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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my close friend's attitude towards my DP

200 replies

ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 10:22

I'm starting to get a bit fucked off with my best friend about the way she acts around my DP. I've been friends with her since childhood and been with DP 6 years - everything was fine until she split with her ex earlier this year, but ever since she's been single she's started making life awkward.

She claims to not like my DP - quite vocal about this when he isn't around, and I've seen the things she says about him to our mutual friends, not nice at all. Of course he's not perfect and neither is our relationship, but I'm happy, I love him, and we're a good team through all the trials of life. I don't ever moan about him to her because there's no point stoking the fire. This is difficult enough to deal with and I do try and see her as often as possible without him present. However it gets weirder when she's around him.

When she's around him there is no hint of these feelings. She is affectionate, draws him into chats about her personal/sex life and essentially tries to single him out for conversation. She can be like this with a lot of men, and becomes overtly sexual in their presence - we just accept this as part of her complex personality.

I think it really bothers me that she pretends not to like him, but really she just doesn't like me being with him. She really wanted me to dump him when she dumped her ex, I think so that we could be single together and work through the breakups together, and she hasn't really ever got over trying to convince me to leave him.

I'm starting to really resent spending time around the both of them because I don't understand what her game is and it really sets me on edge. I wish she could just support ME in what I want to do, even if she doesn't like him much, instead of trying to force some closeness with him while spitting poison about him/my relationship behind his back.

I think she wants me to choose between them but I can't get my head around what she's doing and I don't know how to handle this.

OP posts:
bigKiteFlying · 22/10/2018 11:45

I was coming on to write much much what mirialis has.

I also expect in time it will come out that she's been saying stuff behind your back as well to others - she really isn't a friend at all.

Orchiddingme · 22/10/2018 11:45

Even if she is currently the sun, her bad ways will make the friendship group implode. I'd decide who you'd like to be friends with and get in touch with them and step back from her (which she won't like). You may lose all your friends- but honestly, this doesn't sound like a solid group anyway if you are all led by the nose by someone who is really quite nasty.

FaithInfinity · 22/10/2018 11:47

she's like the sun, everyone's in her orbit and she's always the one shining brightest. Cutting her out would have a crazy knock on effect. toxic people are often like this. She’s even got you all playing her game because she’s using her MH issues as an excuse for her behaviour - she can do what she pleases because she has you promising to never abandon her (no matter what she does). I would also be very careful because if you do a big showdown with her, she is likely to turn your friends against you in a ‘You’re either with me or against me’ kind of way. I would probably gradually withdraw from her, explain to your friends privately what she’s been doing. You sound more worried about the fallout than actually losing her friendship. She doesn’t sound like much of a friend at all.

MortyVicar · 22/10/2018 11:47

Cutting her out would have a crazy knock on effect.

It wouldn't be as bad as keeping her 'in'.

RedDrink · 22/10/2018 11:49

It sounds like your friend has a lot in common with my sister who I'm NC with for good reasons.

Don't make my mistake and go NC AFTER she's fucked up your life.

No good will come of her, she is not your friend, GET HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

Runningfishy · 22/10/2018 11:50

If the roles were reversed between you and your dp, would you be happy to accept that kind of treatment - including from your partner? Surely your dp should be your priority, and she doesn’t sound like a friend!

Ennirem · 22/10/2018 11:50

she's like the sun, everyone's in her orbit and she's always the one shining brightest.

Are you all quite young OP? This sort of dynamic suggests people in their late teens or very early twenties, where these passionate friendships and extreme dynamics can get very overblown. Also all the texting back and forth and sexual posturing sound adolescent. Which makes me think wither you're all quite young, or she has just established a dynamic where she is the 'centre' of the social group that feeds her issues in youth and now is desperately trying to maintain it as everyone else grows up, calms down, settles down and becomes busy with 'real life' - jobs, partners, children etc.

In which case, you may find all your other friends are in the same boat - fed up with and hurt by her childish, manipulative behaviour, but caught in the FOG because of this powerful historical dynamic and because of her mental health problems. They may be relieved to find she is not an automatic invite any more to your parties/nights out, and embrace the new sanity without her there to turn the screw.

ShawshanksRedemption · 22/10/2018 11:53

Everyone's in her orbit because they don't want to be on the receiving end. She's very good at manipulation, look how she has you feeling, and she has done that to others in your group so you're all worried how she will react. None of you seem to be worrying how she is affecting your group and relationships and how awful the atmosphere has become.

What you've described in your 'friend' has shades of this:
www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

gamerchick · 22/10/2018 11:53

Cutting her out would have a crazy knock on effect

So what? Stand up for your man.

Or making a stand will show the rest of your friends what you're prepared to put up with. She slept with your friends bloke and they're still friends? Does she shit golden nuggets Confused

milkymoonshine · 22/10/2018 11:54

OP I haven't had time to read every reply, but you should google 'female narcissist' and 'narcissist friend' and see how much of it chimes with your so-called friend. It will show you why other posters have been telling you to drop her asap. Good luck.

Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 11:54

I actually feel a bit dizzy from all the clarity I'm getting here Grin

It's true that her friendship is far more toxic than she claims my relationship to be. She expects me/us to tolerate behaviour from her which she would use as ammunition against my relationship if it was DP behaving that way.

When I say my relationship isn't perfect, it really isn't. It's been a rocky year but no infidelities or betrayals and nothing we can't fix or work past. It's so frustrating that she seems to like him as a person just not as my boyfriend. It makes me feel really insignificant, or even an inconvenience to her friendship with him.

OP posts:
headinhands · 22/10/2018 11:55

The fact that she tried to get you to dump him when she found herself single says all you need to know. She is not a friend!

Forgotmycoat · 22/10/2018 11:56

I can't stand people who use mh issues as an excuse for bad behaviour. It's an insult to people who suffer from such issues and STILL manage to be decent enough not to bad mouth others and steal friend's bfs.

She has mh issues alright. She's a narcissistic controlling bully. You really need to cut her out of your life completely. You must do this in order to save your relationship and your sanity from her toxicity.

What will it take for you to end this friendship? She's no friend. She's a frenemy.

AjasLipstick · 22/10/2018 11:56

Free yourself up OP! Don't let this woman rule your life anymore. Ditch her!

Evilspiritgin · 22/10/2018 11:57

You need to distance yourself, she sounds dangerou, I hope she doesn’t know your darkest secrets as she will start spreading them about you so she can get what she wants

Swearymum83 · 22/10/2018 11:57

I can assure you, she will try to sleep with him. Without a doubt. Keep her at a large distance.

QueenOfMyWorld · 22/10/2018 11:58

She wants your boyfriend,when she wanted you to split with him she was planning on making a move on him then.Cut her off.

poglets · 22/10/2018 11:59

I wouldn't be friends with this girl any longer. So many warning signs here.

Bluearsedfly36 · 22/10/2018 12:01

Sorry OP, she's no friend. Get rid!

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2018 12:01

What ‘mental health issues’ make you a nasty bitch?

Lose her. Sharpish.

JoyfulMystery · 22/10/2018 12:03

OP, why the fuck is this woman your friend?! She slept with a mutual's friends partner, she slags off your DP every opportunity she gets and you say she has turned mutual friends against him with lies?! If I was your DP I would be asking YOU where your loyalties lie and why you are not standing up for someone you claim to love.

This, exactly. This thread is purporting to be about your friend, but the more I read, the more I realise that YOU are the person whose passive behaviour is the most puzzling element.

Image the shoe is on the other foot, and your boyfriend has a close friend who vocally slags you off to your friendship group and tells him to break up with you, while being sickly sweet and flirtatious to your face -- but your boyfriend doesn't confront his friend because his friendship is more important to him that your happiness...?

bigKiteFlying · 22/10/2018 12:03

When I say my relationship isn't perfect, it really isn't. It's been a rocky year but no infidelities or betrayals and nothing we can't fix or work past. It's so frustrating that she seems to like him as a person just not as my boyfriend. It makes me feel really insignificant, or even an inconvenience to her friendship with him.

How much of a contributing factor is having someone sit on your shoulder shit shirring? Is she encouraging you to find fault with him and your relationship all the time or focus on all the downs sides?

what ever you do about your realtionship - I'd distance yourself with this friend and try and widen your friendship group.

JoyfulMystery · 22/10/2018 12:04

In fact, the only way I can make sense of your passivity in this is if either (a) her friendship is more important to you than your relationship, and you think will last longer or (b) you suspect she's right about your boyfriend.

Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 12:05

God I feel like I need therapy after reading that narcissism link.

Flashbacks to that time where she handed me something but let go before I even reached out to take it. Cue weeks of jokes about my clumsiness and unprecedented levels of self loathing every time I apologised instead of just saying it was clearly her fault.

The time last month when she made my blood boil and I almost squared up to her when she casually slipped into conversation to DP that "don't worry, plenty of people still think you're hot" - of course he's fucking hot, I tell him most days!!

I'm going to lean on friend2 for a bit. I think she's on the verge of being done with all this as well.

OP posts:
DadJoke · 22/10/2018 12:07

She doesn't respect you. She is two-faced. She has form for partner-stealing and she is weaponising sex to be cruel. She priortised her selfish need to be single with you over your happiness. She is not supporting you through hard times. Ditch her.

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