about my close friend's attitude towards my DP

[ffffffffsake]

I'm starting to get a bit fucked off with my best friend about the way she acts around my DP. I've been friends with her since childhood and been with DP 6 years - everything was fine until she split with her ex earlier this year, but ever since she's been single she's started making life awkward.

She claims to not like my DP - quite vocal about this when he isn't around, and I've seen the things she says about him to our mutual friends, not nice at all. Of course he's not perfect and neither is our relationship, but I'm happy, I love him, and we're a good team through all the trials of life. I don't ever moan about him to her because there's no point stoking the fire. This is difficult enough to deal with and I do try and see her as often as possible without him present. However it gets weirder when she's around him.

When she's around him there is no hint of these feelings. She is affectionate, draws him into chats about her personal/sex life and essentially tries to single him out for conversation. She can be like this with a lot of men, and becomes overtly sexual in their presence - we just accept this as part of her complex personality.

I think it really bothers me that she pretends not to like him, but really she just doesn't like me being with him. She really wanted me to dump him when she dumped her ex, I think so that we could be single together and work through the breakups together, and she hasn't really ever got over trying to convince me to leave him.

I'm starting to really resent spending time around the both of them because I don't understand what her game is and it really sets me on edge. I wish she could just support ME in what I want to do, even if she doesn't like him much, instead of trying to force some closeness with him while spitting poison about him/my relationship behind his back.

I think she wants me to choose between them but I can't get my head around what she's doing and I don't know how to handle this.

Her friendship is not more important than my relationship. I have just temporarily lost sight of what's normal and have become confused about what's in my head and what isn't. It doesn't help that she feels like the key to my social life a lot of the time, but I am wondering whether she has deliberately positioned it that way.

Definitely do fade away, 'tired from work', 'really busy with family', 'work socialising' - NOTHING she can pin on exactly. Take back the narrative!

I have just temporarily lost sight of what's normal and have become confused about what's in my head and what isn't. It doesn't help that she feels like the key to my social life a lot of the time

Take back control - be busy and distant and vauge- do more with just freind 2, and with your DP and try and meet new people perhaps by starting new hobbies or something.

I can't believe the whole group didn't dump her over her behaviour towards friend 2 - if their standards are that low it doesn't sound like you'd lose anything by dropping all of them. However, if I'm reading correctly and you introduced this woman into a group of what were originally your partners' friends, I reckon they're taking their cue from you and him. Far from her shining brightest and everyone else being in her orbit, I bet they'd be glad to see the back of the two-faced bitch.

I had a 'friend' that was always slagging my BF off to me. Turned out they'd been shagging behind my back.

@Ennirem made some really good points.

And yes op, great idea to talk to friend 2.

Don't be too hard on yourself about taking a while to realise - manipulative people are SKILLED at hiding the abuse and turning you upside down and inside out till you think it's all your fault. And the things you just described are forms of emotional abuse.

So basically you think she's more interesting and popular than you and that you have to indulge her in case you're the one that gets dropped?

The group dumped the bf. For sexually harassing friend 1, at her word, this is after friend2 ditched him.

She introduced me to the group including DP many years ago, but he knew them all first.

So basically you think she's more interesting and popular than you and that you have to indulge her in case you're the one that gets dropped?

Yes. So you throw your boyfriend under the bus.

@SchnitzelVonKrumm

Actually yes. I am far less dazzling and am the kind to have a handful of close friends from here and there, the group dynamic isn’t my thing and I’m very much on the periphery.

Why do you keep blaming your friends ex partner but letting your 'friend' get off Scott free? She's just as bad as him.
Get rid. Life is too short to be this complicated.

You realise that once she's succeeded in shagging your boyfriend and splitting you up, she will engineer your removal from the friendship group in much the same way as friend 2's ex? You really have NOTHING to lose by ridding your life of her toxic presence.

Op definitely follow picalillisnooze's advice upthread and make vague excuses not to meet. also start leaving long gaps to answer to texts and calls. Remember, she has NO power over you.

I really don’t like confrontation but she sometimes breeds it, this is why I’m so frustrated, if she had a problem with him then she could have it out with him but because it’s my me being with DP she has an issue with its expected that I’m the one who has to cause a drama to my own detriment

Will you STOP saying, it’s between the wo of them! It’s not! Your partner is having stuff done TO him and things said ABOUT him. He’s the innocent in this. This isn’t two people not getting on. This is a nasty, manipulative fucker, who’s out to destroy his reputation and your relationship and you’re sitting their like a delicate little flower going ‘it’s not fair, but what can I do?’

You might as well leave the poor sod before his reputation is completely destroyed and she ends up shagging him. FFS OP, either shit or get off the pot! Stop giving your sympathy and friendship to the wrong person or your going to end up with no partner and no friends.

I was disgusted by friends actions with friend2’s bloke but my focus was supporting friend2 and they very quickly made up, so again I’d be the mental one if I made a fuss about it. I spend enough time peacekeeping and trying to pull apologies out of her for various people. Which I can now see is actually really fucked up and not normal.

DP is pretty terrified of her. She's influenced a lot of our wider social circle against him which has included some lies fabrications about him

I am simply astonished that you would want to continue being friends with a woman who would do this to your partner. Let alone who would treat your friend so poorly (shagging her bf and the nasty comments about her body). I am genuinely flabbergasted. At this point you’re openly and willingly facilitating her behaviour and will only have yourself to blame when she turns on you.

I just can’t believe people like you exist. I can well believe people like your friend exist. But you? You know who she is and what she’s like and how badly she’s treated people you allegedly care about and still want her in your life? Words fail me.

“You might as well leave the poor sod before his reputation is completely destroyed and she ends up shagging him”

Surely it’s equally likely whether I leave him or not. I really don’t think I’ve been in the wrong besides reading texts which weren’t sent to me.

Don't confront, ignore. Tell your real friends, the ones that actually like and value you, why if you want to, but don't feel the need to justify yourself otherwise. Just disengage.

Will you STOP saying, it’s between the wo of them! It’s not! Your partner is having stuff done TO him and things said ABOUT him. He’s the innocent in this. This isn’t two people not getting on. This is a nasty, manipulative fucker, who’s out to destroy his reputation and your relationship and you’re sitting their like a delicate little flower going ‘it’s not fair, but what can I do?’

Spot on. That is what makes this so uncomfortable to read. She’s making shit up about a man you apparently love and instead of having his back or just disengaging, you’re pretending it’s between them like it’s some kind of mutual tiff? You even said you think DP is scared of her. Where are your fucking loyalties?

Yes do follow my advice as i am very WISE . No, really, I have been there and it was very traumatic, I found out that best friend of twenty years who has dependency problems (drugs, alcohol) but who is from very well to do background etc (i.e. I didn't just ditch her when she was on her uppers in the street) had been saying AWFUL things about me. When I found out I felt so dizzy from shock the world literally tilted, I was sitting in a restaurant, I will NEVER forget it.

Four years on we have a very civilised, VERY vague friendship, her awfulness increased as she realised I'd taken back control of my life, but even though i knew she was longing for confrontation, she never got it. I just shimmied like Jeeves right outta her life. Sometimes talked to her at events but made the conversation ALL about her.

When you establish boundaries with people like this, it is literally their worst nightmare. So think it through, set your path, be kind polite but EVASIVE AT EVERY TURN, and drift off into happiness. Good luck!

We are all equal components in a social group, I’m unable to protect anyone and DP has the free will and choice to attend events etc. He wants us all to be friends the way we were/meant to be.

I spend enough time peacekeeping and trying to pull apologies out of her for various people. Which I can now see is actually really fucked up and not normal.

yep - she really had got you well trained.

We are all equal components in a social group, I’m unable to protect anyone and DP has the free will and choice to attend events etc. He wants us all to be friends the way we were/meant to be.

But simultaneously he’s scared of her and she makes shit up about him?

Equal components... is that what you want to believe? You’ve made a big point of letting us know how the social world revolves around her and you’re on the periphery with few genuine friends.

I’m really struggling to believe this is real. I cannot imagine wanting to retain a friend who was doing this to my lovely DP.

I will definitely be drifting away but it’s not like that might magically cure her attitude and end the character assassinations. I’m protective of DP and that’s why I was confused to see her singling him out just hours after her texts about him/us.