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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH’s friend manipulative

196 replies

arsectomy · 22/10/2018 21:56

Just for context: DH is from Milan. He’s immensely proud of his roots and patriotic, often homesick and considers himself a massive foodie/culture vulture.

DH and I have three children under three and the youngest is six weeks old.

DH has a friend who has never really acknowledged me or the DC. Preferred to see DH on his own, doesn’t ask about us etc. He’s married with DC himself but apparently doesn’t mention his wife or children much either.

It’s his 40th birthday this weekend. It's my birthday too but not my 40th. The friend a few months ago tried to organise a weekend away with DH and some of their mutual friends in Edinburgh, celebrating his 40th.

DH originally told him he couldn’t attend due to it being my birthday and the fact we’ll still be adjusting to being a family of five and he can’t leave me alone yet.

Despite this DH’s friend has repeatedly tried to get him to go, right up until last week, saying things like he’ll only be 40 once and (they all went to uni in Edinburgh) it’ll be a reminder of the good old days. All which DH replied sorry but no.

Suddenly this week, guess where the celebratory weekend has relocated to? Milan! DH’s friend said he decided he’d like to go abroad and it’a a complete coincidence he chose Milan. He is now on wats app with DH constantly asking where shall we go? What shall we eat? What shall we see? What does this word mean? He’s also feigning complete incompetence, falling into deliberate tourist traps (IMO) to get DH to desperately put him back on the right track. DH has fallen into the trap and willingly spent his days recommending, suggesting, calling around and booking things for them all.

The result, which i’m Sure is the result his friend wanted, is that DH has inadvertently organised his ideal weekend in his home town, only he’s not going to be on it. The idea of his friends enjoying a weekend in his home city without him is more than DH can resist and today he asked me if he can go and can we celebrate my birthday when he gets back. Angry

I said - hold up! Can’t you see what your friend has done here? DH said no he’s always wanted to go and his friend figured the hotel prices in Edinburgh were so expensive that they might as well go abroad if they’re going to spend that money. Hmm

AIBU or is DH’s friend manipulative?

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 22/10/2018 23:54

just say no, why would you sleep on it.
It sounds like your dh was in on it all along though. Why change his mind? The other guy is weird

redastherose · 22/10/2018 23:54

Yep, I agree with PP's this is a set up by your DP not his friend!

He wanted to go all along andhave a fun time with his uni mates and he's come up with this 'cunning plan' so that you can't possibly force him to have to stay home with you and the 3 kids because you'd be sooooo unreasonable if you did.

You are right about the manipulation but I'd bet anything that it's you who are being manipulated NOT your husband!

Eastie77 · 22/10/2018 23:55

Ringbinder is on the money. I don't think your DH has been manipulated or duped OP, sorry.

Monty27 · 23/10/2018 00:01

This stinks to me. Are you sure your DH didn't plan it for the group to Milan and thought it would soften you up?
It sounds a bit suspicious to me. Sorry.
Congratulations on the baby and remember it's his too.

penisbeakers · 23/10/2018 00:03

Rip the friend a new one.

He's a manipulative wanksock, and if your DH falls for it he will be a jubilant manipulative wanksock that managed to steal him away from his wife and kids on the weekend of your birthday, because he's a complete shitkettle.

He shouldn't be choosing that fucker over you.

zzzzz · 23/10/2018 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ariela · 23/10/2018 00:04

Do your ILs and family still live in Milan?
Then suggest if your DH can organise you to go and stay with ILs he can catch up with family, you can have help with the kids, and you can take smallest with you and go out with his friend.
Otherwise no.

HeddaGarbled · 23/10/2018 00:08

They are both expecting you to back down. Don’t.

I would say something along the lines of, I don’t think it is fair to me for you to go.

Then, don’t get pulled into arguments, justifications etc. Don’t get angry or tearful or throw accusations at the friend. Just repeat, I don’t think it is fair to me for you to go.

DeaflySilence · 23/10/2018 00:54

"DH has asked me to “sleep on it.” FFS. He’s being so manipulated."

It certainly sounds as if he is being manipulated, but he is also being manipulative in asking you to sleep on it, as if it was your decision to make.

I think you should tell him that he is the one who should sleep on it. That only he can decide whether he should stay at home, as he had clearly decided to do; or whether he has now decided that the things he mentioned (it being your birthday and the fact you will still be adjusting to being a family of five and he can’t leave you alone yet) don't actually matter after all.

If he is going to go, then he alone should be responsible for that decision and it's effects.

penisbeakers · 23/10/2018 02:09

@DeaflySilence has a really excellent point there. He's basically shifted the responsibility onto you for a decision, he's hoping you will tell him it's okay to go, when it's really not.

That way if you acquiesce and tell him yes it's okay, and you get upset (more than you already are) he will say it's your fault because you gave him permission, thus absolving himself of any blame. If he goes, you will only end up miserable and stewing whilst his friend gets what he wants manipulating the fuck out of him at your expense, and your children's.

You're also going to be blamed if he doesn't go and his friend lords it over him, telling him about all the fun he missed, or holding it against him. So you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I would personally put my foot down and tell him you are aware his friend is manipulating him into going, but this is the deal - if he chooses to go then it tells you exactly where his priorities are, and those priorities will have a knock on effect in your life. If he chooses this pile of manipulative shit over you, then I'd probably be reconsidering your family future.

CodeOrange · 23/10/2018 02:13

If he ends up going, definitely make it so the 'universe' recommends a girls weekend away in Ibiza in around a years time. With him looking after the three DC by himself.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 23/10/2018 02:19

You have a new baby, you are allowed to say no. Probably no point trying to explain to dh that he was being manipulated. Tell him no he can't go this time, you have a new baby and it's your birthday too. Tell him when the baby is a bit older he can plan a weekend away with his friends to celebrate his 40th.

Martind12 · 23/10/2018 02:57

YANBU!!! He needs to understand your position. Family should always be number one priority. Why can’t he go a different week with his friends?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 23/10/2018 03:24

For me that would be worse. At least in Edinburgh it is a short flight/ train ride/ coach ride to get back if anything happens or if you are ill/ child ill/ can't cope or he could more easily go overnight. Milan would be far worse as it is a flight away. They shot themselves in the foot there. If the baby was older I wouldn't mind so much as my birthday can be moved but with three under 3 and the youngest only 6 weeks you still feel very vulnerable.

I would though suggest Milan for your wedding anniversary with the dc too and if in laws out there you might get some babysitting!

WhiteDust · 23/10/2018 03:57

What a load of tosh!
Forget 'nasty manipulative friend' OP! Your DH has played a blinder!

I'm willing to bet he's been planning to go all along. When is he buying tickets/booking his room? You'll find out someone with the exact same name as him has dropped out at the last minute?! You'll never guess... DH can take his place!!!!
The stars are truly aligned!

Your DH is not the one being played! You are! Either that or you have married a clueless fool He knows exactly what he's doing!

Notacluewhatthisis · 23/10/2018 04:06

The friend isn't the manipulative one.

Your dh is. Getting you to make the decision.

The friend isn't the issue here. Your dh is an adult, he is making the decision that he wants to go.

Of course he can resist, he is just choosing not to. Stop talking about your dh as though he can't possibly think for himself and is at the mercy of his devious friend.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 23/10/2018 04:22

Ask him who he thinks he’s fucking mRriwd to.

And yes, set Nonna on him.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 23/10/2018 04:22

married

PickYerWillyCircus · 23/10/2018 04:45

Book flights for the whole family... does dh have family still there to help with the kids? You could join the 40th celebrations!

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 23/10/2018 04:52

So - when you wake up and are asked what your thoughts are now that you've slept on it ... your response could be " yes you are right honey, it's a great time to go to Milan and see the old places etc, let's book for all of us to go , you ,me ,the children and CFFriend - who can maybe look after the children on your /my birthday so we can celebrate with a romantic meal together somewhere." See what he says ... if it's a case of - no that would cost too much - reply with " but you are only 40 once you know "

What's the history between CF friend and your husband ? It would worry me that CF friend harbours some unrequited feelings that maybe your husband hasn't noticed ? It all seems way OTT actions for 'just a friend'
Be wary I would suggest !

Good luck ! And happy birthday when it comes ! 

sofato5miles · 23/10/2018 05:12

Whatever you decide your relationship with his friend is now totally screwed and that will have long term implications for DH and his friend.

However, in the short term it needs to be decided whether your DH goes or not.

You know your DH is desperate to go and you fully understand the reasons why. Is there any way that you think you can cope when he is gone? Do you have any support? Are your children OK to deal with by yourself? If the answer is no to those I would explain that he can't leave you in these circumstances. If the answer is yes, I would tell him to go but explain that you too will have a weekend away, when you are ready to leave the baby.

Both your hands are being forced by this friend and whatever you decide will have an impact. You can point this out before the weekend or after but your DH will have to acknowledge it at some point.

I would be tempted to let him go with some blessing as the carrot dangled is so tempting and then calmly explain the consequences after. Once the weekend is over, your DH won't be blinded by the temptation and will probably feel guilty.

Notacluewhatthisis · 23/10/2018 05:19

Both your hands are being forced by this friend

How is his hand being forced? He could just say no because his responsibilities are more important.

CuriousMama · 23/10/2018 05:22

Have you been present to hear your husband say no? I don't want to put a damper on this but are you sure it's not you who has been played? Have you ever met this friend?

Justanothernameonthepage · 23/10/2018 05:33

I'd sleep on it and say that he gets to decide if he goes away or not. That you don't like it and would be disappointed if he chooses to leave you on your birthday but he's a grown man and you won't stop him if he decides his friend is more important. But no matter what, if he stays or if he goes, it's his choice.

MartagonLilies · 23/10/2018 05:44

I'm going to against the grain here.
I understand your view totally op. However, you will always have 3 young children (at least for the next 10 yrs) so will there ever be a good enough time to go?
I agree with pp that sometimes it's OK to still have fun after children, without involving the whole family. I'd be slightly annoyed if I wasn't ever allowed to go and have fun with a friend, because I needed to do it with DH and our 3 DC. It changes the dynamic.
I think that for a close friends 40th is totally fine.