PIL letting someone else take DS out alone

[Whatdoyouthink123]

Name changes for this.

PIL very kindly look after DS (10 months old) once a week for us while we are work. Upon collection they give me a run down of the days events etc etc and casually mention... 'oh and Mary took him out for a walk'. Turns out Mary took him out by herself while PIL's financial advisor came for a meeting.

Mary is a very close long-standing friend of MIL who I've met a handful of times. Seems like an absolutely lovely women, but I don't know her overly well.

AIBU to be a bit uneasy that PIL sent DS off out alone with someone with neither of them present? PIL have known the woman for years, so I'm sure they was confident he was in safe hands - however I'm just not sure I feel comfortable with the idea of them sending him off with other people? I'd get it if there had been some sort of emergency, but it wasn't. I have always said if there is ever an issue with looking after him or a day they can't do I will very happily make other arrangements and would never want to put them out.

Am I being a bit precious or justifiably uneasy?

I think in this case PIL made a judgement based on their very long foremdshio with Mary. She was a safe bet and it is good that they someone who they can rely on to occassionally give them a break if they need it.

In relation to the epneices, all you have to do is casually drop into conversation that you don’t yet trust them to look after baby on their own. I am sure PIL will pick up on this and won’t leave them to babysit.

I think MAry is fine though and it would have been overkill to check in with you on a walk.

If you leave your child in the care of a family member/friend (not a professional you are paying) then you are handing over choices like this to them!

You are putting your trust in them to act as loco parentus in your absence. If you don’t 100% trust them to make decisions don’t leave your child with them

You’re not being precious, I would want to be asked if someone took one of my dc , and would be very uneasy if they were taken out by someone I didn’t really know.

I can understand this news of a friend of theirs taking him out for a walk throwing you for a loop. It probably would have thrown me too.
My MIL had Ds twice a week from 8 weeks old and she went out and about with her own friends with my Ds, seemed odd to me at first, but I realised, she was very protective of him and loved him so much she'd never put him in danger, so I never questioned her about where they had been or who with, at some point I had to trust her judgement.

Let's pretend this wasn't PILs but a paid baby-sitter or daycare worker.

Should the OP be comfortable with a paid provider letting someone OP barely knows take the baby out for a walk?

Sadly, it would not be unheard of for someone to appear very nice in public, but completely different in private.

YANBU.

I totally get why you are uneasy. When my dc were little I always wanted to know exactly who they were with.

That said, I know damn well that neither my mum nor my MiL would have entrusted their darling grandchildren to anyone who couldn't be 100% trusted to look after them. They were probably more cautious than me in that respect.

So no YANBU but Id broach it with them gently (or better yet get your dh to do it).

You’re not being precious in the slightest. Like you say, you have met this woman only a handful of times

I don’t stand by that supposed mn rule that you hand over decisions like this to whoever is looking after your child. No! This doesn’t sit right with me. So, some of you saying this would be happy for a babysitter to do the same? Because that’s essentially what you’re saying

The problem I’d have with this is that it was clearly planned. They had time to check with you if it was ok.

Not being precious at all. It's not their decision to make, they may trust Mary but you do not. YANBU

I'd be livid.

Tell Pil that isn't ok, you want to approve of anyone who minds your baby.

@agnurse

Please don’t compare paid professional childcare to leaving your child with a family member. It’s not the same thing at all!

You have a professional arrangement with a paid provider whilst a family member has a biological relationship/ responsibility for the child. If you as a parent leave your child with a family member you are accepting that the family member has full responsibility in your absence.

🤔 you also know that you don’t have the same clear cut agreement/ formal standards as you would at a nursery. Tbh if you’re leaving your child with family to save money and then complaining about the care they provide you’re a total CF!

I trust my PIL completely to look after DD because I know they care for her, love her, and would never do anything to harm her. Therefore when they have her I trust their decision making. If I didn't I would not leave her there.

Yes of course Mary might turn out to be very dodgy but that is no more likely than your PIL, or other family members, or someone you trust being unsafe.

Umm I wouldn't be happy with this. They should've consulted / asked you. And frankly this is the downside when it comes to family looking after your children, there are fewer boundaries than with paid childcare. When I leave DC with grandparents i can guarantee they do things i am not happy about - i.e. too much sugary food / biscuits, bedtime too late, allowing too much screen time.

I don't think it would bother me too much as you said you have met her a few times and they are a long standing friend. But if it bothers you and you feel uncomfortable with it perhaps its a time to casually discuss with your IL's. Especially so you can be confident they don't let the neices take your baby out if you don't want that to happen. use it as a tool to discuss your boundaries in a nice way.

This would bother me. But then neither of my dc were left with anyone until they were about 14mo.

Precious-to think that you have left your child with their GPs but in fact they have handed that care over to someone else?

Mary is probably fine & lovely-but surely it's OP's decision who her child is left with-not theirs?

I’d have too much respect for my pil to not trust their judgement tbh. If they messaged me to say ‘is it ok for Mary to take baby for a stroll’ I’d be baffled. You’re entitled to feel how you feel though so I’m not saying you’re unreasonable.

WTF no! I would not be happy with some random person (friend or not) being given my child to look after without my express permission.

I think you also have to be careful how you express your discomfort. If this is an oldstanding friend of your MIL, who is utterly trustworthy and probably loves her friends family as her own (I know I feel like that about my best friends family) then she will be devastated to find out you think she is untrustworthy.
I understand about wanting to know where your bb is at all times, but be kind.
My SIL once told my mother that she was uncomfortable with me looking after her 3 year old for an hour and it broke my heart that she thought I was not to be trusted. (My experience with kids was not an issue). She didn't even have the heart to tell me to my face but let my mother tell me!

Why would you not want your adult nieces looking after your DS? They sound like ideal babysitters!

I think it was probably fine, they trust Mary 100% etc BUT they definitely should have asked you if you minded and in future when they have him now how will you know if he's safely tucked up with them or in the care of someone else?

I have a number of old friends. Some of whom knew my children as babies.

I would not give them any of my DGC to look after without me, without my children being asked first.

Weird.

I wouldn't like that at all.

Hey, it wasn’t an unexpected logistics stuff-up, or an emergency. It was an appointment the PILs had made in advance. In these scenarios I’d expect to be told/asked at the time they’re making their plan.

‘We need to see our accountant on Tuesday afternoon, better if kiddo is elsewhere for this hour. We could ask Mary to take him for a stroll, or do you want to cover his care another way?’

I’d certainly talk to them about it. What would they have done if the weather was too bad for a walk? Let Mary take him to her house? What if she goes to the park on the walk- are you ok with that? He’ll be walking soon, and these things will change a lot. Safety will look very different. Have the talk now, so everyone knows your preferences.its normal to review arrangements like this every now and then, in line with the kids needs changing.

Do you trust your PIL to make sound decisions about your DS's safety while in their care? If you don't trust them you need to look for alternative child care. If you do trust them then YABU.

I trusted my parents and PIL (they would never let a doted on grandchild be harmed). It would never have occurred to me to dictate what they could or couldn't do with DS and I wouldn't expect them to consult me about how they planned to spend their day or seek my permission to do things. Thinking back, they could have taken DS2 bungee jumping and I'd probably have been okay with it. I was just grateful to have good, free, child care!