Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my close friend's attitude towards my DP

200 replies

ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 10:22

I'm starting to get a bit fucked off with my best friend about the way she acts around my DP. I've been friends with her since childhood and been with DP 6 years - everything was fine until she split with her ex earlier this year, but ever since she's been single she's started making life awkward.

She claims to not like my DP - quite vocal about this when he isn't around, and I've seen the things she says about him to our mutual friends, not nice at all. Of course he's not perfect and neither is our relationship, but I'm happy, I love him, and we're a good team through all the trials of life. I don't ever moan about him to her because there's no point stoking the fire. This is difficult enough to deal with and I do try and see her as often as possible without him present. However it gets weirder when she's around him.

When she's around him there is no hint of these feelings. She is affectionate, draws him into chats about her personal/sex life and essentially tries to single him out for conversation. She can be like this with a lot of men, and becomes overtly sexual in their presence - we just accept this as part of her complex personality.

I think it really bothers me that she pretends not to like him, but really she just doesn't like me being with him. She really wanted me to dump him when she dumped her ex, I think so that we could be single together and work through the breakups together, and she hasn't really ever got over trying to convince me to leave him.

I'm starting to really resent spending time around the both of them because I don't understand what her game is and it really sets me on edge. I wish she could just support ME in what I want to do, even if she doesn't like him much, instead of trying to force some closeness with him while spitting poison about him/my relationship behind his back.

I think she wants me to choose between them but I can't get my head around what she's doing and I don't know how to handle this.

OP posts:
pumpastrotter · 22/10/2018 11:21

I speak from experience, get rid of her. Doesn't matter how good of a friend you think she is, she's going to shit on you from a great height just like she did your other friend.

OrigamiZoo · 22/10/2018 11:22

she has been quite vocal about expecting my loyalties to lie with her above him.

jealous witch.

gamerchick · 22/10/2018 11:23

Why haven't you got your blokes back? If one of my friends was extremely 2 faced towards my husband I'd be all over that like a rash. She's working on having him ostracised from his friendships group and you don't want to lose her as a best friend? Hmm

Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 11:24

Obviously you are all right. It just really hurts because she has been a great friend up until her breakup and we have supported each other through so much. She has MH issues and regularly begs me not to 'give up on her' when her life gets a bit messy. I wish I could make things ok for her but if that means breaking up my 6 year relationship and giving my DP the ok to give her the kind of attention she craves from men then obviously I'm not willing to help.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 22/10/2018 11:24

She sounds like a right prick. Sleeping with her friend's boyfriend! Then slagging off her body with the get out clause that she was just repeating what he had said? Totally cunt-ish behaviour. Are they still friends as well?
I'd ditch her as a friend and encourage the cheated on friend too as well.

Rebecca36 · 22/10/2018 11:28

You need to talk to her in a straightforward way and it would help if you and your partner could talk to her together, he could at least say he finds it embarrassing.

It will be embarrassing for her and she'll probably protest and say you're misinterpreting her attitude but you're not so stick to your guns and see how she behaves afterwards. She might blank you which is not necessarily a bad thing or she may behave better but you can't go on as you are.

Calamityjac · 22/10/2018 11:28

I’m sorry but if that were my friend I would be pulling her up on the things she said and I would be doing it in front of the rest of your friends.

Seriously how you can possibly keep giving this woman any of your time when she is spending these nasty malicious rumours about your boyfriend is beyond me.

Gabilan · 22/10/2018 11:29

He was clearly a scumbag though and I'm not sure if that's the point she was making when she decided to have sex with him.

She was making the point that she too is a scumbag. Honestly OP it sounds as if you're in an abusive relationship with your friend. And she's alienating him from friends he knew before he knew her? She's dangerous. I would very quietly extricate myself and contact her less and less. If she won't accept that then go NC but be careful. She is a very unpleasant person at best.

Friend's do not sleep with other friend's boyfriends to prove a point. They don't try to ostracise friends' partners. She is manipulative and friends do not manipulate.

Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 11:31

Yes F1 and F2 are still friends, but I will never forget the heartbreaking feeling of seeing a distraught F2 sobbing in her bed on the day the news broke.

Yes, she has been gaslighting us all, it's hard to know if it's deliberate or just who she is. I wish I could have my friend back from when she felt secure.

OP posts:
pandarific · 22/10/2018 11:32

She has MH issues and regularly begs me not to 'give up on her' when her life gets a bit messy.

That is so manipulative. Angry

Look, there are things you can do here without torpedoing things in a dramatic way. You can amp down communications with this friend - texts, meet-ups, and you might have to withdraw from the group meet-ups for a bit too. Thing is the wider group either know how she is and are scared of her so won't say anything, or will eventually wake up to her awful behaviour to someone else - because she will find someone else to pick on - and dump her. Detach.

You can speak to your dp and tell him you have his back and will be cooling it with this friend.

You can't control what she does but you can control how you react to it and how exposed you are.

When the group members ask why you've withdrawn, you can honestly say you couldn't handle her behaviour and it wasn't fair on your dp having her make up nonsense about him.

Olderbyaminute · 22/10/2018 11:32

You seem to prize your so called friend far more than your partner! I feel for your partner

Santaclarita · 22/10/2018 11:33

She wants him for herself. Probably just to prove that he wants her more than you, not because she fancies him. She gets validation by being wanted over a friend. Ditch her.

krustykittens · 22/10/2018 11:33

Wow. So not only does this woman slag your DP off to people he has known a lot longer than she has, but they believe her and sack him off without even talking to him?! I think you and your DP need a whole new group of friends. They clearly have no loyalty at all to either of you. And as for the "when you are single" shite - words fail me.

Cobblersandhogwash · 22/10/2018 11:34

Are your friends sticking up for him? If not then they too are nasty and two faced.

She is most definitely mad and toxic.

It's a matter of time before she makes a play for your dp.

I would ditch her ASAP. No drama. Just fade from her view.

Should she ask and be confrontational about it, then you will have to be honest and tell her why.

People like this hate honesty and openness. But they can still cause a lot of long term damage.

Take care of yourself and protect yourself.

RavenLG · 22/10/2018 11:34

Why are any of you letting this cunt still be part of your social circle, let alone fucking dictate it. She shagged a friends boyfriend and had the nerve to say it wasn’t official so it was ok, then bang onto you about loyalty. She needs calling out on all of her bullshit and ostracised from this friendship group for her terrible behaviour. She’s walking all over people and her attitude is escalating because she is getting away with it

Cobblersandhogwash · 22/10/2018 11:36

And has she shat on you before? I bet she has but your friendship has normalised this kind of behaviour.

Ennirem · 22/10/2018 11:37

She sounds awful. Poor friend 2. And poor you too soon enough OP if you don't watch out. You know she tells lies and has no boundaries. This is not someone to be friends with.

mirialis · 22/10/2018 11:37

I suggest that you not only make distance from her, but that you and your DP could do with branching out a bit if at all possible in terms of social circle that doesn't include her in any way (colleagues, new hobbies etc.) If the group were originally his friends and they are going on her word about things it sounds like it would do you both, as a team, some good to make some independent friends in addition to the original group.

These things do tend to come out in the was but it can take some time for people to see "true colours" and realise someone has shit-stirred and in the meantime you and your DP are feeling anxious around her and around friends to whom you don't know what has been said. That's bullshit and no way to live.

Distance yourself from this woman - slowly if you have to - but surely. It will hurt at first because of shared history etc. but is absolutely the right thing for both you and your DP.

Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 11:37

I have a hell of a lot to think about here. I certainly would never choose her over my partner but she's like the sun, everyone's in her orbit and she's always the one shining brightest. Cutting her out would have a crazy knock on effect.

OP posts:
Doonewanker · 22/10/2018 11:37

This is quite unbelievable.

Do yourself a favour and don't have anything more to do with her. You don't even need to explain why to her. Just go quiet on her and ditch her. If your other friends wonder why, just explain she has been really horrible about your DP and that he has your back. Nothing more. Get rid. Otherwise, you are letting her open up all sort of trouble. If your friends take her side, they're not worth having either. Flowers

TurtleCove · 22/10/2018 11:40

Get rid of her OP, she's toxic.
She's no good to you, dp or poor friend 2.

user1471462428 · 22/10/2018 11:41

She sounds utterly terrifying, I have no idea why you would let her near anyone you supposedly love

ShawshanksRedemption · 22/10/2018 11:43

Her mental health issues are not for you to fix @ffffffffsake they are for her to address though professional support.
Her behaviour is unhealthy for all concerned, and continuing to play along isn't going to help anybody. It's OK not to stay friends with someone who is hell bent on such destructive behaviour that they actually want to do you emotional harm to help themselves feel better.

Disquieted1 · 22/10/2018 11:43

Dump the wider circle of friends too.
The one thing I find more infuriating than the bully or manipulator is the cowards who stand just behind her, providing unspoken support.
You see these spineless people everywhere from the schoolyard to the boardroom.They're always there.

Disquieted1 · 22/10/2018 11:44
  • They're always there.