Indian meal meltdown

[HouseholdItem]

The scenario:

I was busy all day Saturday out doing errands etc.

(D)P was working 7-3 shift.

I texted him while out & about to see what he & DS wanted for dinner and the result was that I purchased an M&S Indian 'takeaway' on the way home.

On arrival home (D)P was on the sofa in a blanket with his feet up. DS was playing on his Xbox. I confirmed that I'd got the Indian meal and went through to the kitchen to put it in the fridge.

(D)P shouted through after me that he wanted to eat about 8. (It was by now about 7pm.)

I mentioned that I was going up for a shower and would he put the oven on & food in oven in about 20 mins.

At this he became angry, petulant and aggressive- saying 'no way' was he getting the food ready as he had 'been at work all day'. He had been in the sofa since about (3.30pm).

I had not been idle all day and pointed out that I had in fact been on the go longer than him, having got up the same time and only just returned home at 6.50pm.

I reiterated that he needed to prepare the food. When I was upstairs I heard lots of noises, banging, swearing etc.

When I came down I found that he had thrown the outer cardboard carrying box containing the selection of food into the kitchen floor and one of the containers had burst. There was food splattered all over the units, floor & fridge. He proceeded to heat and eat the meals for him and DS and did not leave me any. Presumably there was not enough after the wasted split container. There was also a load in the bin.

I feel his behaviour is just the last straw. He is spiteful, selfish & unkind. I don't want to live with him any more.

(a) AIBU to feel that he could have prepared the food on this occasion and
(b) would this count as an example of unreasonable behaviour (grounds to divorce him).

Hi OP,
I left this man a year ago.

Strongly recommend a solicitor and women's aid. If your savings are less than £6K then you may be eligible for Legal Aid, so going to the GP for a referral to a Domestic Abuse Agency would open the door to a LA application.

Once you are out, go to your local support for DA and get some support for your boy. They will be able to help him process what he has been through.

Stay Safe. Keep your cards close to your chest until you have things in place.

You need to leave -

Gets all your paperwork in order and photocopy his payslips / bank statements etc
Make sure you have your sons birth certificate / passport and your own
Get the deeds and mortgage details
See a solicitor ASAP!!

He has sexually assaulted you, I would go to the police and report - he is also abusive

Please look up controlling and coercive behaviour - it is a criminal offence

I would speak to the solicitor about getting a non molestation order which can have certain conditions

If you feel the house you may need to go into rented for a while or live with your family until it’s sorted

I don’t want to scare you but You need to get out - his behaviour is escalating and if he thinks it’s ok to sexually assault you when you are asleep what’s to stop him from raping you ??

He is a nasty piece of work and you deserve soo much better - also your child is growing up learning from him ? What do you think your son sees ? He sees it’s ok to treat women like crap, you need to protect him also.

Sorry to hear your are going through this. Can you not up your hours to full time so you can afford the mortgage? DP will also legally have to contribute too.

Please save yourself and your son from this man. When I was in my early 20s I went with my then boyfriend to visit a friend of his. After a couple of hours I overhead the friend downstairs calling his mum a ‘fucking stupid bitch’. When I confronted him upstairs, he laughed it off saying him and his dad always talk to his mum like that. Poor woman. Don’t let that be you.

*sell not feel the house

Also DO NOT tell him you are leaving that is when things can get dangerous as he will feel like he has lost control completely ! Get everything sorted and go or just get out ! Material things can be replaced , you and your son can’t !!!!!!

Loads of ((((((((((Hugs)))))))🌻💐🌼💐🌻💐🌼💐🌻🍹☕🍸🍷

Also when on here always log out or use private mode on phones and tablets.

Does he have access to passwords to emails as I'd change them now and say they were hacked if questioned.

If you don't want to go to your dads play the long game and gather all evidence of wages and pensions etc. Also your passports and birth certs too.

If he becomes violent in any way phone the police to have him removed. Do not listen to him when he says you where over reacting as most do. Do not believe the charm he'll put on when you do this as he will up the anti on you if you go back. Its like they have a script.

Please keep coming on here for support too if you have a wobble.

It's clear that you know what you feel. The question is whether or not you will now do anything about it. The main issue with this type of situations is that many of us threaten with various consequences and talk about divorce but it never happens, which is why the other party continues doing what they are doing.

Having said that- I don’t think doing your bits and bobs in town equates to paid employment, so YABU for that.

Completely off topic, but I have to say I completely disagree with this. It's not a competition. Both members of the couple have been out all day, contributing to the running of the household, whether financially or in practice. Depending on the job, it might be preferable to doing the shopping, going to the post office etc. (or maybe that's just me! )

Not rtft yet so somebody may have mentioned this but as a single parent working part time you would be entitled to claim some benefits, child and working tax credit, 25% discount on council tax and maybe some housing benefit towards mortgage payment.
Not sure of the legalities with the mortgage and getting him out of the house but women’s aid should have the best advice

I would start gathering your important documents and maybe make an emergency bag with a few days worth of clothes, essentials to keep at your dads just incase.

Regarding your DS I would inform the school that things aren’t great at home....if P is feeding him lies then Ds is probably feeling all out of sorts and it may be affecting his day to day work

OP you deserve so much better as does your DS. I moved in with my DF after leaving ex. DD was at uni so different situation to you and DS. Ex had squandered every asset (house repossessed) so I went on council house list. I got a 1 bed flat and the relief to be free and not depressed and utterly miserable is still so liberating 11 years on. Please get advice, make plans and get out. Wishing you strength and much better times ahead.

Get prepared before you act
the first thing to know is that if you leave he will stay in the house, & refuse to sell, as it doesn't sound like he would accept separation lightly (you can force this however)
He will say he will take DS, he will say you are unfit, mental & not fit to be a parent (they all do)
He may well either, promise to change, cry, & wind you back in (the script, ignore)
or get angry, violent (call police)
make notes of any threats, etc
ensure that you have changed log-ins on phone & computer & their are no joint clouds, WhatsApp, find my phone etc. remove any important docs, passport etc & any important personal items (he will destroy or sell.)
as PP said, copy all his payslips, bonuses, mortgage info, house deeds, savings, pensions. He will go on to lie about his income & this is proof for forcing contributions for DS, (he will refuse, but it can be obtained at source)
Speak to employer about more hours

You live once, this is the beginning of your new life.

What you had been out doing during the day is irrelevant. Even if you'd been at a spa day a decent man would not have an issue with putting dinner in the oven.

I think you would be a lot happier without him.

don't bother with the 24/7 womens Aid helpline because it's perpetually engaged (unless you call overnight)

Try your local Womens Aid service.

You need immediate advice, legal and practical, and they will provide it - as well as much support. Call them today. Get this started.

There is a way out of this and Womens Aid will show you how - while at the same time protecting all your interests which includes, of course, ds. You need advice about how to effectively tackle his turning ds against you. (Please very much keep your eye on that and don't hold back or think it's not so bad and will blow over - it won't, especially when you leave your abusive husband).

btw the sexually touching you when you were asleep is sexual abuse and taken very seriously by the courts. Add that to the 'unreasonable behaviour'.

Keep going lovely. Thankfully these days there is a great deal of support out there for us

@HouseholdItem Sun 21-Oct-18 23:31:28
Zzz my salary plus child benefit would leave about £100 shortfall on mortgage. I also need to pay utilities, phone, food etc.

Although I'm not so worried about getting into arrears with gas etc. As long as I have the roof over our heads.

Could you take in a lodger?

A reasonable person would not have behaved that way. However, a few years ago I would have also been doubting myself as I was also with a selfish, spiteful man who would have behaved in a similar way. It may not be an easy road ahead, but people have provided you with some numbers and advice that can help you take the first step.

I hope you're head is clearer today and the good advice is helping?

I'm glad your considering your options for your and your DS OP... please seek help support and advise from someone recommended on here... you can do this lovely

When I was making my plan, which I am in the middle of BTW, I called the National Domestic Violence Helpline, described stuff he does and they were able to confirm to me that this WAS abuse and the thought of someone finally agreeing with me was enough - they were the ones who told me about getting an occupation order, this is for mental abuse not physical, they also gave me details of a charity that could help me - I think they are easier to get through to than Women's Aid - have a look here - www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

This then spurred me on to see a solicitor - I chose one that I had to pay for, it was something like £70 for an hour but you can get it free if you prefer. Once again she confirmed that the occupation order could be done. The caveats were that I had a dependent child, I could afford to pay the mortgage on my own and that he had somewhere to go as judges don't like to see the other partner on the street. It can be served immediately, its a sit and wait in court process. Please do get that appointment ASAP.

Thanks Elephant. Not sure if Occupation order would work for me, as I cannot afford the mortgage payments on my own.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/your-court-hearing

But if you take it to court and in the meantime work out how much benefits you would be eligible for you could show that you could afford the payments with the help of housing benefit.

IMO you have nothing to lose by trying as if you don’t he sounds unlikely to leave willingly so you’ll lost the house in that respect anyway.

The sexual abuse and the fact you work part time may mean you are eligible for some help with legal aid although I’m not 100% on that so check with a solicitor first

Sorry not clear but that link is the rights regarding an occupation order

surely sexual abuse is grounds for divorce