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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my close friend's attitude towards my DP

200 replies

ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 10:22

I'm starting to get a bit fucked off with my best friend about the way she acts around my DP. I've been friends with her since childhood and been with DP 6 years - everything was fine until she split with her ex earlier this year, but ever since she's been single she's started making life awkward.

She claims to not like my DP - quite vocal about this when he isn't around, and I've seen the things she says about him to our mutual friends, not nice at all. Of course he's not perfect and neither is our relationship, but I'm happy, I love him, and we're a good team through all the trials of life. I don't ever moan about him to her because there's no point stoking the fire. This is difficult enough to deal with and I do try and see her as often as possible without him present. However it gets weirder when she's around him.

When she's around him there is no hint of these feelings. She is affectionate, draws him into chats about her personal/sex life and essentially tries to single him out for conversation. She can be like this with a lot of men, and becomes overtly sexual in their presence - we just accept this as part of her complex personality.

I think it really bothers me that she pretends not to like him, but really she just doesn't like me being with him. She really wanted me to dump him when she dumped her ex, I think so that we could be single together and work through the breakups together, and she hasn't really ever got over trying to convince me to leave him.

I'm starting to really resent spending time around the both of them because I don't understand what her game is and it really sets me on edge. I wish she could just support ME in what I want to do, even if she doesn't like him much, instead of trying to force some closeness with him while spitting poison about him/my relationship behind his back.

I think she wants me to choose between them but I can't get my head around what she's doing and I don't know how to handle this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 11:01

I don't know what he's been accused of, or even have any solid proof that she's said anything besides the insults that I've seen in texts, and even then she's entitled to her opinion I guess. It's tricky to address because I'd really rather not lose my best friend permanently and in the past she has been quite vocal about expecting my loyalties to lie with her above him.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 22/10/2018 11:03

Ditch her, that is not a friend but an enemy!

What makes her a friend to you?

Friends NEVER badmouth your partner ( even if they don't like him)
Friends NEVER flirt with your partner ( even if they secretly fancy him)
Friends would NEVER want you to split with someone who makes you happy.

She fails spectacularly on all fronts as a friend, stop seeing her.

Forgotmycoat · 22/10/2018 11:03

For God's sake. she's not your friend. Certainly not a best friend.

Willow2017 · 22/10/2018 11:04

She slags off your husband to friends, tells lies about him and she is making a play for him but she is still your 'friend'!
Either tell her to grow up and stop all the game olaying or stop seeing her.
Your poor dp should not have to put up with this from anyone never mond have hos wife puting him through it. By not telling her its unacceotable you are condoning her behaviour and it wont stop until something more serious happens.

She doesnt care that you are happy she wants you single and to herself to.massage her ego.

She sounds vile why would you wanr to be friends with a woman who does the things she does?

OrigamiZoo · 22/10/2018 11:10

This woman is no friend to you. Two faced, manipulative, clearly does not want you to be happy.

She is getting away with all this too, alienating your DP from his friends. Does he even know. Call her out on out and do it now. Have your DP's back, fight his corner. If you don't he may find out you know all this was going on and condoned it.

Which are you prepared to lose - your DP or your friend? I know which I would choose.

Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 11:10

I don't really know what I'm supposed to say to her without sounding insane and paranoid though

Stop texting other people about my boyfriend?
Stop being friendly to my boyfriend's face?
Stop talking about your romantic life around my boyfriend?
Are you making up lies about my boyfriend?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/10/2018 11:10

Hi FRIEND, I just want you to know that I saw your messages about DH. I totally respect you're entitled to your opinion so when we go out in future / go to X I'll do my best to make sure you aren't sat together / alone etc as I don't want it to be awkward for you. Obviously I love you both so I think it's better if he just keeps his distance from you.

Dillydallyingthrough · 22/10/2018 11:10

Sorry OP she is not a friend.

Ask her upfront why she doesn't like your DP and then is overly nice to him, and then WAIT for her answer, don't fill in the silence, just let her respond. Depending on her answer, she may realise how her behaviour is unacceptable or may make excuses- you then know then if the friendship is repairable or not.

I know how upsetting it can be to end long friendships but everyone at some point outgrows a friendship. Flowers

Gemini69 · 22/10/2018 11:10

She's NOT your friend.. she's a skank.. get rid Flowers

Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 11:12

Yeah he does know everything except I haven't had time to talk to him about the texts I saw / contrast with her behaviour last week. I think saying 'don't be alone with her' is a sensible but really sad point.

At the end of the day I am close to her but we are all part of the same group and it's nerve wracking to be the one to stand up and make a fuss when it's the two of them who have a problem

OP posts:
Heuschrecke · 22/10/2018 11:12

"I'd really rather not lose my best friend permanently and in the past she has been quite vocal about expecting my loyalties to lie with her above him."

You cannot put this woman above your DP in terms of loyalties. Whatever historic friendship you and she had is clearly over and long gone. Do not desert your DP just to try to stay friends with her. Once she's done her worst to your DP, she'll dump you anyway. I can't believe you're even thinking like this.

wineandroses1 · 22/10/2018 11:12

"It's tricky to address because I'd really rather not lose my best friend permanently and in the past she has been quite vocal about expecting my loyalties to lie with her above him" - Eh? WTAF? This reads as though you'd rather lose him than her. If so, you're going the right way about it.

Worriedmummybekind · 22/10/2018 11:13

Did she sleep with your friend’s bf?

Weezol · 22/10/2018 11:14

She slept with your mutual friend's bf???? Have I undersood this correctly?? So she has form for stealing friend's partners? And you're still friends with this woman???

This leapt out at me too. I would have ended contact with her without a thought. As MN chapter and verse has it, when someone tells you who they are, listen!

I feel pretty sorry for your DP - this woman makes him feel uncomfortable, lies about him and slags him off. Yet he is expected to spend time around her and just put up and shut up. She is 'affectionate' - sounds to me like she's touching him and he doesn't like it.

If this was the other way around and one of his mates was treating you like this and he wasn't doing anything about it, how would you feel?

Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 11:14

I expect she would say that she is nice to his face because she doesn't want a bad atmosphere and it's my fault for not excluding him from group outings when I should know that she doesn't like him

Addressing the texts I saw might be tricky because she was actually mid-argument about something else which really isn't my business and she probably wouldn't be over the moon that these were shown to me, thus dropping friend2 in the shit

OP posts:
pandarific · 22/10/2018 11:15

Is there one of these other mutual friends you trust implicitly to be honest and have your back? Could you speak with them and simply find out what she's been saying about your boyfriend? It sounds odd, I'd want to know exactly what she's said.

How long have you been together with your partner and how old are you, any children? Have you any concerns about your relationship, aside from her interference?

Alaria4 · 22/10/2018 11:15

Possibility of two things OP.

  1. She's jealous because of her breakup and does indeed want you two to separate so you too can be single.
  1. She's got previous for partner stealing, so I'd watch out....

I had a "friend" who upon finding out there were problems in my relationship, she suddenly started coming to my house and asking for lifts home from my partner etc.....
Ex was a narc, so I didn't give a crap that they slept together the minute I was out the door. (it was an awful relationship and I was actually trying to make plans for escaping this utter abusive twat.)

That's just my experience and I'd say there are red flags all over the place here. I'd suggest if you are happy with your relationship, then you should confront your friend on her behaviour and disgusting attitude towards your DP. You'll soon find out if she's a real friend or one with motive....

Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 11:16

Yes she slept with a friend's bf, she didn't like him much but because friend hadn't declared it "official" she said it's fair game. She also passed on some revolting comments that this bf allegedly made about friend2's body which were painful beyond belief, just to rub it in how much of a bellend he is and how she shouldn't be with him.

OP posts:
wineandroses1 · 22/10/2018 11:16

And you know what to say to her - you can say " read those texts slagging him off, why are you doing that when you are nice as pie to his face?" I am sure you have many examples of things she has said to you and to other people about him. Tell her she is not acting like any kind of friend.

And if she slept with another friend's partner, what did that tell you about her character?

I think you are mad to continue to tolerate this person and her vile behaviour.

Weezol · 22/10/2018 11:19

Mate, she's gaslighting you. Wake up.

Original poster
ffffffffsake · 22/10/2018 11:19

I feel terrible for my DP as well but we are all adults with the same friends and I hate being expected to police them. When she is talking as though it's a done deal that I am breaking up with DP "when you're single" etc I am very firm with her that we are together and planning to stay that way.

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 22/10/2018 11:20

Your first loyalty is to your dp.Sh has form for sleeping wiht other peoples boyfriends.

She is slagging him off ,what more does she have to do for you to realise she wants to break you up,
@SleepingStandingUp has it spot on.Use that message.

Magicstar1 · 22/10/2018 11:20

She's trying to alienate him from everyone, then she will be his shoulder to cry on, and will try to sleep with him. You need to cut her off, but also to address the misinformation she's been spreading around.

pandarific · 22/10/2018 11:20

She also passed on some revolting comments that this bf allegedly made about friend2's body which were painful beyond belief, just to rub it in how much of a bellend he is and how she shouldn't be with him.

Jesus Christ op, wtf? Even IF the guy made the comments, any decent person would go to the ends of the earth to avoid hurting their friend by passing it on.

This person is not ANYONE'S friend. She's not kind, she's not got your back - why are you friends with her? Cool it off massively with her - go grey rock and let her find someone else to manipulate.

Merryoldgoat · 22/10/2018 11:21

This is just bizarre.

Why are you fighting so hard to keep a friend who doesn’t care about you? Because that’s what it boils down to.

She has no respect for you or your relationship,

You can carry on appeasing her and not dealing with or confronting her, but you’ll be back on here in a few months after she’s fucked/tried to fuck your partner.

As an aside, how can you be friends with someone who slept with your friend’s boyfriend?

Actually, the more I think about it the more likely this is pure fabrication - surely no one can be this naive...