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Original poster

about my close friend's attitude towards my DP

200 replies

ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 10:22

I'm starting to get a bit fucked off with my best friend about the way she acts around my DP. I've been friends with her since childhood and been with DP 6 years - everything was fine until she split with her ex earlier this year, but ever since she's been single she's started making life awkward.

She claims to not like my DP - quite vocal about this when he isn't around, and I've seen the things she says about him to our mutual friends, not nice at all. Of course he's not perfect and neither is our relationship, but I'm happy, I love him, and we're a good team through all the trials of life. I don't ever moan about him to her because there's no point stoking the fire. This is difficult enough to deal with and I do try and see her as often as possible without him present. However it gets weirder when she's around him.

When she's around him there is no hint of these feelings. She is affectionate, draws him into chats about her personal/sex life and essentially tries to single him out for conversation. She can be like this with a lot of men, and becomes overtly sexual in their presence - we just accept this as part of her complex personality.

I think it really bothers me that she pretends not to like him, but really she just doesn't like me being with him. She really wanted me to dump him when she dumped her ex, I think so that we could be single together and work through the breakups together, and she hasn't really ever got over trying to convince me to leave him.

I'm starting to really resent spending time around the both of them because I don't understand what her game is and it really sets me on edge. I wish she could just support ME in what I want to do, even if she doesn't like him much, instead of trying to force some closeness with him while spitting poison about him/my relationship behind his back.

I think she wants me to choose between them but I can't get my head around what she's doing and I don't know how to handle this.

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 22/10/2018 14:25

Grey rock is 100% the way forward.

Glad to see you sounding confident about this, OP. Don't beat yourself up, it sounds like she is quite manipulative and once you get sucked into that dynamic, it's easy to lose perspective on how normal relationships operate.

I'm sorry you have to lose a friendship of many years. It's easy for us to tell you to ditch her, but I'm sure you have happy memories of your time together and it will be hard to turn your back on that. Just remember that this will be better for you in the long run and keep grey rocking!

SleepingStandingUp · 22/10/2018 14:28

DP probably wouldn't have much to do with the group if it weren't for me
Then that's his choice. You aren't his mamma sorting out a nice play date for a 5 yo.

Gemini69 · 22/10/2018 14:31

He was hurt to hear about the texts, he thought that they had turned a corner and that she had decided to accept him again

I agree with the PP..... this statement speaks volumes and would worry me... Hmm

I would be removing my family from this 'alleged' group of friends... something isn't right in the group and I wouldn't want to be a part of it in any way....

you need to focus on your own Family unit... instead of prioritising the feelings of the village bike..over your DP .. even he now believes he NEEDS her approval ... seriously WTF Hmm

Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 14:35

It’s dicficult to explain. She’s always had a strong personality but not necessarily a dominant one, until her breakup. Our lives were in sync up until that point, growing up together. It’s just been the last 9 months or so where she’s become so explosive and unpredictable and has been lashing out, with both me and F2 doing what we can to keep her happy or at least not destructive, which clearly didn’t work anyway.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 22/10/2018 15:17

Be more invested in your DP and family unit, and less invested in the doings and sayings of your so-called friend. It"ll begin to look as if you're colluding with her soon. Misplaced loyalties at play here.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/10/2018 15:28

You need the Freedom Program. Does it work for abusive friendships?

Stop trying to make her happy. You wont ever make her happy. There will always be someone that she wants. How far are willing to let it go?

Graphista · 22/10/2018 16:27

I'm absolutely stunned not only that you haven't called this complete manipulative bitch out! But that you (plural) aren't reasonably expecting HIS friends to be more bloody loyal!

Honestly? With the benefit of 46 years life experience and of a few people like this? (Including a relative) I'd confront her in public - with dps backing and get it all out in the open.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Bleach the bitch!!

She WILL have been playing silly buggers in other people's business too - which you already know.

You really have nothing to lose except cowardly disloyal "friends" and you can make more friends!

List all the shit she's pulled and say you're done! And that's why!

Do it in an assertive, clear, calm way and don't allow her to manipulate your emotions.

Then step back and let any of the group who want to be TRUE friends come to you (plural -man the English language is annoying sometimes).

"You are probably all giving this woman too much power over the group." Absolutely! She's playing a VERY good game of divide and conquer! Never mind narc I think it's entirely possible she's a sociopath.

Question - she knew him before you guys were together I think, did she ever flirt with or back stab him then do you know? I suspect not.

Personally I think grey rock may work with your "average narc" but I think it'll make her ramp up significantly.

Gemini69 · 22/10/2018 16:32

Yip.. what Graphista says... with bells on... Grin

Lizzie48 · 22/10/2018 16:39

She's definitely not a real friend to you. Some friendships are toxic and if you've been friends for many years, it can be very hard to see it. I had a so-called 'best friend' who was toxic to me. She borrowed money from me which she never paid back, and, during a period of 3 weeks when she was living with us, she started behaving inappropriately around my DH, texting him to complain about me, confiding intimate stuff to him whilst in a state of undress.

I can see now, several years later, that she wasn't capable of being a true friend. I felt that I had to persevere because of her MH issues, but it became all give on my part and take on hers.

You and your DH need to cut yourself loose from this.

Heuschrecke · 22/10/2018 17:27

"DP probably wouldn't have much to do with the group if it weren't for me". I thought you said, upthread, that the friendship group was originally DP's?

But why do you keep agologising, or making excuses for this woman Confused?

Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 17:32

Yes they are his friends from years back but he’s been pretty lazy with staying in touch so we usually see most of them via my friend when there’s shared plans

I want to believe there are excuses because she’s only been like this recently. I don’t apologise for her but I’ll let her know when an apology is due when I see her being out of line.

OP posts:
Troels · 22/10/2018 17:33

You might want to believe that you are all adults and act independantly and be all grown up about everything, but she is playing you all, pulling the strings like some twisted puppetmaster. Dump her, no need to "phase her out" Appologise to F2 for not helping her get rid of the puppetmaster and save her relationship, F1 clearly orchestrated the whole mess and is about to phase you (or your DP) out like poor F2's boyfriend.

Heuschrecke · 22/10/2018 17:46

"but I’ll let her know when an apology is due when I see her being out of line."

So her shagging someone else's DP previously isn't 'out of line'? I give up Hmm

DoYouLikeBasghetti · 22/10/2018 18:12

For God's sake don't call her out! Go grey rock!!!

She could very well do something awful to you if you confront her. My ex "friend" was exactly like yours and she made my life a living hell when I finally stood up to her. (Think vicious rumours/ accusations/ threats/ violence at one point). All the while playing the victim!

GREY ROCK! GREY ROCK! And good luck.

eddielizzard · 22/10/2018 19:06

Yes, no calling out. You won't get anywhere. Grey rock!

WellThisIsShit · 22/10/2018 19:21

She sounds poisonous. Don’t engage, just shuffle quietly away...

Merryoldgoat · 22/10/2018 19:45

I truly am at a loss of what to say reading this thread. I didn’t think people like this existed, just allowing themselves to be kicked over and over and not being able to see it.

You know what OP - I don’t think you’re actually listening. Your posts contradict each other at times and I don’t think you’re ready to accept you having been complicit in her behaviour.

Until you ‘get’ it we can post until we’re blue in the face and nothing will change.

MaisyPops · 22/10/2018 19:52

They're his friends from years ago and he isn't fussed about keeping contact.

She sounds like one of these women who 'only really has male friends and never understands why all these women have issues with her'. Sure some of us might have had one off situations where a paranoid partner has had a ridiculous issue but women like her are the ones who'll always be the victim of partners not liking them.

I'm with other posters. Go grey rock and decide which of the friendship group you want to maintain contact with.

FlaviaAlbia · 22/10/2018 19:57

You know, from the outside you seem to spend a lot of time managing relationships for other people with absolutely no benefit to yourself.

Your friend sounds like a psychopath and your DP doesn't actually sound like he cares much about this group if he can't be bothered keeping in touch with them himself.

Wouldn't you be happier without all this drama in your life? You could take up a new hobby and find better friends.

gizmomonki · 22/10/2018 20:10

maybe she shagged your fella too and she can't bear to tell you but thinks he should be punished for it. she sounds like a right twat!!!

Antigon · 22/10/2018 20:36

I have no idea why you're all so enthralled by her. 'Wild child… Dazzling… Intense…' It all sounds very Jackie Collins. I promise you she is nowhere near as fascinating and glamorous as you think she is.

MistressDeeCee · 22/10/2018 21:24

This woman is slandering your DP, ruining his reputation in public. You are obsessed with her, and have not a not a shred of loyalty towards your DP due to this.

That you can actually sit there amongst a group of frienss whilst one is slagging him off to all the others, just shows you are passive aggressive towards him. People who love and respect their partners don't do this

Its not even him that's desperate to maintain the friendship group, it's you. You like and need the dynamic.

You and your friend are manipulative in your own ways. That's why you're friends and can't leave each other alone.

The drama of all this and imagining yourself as the centerpiece must be thrilling for you

smackmybitchup · 22/10/2018 21:27

It’s perfectly simple - she’s manipulative, vindictive and is trying to split you up. Why on earth do you put up with her?

DoYouLikeBasghetti · 22/10/2018 21:38

In the nicest possible way, it sounds like the OP is in a very very abusive relationship with her friend. Would you be spouting off about Jackie Collins if her boyfriend was doing this to her?

klondike555 · 23/10/2018 03:12

Cutting her out would have a crazy knock on effect
I dumped a toxic friendship. It had the knock on effect of freeing everybody else up to say adios to the toxic person too.

If I was your DP I'd dump you and look for a partner who has my back.

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