AIBU?
about my close friend's attitude towards my DP
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 10:22
I'm starting to get a bit fucked off with my best friend about the way she acts around my DP. I've been friends with her since childhood and been with DP 6 years - everything was fine until she split with her ex earlier this year, but ever since she's been single she's started making life awkward.
She claims to not like my DP - quite vocal about this when he isn't around, and I've seen the things she says about him to our mutual friends, not nice at all. Of course he's not perfect and neither is our relationship, but I'm happy, I love him, and we're a good team through all the trials of life. I don't ever moan about him to her because there's no point stoking the fire. This is difficult enough to deal with and I do try and see her as often as possible without him present. However it gets weirder when she's around him.
When she's around him there is no hint of these feelings. She is affectionate, draws him into chats about her personal/sex life and essentially tries to single him out for conversation. She can be like this with a lot of men, and becomes overtly sexual in their presence - we just accept this as part of her complex personality.
I think it really bothers me that she pretends not to like him, but really she just doesn't like me being with him. She really wanted me to dump him when she dumped her ex, I think so that we could be single together and work through the breakups together, and she hasn't really ever got over trying to convince me to leave him.
I'm starting to really resent spending time around the both of them because I don't understand what her game is and it really sets me on edge. I wish she could just support ME in what I want to do, even if she doesn't like him much, instead of trying to force some closeness with him while spitting poison about him/my relationship behind his back.
I think she wants me to choose between them but I can't get my head around what she's doing and I don't know how to handle this.
themuttsnutts · 22/10/2018 10:28
Your friend is way out of line.
I'd start with telling her how this makes you feel.
If no joy, put some distance between you.
Is she like this with anyone else but you?
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 10:40
I'm not the first friend she's got a bit possessive of and disapproved of their relationship. She didn't like the last guy our other friend was seeing, but she slept with him which obviously meant our friend dumped him. He was clearly a scumbag though and I'm not sure if that's the point she was making when she decided to have sex with him.
MayFayner · 22/10/2018 10:40
I find as I get older I have less and less patience with “complex personalities”.
If you don’t act like a friend, then you’re not my friend. That’s it for me really.
ElfID · 22/10/2018 10:41
Ditch her.
I had a friend like this.
Manipulative, divisive, game player.
themuttsnutts · 22/10/2018 10:42
It sounds as if she'll do the same to you . She's no friend
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 10:43
DP is pretty terrified of her. She's influenced a lot of our wider social circle against him which has included some lies fabrications about him. He is extremely helpful and careful around her, which I think is how he ends up sitting and nodding politely when she drags him off to tell him about her recent romantic and sexual exploits.
Thehop · 22/10/2018 10:43
She’s going to try to sleep with your fella because she either fancies him or wants you single.
She’s jealous at best and a potential nut job most likely.
Talk to your fella about it and distance yourself massively x
tillytoodles1 · 22/10/2018 10:44
Sounds like my daughter's "friend". She now lives with my daughter's ex husband. Beware.
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 10:46
She really does mean the world to me and we were thick as thieves with her and her ex, we were all really close. It never used to be like this. I'm so gutted this is happening, I think she is resentful that I'm still with him and she's single, and I think she is a bit insecure that she can't have my full attention (or my boyfriends... when she is usually very good at getting men's attention)
Forgotmycoat · 22/10/2018 10:48
She slept with your mutual friend's bf???? Have I undersood this correctly?? So she has form for stealing friend's partners? And you're still friends with this woman???
You sound very naive op. She's making a play for your dp. She talks about her sex life with him... that's way beyond normal boundaries. She wants him for herself or at the very least to split the 2 of you up. What will take for you to end this friendship?
pandarific · 22/10/2018 10:50
She has personality red flags all over, op. You said it yourself you can't trust her. She could really damage your life - is it worth it?
You don't have to go full NC in a dramatic way - but you can be careful and you can cool things with her. And when she notices and asks why, you can be honest and point to her behaviour. It might help her in the long run.
Forgotmycoat · 22/10/2018 10:51
Stop hanging out with her. Stop subjecting your dp to this manipulative woman.
End this friendship. How can you be friends with someone who denigrates your partner to your wider social circle? I would have gone nuclear over that and ended the friendship long ago.
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 22/10/2018 10:51
I was giving her the benefit of the doubt until you said she'd been causing trouble with your friendship circle by making up lies. It's one thing to have issues with men or couples and not like someone. Unless he has done something to her directly, trying to lose someone their friendships while being nice to their face and lying about them behind their back is plain nasty and there is no excuse for this, I'd ask her to tell the truth to your mutual friends and if she doesn't I'd distance myself from her
Singlenotsingle · 22/10/2018 10:51
Why do you find yourself in situations where they're together? Keep them separate. I'd be a bit worried that she's got her eye on him tbh. It sounds like "methinks the lady doth protest too much" if she's loud in her dislike when he's not there but flirty-flirty when he's around.
PositivelyPERF · 22/10/2018 10:52
Get her out if your life, OP, because she will destroy your marriage if you don’t. If she doesn’t have sex with your husband, she’s still going to imply to others that she has. What’s more important, pandering to this selfish fuck or protecting your marriage?
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 10:53
It's really reassuring to read this when I felt like I was going mad. Last week I saw texts from her to our mutual friend calling my DP every name under the sun and saying "am I expected to act like I can tolerate him" but when we all met up for dinner a couple of hours later it was a completely different story and I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 10:55
I don't actually know what she's said about things
I just know that DP has been rejected by a few mutual friends when he tries to make plans because they've "heard bad things" which certainly haven't come from me, and he really hasn't ever done anything which would warrant that reaction
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/10/2018 10:57
She sounds positively toxic.
I would cut her off to be honest. Have you ever called her out on why she's slagging your DP off to all and sundry?
TheVonTrappFamilySwingers · 22/10/2018 10:57
She's influenced a lot of our wider social circle against him which has included some lies fabrications about him
What is wrong with you? She is no friend. Stop all contact with her, Honestly!
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 10:58
I do try and keep them separate as much as possible but this is alienating my DP from a friendship group which was originally his before it was hers or anyone else's and it's really starting to get him down.
placebobebo · 22/10/2018 10:59
She's going to try to sleep with him. As she has already prepared the groundwork with your friendship circle about him being a terrible person if he turns her down she may get desperate enough to claim he tried it on with her or sexually assaulted her if she's really clutching straws.
Be very careful, distance yourself from her and tell your DP to never be with her without witnesses.
krustykittens · 22/10/2018 10:59
OP, why the fuck is this woman your friend?! She slept with a mutual's friends partner, she slags off your DP every opportunity she gets and you say she has turned mutual friends against him with lies?! If I was your DP I would be asking YOU where your loyalties lie and why you are not standing up for someone you claim to love. Tell her to fuck off and why and work on your relationship! If my DH allowed someone to do this to me, I would be questioning the whole marriage!
BooEekCackle · 22/10/2018 11:00
Why aren't you sticking up for your partner about what has been said?
A friend doesn't break up relationships, they support no matter what.
She wants to shag your bloke but probably won't want him afterwards and won't care that you were her friend.
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