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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL letting someone else take DS out alone

179 replies

Whatdoyouthink123 · 22/10/2018 20:33

Name changes for this.

PIL very kindly look after DS (10 months old) once a week for us while we are work. Upon collection they give me a run down of the days events etc etc and casually mention... 'oh and Mary took him out for a walk'. Turns out Mary took him out by herself while PIL's financial advisor came for a meeting.

Mary is a very close long-standing friend of MIL who I've met a handful of times. Seems like an absolutely lovely women, but I don't know her overly well.

AIBU to be a bit uneasy that PIL sent DS off out alone with someone with neither of them present? PIL have known the woman for years, so I'm sure they was confident he was in safe hands - however I'm just not sure I feel comfortable with the idea of them sending him off with other people? I'd get it if there had been some sort of emergency, but it wasn't. I have always said if there is ever an issue with looking after him or a day they can't do I will very happily make other arrangements and would never want to put them out.

Am I being a bit precious or justifiably uneasy?

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 22/10/2018 22:20

I think my reaction would depend on how your Ds would react. Does he like meeting strangers. My dd1 would have screamed and cried at that age if a stranger took her for a walk.

If Ds was fine then I'd just appreciate a heads up in future.

Charolais · 22/10/2018 22:44

Turns out Mary took him out by herself while PIL's financial advisor came for a meeting

Next time they can't look after your son for the entire day, instead of them having a trusted friend take him out for an hour walk they should tell you to take your son to another sitter.

That should make you happy.

BackforGood · 22/10/2018 22:56

Also, does the OP's dh not have a voice in all this? If Mary is a 'very close, long-standing friend' of MiL, then she is hardly a stranger to the baby's father, is she. Sounds like the kind of person I would call 'Aunty Mary', even as an adult.

It is not in anyway comparable with paying a professional childcare worker to look after your child and them handing your child over. What a daft thing to suggest.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/10/2018 23:10

You’re being precious, yes.

Mary, a long standing friend who you’ve met several times, took him out for a walk in his pram for an hour, that’s all. I could kind of understand your concern if she’d had him all day as he might have been upset or confused by that...but for a walk in his pram?!

Your parents are feeding into this notion that you need to give permission for perfectly ordinary things to take place. It’s properly OTT for them to be asking if it’s ok for them to go about their normal daily lives. Madness.

Perhaps you’ve not long been back at work and that’s a hard transition, but really, save your ‘having a word’ for if something major is a problem, Mary taking DS for a walk isn’t one of those things. Truly it’s not.

Peachpie14 · 23/10/2018 00:01

I’d go mad at this. YANBU You entrusted your dc into their care not their friends. They should’ve of asked you first and at least gave you the choice with who your dc was being left with.

OhEctoplasmOnIt · 23/10/2018 00:10

Yanbu. Everyone can say you're being precious, but you Dont know this woman.
My mil didn't notice for ages that her friend had dementia and let our son be looked after by her without my permission. She was not capable of looking after my son.

feelsicksicksick · 23/10/2018 00:12

I would hit the roof! You trusted your pils to look after your baby. They don't get to decide who is trustworthy of taking your baby out!

If this was me they would never, ever, ever be looking after my baby again! EVER!

Original poster
Whatdoyouthink123 · 23/10/2018 05:46

Skittlesandbeer - I hadn't thought about when he's walking, you raise a very good point. I would feel even less comfortable with the idea of him being out with someone he doesn't know and could run away from!

I can't quite work out the scenario of events... why Mary was at the house when the FA was there? Unless she just popped in. DH and I have discussed and he says he trusts Mary - and I trust his judgement, so I just think a 2 min conversation would have done the trick. DH doesn't have an issue with yesterday, but is a uneasy about the general principle (would not be happy with the nieces either).

I guess what it boils down to is that we love them looking after him as he gets to spend time with his grandparents and has lots of one to one attention (he's in nursery 2 days a week so this balances nicely). However, we aren't asking them to make 'judgements' in the wider sense ie who looks after him....

OP posts:
WindyScales · 23/10/2018 06:01

If you leave your child in the care of a family member/friend (not a professional you are paying) then you are handing over choices like this to them!

You are putting your trust in them to act as loco parentus in your absence. If you don’t 100% trust them to make decisions don’t leave your child with them

🔝 this

I’m afraid when you don’t pay for childcare you will need to have different expectations about the care your child will receive.

Original poster
Whatdoyouthink123 · 23/10/2018 06:08

I’m afraid when you don’t pay for childcare you will need to have different expectations about the care your child will receive.

Hmmm Interesting windyscales... now I know you can't compare babies and animals , but when we look after their dog we do as they ask. I wouldn't let anyone else take their dog out in case something happened... in fact they are really quite precious about their dog, so I can't imagine it would go down very well with them

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdoyouthink123 · 23/10/2018 06:10

Also re loco parentis... we live in a modern age, DH and I are contactable virtually 24/7 so I'm not sure I subscribe to the idea of passing all parental responsibility to them really... time for a discussion me thinks

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdoyouthink123 · 23/10/2018 06:18

Ah ok perhaps I have misunderstood loco parentis... but even so, my feelings still stand

OP posts:
Fightthebear · 23/10/2018 06:23

YANBU

I wouldn’t entrust a 10 month old to someone I didn’t know and trust. I would also not want my child to be upset and confused about being with a stranger.

When they get mobile you need to confident that the person giving childcare can keep up with them and will be sufficiently vigilant.

I’m baffled by the idea that because you’re not paying for childcare you don’t have any say in what happens to your child. Does child protection only kick in when we pay?

I’d have a gentle word and say you’d like a discussion before care is handed over to anyone else.

Blondebakingmumma · 23/10/2018 06:32

You are NOT BU!
One of my MIL’s close friends of many many years husband is in jail for being inappropriate with children. You know nothing about your MIL’s friend who took your baby out. It wasn’t her choice to make

Fightthebear · 23/10/2018 06:32

The loco parentis thing is a red herring:-

a) this is not a discussion about the legal powers of the PILs,
b) loco parentis doesn’t mean people can do whatever they want anyway.

user838383 · 23/10/2018 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JellyBears · 23/10/2018 07:05

It sounds fine to me, they had a financial advisory over so instead of having your child bored they had him/her entertained by a very good friend of theirs so I assume you know her or have met her. I think your being a bit precious in this situation sorry.

BertrandRussell · 23/10/2018 07:09

If she's a long standing friend of mli's, presumably your dh knows her? So not a random stranger!

NicePieceOfPlaid · 23/10/2018 07:13

YAB very precious. If she's a friend of many years then your PiL's know she's trustworthy.

greenlynx · 23/10/2018 07:19

I wouldn’t like it, it was not an emergency so they could ask you in advance. I think your DH should discuss this with them , it’s a matter of principle. It also will give him opportunity to mention nieces, something like: we don’t automatically trust people to look after our DC just because they are family and friends, e.g. name of the nieces are quite old but I don’t think they mature enough and wouldn’t leave DC with them.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 23/10/2018 07:21

If longstanding friend then dh must know her? Ask him If he thinks it’s ok. If you don’t want your PIL to make normal decisions then find alternative care. Your parents way of doing things would have driven mine mad. They are grandparents not paid childcare!

justpaintit · 23/10/2018 07:29

I am lucky enough to have some lovely, totally trustworthy, sensible friends but I would always ask DD if she was ok about one of them taking DD out before I went ahead and arranged it. PIL would have known in advance of financial appointment so presumably had time to check it out with you beforehand. I’m sure Mary is lovely but imo it’s not the point.

justpaintit · 23/10/2018 07:30

Taking DGD out that should have been

Llanali · 23/10/2018 07:38

Completely agree with @smallchanceofrain

*Do you trust your PIL to make sound decisions about your DS's safety while in their care? If you don't trust them you need to look for alternative child care. If you do trust them then YABU.

I trusted my parents and PIL (they would never let a doted on grandchild be harmed). It would never have occurred to me to dictate what they could or couldn't do with DS and I wouldn't expect them to consult me about how they planned to spend their day or seek my permission to do things*

0lgaDaPolga · 23/10/2018 07:40

I wouldn’t be happy with this either. It wasn’t an emergency, they could have asked you in advance. Just because they are looking after him doesn’t mean they get to make decisions on your behalf. I don’t get why some people on here seem to think if you get free childcare you automatically give up any say on what happens to your child while you aren’t there. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it but I would have a word with your pil to say that in future you’d prefer a heads up if they aren’t able to look after your son and you’d prefer to make other arrangements yourself.

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