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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL letting someone else take DS out alone

179 replies

Whatdoyouthink123 · 22/10/2018 20:33

Name changes for this.

PIL very kindly look after DS (10 months old) once a week for us while we are work. Upon collection they give me a run down of the days events etc etc and casually mention... 'oh and Mary took him out for a walk'. Turns out Mary took him out by herself while PIL's financial advisor came for a meeting.

Mary is a very close long-standing friend of MIL who I've met a handful of times. Seems like an absolutely lovely women, but I don't know her overly well.

AIBU to be a bit uneasy that PIL sent DS off out alone with someone with neither of them present? PIL have known the woman for years, so I'm sure they was confident he was in safe hands - however I'm just not sure I feel comfortable with the idea of them sending him off with other people? I'd get it if there had been some sort of emergency, but it wasn't. I have always said if there is ever an issue with looking after him or a day they can't do I will very happily make other arrangements and would never want to put them out.

Am I being a bit precious or justifiably uneasy?

OP posts:
spacefighter · 22/10/2018 20:33

Your being precious.

Aprilislonggone · 22/10/2018 20:35

I would be very thankful for my dc to have and extra 'auntie' tbh!!

bimbobaggins · 22/10/2018 20:36

I don’t think yab precious.

puzzledlady · 22/10/2018 20:36

Hmmmm, I probably would have wanted to know that Mary was taking my child out before it happened.

Tillytrotter123 · 22/10/2018 20:36

I don’t think you’re being precious. Your baby is going out with someone you don’t even know, I would feel uneasy too. Like you said though she sounds like a lovely lady but it would be nice to have been told.

tessieandoz · 22/10/2018 20:38

What poster spacefighter said !

Zebra31 · 22/10/2018 20:39

YANBU or precious. I would not be happy if PIL allowed someone I didn’t know (and without consent/pre agreement) to take DD out. That’s a no no.

Becles · 22/10/2018 20:39

Yabu, either they are responsible enough to jugde someone can briefly cover or they have questionable judgement and certainly shouldn't be in sole charge of your child.

MacosieAsunter · 22/10/2018 20:40

Mary is a very close long-standing friend of MIL who probably used to take your DH out in a pram, baby sit him etc >

As said ^^ YBV precious

Disquieted1 · 22/10/2018 20:42

It's a generational thing. All new parents are very protective while grandparents are much more relaxed - they've seen it all before.
Mary probably took your husband out when he was a baby. Don't worry about it.

niceberg · 22/10/2018 20:43

I don’t think you’re being precious at all. You hand your baby over to PILs because you know and trust them. That can’t be delegated to someone you don’t know. I would have been shocked if that had happened to me. The least they should have done was run it by you, and preferably there should have been a back up plan in case you weren’t comfortable.

PiggyPoos · 22/10/2018 20:44

If it was someone they didn't know very well maybe but I wouldn't have a huge issue with a long standing family friend taking them for a walk.

This is the tricky thing with using family though. You can be as picky as you like with paid nursery etc.

I think it boils down to if you trust their decision making or not.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 22/10/2018 20:46

I think you're being a little bit precious. From what you've described Mary took him off in his pram for a breath of fresh air and to give your Pils a chance to focus on their meeting.

I could understand if she had him off out for the afternoon and was responsible for feeding, changing, comforting but that's not the case here. You trust his gps to take care of him so trust that they have his best interests at heart and are able to make a call on allowing someone to take him out for a walk.

HoneyWheeler · 22/10/2018 20:47

If it's not ok with you then it's not ok. I've had to deal with similar things with my PIL, who are lovely people but I feel the need to explicitly state my boundaries with them so that there are no misunderstandings. I think if you said something like "I know you've known Mary a long time, but could you please just drop me a text to check if X needs to go out with someone? Just so I know what's going on".

I think that's polite and understanding but you've then told them you want them to check first.

PiggyPoos · 22/10/2018 20:47

It's quite alright and normal to feel uneasy over things though, whether you mull it over and decide if was ok or not. It's your child and ultimately you deciding what you want.

So I don't think you are being nessicarily precious.

AhNowTed · 22/10/2018 20:49

Very close long standing friend - no problem at all.

It's a stroll out in the pram, nothing to worry about

Inertia · 22/10/2018 20:50

You are not being precious.

If it was inconvenient for them to have your baby because of their meeting, they should have told you so that you could make other childcare arrangements.

You're not a baby lending service, it doesn't matter who else Mary pushed around.

Lelly0503 · 22/10/2018 20:54

Yanbu I would feel uneasy if this was me. I don’t necessarily think it’s precious. It’s the unknown that would get to me. I wouldn’t like that at that point my ds wasn’t where I thought he was. If I met the lady and got to know her then I’d have no issue. The trouble is where it’s family childcare you are limited in what you can dictate. My ds is with my mil one day per week and often goes against what I would necessarily do but I bite my tongue because It saves us £200 per month

CryingMessFFS · 22/10/2018 20:55

I would not be happy with that at all

Original poster
Whatdoyouthink123 · 22/10/2018 20:56

Appreciate all the comments - thank you! Especially useful to hear different perspectives

I am not overly worried about today - there was no harm done. It's more in general really, for example we have a couple of nieces (17/18 years old) that I absolutely would not feel comfortable with taking him out for a stroll. I don't know if PIL would be of the same opinion as me, would they let them take him?

It's a v different approach for me, as my own parents are very mindful of everything ie would you mind if we took him to town today, or so and so would like to pop in and see DS - is that OK?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 22/10/2018 20:58

You are being precious. But hey, you have a 10month old. You are entitled to be precious. Most of us replying probably were too. I'm sure we can all look back and cringe about things we worried about with our pfbs Smile

You'll look back and realise that your PiLs were being helpful / thoughtful in finding their own solution to their need to have an hour without the little one, rather than creating an issue for you. It was a walk in the pram for an hour, not a fortnight abroad!

BackforGood · 22/10/2018 21:00

x posted.
Your parents are being ott.
If you are trusting someone to look after your dc whilst you are at work, then you have to trust them to be able to make all those little decisions as they go through the day.

PanamaPattie · 22/10/2018 21:01

You're right to be uneasy. You don't know this woman well enough. How would you feel if this Mary took DS out for a while and your PIL had no idea where he was. I wouldn't like this at all. You're (not your) not being precious.

Almostfifty · 22/10/2018 21:04

So, would you be happy to let one of the friends you've known all your life take your child for a walk?

If you are, then think of this person as one of them. They are to your PILs.

You are being very precious.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2018 21:05

FFS, you are not being precious at all. Your in-laws should always consult with you first if they are leaving your child in someone else's care. This is a decision they are not entitled to make. You need to have a very clear conversation with them, and if they continue to disregard your rules, you know they can't be trusted.

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