about my close friend's attitude towards my DP

[ffffffffsake]

I'm starting to get a bit fucked off with my best friend about the way she acts around my DP. I've been friends with her since childhood and been with DP 6 years - everything was fine until she split with her ex earlier this year, but ever since she's been single she's started making life awkward.

She claims to not like my DP - quite vocal about this when he isn't around, and I've seen the things she says about him to our mutual friends, not nice at all. Of course he's not perfect and neither is our relationship, but I'm happy, I love him, and we're a good team through all the trials of life. I don't ever moan about him to her because there's no point stoking the fire. This is difficult enough to deal with and I do try and see her as often as possible without him present. However it gets weirder when she's around him.

When she's around him there is no hint of these feelings. She is affectionate, draws him into chats about her personal/sex life and essentially tries to single him out for conversation. She can be like this with a lot of men, and becomes overtly sexual in their presence - we just accept this as part of her complex personality.

I think it really bothers me that she pretends not to like him, but really she just doesn't like me being with him. She really wanted me to dump him when she dumped her ex, I think so that we could be single together and work through the breakups together, and she hasn't really ever got over trying to convince me to leave him.

I'm starting to really resent spending time around the both of them because I don't understand what her game is and it really sets me on edge. I wish she could just support ME in what I want to do, even if she doesn't like him much, instead of trying to force some closeness with him while spitting poison about him/my relationship behind his back.

I think she wants me to choose between them but I can't get my head around what she's doing and I don't know how to handle this.

[LordDavos]

OP she sounds like an absolutely awful cunt.

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

Actually yes. I am far less dazzling and am the kind to have a handful of close friends from here and there, the group dynamic isn’t my thing and I’m very much on the periphery. A few close friends is good. Much better than a shallow friendship group dominated by a narcissist. I'm guessing you all met at university and are now mid-20s? It's fine to acknowledge that adolescence is over now and move on with your lives.

[JessieLemon]

I will definitely be drifting away but it’s not like that might magically cure her attitude and end the character assassinations. I’m protective of DP and that’s why I was confused to see her singling him out just hours after her texts about him/us.

Keep your enemies closer eh OP?

[Noqont]

I had a friend like this. I was friends with her for years, but she became so utterly toxic that I had to dump her and the friendship group. I felt so much more peaceful after this. Funnily enough the whole group drifted after that. I guess they couldn't deal with the toxic behaviour either.

[ffffffffsake]

Yes I’m on the periphery with “few genuine friends” - lovely, wonderful friends who are nothing to do with this circus I might add, but the rest of the group are DP’s close friends

[JessieLemon]

You’re not a helpless leaf being blown around in this toxic wind ya know OP.

[theodoracrainsgloves]

This is all adding up to really bad news in my book, OP.

You've had a bad year in your relationship with your DP

• he still wants to socialise and be matey with your so-called BF despite being wary of her
  
• her making a beeline for him at events and being flirty and raising sexual topics that make you feel uncomfortable
  
• slagging off so you'll dump him and talking about you being single again
  = maybe you should consider that something's already going on between them??

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

They're DP's close friends but they're not defending him when she slags him off or taking issue with her efforts to break up his relationship? He needs new, less shit, close friends.

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

Alternatively, they're already shagging and everyone knows it but you.

[JamPasty]

OP, despite what you say, you're not protective of your DP at all. You're sitting there letting her savage his reputation and friendships and doing nothing. Is he not worth more loyalty from you?

[OrdinarySnowflake]

OP - I have been in the situation before where everyone in a group was worried about upsetting one person who was the "alpha/lynchpin" of the friendship group, certain that they'd lose the whole friendship group if they cut them out.

Turns out, that when said lynchpin went away for 6 months for an educational course in another town, the rest of the friendship group carried on fine without them. Nights out, even weekends away that hadn't happened before. Other people taking 'ownership' of arranging stuff for the group without feeling the alpha needed buy in. When they came back, it wasn't at the same level of importance, suddenly noone was scared of caling them out on their shit or leaving them out, and eventually they drifted away.

You are probably all giving this woman too much power over the group.

Start with the one who already has been shitted on by alpha friend, the friend who's boyfriend was slept with. While the boyfriend was clearly trash, no true friend would take him up on the offer, and so it's clear to you both alpha woman doesn't really like cheated on friend. see her alone and say about the prblems you've been having with alpha.

Stop seeing Alpha 1-2-1, only in the group.

I'm interested in the friend who showed you the nasty texts from Alpha, do you think they are doing that because they also don't like alpha's behaviour? That they showed you suggest they think she's more in the wrong than your DP. Ask them to watch how alpha is with your DP, does she act like she thinks of him like that when she's with him?

You might well find most of the group is doing the same thing, tip toeing around alpha friend because they don't want to be cut out of the friendship group, but bottom line, noone would be all that upset if she stopped hanging out with them.

And stop calling her your friend, she's no friend of yours. She's someone who uses you and you support when her mental health is bad. But is not actually your friend.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I've skipped a few pages but seriously how old are you all? "I have to be her friend else the others won't be my friend"

Tell her you're aware she's slagging him off so in the interest of your friendship you'd prefer she just avoided him at group get together and you'll ask him to do the same. You don't INVITE him, he is part of the group. That isn't going to change but no reason she has to make herself uncomfortable going out of her way to talk to him.
If she makes a beeline for him, go over and tell him X was looking for him or join in the conversation or ask her to come to the bar with you etc.

If she kicks off tell her that you don't want to lose her friendship but this is your partner who you one day plan to marry / have kids with / sail the seven seas raising bengal tigers with and you are not breaking up with him.

If there's people in the group you want to see, invite them out separately.

If your friends decide they can't be your friend if you fall out with other friend then they aren't actually friends.

[MortyVicar]

They are NOT DP's close friends if they are dumping him and saying they've heard bad things about him just because she's chosen to slag him off. In fact they're pretty appalling friends who, like you, are prepared to throw him under a bus because she's made herself more important to them/they daren't upset her in all her shining star glory.

I stared out with more sympathy for you than I've got now, because you're making it clear that you won't do anything to stand up for your DP of six years. Yes he's an adult and can make decisions for himself, but saying that you're just putting it all onto him. He is more than entitled to believe that you will have his back and choose to support him, adult or not. And that you will show that you're choosing him by your attitude and actions towards her.

Stop making excuses and giving explanations. You have to choose. If you're going to choose her over him, then do it. But don't keep hanging on to him while she slags him off and makes him feel uncomfortable. Do the decent thing and let him go.

[ffffffffsake]

Yeah, sure, definitely, they're at it like rabbits every time I blink and everyone's laughing at my weak pathetic self, aren't they

Serves me right for allowing my friend to become turbulent after a breakup and allowing DP to be passive and not maintain his friendships properly, for I am woman and all blame lies on my shoulders

[Gabilan]

It's been a rocky year but no infidelities or betrayals and nothing we can't fix or work past.

You'd get it fixed a lot faster if you both got away from this woman.

[Doonewanker]

You're getting angry at the wrong people, OP.

[SerenDippitty]

How can you possibly still want to be friends with her when she has told lies about your DP?

[ffffffffsake]

@SleepingStandingUp

Thank you for the utterly sensible advice. I do think friend2 is getting wise, it was her who showed me the texts. She was mid argument about something completely different with friend1 because F1 was being an arse as per. Insults about DP / my relationship were almost certainly a deflection.

I couldn't give less of a shiny shit about the rest of the group bar friend2, they're just drinking buddies to me. But they are DP's friends and he would mourn them if I made the executive decision to sever the both of us from all of them, which due to his passivity and my lack of a bond to these people, is what would happen if I had some massive falling out with F1, which again is what would happen if I started some kind of confrontation - because SHE expects my loyalty to be to her and she would cause a huge fuss if she got clued up to me distancing her "for DP".

[theodoracrainsgloves]

I don't think anyone's saying it's your fault, OP. The overwhelming advice is, in fact, to watch your back.

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

Oh give over OP, no one is blaming you. This woman is awful and your life will be happier if you cut her, and any friends that condone her behaviour, out of it.

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

I imagine friend 2 showed the texts because the pattern is the same as last time. She's warning you.

[ffffffffsake]

She's a frighteningly intense person and although it may sound unbelievable here, it's becoming apparent that there are more people under her influence than I could ever counter

I will be putting my energy into my relationship and healthy friendships from now on and I hope to god that I somehow find the strength to stand up the next time F1 drops a bullshit bomb on our lives.

[LifesABeachCoaster]

This woman is after your DP

[theodoracrainsgloves]

I'm curious: have you actually asked your DP outright why he wants to stay on friendly terms with a woman who seems hellbent on destroying his reputation and his relationship and forcing him out of his own friendship group?

[ffffffffsake]

Yeah I think she might be after him. Not because she wants him. She uses and disposes of men. She wants him to validate her for being super attractive and very importantly, more attractive than me. That would justify keeping me in her shadow where I belong, teach me a lesson for not following her guidance, and ensure that she can become the dominant relationship in my life just like before I met DP and she met her ex.