed but I'm a vote for him going. Whether or not you like it, the celebration IS now in Milan and your DH obviously wants to go, which I can understand. It's unfortunate that it's your birthday but it is just a day and can be celebrated a bit later. I think you should put this back into his hands - tell him that you don't feel it's fair of him to cancel plans you had made to spend your birthday together and that you feel it's obvious that his friend has done this deliberately but that it's his decision to make - which it is, he's an adult and shouldn't be asking you for permission. He needs to make his own decision. If you swallow your pride and resentment, is it really a big deal in the bigger picture if he goes?

Bibijayne · 23/10/2018 06:31

I think @GreenFieldsofFrance is right. Do not let him or his friend make you the bad guy. Make him sleep on it.

Tinkie25 · 23/10/2018 06:34

Wow! I agree you’ll be the bad guy.

I’d tell dh how I felt and leave the decision to him.

Veronicat · 23/10/2018 06:35

I'd book a weekend away for your birthday that weekend in Edinburgh for you, DH and kids . 😁

elephantseverywhere · 23/10/2018 06:40

I'm surprised PPs think it's so odd that this guy wants his best mate at his birthday - I'd totally rearrange my party plans if it meant my best friend could come. Because she's my best friend. I know people'll say male friendships are different but they're not that different, especially with long-term friends like this.

Obviously I wouldn't dream of doing it in such an underhand way though. That is odd. Agree DH is being just as if not more manipulative by passing the decision on, OP, remind him of his original reasons for declining and put ball firmly back in his court.

EdisonLightBulb · 23/10/2018 06:44

Tbh, I wouldn't have had too much of an issue over Edinburgh, I would like to think if my friends wanted to do similar for a 40th DH would have been generous enough to say have fun, even if he was missing a non milestone birthday.

But...this then changing the event to your husbands home town and abroad at that, well I would be absolutely raging. Who picks Milan for a 40th birthday unless you are some fashionista?

JoyfulMystery · 23/10/2018 06:44

This is on your DH, OP. I don’t think there’s any evidence the friend is ‘guilty’ of anything other than not being that interested in you or the children, which I find perfectly understandable. Unless I am also friends with my friends’ partners, I’m not particularly interested in them. Direct your anger where it’s due.

pictish · 23/10/2018 06:45

Honestly? I don’t think it’s a big deal. It’s not a competition as to who has more influence over your dh, you or this friend. It’s not a ‘your friend or me’ situation. If it’s two days and nights, you’ll manage by yourself. It’s ok for him to want to go and fine for his friend to want him there. You have him the rest of the time...so you win overall...and easily. And he’ll owe you one as well.
Don’t get drawn into a pissing contest here.

placebobebo · 23/10/2018 06:50

You are being manipulated by your DH here too, friend has had a hand in it but your DH isn't anywhere near as innocent and hoodwinked as you think.
Best you can do is roll out the big guns. Tell his family how disappointed you are that you can't go and that you hope you will be able to go soon so that they can meet your newest family member (and would have been able to go sooner if not for this). If they're as family oriented as the prevailing culture, this will go down like a lead balloon and your DH knows this. Perhaps he is just hoping to be able to visit friends and keep it a secret from them. Ohh no don't make it so easy for him.

That way he's going to get the it would have been better to see the grandkids too, what kind of father does that treatment. He also gets sucked into the family shit and friend doesn't get his own way because he barely sees your DH.

pigeondujour · 23/10/2018 07:05

I agree that your husband is the one being manipulative rather than the one being manipulated. I don't really think you should get to capitalise too much at your wife's expense on your homesickness for a place that is not the place you've chosen to get married and have three kids in.

I do wonder why you've mentioned that the friend doesn't really acknowledge/ask about you and the kids or mention his. Do you think there's something more significant afoot?

EK36 · 23/10/2018 07:07

If he wants to go..let him go. But he had better get you the best birthday present you have ever seen!

Escolar · 23/10/2018 07:13

Ah I’d be inclined to let him go! The friend is an arse but it would be nice for DH. Some good ideas here about easing the pain for you. If he has family there, definitely tell him to take the older two with him and leave you and the baby for some bonding time. And absolutely yes you will deserve a girls’ weekend away as soon as you’ve stopped breastfeeding.

Btw I had three under four so I do know how hard it will be for you!

AnotherDayAnotherDollarRight · 23/10/2018 07:13

Just let him go. He will anyway, so don't ivest any more energy in this. While he is away organise a lovely relaxing weekend away for yourself and a friend. Call it a belated birthday celebration for yourself. Leave him at home with dcs.

Jeezoh · 23/10/2018 07:52

Never mind the manipulation, you’ve got 3 kids under 3 with the youngest only 6 weeks? That’s reason enough to say no!

I’d tell your H you can all go to Milan another time but this is not the right time!

Returnofthesmileybar · 23/10/2018 07:58

It all sounds a bit Brokeback Mountain made me laugh out loud 😂

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 23/10/2018 08:09

DH says he feels it’s the universe telling him he needs to go home for a bit

Seriously? Hmm Your DH's friend isn't the only one being manipulative here!

If my DH left me alone with a newborn baby over my birthday to go on a lads holiday the "universe" would be telling me to change the fucking locks.

Oblomov18 · 23/10/2018 08:21

I see things very differently. I think 40th is a very big thing, and understand the planning for Edinburgh and then Milan.

My closest 3 friends and I went to Budapest, Prague, Bruges. Then we started planning for Edinburgh. But changed it to Berlin.

Some friendships don't focus on their husband and kids. You might enquire because you care about them, but actually your friendship is about you and them. Only you are them.

I totally get that. And think you are actually threatened by how much this man wants to be friends with your Dh.

My Dh isn't threatened by my very close friendship with my 3 friends.

Maybe you need to have a good look at what is really bothering you here!

GeorgeTheHippo · 23/10/2018 08:25

Don't let him dump the decision making on you. Tell him you don't think it is fair and you don't want him to go. If he goes, he goes. But he doesn't get to dump the decision on you and then moan "but you said I could go" if you are anything less than delighted. Which he will.