PIL letting someone else take DS out alone

[Whatdoyouthink123]

Name changes for this.

PIL very kindly look after DS (10 months old) once a week for us while we are work. Upon collection they give me a run down of the days events etc etc and casually mention... 'oh and Mary took him out for a walk'. Turns out Mary took him out by herself while PIL's financial advisor came for a meeting.

Mary is a very close long-standing friend of MIL who I've met a handful of times. Seems like an absolutely lovely women, but I don't know her overly well.

AIBU to be a bit uneasy that PIL sent DS off out alone with someone with neither of them present? PIL have known the woman for years, so I'm sure they was confident he was in safe hands - however I'm just not sure I feel comfortable with the idea of them sending him off with other people? I'd get it if there had been some sort of emergency, but it wasn't. I have always said if there is ever an issue with looking after him or a day they can't do I will very happily make other arrangements and would never want to put them out.

Am I being a bit precious or justifiably uneasy?

Well, people are not all the same, GreatDuck. My PIL wouldn't dream of handing over my children to a friend, so I think thank fuck for them!

What, not even someone they knew extremely well, someone they trusted, someone they knew would take care of their GC.

Why ever not? Because they know their DIL would go batshit probably.

Or maybe she is a bully, or a child molester, or a secret drunk, or on strong painkillers

And you think anyone with an ounce of sense would hand their GC over to them?

I know Mary is lovely but say while she was out there had been an emergency with your baby and she rode in an ambulance to the hospital I think you’d be very upset on your own arrival. A real “who the fuck are you?” situation.

GreatDuckCookery

I don't much care. It's not their choice.

“Or maybe she is a bully, or a child molester, or a secret drunk, or on strong painkillers. Point is, I am the parent and the risk of those things is for me to assess.”

Well, I certainly wouldn’t leave my baby with anyone who would let anyone like that take him for a walk! But she was an old family friend, well known to the baby’s father.

GreatDuckCookery

They know that when they are asked to look after their GC, I am asking them, not Mary from down the road.

BertrandRussell

Because children are never assaulted by old family friends, and people are always completely transparent about addiction issues?

Children are more likely to be abused by someone they know and that has regular alone time with them. Not some lady walking them round the block.

GreatDuckCookery

She's basically a stranger, then?

Not to the PILs no.
What do you really think could have happened by a lady taking the baby for a short time for a quick walk?

Really, what do you think could have gone on here? This is your anxiety talking.

Why ever not? Because they know their DIL would go batshit probably.
GreatDuckCookery in my case it's my DM, and she was just the same as me when raising my siblings and I. So she wouldn't dream of it, because she wouldn't have liked it as a mum. Nothing quite so dramatic as batshit DILs.

Really, what do you think could have gone on here? This is your anxiety talking.
The point imo, is simply that the OP asked the MIL and FIL to be the carers for the child. And carers (family or not,) shouldn't just pass children off to other people (even other family members who have never had the child before,) without having first checked with the parent that said person is approved by them, for now and future brief childminding. It's hardly difficult to ask, too. Just basic courtesy.

"She's basically a stranger, then?"

Not to the baby's father, no

BertrandRussell

So if the baby's father is fine with the neighbour having the child without being asked, cracking. But he isn't, is he?

GreatDuckCookery

I don't care which part of my psyche is talking. The words are still coming out of my mouth: my baby, my decision. By the way, if you tried the "anxiety" bollocks with me in order to get your own way, it would be the last time you had your GC.

“DH doesn't have an issue with yesterday,” said the OP.

If you don’t want this sort of thing to happen, that’s fine, there are nice, unconfrontational ways of talking about it so that it doesn’t.

It’s the “going batshit” that I think is wrong. And bizarre.

Obviously you're always right so I'll leave it there with you.

Still overly precious, OP.

BertrandRussell

I was going with the part where the OP said the DH was uneasy about the principle - so, in my interpretation, the fact that he trusts Mary isn't in question, but he, too, would prefer to be asked.

Anyway, it doesn't actually matter whether you find it "bizarre". The fact remains that I would be very angry if you did this.

I didn't want to mention this because it's annoying to talk about, but when I was a child my auntie left me with her partner who she trusted and he sexually assaulted me. My mum trusted her sister and nobody ever knew he was like that, but my mum went insane when she found out I was left with someone without being asked. My auntie had been with him many years and thought she knew him, but my mum didn't want me leaving with a man she hadn't had years to judge herself.

OhEctoplasmOnIt - what a horrid thing to happen to you, hugs xx

So sorry that happened to you @OhEctoplasmOnIt.

Hi All

So just finally catching up on all the comments. Some interesting points of view

DH spoke to MIL (FIL was out) - she said completely understands our point of view and wouldn't usually have let him go, but she trusts Mary and explains that it was just a one off - she said she felt he really needed a sleep and a walk round the block would do the trick. DH said he felt she knew they should have checked first. We've reiterated how much we appreciate their help and reminded them they can always say if it's getting too much or isn't convenient - so alls well that ends well.

For what it's worth, I'm comfortable that we weren't being unreasonable

For what it's worth, I'm comfortable that we weren't being unreasonable

But you were. Very. Poor grandparents.

In your opinion Nice... and in my opinion I would say calling it very unreasonable is an unreasonable statement in itself 

for some reason my winking face isn't showing up... but there was supposed to be a wink in my last post to Nice 😉