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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH’s friend manipulative

196 replies

arsectomy · 22/10/2018 21:56

Just for context: DH is from Milan. He’s immensely proud of his roots and patriotic, often homesick and considers himself a massive foodie/culture vulture.

DH and I have three children under three and the youngest is six weeks old.

DH has a friend who has never really acknowledged me or the DC. Preferred to see DH on his own, doesn’t ask about us etc. He’s married with DC himself but apparently doesn’t mention his wife or children much either.

It’s his 40th birthday this weekend. It's my birthday too but not my 40th. The friend a few months ago tried to organise a weekend away with DH and some of their mutual friends in Edinburgh, celebrating his 40th.

DH originally told him he couldn’t attend due to it being my birthday and the fact we’ll still be adjusting to being a family of five and he can’t leave me alone yet.

Despite this DH’s friend has repeatedly tried to get him to go, right up until last week, saying things like he’ll only be 40 once and (they all went to uni in Edinburgh) it’ll be a reminder of the good old days. All which DH replied sorry but no.

Suddenly this week, guess where the celebratory weekend has relocated to? Milan! DH’s friend said he decided he’d like to go abroad and it’a a complete coincidence he chose Milan. He is now on wats app with DH constantly asking where shall we go? What shall we eat? What shall we see? What does this word mean? He’s also feigning complete incompetence, falling into deliberate tourist traps (IMO) to get DH to desperately put him back on the right track. DH has fallen into the trap and willingly spent his days recommending, suggesting, calling around and booking things for them all.

The result, which i’m Sure is the result his friend wanted, is that DH has inadvertently organised his ideal weekend in his home town, only he’s not going to be on it. The idea of his friends enjoying a weekend in his home city without him is more than DH can resist and today he asked me if he can go and can we celebrate my birthday when he gets back. Angry

I said - hold up! Can’t you see what your friend has done here? DH said no he’s always wanted to go and his friend figured the hotel prices in Edinburgh were so expensive that they might as well go abroad if they’re going to spend that money. Hmm

AIBU or is DH’s friend manipulative?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 22/10/2018 22:27

40th s are considered a special birthday so it's understandable your dh wants to celebrate his friends.I think YABU a bit.

Andro · 22/10/2018 22:27

YANBU...but I can see why your DH isn't seeing it!

Manipulative friend is very sneaky, he's set this up in a way that uses emotion to cloud judgement and your DH isn't going to want to believe a friend could do that!

Your DH needs to remember why he wasn't going in the first place.

FunSponges · 22/10/2018 22:30

The friend is a twat and your DH is an idiot. Ask him outright when the circumstances for him not going to Edinbrugh changed which meant its now ok for him to leave you and 3 small children on your birthday.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/10/2018 22:30

Lol, it's quite funny really.
Dhs friend really really wants him to go.
I'll just put this out there - despite the fact the friend has indeed manipulated - if you are able to look after the 3, it would be a really nice thing for you to do, to say he can go.

Willow2017 · 22/10/2018 22:30

Red
Ops dh didnt care before his 'friend' started twisting the screws.
He has a newborn and 2 other dcs under 3. 40 is just another bloody birthday. Nothing actually happens when you turn 40 its not a miracle birthday. Wife, kids and new baby comes first.

MyWeaponofChoiceisWords · 22/10/2018 22:30

Perhaps MrSneaky would like to entertain the entire arsectomy family for his 40th in Milan then?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2018 22:31

YANBU at all. The “friend” is a sneaky bastard.

It’s STILL your birthday. You STILL have a new baby.

DH is bang out of order to consider going and very dim, which is almost worse.

The friend may prefer to spend his birthday away from his wife and children but you’re still normal to expect your husband to be there for yours.

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/10/2018 22:31

YANBU, but I think you’re fighting a losing battle to get your DH to see his friend as being manipulative. I think you need to say to him that the reasons for him not going to Milan are exactly the same as the reasons for not going to Edinburgh and that he really should have talked to his friend about wanting to be able to go to Milan with him at some point before he organized everything for them at a time he couldn’t also go. Frame it as his friend being really thoughtless and isn’t it a shame he’s now going to miss out because his friend deliberately arranged to go to Milan at a time he he knew DH couldn’t go. Don’t give an inch on the idea that he should be able to go - because the location really doesn’t change the reasons for him not going and it didn’t have to happen this way.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 22/10/2018 22:32

Definitely sneaky. If your dh is really homesick could you go for a weekend visit as a family in a few months time when you’re more settled with the baby? I reckon showing his new addition off to his family and friends would piss all over whatever his friend has planned.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/10/2018 22:33

I agree with @Aintnothingbutaheartache. You will be made out to be the bad guy in this.

I had a similar issue with my DP and one of his friends and for the life of him he just couldn't see what this guy was doing. Fortunately we had no children so I basically said what @Aintnothingbutaheartache said, he fucked off with his mate and I had a great time with my friends. Something happened while they were away and they've not seen each other since and he's not pulled anything like that ever again.

Crispmonster1 · 22/10/2018 22:34

I would say Milan has less to offer than say Verona? Surely I’d your DH went to Milan he would have to visit family, friends etc?

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2018 22:36

Honestly? I think if your husband is so important to this man that he would alter his birthday celebrations just to have him there, I'd let your husband go.

Alternatively I'd consider your husband is not the be all and end all to this man and as such it's what your husband says and, again, just let him go.

It really depends on who weird you think this man is, you'd have to think he was very weird indeed to do this just to be with your husband.

FishesThatFly · 22/10/2018 22:36

I'd let him go.... as long as he took the two oldest DC with him 😉

Dashel · 22/10/2018 22:37

If it was me, I would suggest that you either ask him how he would cope with three small kids for the weekend, or I would say sweetly, DH I would love to see Milan, why don’t we plan a trip so you can show me around?

timeisnotaline · 22/10/2018 22:37

I read these threads and think other women must be better parents than me as there is no way in hell my dh would leave me for a fun weekend with a baby that age. I’d ask him if the universe had disappeared out children and made it not my birthday? Or was the universe suggesting he get unmarried?

mytieisascarf · 22/10/2018 22:38

I would tell him he absolutely can go........just so long as he takes the two older children with him. Grin

On a more serious note - Can the family afford it? Can you cope with three littles? What is it you are actually pissed off about? If it was a different friend would you mind so much?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/10/2018 22:38

I would concede this round, take the kids to my family or hunker down with some nice food in, but in my head I would declare war on said friend. I would be dripping poison in DH's ear about friend and subtly sabotaging their plans to meet whenever possible.

I would play the long game and friend would rue the day he crossed me.

SomeKnobend · 22/10/2018 22:41

You have a 6 week old baby! I'd never forgive dh for fucking off over my birthday, leaving me with 3 kids including a tiny baby to go on holiday with his friends. The city will still be there in 6 or 12 months when you'll have recovered from the birth and you could enjoy a great holiday together as a family. Be clear with him how you feel about this. Yanbu.

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2018 22:41

are his family there because of course if it is serendipitous it must be that his family are calling to see the family and of course he should take two of the children to see the family

otherwise you still have 3 under 3 and its your birthday

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2018 22:42

This genuinely wouldn't bother me, but I'm not a huge fan of birthdays, that I would stop my husband having a weekend with his mates in his home town. I'd also question my sanity thinking this man was so obsessed with my husband he planned it just to get him there.

I guess op you think this man is obsessed with your husband and would do this to be with him, even though he has other friends going, and birthdays are a big thing to you?

UnRavellingFast · 22/10/2018 22:42

Perhaps say to your dh, ‘go if you feel it is right. But think long and hard about this’. Then leave it and say no more on the subject at all. When he tries to discuss just say ‘I’ve told you my thoughts. Nothing more to say.’ It’s up to him to adjust his moral compass. Give him space to do it. If he fails to do so, you know who you’re married to.

Goldmandra · 22/10/2018 22:43

I would tell him I'd been hankering after a visit to Milan with him and (if appropriate) to introduce his new child to his friends and family out there. As he's suddenly keen to go, suggest making it sooner, rather than later, and start getting him involved with looking at flights.

You've then removed the draw of the visit to his home town as he will be doing that will you soon anyway. All that's left is the fact that it's with his mates, which he was willing to forego when it was in Edinburgh so still surely isn't going to pull him away from you and the children at such an important time.

SinkGirl · 22/10/2018 22:43

Regardless of where it is, there’s no way my DH would leave me to take care of a newborn and two other kids on my birthday, so he could go for a boys weekend. No way on earth. The friend may be manipulative but your DH has fallen for it - I’d be annoyed with them both!

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2018 22:44

I would be dripping poison in DH's ear about friend and subtly sabotaging their plans to meet whenever possible.I would play the long game and friend would rue the day he crossed me

Ah, mr Bond, how we have missed you. 🤣

roundaboutthetown · 22/10/2018 22:44

Yes, your dh's friend sounds like a manipulative weirdo. I'm not sure your dh is as innocent and wide eyed in this situation as you portray him to be, however. Nevertheless, it sounds like a weekend crafted with your dh's pleasure in mind and thus very hard for you to forbid him to do, considering!