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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH’s friend manipulative

196 replies

arsectomy · 22/10/2018 21:56

Just for context: DH is from Milan. He’s immensely proud of his roots and patriotic, often homesick and considers himself a massive foodie/culture vulture.

DH and I have three children under three and the youngest is six weeks old.

DH has a friend who has never really acknowledged me or the DC. Preferred to see DH on his own, doesn’t ask about us etc. He’s married with DC himself but apparently doesn’t mention his wife or children much either.

It’s his 40th birthday this weekend. It's my birthday too but not my 40th. The friend a few months ago tried to organise a weekend away with DH and some of their mutual friends in Edinburgh, celebrating his 40th.

DH originally told him he couldn’t attend due to it being my birthday and the fact we’ll still be adjusting to being a family of five and he can’t leave me alone yet.

Despite this DH’s friend has repeatedly tried to get him to go, right up until last week, saying things like he’ll only be 40 once and (they all went to uni in Edinburgh) it’ll be a reminder of the good old days. All which DH replied sorry but no.

Suddenly this week, guess where the celebratory weekend has relocated to? Milan! DH’s friend said he decided he’d like to go abroad and it’a a complete coincidence he chose Milan. He is now on wats app with DH constantly asking where shall we go? What shall we eat? What shall we see? What does this word mean? He’s also feigning complete incompetence, falling into deliberate tourist traps (IMO) to get DH to desperately put him back on the right track. DH has fallen into the trap and willingly spent his days recommending, suggesting, calling around and booking things for them all.

The result, which i’m Sure is the result his friend wanted, is that DH has inadvertently organised his ideal weekend in his home town, only he’s not going to be on it. The idea of his friends enjoying a weekend in his home city without him is more than DH can resist and today he asked me if he can go and can we celebrate my birthday when he gets back. Angry

I said - hold up! Can’t you see what your friend has done here? DH said no he’s always wanted to go and his friend figured the hotel prices in Edinburgh were so expensive that they might as well go abroad if they’re going to spend that money. Hmm

AIBU or is DH’s friend manipulative?

OP posts:
Ladi85 · 24/10/2018 15:26

Let him make the decision, don’t take the responsibility. You are adults, you don’t have to give each other permission to do things. He knows right from wrong, he knows it’s wrong which is why he wants you to decide (shifting the guilt). If he decides to go then you will have to deal with your feelings about him as and when they arise (assuming this is some new behaviour; if not, perhaps you should reflect on your relationship, communicate etc).

missp2018 · 24/10/2018 15:35

Let him go imo. You sound really controlling OP Confused

Willow2017 · 24/10/2018 15:41

Let him go imo. You sound really controlling OP

Yeah cos when your partner and the father of your children promises to do something with you on yor birthday and be there for his children and new born then decides he wants to piss off to another country instead with mates its the womans fault for being annoyed at him and she is obviously far too 'controlling'!

Italiangreyhound · 24/10/2018 15:44

timeisnotaline

"I just don’t understand the let him go people. If you left me with a 6 week old and 2 older children I’d probably get 2 hours tops sleep in about 4 pieces over the entire weekend. Some birthday."

My sister called me to say my mum was dying on my birthday. To be honest at my age birthdays are not that great or special or important and can be celebrated early or late. So for me the birthday isn't a big thing.

However, the friends birthday of a bunch of people gpomg away and having fun etc. I can totally understand him wanting to go, or the OP if the situation were reversed.

I'd have a friend or relative to stay and make the best of it. I'd not issue ultimatums or end my marriage over it.

The only way I would be really angry would be if having three under three was all my husband's idea. Then, yes, I would be majoly pissed off.

Plus 'let him go's he is an adult, imagine of a wife here said she had to have permission to go to a special event? Would Mumsnetters be up in arms of she needed 'permission' to go out for a special occasion, even with a young baby?

Jux 3 children not 4.

Andylion · 24/10/2018 15:51

So he needs to spend a day in Milan searching for a very expensive Italian handbag for you. Give him some basic guidelines - colour, size, handle type - so he can take photos of each he finds which fit those guidelines and you can approve/disapprove each one. In real time. It will be your birthday present, a day spent looking for a wonderful thing which you will have forever to remind you of how your amazing dh spent a whole day looking for a birthday present for you when he had fucked off with mates and left you alone with 4 children and no help on your birthday. It is a story you can tell your gcs when they come along.

I couldn't be bought with a handbag, even if he took all day choosing it.

SwimmingKaren · 24/10/2018 15:57

I would definitely tell him to go but then if he did choose to then I’d probably adjust my expectations / opinion of him accordingly. That weekend will be zero fun for you on your birthday and with such a young baby you’d think he would have considered that and weighed it up. Rubbish timing as would imagine at any other time you’d probably be happy for him to go.

Froglette16 · 24/10/2018 16:05

If DH goes, make sure it’s under expensive conditions: he buys you an amazing Italian gift, arranges child care for all 3 of the kids so you CAN enjoy your birthday and allows you a fully paid weekend away whenever you’re up for it - with YOUR friends. Wow. He might not want to go after receiving your wish list. Get it in writing. 👍👍👍

DontCallMeCharlotte · 24/10/2018 16:38

I would concede this round, take the kids to my family or hunker down with some nice food in, but in my head I would declare war on said friend. I would be dripping poison in DH's ear about friend and subtly sabotaging their plans to meet whenever possible.

I would play the long game and friend would rue the day he crossed me.

Halloween Grin

Do you have Mafia Italian roots as well?

ReadMyLipss · 24/10/2018 17:05

Would you have let him go if there wasn't a new baby around?

ConciseandNice · 24/10/2018 17:11

Your DH sounds like a total ass. Sure the friend is manipulating him but it’s down to your husband how he treats you and he’s doing a poor poor job.

timeisnotaline · 24/10/2018 17:49

@italiangreyhound
The birthday is just the icing on the cake. The real problem would be leaving me with all the children.
The only way I would be really angry would be if having three under three was all my husband's idea. Then, yes, I would be majoly pissed off
This is really low standards. The only way you would hold a man accountable for parenting when they are tiny and so needy is if he was the only one who wanted children? Every other situation the woman just has to suck it up? My husband and I both want our children and I won’t take solo responsibility during the very difficult stages so he can have fun. He knows that. We have a 6 week old and he can’t walk away from that because he had a better offer , just as I can’t. When they are older it’s different.

Weebitawks · 24/10/2018 18:06

“Splendid you can take the older 2 to your mothers”

RomanyRoots · 24/10/2018 19:55

Gosh, some prossies out there, sell your happiness for luxury goods eugh! Grin

OP, you are worth more than this, mine wouldn't dream of asking as his family are more important than what can be loosely described as a friend.
A friend wouldn't alienate their friends family, and he sounds like an arse to never speak about his family.
Maybe it's a chance for some shagging away from the mrs's. I can't see what else would be the attraction tbh.

MsRinky · 24/10/2018 20:22

I would be asking him to explain clearly, in addition to what has changed, whether this was his idea cooked up with his friend, or whether he really is that stupid and easily manipulated.

I'd want to know whether he was actively devious, if rather transparent, or if he really was catastrophically stupid. Neither are great qualities for a husband tbh, but you deserve to know which you're lumbered with.

Italiangreyhound · 24/10/2018 20:55

timeisnotaline
"The only way I would be really angry would be if having three under three was all my husband's idea. Then, yes, I would be majoly pissed off"

"This is really low standards. The only way you would hold a man accountable for parenting when they are tiny and so needy is if he was the only one who wanted children?"

That is not what I said.

"Every other situation the woman just has to suck it up?"

That is not what I said.

"My husband and I both want our children and I won’t take solo responsibility during the very difficult stages so he can have fun."

Good for you but that is, again, not what I said.

"We have a 6 week old and he can’t walk away from that because he had a better offer , just as I can’t. When they are older it’s different." Totally your call. BUT I think if a big special important even comes up that either parents wants to go to then it should be possible.

I did not suggest the dad doesn't do parenting, I said clearly that I think either parent should be free to go away for a special event.

This has been a very confused situation, and the husband has not behaved well at all. But presumably both of the couple chose to be a family of three, under three, and we are only talking about a weekend.

IF the husband were the one to push for a bigger family and then disappear off, I would certainly think worse of him, but they chose to have a family and I think it is not entirely unreasonable for one parent, either one, to go somewhere for one weekend.

It's nothing to do with your parenting situation so I am sure why you've projected my words into something they are not.

Italiangreyhound · 24/10/2018 21:05

@timeisnotaline sorry that came over more aggressive than I intended! I just meant both parents are responsible but both parents get to take some time off. But, yes, 6 weeks is very young to do that. Thanks

Congratulations on your new baby. Didn't mean to be so bolshy!

timeisnotaline · 26/10/2018 14:58

No worries italiangreyhound :)

MadisonMontgomery · 26/10/2018 19:31

So is this literally the only chance he has ever had or ever will have to visit his home? Somehow I doubt it. I would simply say that to you, nothing has changed since he originally agreed he oughtn’t to go to Edinburgh, and nothing will change (except perhaps the way you view him) and therefore the decision is entirely on him. Don’t let yourself become the bad guy in this situation (however I would be tempted to tell his family, if they still live in Milan, when he is visiting, how much you are sure he wants to see allllll of his family as much as possible, and that he has deprived them of seeing their grandchildren as you would have loved to visit for your birthday rather than being stuck at home alone)

Italiangreyhound · 26/10/2018 20:18

@timeisnotaline good Grin

Italiangreyhound · 26/10/2018 20:19

arsectomy Any decision yet?

Accountant222 · 26/10/2018 20:41

Tell him he can go, but has to take the new baby with him (joking of course).

It's totally disrespectful to you.

Try to enjoy your birthday x

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