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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL letting someone else take DS out alone

179 replies

Whatdoyouthink123 · 22/10/2018 20:33

Name changes for this.

PIL very kindly look after DS (10 months old) once a week for us while we are work. Upon collection they give me a run down of the days events etc etc and casually mention... 'oh and Mary took him out for a walk'. Turns out Mary took him out by herself while PIL's financial advisor came for a meeting.

Mary is a very close long-standing friend of MIL who I've met a handful of times. Seems like an absolutely lovely women, but I don't know her overly well.

AIBU to be a bit uneasy that PIL sent DS off out alone with someone with neither of them present? PIL have known the woman for years, so I'm sure they was confident he was in safe hands - however I'm just not sure I feel comfortable with the idea of them sending him off with other people? I'd get it if there had been some sort of emergency, but it wasn't. I have always said if there is ever an issue with looking after him or a day they can't do I will very happily make other arrangements and would never want to put them out.

Am I being a bit precious or justifiably uneasy?

OP posts:
RPC28 · 23/10/2018 14:32

I think in that situation. Would of wanted your pil to at least give you a quick call to check it was ok for her to take him out considering he is your child but then you do know her. Maybe just say next time could he ring you to double check it's ok

coconutpie · 23/10/2018 14:50

YANBU AT ALL. Or being precious. It's your baby. I would have been furious if some person had taken my baby out for a walk without my permission. PIL were way out of line. Also, just because they provide some childcare that doesn't given them the right to overrule your wishes.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/10/2018 14:52

I think that while logically I'd be fine, and I can see why people are OK with it, I'd actually be a bit uneasy. How many times on mums net have previously long standing friends starred acting in awful ways? They know her well but they may not know her friends well. She may not have told them about any health issues. She may be one of those people who do things like weaning a baby at 12 weeks, and put them to sleep on their tummy, because that's how it was done in her day and didn't do her kids any harm. Any number of things that tend to make people on mums net mad.

Some of these examples are a bit extreme and an hours walk in the pram is likely to be fine. But it's where they draw the line and the fact they haven't told you...would they ever leave the child with her or anyone else for longer periods or at their house which may not be baby proofed or trust them to give him a meal etc? I think I'd want some reassurance about where their boundaries lay

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 23/10/2018 14:55

I think you are being a bit precious but not really. fence splinters up arse

He was fine and there was no risk to him but he's your baby and you don't really know her. I wouldn't say anything as he was perfectly safe but it's not wrong to feel a bit uncomfortable. Give it a couple of years and you'll cheer silently when auntie Mary takes him off your hands for a bit.

Veterinari · 23/10/2018 14:55

If they had called you to check, what would you have said? What would you knowing have changed?

Rhondacross · 23/10/2018 16:28

"What if she is a shape shifter from the planet Zargon who has been waiting 30 years for the opportunity to capture a human baby and beam it back to Zargon as the first in an army of humanoid mercenary soldiers dedicated to Universal Domination?"

Oh thank you, I enjoyed that so much!

BertrandRussell · 23/10/2018 16:38

"I'd be really unhappy about it if I hadn't met her . If you're precious, I'm precious too."
The OP has met her "a handful of times" And, as she is a longstanding family friend, it is reasonable to assume that the baby's father knows her well.

bubbles108 · 23/10/2018 18:12

I think Mary may be fine, but who else might PIL think is fine? I'd want clarification

Original poster
Whatdoyouthink123 · 23/10/2018 20:40

Hi All

Thanks for the many and varied replies. To clarify I have met Mary and DH has known her for years - had it been mentioned before DH says he would be comfortable with it, and I trust his judgement and would have been fine too. Mary isn’t really this issue - more that he was given to someone else without a discussion/mention to us first. DH has found out a bit more about the sequence of events... DS was being a bit grumpy so Mary offered to walk him round the block to try and get him off to sleep - essentially she was just being helpful, as were PIL not asking us to swap days etc. That said, we have decided to gently say we’d rather he stayed with one of them in future, DH feels the same.

For those who think I am being precious and playing devils advocate - what if Mary had done something we weren’t happy with, for example smoked around DS when he has had a number nasty chesty coughs and suspected asthma? Would you feel that as they were ‘in charge’ Of him at that moment, we just have to accept it?

Re the nieces - it’s not their age I take issue with but their maturity. They are very immature and I wouldn’t trust them with my house plant let alone my baby!!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 23/10/2018 22:25

.......but you know your PiLs, and, if you trust them, then you know they wouldn't send your LO off with a chain smoking stranger - that's what people are trying to say.

Re the nieces - it’s not their age I take issue with but their maturity. They are very immature and I wouldn’t trust them with my house plant let alone my baby!

tbf, I can't keep a house plant alive, and I've managed to raise 3 dc to adulthood.

OhEctoplasmOnIt · 23/10/2018 22:45

I trust my pil to look after my son on their own, but no I don't trust their judgement with their friends, I'm not psychic. Luckily I don't rely on either of our parents for childcare, they ask to look after my kids to spend time with them, so if they did this I'd just tell them to never do it again.

OhEctoplasmOnIt · 23/10/2018 23:01

And no, you don't have to just suck it up when someone is looking after your child, my kids don't eat meat... I wouldn't accept my mil giving my son meat just because she wanted to and he was in her care.

tillytrotter1 · 23/10/2018 23:54

Tillytrotter123

Oi, thought I was an original!

Original poster
Whatdoyouthink123 · 24/10/2018 05:32

Backforgood - I didn’t say a ‘chain smoking stranger’ though. I made the suggestion about Mary - PIL have close friends who smoke so could have easily been one of them. To me it’s common sense not to smoke around a baby let alone one with chest issues - but I’ve seen plenty of people smoking around babies so clearly not everyone thinks that way.

Forgive me if I am misunderstanding, but you’re saying I need to just trust my PILs judgement but challenge my own re our nieces- who I have known for years also?

The nieces are not the point of this thread - I could give you plenty of reasons why they would not be appropriate. I would absolutely question the judgement of my PIL if they left DS with them - DH would hit the roof DS had been left with them.

OP posts:
reforder · 24/10/2018 06:37

Scary amount of lax parents on here! I have a baby the same age OP and I would not be one bit impressed with this. My DM looks after my two and would never, ever hand over their care to anyone else. Your DS was “grumpy” which in my book makes it worse as he was more likely to get upset.

I think you’re right to gently mention it to them. And no way would I let a teenager mind my baby either so I would reiterate that too!

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 24/10/2018 06:59

Lax parents! Ffs! Luckily I have one adult dc & one teen so I think as a ‘lax’ parent I’ve done fine!

So Mary was being helpful then... & your dh wouldn’t have minded...

No wonder so many in laws struggle with their dils.

shirleyschmidt · 24/10/2018 07:30

Sorry OP but I'm coming down on the 'precious' side. You've met Mary yourself a few times and your DH actually KNOWS her. She took your child for a walk while your PIL had an appointment, she wasn't out for the whole day quad-biking with him. Given their son is obviously perfectly fine with Mary I honestly can't think why it would occur to your PIL that it might be any sort of issue for you. If you trust your in-laws to have your child, you should be able to trust their wisdom and discretion in one-offs like this. If there are repeats you may want to reconsider the situation but as it stands you should let this one go, or risk looking very awkward.

Thisreallyisafarce · 24/10/2018 08:33

I would go batshit. You are absolutely not being precious.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/10/2018 08:38

Be careful you don't offend your inlaws with this OP, you're indirectly saying that they haven't the wits about them not to let DS go off with someone unsuitable.

If you need them for childcare think on as this could backfire.

BertrandRussell · 24/10/2018 08:40

Oh ffs. You would go “batshit” because an old family friend your baby’s father knows well and that you have met “a handful of times” took your baby for a walk round the block in his pram? Don’t be ridiculous.

GabriellaMontez · 24/10/2018 08:44

They should have mentioned it to you first.

Or just rearranged their meeting. It's not like they have your baby everyday.

Thisreallyisafarce · 24/10/2018 08:51

BertrandRussell

You are quite free to find it ridiculous. I am quite free to expect my child to remain in the care of the people who have said they will look after him. I couldn't care less how that goes down with anybody else.

JustJoinedRightNow · 24/10/2018 08:52

I don’t think you were being precious about this OP. I understand all the rational explanations for why other posters would feel ok with this, but I wouldn’t. YANBU

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/10/2018 08:58

Thisreallyisafarce what is it about this situation that would make you go batshit? A long standing family friend of your husbands, someone your PILs think a lot of and are very close to, someone you've met and have had no problem with.

What is it with her taking your baby for a stroll to stop him being grumpy would make so angry?

Because I can't for the life of me work it out.

Notverygrownup · 24/10/2018 09:00

Look on this as a positive OP. Today has worked out OK, and is no biggie, but it has made you both realise that you would not be happy with this arrangement once your dc is walking and that you don't know whether your PILs would leave your dc with anyone else, eg a neice or a smoking friend.

You can now have a conversation with your PILs, which you didn't realise that you needed to have, before something happens. That's a lot less stressful than having to have a conversation after finding out that something that you really hate, has happened.

Best of luck. Hopefully their dog caring instructions will give you a framework for helping them see that you are not interfering, but be careful, as some people providing free childcare can be offended if they feel that you are criticising their childcare. Make it very very clear that you are delighted that your dc is spending time with their grandparents and that you really really appreciate them having him, as well as clarifying expectations for when he is older.

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