Indian meal meltdown

[HouseholdItem]

The scenario:

I was busy all day Saturday out doing errands etc.

(D)P was working 7-3 shift.

I texted him while out & about to see what he & DS wanted for dinner and the result was that I purchased an M&S Indian 'takeaway' on the way home.

On arrival home (D)P was on the sofa in a blanket with his feet up. DS was playing on his Xbox. I confirmed that I'd got the Indian meal and went through to the kitchen to put it in the fridge.

(D)P shouted through after me that he wanted to eat about 8. (It was by now about 7pm.)

I mentioned that I was going up for a shower and would he put the oven on & food in oven in about 20 mins.

At this he became angry, petulant and aggressive- saying 'no way' was he getting the food ready as he had 'been at work all day'. He had been in the sofa since about (3.30pm).

I had not been idle all day and pointed out that I had in fact been on the go longer than him, having got up the same time and only just returned home at 6.50pm.

I reiterated that he needed to prepare the food. When I was upstairs I heard lots of noises, banging, swearing etc.

When I came down I found that he had thrown the outer cardboard carrying box containing the selection of food into the kitchen floor and one of the containers had burst. There was food splattered all over the units, floor & fridge. He proceeded to heat and eat the meals for him and DS and did not leave me any. Presumably there was not enough after the wasted split container. There was also a load in the bin.

I feel his behaviour is just the last straw. He is spiteful, selfish & unkind. I don't want to live with him any more.

(a) AIBU to feel that he could have prepared the food on this occasion and
(b) would this count as an example of unreasonable behaviour (grounds to divorce him).

You wouldn't need to be able to pay the mortgage on your own! The Mortgage will be joint and several liability so you will each be equally responsible for making the mortgage payments regardless of who is living in the property. It may be that you would have to sell eventually but it's also possible that in the intervening period you might get a ft job which enables you to cover the mortgage (you don't know until you've tried).

My ex left me and stopped paying the mortgage (it was in joint names but I had most/all of the equity if it sold) I got 2 lodgers in to help fund the mortgage as he stopped paying towards it.

It helped me out for 6 months whilst it was on the market. It wasn't brilliant as I had 2 kids but it worked as I knew it wasn't forever.

OP

I was in a similar position some time ago. One thing that really benefited me was consulting a solicitor (in fact, three separate ones). I found ones who offered an hour's free initial consultation (knew I couldn't afford to use them 'properly'). This is the one thing I'd recommend more than anything else. You need to know, as I did, exactly what the legal position is re mortgage, child maintenance, etc. I was going to leave the house with the DC and move in with my parents, but was advised by all three solicitors that it would be a bad idea, on the grounds that XH could argue that I could evidently cope perfectly well without the house/my share of the equity as I had other support. So we had to live together until the house was sold (neither of us could afford the mortgage on our own). It was horrible, but there wasn't any choice. And in the long run, I no longer have to live with him and his abusive behaviour. Good luck.

Also... I'd be very wary of photocopying payslips, bank statements, etc. I think this is viewed very dimly by solicitors. I think it might actually be illegal, along with opening any post addressed to him I still did it all the same, but didn't tell anyone

I think photocopying of documents is not allowed - BUT you are allowed to note down relevant details. Bank details, (all of them), balances at a certain date, NI numbers, tax codes, amounts before and after tax and tax areas.... in your own handwriting.

How are you getting on OP?

One thing that really benefited me was consulting a solicitor (in fact, three separate ones). I found ones who offered an hour's free initial consultation

Where do you find these solicitors Oartistic?

I thought they were mythical, like the Phoenix, or Unicorns.

I've never come across one.

(Not meaning to sound sarcastic Oartistic - it's just people mention these free lawyers, but I have a number of friends in family law/ general solicitor work, and none of them offer it.)

My heart always sinks when I read threads like this but I'm so glad OP that you have your dad's house to go to. Please go and be safe. A pp who suggested going to "help your dad for a few days" was clever.

Have made some calls today to bank etc and have appt to see solicitor (not a free one sadly).

Good for you making steps to get out of there. You don't want your son growing up like that. And you deserve better than being controlled by an angry mean tosser.

My solicitor offered me a 30 minute free consultation when I divorced my husband in 2006.

Schadenfreude, it's possible that this varies regionally. I had no trouble at all finding them. They were all recommended by friends. I ended up using one of them for a couple of further (paid-for) hours, but couldn't afford any more than that. Still, it gave me enough to go on and XH and I then drew up our own agreement (he did the same free consultation thing, with different solicitors, so we both had all the information).

I didn't open his letters, btw. But I did photocopy some things. I never used them, as I didn't need to in the end as we managed to come up with something we were both reasonably dissatisfied with.

Schadenfreude, pretty much all my friends are lawyers/barristers/QCs, btw. I didn't ask any of them, though, as I thought it would be awkward from every possible point of view.

OP, I am glad you have taken some positive steps.

copy everything, then you can have any info that they ask for, hand written if necessary.

Not sure if Occupation order would work for me, as I cannot afford the mortgage payments on my own.

Everyone's circumstances are different, so you may not have to.

I got divorced in the US and part of the settlement was a clause to the effect that exH was ordered by the court to continue paying his share of the mortgage until the house was sold. (In the US the mortgage is seen as debt that must be retired so the house has to be sold unless one party can buy out the other party's equity and also get a new mortgage on it in their own name).

Even though different norms may apply in the UK you may still be able to get him to continue to pay his share of the mortgage for a fixed period of time or risk being found in contempt of court. You cold meanwhile take in a lodger or two and look for FT work.

You need to talk to a solicitor about all the options wrt the house, mortgage and occupation and non molestation orders.

HouseholdItem how are you doing today?

Glad to hear you're taking steps to get away (hopefully).

Italian, thank you for asking. Feeling a bit weak and wobbly today. I was feeling quite strong and determined, but had a bad experience (unrelated) with a local business which has upset me/ made me feel alone.

The fear of being alone is so strong :(
I know the relationship is not salvageable but still.... feel scared.

house try to take one day at a time. Be kind to yourself.

Women's Aid & solicitors can offer really good advice. I'd be wary of taking advice from strangers on the Internet. They generally mean well, but don't necessarily have the legal knowledge to offer you the correct advice

This book is very interesting / helpful, to understand dynamics of domestic abuse
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforum-21

You won't necessarily be alone. You might meet someone fab. Bit even if you do not, it's better to be safe and enjoy yoir son without the aggression from your partner.

I think the fear of being alone will soon be erased once you start feeling safe and comfortable again. I don’t think anything beats being relaxed on not on edge all the time.

Household my advice and my experience is to think about the new person that you will be, in a year, five years or ten years time.