about my close friend's attitude towards my DP

[ffffffffsake]

I'm starting to get a bit fucked off with my best friend about the way she acts around my DP. I've been friends with her since childhood and been with DP 6 years - everything was fine until she split with her ex earlier this year, but ever since she's been single she's started making life awkward.

She claims to not like my DP - quite vocal about this when he isn't around, and I've seen the things she says about him to our mutual friends, not nice at all. Of course he's not perfect and neither is our relationship, but I'm happy, I love him, and we're a good team through all the trials of life. I don't ever moan about him to her because there's no point stoking the fire. This is difficult enough to deal with and I do try and see her as often as possible without him present. However it gets weirder when she's around him.

When she's around him there is no hint of these feelings. She is affectionate, draws him into chats about her personal/sex life and essentially tries to single him out for conversation. She can be like this with a lot of men, and becomes overtly sexual in their presence - we just accept this as part of her complex personality.

I think it really bothers me that she pretends not to like him, but really she just doesn't like me being with him. She really wanted me to dump him when she dumped her ex, I think so that we could be single together and work through the breakups together, and she hasn't really ever got over trying to convince me to leave him.

I'm starting to really resent spending time around the both of them because I don't understand what her game is and it really sets me on edge. I wish she could just support ME in what I want to do, even if she doesn't like him much, instead of trying to force some closeness with him while spitting poison about him/my relationship behind his back.

I think she wants me to choose between them but I can't get my head around what she's doing and I don't know how to handle this.

Ditch her. Don't let anyone come between you and your partner.

"have you actually asked your DP outright why he wants to stay on friendly terms"

He doesn't. He is patient with her but has nothing to say to her. He knows she has a problem. He also knows she isn't going anywhere and literally lives with his oldest, closest friends. He doesn't actively want her around, he just accepts and tolerates her presence while we socialise with others.

Honestly OP - I've watched something so similar from the outside - people in tight knit friendship groups (like your DPs) do think they must put up with bad behaviour from the alphas of the group, because walking away and starting from scratch is such an emotionally hard idea to take on. They are only used to having their individual friendships as part of a group, so leaving it and still keeping up friendships with the 1 or 2 people they like the most seems impossible.

Your DP - and possibly most of the group - are stuck in this. And frankly missed a perfect opportunity to get rid of alpha bitchy friend when she did the dirty on other friend. (Other friend may felt she had to forgive alpha to not lose all her friends as well as her boyfriend)

Cut her out as much as you can. Provide no information about your life and relationship to any of the group, other than how strong it is.

Try seeing the other woman one-2-one or invite other couples over individually to your house. Break the friendship 'group' dynamic into a selection of separate friendships. Much healthier.

He also knows she isn't going anywhere and literally lives with his oldest, closest friends.

Ah, the group really is intertwined. The healthiest thing that you as a couple can do is take a bit of a step back from socialising as a group and find ways to see your friends without her there. Easier said than done, I know, but it's that or she's going to ruin what you have.

Oh your DP needs to start walking away from her more. OR perhaps telling her that he knows she's been slagging him off to everyone and isn't interested in small talk. He could be a little ruder to her.

And yes, I can see someone like this would target your DP to sleep with not because she wants to sleep with him, but because she wants to convince herself she's "better" than you. You having a sucessful relationship when she doesn't makes you look "better". If he was single, it's unlikely she'd be interested at all.

I don't know what she's saying to the others, but I bet you anything that she's accusing him of making passes at her or similar in amongst anything else she's saying. If you are one to one with any of these mutual friends you could have a conversation along the lines of you wondering if she has been saying anything weird to the group. Say you're only asking because she has been telling harmful lies to you about your partner, and also to your partner about you so you suspect that she might be telling her 'misunderstandings' about your relationship to others too. It would at least put some doubt in their minds about whether what she's telling them is true.

I'd say that she's definitely after him, most likely to cause a break up and make you more emotionally available to her. If she can't seduce him then she's probably going to try and engineer a compromising situation so forget politeness on your partner's part, he should make sure that he's not near her and definitely never alone with her.

While reading your OP, without seeing your update about her sleeping with another friends man all I was saying in my head was 'she wants him, she wants to sleep with him' it's glaringly obvious.

Make out you should break up with him , tell everyone he's a shit, sleep with him (or try) and do the same as she did to your friend.

I wonder did she sleep with your friends bf, then tell the friend herself? But of course tell her they shouldn't fall out and she was only doing it to prove her her what HE was like?

You can outgrow a friendship OP, there's nothing wrong with that at all.

But they are DP's friends and he would mourn them if I made the executive decision to sever the both of us from all of them
He isn't 5, no one is saying pick his mates. But you can draw lines for yourself.

Give her the option of being honest / backing off or you and DP if he agrees simy back off yourself. So if it's a group situ you simply are polite and move away. You excuse yourself if she joins your group and go and talk to someone else. You don't see her on on one. DP can do the same or can carry on talking to her, his choice. He won't cheat simply because she talks about how she likes to have sex or flirts with him. But you DON'T have to be her friend.
As for the rest of the group, I'd see Df2 on your own and would simply pull back from going out with the others if you actually don't care about them.

DP needs to put on his big boy pants and ask his supposed friends what has been said / what the problem is. If thry won't tell but are treating him oddly anyway he needs to decide if he's OK with it.

What do you need someone like that as a friend for? She's disrespectful of you, your partner and your relationship.

How can you keep speaking with somebody who scorns your partner as she does? Why aren't you more loyal to him?

I'd really hate to find out my partner maintained a friendship with somebody who dissed me behind my back.

This should be a no-brainer in terms of ending this friendship. She's one of those people who are troublesome to relationships, and she's not your friend anyway even though you seem to think she is.

There's lots of discussion about how she would just sleep with your DP. Do you not think your DP would resist that knowing the drama she brings? Also, that he loves you? 😂

Do you think there is some part of you that is reluctant to leave the group because at least then you can keep an eye on her behaviour towards your DP? Are you worried that he'd cave? You said earlier you're not dazzling like her... I found that sad. She's obviously chipped away at your self-esteem. Your DP loves you. He obviously finds you dazzling. She finds that infuriating I bet.

She is a scary woman. Definitely avoid OP but have faith and trust that you are dazzling. Particularly to your OH. She may be beautiful on the outside but on the inside she sounds vile. No one finds that attractive.

Why have you not even asked his friends what she has been saying?

Atleast set the story straight then run away as far as you can with your DP.

She's like a dementor from Harry Potter. Sucks the life out of everyone she sees.

I think she fancies him.......

DP probably wouldn't have much to do with the group if it weren't for me, he occasionally messages a few individuals (not F1) but events are word of mouth, and I'm his ears he knows he needs to put more effort into that, but it's easier being a hanger-on as I know too well.

She can be horribly jealous of me, she's a wild child whereas I've spent a lot of time building a stability which I think she resents quite a bit. Her ex asked me out before her and it took her a long time to get over that. I don't know if this is attempted payback or what.

I agree I'd be really upset if I was in DP's shoes, and I'd let him hear about it too. But he's so laid back and I really think he just wants to keep the peace, not cause any trouble and prove that our relationship isn't the "manipulative, abusive & worthless" thing she says it is, and to have this all blow over so we can go back to the lovely, normal dynamics we had before F1's breakup.

You say she’d expect your loyalty over your loyalty to DP... sorry but why does it matter to you what she’d ‘expect’ when she’s so blatantly out of line?

The whole thing of ‘if she shags DP and we split up she’ll have me to herself then as her primary single friend’ is utterly bizarre, are you saying if they shagged and DP left you, you’d still want to be her friend?

Serves me right for allowing my friend to become turbulent after a breakup and allowing DP to be passive and not maintain his friendships properly, for I am woman and all blame lies on my shoulder

I honestly think that this kind of thinking is a bit of a deflection, I know you’re being sarcastic but you ARE playing a part in this, there’s no point getting snotty about it and making this big point about being a woman and therefore acting like people are blaming you 100% to score sympathy. Gender aside, you are an adult as is your DP and this woman, and you’re every bit as much of a part of this toxic triangle as the two of them are.

You have decisions you can choose to make here OP. Getting defensive and upset because you think people are unfairly putting some blame on you just because of your gender signifies your entire immature stance here: very ‘hands off’, passive, helpless.

I think you’re scared of her.

Ultimately, people do what works for them. You’re obviously getting enough from this current set up for it to be preferable to exiting the drama. And that’s totally fine, it’s your life! You can make those choices. But to imply you’re miffed with it and want it to change is a bit disingenuous when you’ve maintained the situation for so long already. I’d encourage you to dig deep and admit to yourself that this is working for you on some level, and why that is. It’s very toxic and I wonder about your self esteem if you think this situation is one you are happy to continue with.

They may well already be shagging. She sounds like she’d go for it and DP has no boundaries/is maintaining contact with her despite everything which suggests he has something very powerful to gain by doing so. You seem so wet I doubt you’d act even if you found out.

Oh OP - I think you're giving this all more power than it needs to be then!

If your DP isn't all that fussed, do you not have a group of friends from before DP you can start arranging more events with? Start doing things with just the individuals or couples you get on best with, without the big group events?

If your DP is happy to let it all slide and just keep up with his closest friends from the group, why not do that for 6 months and see how the land lies in the spring?

Sounds like alpha friend needs an audience and people to make her feel better about herself, if you don't provide that, she might go find new targets.

It's ok to accept that groups don't fit you anymore.

She may be beautiful on the outside but on the inside she sounds vile. No one finds that attractive.

Plenty of people don’t care what’s inside. Or they’re like it themselves and like a kindred spirit. Didn’t stop the other friend’s boyfriend did it? It’s daft to think that cos she’s a cunt she’s not attractive to some. She’s a cunt very openly yet still clearly has a full social life with lots of friends.

Hi, OP. This sounds really difficult and I'm sorry you're in this situation.

You might enjoy a book called "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" (you can find it on Amazon). It's primarily intended for close family members or partners of people with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, but you might find it useful for dealing with this friend as she's such a big part of your life. I found it really supportive but no-nonsense. Obviously it might not apply to your friend, but the ideas in the book might help you think about how to handle someone with a challenging personality in general.

I'm not sure that confronting this friend will work. You might be better off with the vague/boring approach (google "grey rock technique" for dealing with narcissists). An open conflict might just be something that she grabs onto for her own advantage.

I do agree you should get her out of your life as much as possible--be confident about this, you can find healthier friends who won't cause these problems. And I think you should educate yourself as much as possible about what might be going on with her personality to help you detach from her and set boundaries rather than letting her take control.

good luck!

You soubd like you have a Stockholm syndrome OP. She’s a massive bitch, ditch her.

When she's around him there is no hint of these feelings. She is affectionate, draws him into chats about her personal/sex life and essentially tries to single him out for conversation.

She wants your man.

She's no friend, history or no.

I'd distance yourself from the whole group tbh. She's a nightmare and they let her get away with toxic behaviour.

Do we even know if the other friend's boyfriend did sleep with her? If you've only got Toxic Friend's word to go on, I'd take that with a pinch of salt.

You need to get this woman out of your life, and while hopefully it doesn’t cost you your other friendships, I think at this point it would probably be worth it. Don’t either of you have any self-respect, how can you stand hanging out with this woman and a bunch of people who she’s been slagging your DP off to without saying anything?

She is no friend to yiu, she is actively pursuing your partner in front of yiu, so she can 'prove' he is no good for yu and she can have a single friend, her slaggin him off to the wider group is the warm up to this, so no one will blame her when it happens, because they will already have it in their heads that he is no good.

Call her out on it, at the next group gathering, when she tries to corner your partner for one of her sexually explicit chats, loudly ask why she seems to be all over your partner, in front of your face, what kind of friend does that? Particularly when she has been slagging him off to all and sundry. Embarrass her. Then cut her off. She is toxic and in a destructive phase of her life it seems.

So I've just called DP on his lunch and told him about the texts. We have agreed on an united front and will be attempting to make our own plans with his old friends without her - it will be interesting to feel like I can be friends with these people in my own right / as a couple instead of just being an extension of her. He was hurt to hear about the texts, he thought that they had turned a corner and that she had decided to accept him again.

Grey rock is 100% the way forward.

"He was hurt to hear about the texts, he thought that they had turned a corner and that she had decided to accept him again."

I don't know where to begin with this.

Why oh why do you both seek her approval? It's like she's bewitched you.