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AIBU?

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Original poster

PIL letting someone else take DS out alone

179 replies

Whatdoyouthink123 · 22/10/2018 20:33

Name changes for this.

PIL very kindly look after DS (10 months old) once a week for us while we are work. Upon collection they give me a run down of the days events etc etc and casually mention... 'oh and Mary took him out for a walk'. Turns out Mary took him out by herself while PIL's financial advisor came for a meeting.

Mary is a very close long-standing friend of MIL who I've met a handful of times. Seems like an absolutely lovely women, but I don't know her overly well.

AIBU to be a bit uneasy that PIL sent DS off out alone with someone with neither of them present? PIL have known the woman for years, so I'm sure they was confident he was in safe hands - however I'm just not sure I feel comfortable with the idea of them sending him off with other people? I'd get it if there had been some sort of emergency, but it wasn't. I have always said if there is ever an issue with looking after him or a day they can't do I will very happily make other arrangements and would never want to put them out.

Am I being a bit precious or justifiably uneasy?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 23/10/2018 07:45

So basically, it doesn't matter that this is a longstanding family friend who presumably the baby's father knows well?

Cornishclio · 23/10/2018 07:51

We look after our DGDs who are 6 months and 3 regularly and would not pass over their care to anyone without checking with my DD and her husband first. I am not sure we would be so precious as your parents in checking everything through them but we normally do say this is what we plan today when they drop the girls off. If we had an appointment which could not be moved we would ask DD if they wanted someone else to have them rather than fob the girls off to someone they don't know though so YANBU. They may have known Mary a long time but you don't know her.

sandgrown · 23/10/2018 07:55

I think you are being a bit precious. It was a trusted long term friend taking your baby for a walk in his pram for an hour. I suspect they both enjoyed it. Your nieces are old enough to be married with children of their own so unless they are very silly should be capable of babysitting.
In my group of friends we have always looked after each other's children . Maybe Mary used to help out with your DH.

Believeitornot · 23/10/2018 08:01

I wouldn’t like it at all because it’s my child. I would like to know who my child is with.

Why is this precious?

By asking the ILs to take care of baby, the OP isn’t handing over all parenting decisions- it’s just a day. So if they can’t do it, then I’d want to know.

This isn’t their baby.

Now what happens if the ILS make a poor judgement of character? It could be coincidence that Mary is fine - what if she’s not actually used to babies, what if she decides to take baby home for a quick cuppa? Then someone else is there who looks after baby while she does. Is that ok? How far do the judgements pass along?

I think the OP has every right to be concerned. It’s a baby who can’t speak for itself.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 23/10/2018 08:20

But presumably if this woman is a long standing friend then the dh knows her??

Fightthebear · 23/10/2018 08:32

Is it just about knowing her though? You would need to sense whether she is experienced/sensible enough to look out for risks a young child is exposed to.

Examples from my personal experience: my mil wandered off to get changed on her own and lost DS1 at the Swimming pool. Friend’s toddler DS was badly burned by a cup of tea his granny left out.

Not that I’m perfect btw, I’ve been distracted and DS2 has eaten things he shouldn’t. But I think it’s right to think this through when you trust someone with a vulnerable child.

Whereismumhiding2 · 23/10/2018 08:37

My DC are older now, but I would be Hmm at anyone handing my children or baby over to someone else without discussing with me.

YANBU to be Hmm but I would deal with it carefully.

"I know you know Mary very well, and she just took Baby for walk for an hour, but please don't make decisions about other people having our baby /child without consulting with me or DH first next time. We trust you, this is our precious baby but it makes me/us anxious now to feel we/I may not know who has baby when s/he's meant to be with you. I also don't know that she'll know Baby well and be able to reassure him/her or treat him/her same way you do, can you please respect that?"

(You could add.. but shouldn't need to) " I wouldn't hand your DDog over to someone else without asking you first, a Baby is more precious than a Dog"

Believeitornot · 23/10/2018 08:37

It’s the principle.

The ILs should have checked first. My response would be different if the OP said she objected before it happened and her dh knew and trusted the person.

Otherwise you end up with a precedent that the ILs think it’s ok to pass off baby onto someone as long as they think it’s ok. What if it was the nieces who the OP isn’t happy with (and just because they’re adults, doesn’t make it automatically ok!!)

Pebblesandfriends · 23/10/2018 08:48

I would be fuming. I had this with my mil. She left dd, who was in her care for the day with a family friend for 3 hours, while she popped out to get her hair done. I was not impressed. I was too shocked to say anything when she she told me at pick up, but called her up later to say that I was surprised, as that had not been the arrangement. I said that if I left dd with her and she had something on to just say she couldn't do it that day. I said that if I leave dd with her she can't just hand her over to someone else and delegate responsibility and that I was not comfortable with that because I don't know them and DD is ultimately my responsibility. It is a generational thing but you need to nip it in the bud you can't be too careful. Mary might be lovely but the point is it's your call to make not your pils.

BertrandRussell · 23/10/2018 08:54

"They may have known Mary a long time but you don't know her."

But the baby's father does.

Rhondacross · 23/10/2018 08:56

I think this is madness. A trusted family friend takes the baby out for a little spin, no big deal. What exactly do people think might happen? Nobody said she's senile. Does everyone outside family need a dbs check before being allowed to push a pram?

Pebblesandfriends · 23/10/2018 08:57

The issue here is that it wasn't your PIL's decision to make. You delegated responsibility for df to them. If they wanted to change that they needed to come back to you. If it wasn't convenient for them to have Dr they should have said and given you the option to make alternative arrangements. It's not ok for them to hand your child over without your ok. Mary is probably lovely but that's not their call to make. I would be fuming. You need to let them know that it made you uncomfortable and next time if you leave dd with them and they can't do it to say, and make it clear they can't entrust her to someone else without your say so. It's not being precious, it's common sense.

Rachie1973 · 23/10/2018 09:00

Seems precious to me. If I trust someone to look after my kids then I trust them to be able to make a good judgement

Rhondacross · 23/10/2018 09:03

I think I'm getting old. People seem to want to run their lives with policies and procedures in place for everything. I trusted my in-laws to have the welfare of my children at heart and wouldn't have batted an eye if, for example, they told me that their lovely next door neighbour had taken one out in the pram for an hour. Someone they had known and trusted for years. I mean, if they had asked - is it OK for Mary to take baby out for a walk in the pram while we have this bloke in to talk to us - who would have said no? How do you judge a kindly, well known friend of your in laws?
The vast majority of the population are normal folk who would take responsibility for a little one very seriously. They aren't child molestors, or likely to just let go of the handle at the top of a hill.

"Delegated responsibility" etc... the world's gone mad.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 23/10/2018 09:04

Exactly Bertrand

Rhondacross · 23/10/2018 09:07

This is what gets me "You can't be too careful". What does that mean? You can't be too careful because your in laws, who love your baby with their hearts and souls, can be trusted to look after the baby for a day, but not trusted to decide that someone is safe to take the baby out for a walk in the pram?
And people would be "fuming" - really?
Just set up a "Looking After Baby" policy with underpinning procedures in place and get them to sign every page.

Ember12 · 23/10/2018 09:28

Some of these replies are crazy!

Why would you not trust your niece's taking your baby out for an hour? Hmm

makingmammaries · 23/10/2018 12:56

What if Mary has a health problem the PILs haven’t picked up on and fails to see a car coming or keels over in the street? The OP hasn’t had a chance to assess whether Mary is currently fit to care for a child. I’m with the OP on this: I would not like it.

makingmammaries · 23/10/2018 12:57

And I wouldn’t trust a baby to 17-year-olds either.

Dontfeellikeaskeleton · 23/10/2018 12:58

YANBU.

Wouldn't be happy about that at all.

BertrandRussell · 23/10/2018 13:03

“What if Mary has a health problem the PILs haven’t picked up on and fails to see a car coming or keels over in the street? ”

What if she is a shape shifter from the planet Zargon who has been waiting 30 years for the opportunity to capture a human baby and beam it back to Zargon as the first in an army of humanoid mercenary soldiers dedicated to Universal Domination?

Aprilislonggone · 23/10/2018 13:16

I had my dd at 17..

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/10/2018 13:31

If I trusted PILs enough to look after my dc I think I'd be ok with them trusting someone to walk the child. Given it's an old family friend that is well thought of and liked by your PILs I wouldn't cause a fuss personally. However I would want to know that you don't want anyone else taking him out until they've asked you for eg the young nieces.

JellieEllie · 23/10/2018 13:40

Had it occurred to you that on these Thursdays when your PIL look after your child that Mary may be a regular fixture in that also?
Maybe she pops in every week for a cuppa and natter and cuddle with baby?
Maybe she has bonded with child and it feels natural to your PIL/Mary to take him out for a little walk. Your child may feel bonded to her also.
I think you are being very precious. Sorry.

IzzyGrey · 23/10/2018 14:16

I'd be really unhappy about it if I hadn't met her . If you're precious, I'm precious too.

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