PIL letting someone else take DS out alone

[Whatdoyouthink123]

Name changes for this.

PIL very kindly look after DS (10 months old) once a week for us while we are work. Upon collection they give me a run down of the days events etc etc and casually mention... 'oh and Mary took him out for a walk'. Turns out Mary took him out by herself while PIL's financial advisor came for a meeting.

Mary is a very close long-standing friend of MIL who I've met a handful of times. Seems like an absolutely lovely women, but I don't know her overly well.

AIBU to be a bit uneasy that PIL sent DS off out alone with someone with neither of them present? PIL have known the woman for years, so I'm sure they was confident he was in safe hands - however I'm just not sure I feel comfortable with the idea of them sending him off with other people? I'd get it if there had been some sort of emergency, but it wasn't. I have always said if there is ever an issue with looking after him or a day they can't do I will very happily make other arrangements and would never want to put them out.

Am I being a bit precious or justifiably uneasy?

GreatDuckCookery

For the life of you? Really? That's weird, considering I just said what it is in my previous post to Bertrand.

You haven't explained why you would be batshit though. Only that you expect your baby to remain in the care of those supposedly looking after him/her.

I cannot get my head around someone being that angry or whatever batshit means to you, over something like this.

GreatDuckCookery

You do understand what I mean, though, by batshit? Is it that you need explaining, or do you need further justification (which I don't feel I owe you, by the way) for how I would feel? I am confused.

I can't see why you wouldn't trust your nieces. I look after my toddler nephew and baby niece and have frequently left them with my very responsible late teen/ young adult DDs while I pop and do something. They could have children themselves so I've never seen an issue. Your PIL had good enough judgement to bring up your DH, I'd trust them.

It's natural (I was very protective of my DDs when they were tiny so I get it) but I think you're being a bit precious.

Don't explain why then if you don't want. Do you even know yourself?

GreatDuckCookery

Do I know the reason, or am I acquainted with myself? Could you clarify?

“Batshit” means incandescent with rage- completely furious, probably shouting.

I really can’t imagine how that could possibly be a proportionate response to this situation. If you are a very anxious parent, I can imagine saying “Pil, I know this really isn’t rational but humor me. It worries me to think of ds being looked after by anyone but you- can you tell me if there’s ever a time that’s not possible, please. Then dp or I will come and take over”

Hmm what do you think? Odd that you can come out with such a ridiculous statement as you did but then swerve as much as possible when someone pulls you up on it.

BertrandRussell

Being an anxious parent isn't a crime. My child, my decision who looks after them. Yes, I would be furious if my PIL decided to hand over the care of my baby to somebody else without checking with me, and no, they wouldn't be doing it twice because they would no longer have sole care of him.

GreatDuckCookery

I'm not swerving it. I just thought it was an odd question: are you really asking me whether I know why I would be angry?

You sound very controlling tbh.

GreatDuckCookery

I am very controlling over who has sole care of my children. Yep.

I would be very angry if anyone I left my baby with let him out of their sight. People don't always know how to look after small babies; do they know what a baby can't eat (the older generation all think honey is good), do they know the baby's new game of pulling themselves out of the pushchair as soon as you undo the strap (very dangerous if you aren't expecting it), do they know to only put the baby feet first on their tummy down a slide, are they careful to keep the pushchair on the pavement until there are no cars (you'd be amazed how many people unused to pushchairs automatically push it forward into the road to see better), do they know his pre-cry noise where he wants a song or a hug so he won't cry, do they know his noises for when he's thirsty or hungry... I don't leave my baby with people for long at all and only if they have clear instructions, handing the baby off is bypassing that. He's mine and DH's entire world and our responsibility, so I really don't care if someone else thinks they know better because they've had other babies, or if "worst that happens he'll only cry for a bit", we make the rules and we don't want him hurt nor unnecessarily upset.

How I'd handle it is letting PIL know that I'm not comfortable with others having him without us knowing and without us having spent time going over the plan for his day and giving them pointers. I can't imagine them or my family ever doing that though, so I don't expect it to come up.

“Going over the plan for his day & pointers.”

I’ve spat my tea out laughing. If I was your dm or mil in that scenario I’d show you the door! Pay for childcare then. Ffs.

IABURQO Mary took the baby round the block in his pram! That's it.

I probably wouldn’t have minded Mary having the baby, but would expect at least a text from the grandparents to say so.

I’d be more uneasy with the general principle that if someone you trust is looking after the baby then they get to pass that responsibility on to anyone they trust without asking/notifying you. Otherwise Mary would equally be able to hand the baby over to her cousin Val, who might then need to rush away for an appointment but trusts her neighbours Sam and Alex, who... and so on. Easier all round just to say “if you need/want someone else to take him out for a while, please let us know first.”

What a strange comment @IPromiseIWontBeNaughty, I've never asked anyone to do childcare, nor will I, and somebody who assumes they know best would definitely not be left alone with my child. His grandparents want to look after him, so far they have only had him for very brief times while I'm still in the house. I won't have him needlessly upset, nor have risks taken, because his happiness is worth more than anyone else's. None of our families have complained; on the contrary they love talking about him, they're interested in how dietary advice has changed to know what he can eat, what he's up to physically now so that they can be careful of new risks, to be given ideas for how to occupy him so he's having fun etc. They don't want him to get hurt either, they love him.

The more I read threads like these the more I think thank fuck for my DIL.

@GreatDuckCookery - and maybe Mary thought he'd like to try some grapes on the walk, or put some honey on his gums for teething, or maybe Mary is a liability crossing the road, or maybe Mary thought she'd just stop in at the playground, or maybe it's his naptime and Mary thinks all babies cry themselves to sleep... We don't know Mary and haven't had a chance to check anything out about this plan.

I doubt any of those things would have happened because the PILs whom the OP trusts to look after her son has given Mary the ok to take him round the block. If they were unsure or her childcare abilities I don't think they would have let her.

You must be exhausted with all that whirling around your brain.

GreatDuckCookery

Well, people are not all the same, GreatDuck. My PIL wouldn't dream of handing over my children to a friend, so I think thank fuck for them!

The thing is, when my children go to stay with my DM in the holidays or of a Saturday, I'm passing them into DM's care. Not "DM's care or if she's busy, a good friend of hers while she does something else." I explicitly am saying "DM, you are the designated carer for my children."
She doesn't then get to choose who else will care for them while she absents herself; as their mum, I and only I get to make the decision on who cares for my kids.
In most cases if she says "Is it alright if friend takes the kids to the park while I do the grocery shop?" I'll easily say "sure, of course." But it's important to me that she checks, so that if I do have a feeling of unease or a differing judgement to her, I get the choice to vetoe. I don't really see the difference when it's a weekly arrangement, such as the OP has.
Precious? Maybe. But my mum was the same way with us as kids, so she doesn't blink at it

“and maybe Mary thought he'd like to try some grapes on the walk, or put some honey on his gums for teething, or maybe Mary is a liability crossing the road, or maybe Mary thought she'd just stop in at the playground, or maybe it's his naptime and Mary thinks all babies cry themselves to sleep... We don't know Mary and haven't had a chance to check anything out about this plan.”

Or maybe she’s a shape shifter from the planet Zargon........

But that’s a ridiculous scenario Bertrand. The others are not.

BertrandRussell

Or maybe she is a bully, or a child molester, or a secret drunk, or on strong painkillers. Point is, I am the parent and the risk of those things is for me to assess.