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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH’s friend manipulative

196 replies

arsectomy · 22/10/2018 21:56

Just for context: DH is from Milan. He’s immensely proud of his roots and patriotic, often homesick and considers himself a massive foodie/culture vulture.

DH and I have three children under three and the youngest is six weeks old.

DH has a friend who has never really acknowledged me or the DC. Preferred to see DH on his own, doesn’t ask about us etc. He’s married with DC himself but apparently doesn’t mention his wife or children much either.

It’s his 40th birthday this weekend. It's my birthday too but not my 40th. The friend a few months ago tried to organise a weekend away with DH and some of their mutual friends in Edinburgh, celebrating his 40th.

DH originally told him he couldn’t attend due to it being my birthday and the fact we’ll still be adjusting to being a family of five and he can’t leave me alone yet.

Despite this DH’s friend has repeatedly tried to get him to go, right up until last week, saying things like he’ll only be 40 once and (they all went to uni in Edinburgh) it’ll be a reminder of the good old days. All which DH replied sorry but no.

Suddenly this week, guess where the celebratory weekend has relocated to? Milan! DH’s friend said he decided he’d like to go abroad and it’a a complete coincidence he chose Milan. He is now on wats app with DH constantly asking where shall we go? What shall we eat? What shall we see? What does this word mean? He’s also feigning complete incompetence, falling into deliberate tourist traps (IMO) to get DH to desperately put him back on the right track. DH has fallen into the trap and willingly spent his days recommending, suggesting, calling around and booking things for them all.

The result, which i’m Sure is the result his friend wanted, is that DH has inadvertently organised his ideal weekend in his home town, only he’s not going to be on it. The idea of his friends enjoying a weekend in his home city without him is more than DH can resist and today he asked me if he can go and can we celebrate my birthday when he gets back. Angry

I said - hold up! Can’t you see what your friend has done here? DH said no he’s always wanted to go and his friend figured the hotel prices in Edinburgh were so expensive that they might as well go abroad if they’re going to spend that money. Hmm

AIBU or is DH’s friend manipulative?

OP posts:
JamPasty · 23/10/2018 08:27

Your husband is being really selfish here. Who puts their home town ahead of their wife and kids?!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 23/10/2018 08:28

Maybe you need to have a good look at what is really bothering you here!

She has a 6 week old baby! And two other small children. And the trip falls on her birthday! Plus her DH said he wouldn't go because he agreed it wouldn't be fair to her and has now sprung a change of plan on her because the holiday has become more appealing to him. I don't think there's any need for psychoanalysis, it's fairly obvious what's bothering her.

BolleauxtoBankers · 23/10/2018 08:30

Surely it's going to be far more expensive to get flights to Milan than to Edinburgh at this short notice? They'll be at least double the price for direct flights anyway!
Whoever it is who is being manipulative, I am amongst those who would ask your DH what has changed, apart from the venue, since he originally told his friend he couldn't go away for this week-end. I would add that he can either take the two toddlers away with him to see their grandparents for the week-end now, or, much better, if it is affordable/feasible for you, and when the baby is a bit older, you could arrange for the whole family to visit Milan together before Christmas or in the New Year, perhaps, which would be lovely!
Someone's surely pulling your strings here, OP, and I'm not sure who! Good luck with this, I'd be raging if my husband did something similar to me in your circumstances!

Mrsdarcyiwish10 · 23/10/2018 08:34

If he goes, which to be fair he shouldn't, I would be booking a weekend away for myself for when he's back, you need to celebrate your birthday and recouporate from having 3 DC by yourself for then weekend.

Italiangreyhound · 23/10/2018 08:35

YANBU.

However, I would let my dh go. It-s only one weekend.

His friend sounds like a prize shit so I would suggest your dh still says he can't afford it and ask of the friend can pay or at least half in return for organising it (perhaps even getting s discount for himself as organiser or guide) .

My husband took me out before my birthday and then did a run on my birthday!

RhiWrites · 23/10/2018 08:42

@arsectomy it’s not the universe suddenly telling him to go to Milan. It’s clearly the friend.

I’d say to DH “so right now you’re thinking of all your friends having fun In your hometown without you and you have fear of missing out. So what happens when you’re in Milan having a brilliant time and you think of me looking after our children including a new baby on my own on my birthday. What will you feel then?”

I think he’d feel like he’d be a dick and he’d be right.

Oblomov18 · 23/10/2018 08:44

Minister, I meant the way she describes the man, not talking about his wife, not asking about her.
The way Op describes their friendship.

Myself and 3 other posters have said that isn't a necessity, to ask about kids/partners, but focus on just the 2 in the actual friendship.

Some posters have said that if the husband is particularly loving and caring and has paid attention and shown respect and celebrated their birthday at another time, they wouldn't mind someone going away.

Someone mentioned that there has been a taking them out for a meal and then done a marathon on their birthday! you know it's not a crime.

none of those things you mention would bother me if Dh had said a long time ago that he wanted to go on his best friends 40th.

Most people would want their best friend at their 40th.

Italiangreyhound · 23/10/2018 08:52

If he goes, I'd using the equivalent about of time and /or money on some very nice spa trips while had the three kids.

Italiangreyhound · 23/10/2018 08:54

While dh had the three kids....

hellojim · 23/10/2018 08:57

A good friend would give your DH and you a bit of space when your family is so young. Do you know for sure what the friend's family situation is? You said he doesn't talk about them much. Do they actually exist? It sounds a bit like some of my DH's single/unhappily married friends who would put pressure on him to do things with them as if to test our marriage...I think they were a bit jealous!

Italiangreyhound · 23/10/2018 08:58

Ps I'd expect a lovely vorthdat present so dh would need to get some over time or a Christmas job to pay for it!

Italiangreyhound · 23/10/2018 08:59

vorthdat - birthday

ALittleBitofVitriol · 23/10/2018 09:09

I agree with not letting him make it your decision. I would tell him it's his choice, but given the reasons he previously said no still stand, he needs to also have a think about how to ameliorate those reasons if he chooses to go. He can't just swan off and leave you to deal with it. He gets to think about taking care of you with as much effort as he planned his friend's birthday.

I would also be the caring wife who understands how much he misses home. I'd ask him about all the things he wants to share from his culture with his kids. Get him to plan a family visit.

vanitythynameisnotwoman · 23/10/2018 09:09

He's really letting you down here OP.

Congratulations on the baby and Happy Birthday for the weekend!!

Are you tandem feeding at all? If not then he should take the older 2 with him... I'm sure they'd love to see family and you get a slightly less frantic weekend with you and DC3.

FrighteningMurderClown · 23/10/2018 09:09

It's one weekend for his 40th. Let him go.

Bambamrubblesmum · 23/10/2018 09:10

Why dont you try a change of tactic. Say actually that sounds great, we can all go and show off newborn to your family and friends in Milan. We will need to find an apartment for the 5 of us and im sure your friend wont mind, he can come over for a meal at ours rather than go out to an expensive restaurant. Oh and youll be able to give me some 'me' time on my birthday by taking all the kids to your family.

ooo I'm so excited now!!!!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 23/10/2018 09:11

Your DH is playing you like a fiddle. As soon as I read your post I thought it as something your DH and his mate have cooked up together.

As a PP said, let him make his own decision and then you will know for sure where his loyalties lie

diddl · 23/10/2018 09:13

"DH says he feels it’s the universe telling him he needs to go home for a bit"

Yeah-but it's only Milan-surely he could go/have gone at any time to see friends/family & he won't be doing that much/at all during someone elses bday weekend, will he?

BlueJava · 23/10/2018 09:17

Nothing changed though - it's still your birthday and you still have a small baby. I'd say YANBU in not wanting him to go. Suggest that he takes you and the children - so they get to experience Milan too - hopefully he will like that even more!!

Snomade · 23/10/2018 09:18

I would definitely do what BamBam suggests. The only way you can stop this is if you make their plan so unpleasant to them that they don't go through with it. Honestly it is unfair that your husband leaves you with 3 children so soon after having given birth.

mummmy2017 · 23/10/2018 09:26

You know he will go, so give in. BUT. Tell him you want the same amount of money, that is only fair as a birthday gift, then go stay with your family or book a holiday and take your mum or friend so not alone..
Sometimes it's better to lose but win, than lose and lose again.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/10/2018 09:46

If my best best friend had just had a baby and I desperately wanted him at the celebration I'd just delay it a few weeks til he could come, or move it closer to his home city so that he could come for one night. Yes you're only 40 once but there is no rule that says you've got to celebrate only on the actual day or go abroad! I certainly wouldn't want to separate him from his family when they needed him and cause issues or pressure him to go further afield when he had already said no. So I think he dies sound a bit manipulative. Asking someone to organise an event they would like to attend but can't, is a bit cruel as well and rubbing his face in it. Given he's got kids, he will know how big a deal this is. Id be angry at the friend but also angry that your husband can't see how sneaky he's been, but then most people don't expect a friend to play them like that.

Different couples do things differently and some would be fine but it depends on how well you're coping. I go into meltdown with a new baby, I just can't cope on little sleep. My husband went to a wedding for half a day when our second was 12 days old and I panicked and had to get help.

I'd have a chat with him like people have said, and leave it up to him to decide. I'd just outline my concerns such as I'm worried how I'll cope with x and y etc. But he may resent you if he can't go. I don't suppose there is a compromise like going for a shorter amount of time.

If it's because he really wants to go to Milan could you 'compromise' saying you will go with him and the kids next year instead? And you can suggest taking his friend and wife out with you as two couples for a posh meal or something to celebrate his birthday instead - will be a lot cheaper and also his friend would clearly hate it!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/10/2018 09:49

Also if the situations were reversed..what do you think he would honestly say about you going away (not sure how you are feeding but assuming this would be possible). I think the difference is though you probably wouldn't want to. I couldn't honestly enjoy myself knowing my husband and v young kids may be struggling at home without me but some people seem to be able to switch off a lot better

bigKiteFlying · 23/10/2018 10:16

Trouble is I can just see you coming off as the bad guy in all this.

^^This.

We ended up in the ludicrous situation of new baby, new area, new house, new job on really short time scale - I was still under MW care baby was that young.

Money was extremely tight – our toddler was very upset, and I exhausted and ill didn’t have nay fight in me at all.

His university friends arranged a reunion that weekend and put load of pressure on him to attend.

I had no fight in me so I asked about trains back – as his new job started that Monday. He couldn’t have any time off in probation period or he’d not get a job at end leaving us fucked financially. He’d have put the expense we didn’t need on cards but in end as luck would have it trains couldn’t get him back Sunday night.

He spent ages setting up a video link – time which would have been better spent IMO – so he saw them all but all they did was bitch about me and have little digs. It stopped when he showed baby off and outside the group asked about babies age – and expressed astonishment about what we’d done with a baby that young.

I don’t know if it’s coincidence but he’s had little to do with them since.

chillpizza · 23/10/2018 10:37

Don’t decide for him. It’s simple. “Dh nothing has changed apart from the location of this party, if you want to go that’s up to you, I’m not going to discuss this any further, just let me know what you decide”

Then walk away and get on with whatever needs doing. He will have to battle with his inner self, he knows his being a shit but if you say no then your in the wrong, if you argue he will I doubt use the argument as a reason to storm off again going, if you say yes he doesn’t feel shitty at leaving you on your birthday with three children.